by Randa Lynn
We lie down in silence for a few minutes. I ponder on what she just said as she watches me intently. I know nothing will stop Ryan from coming back to hurt me when he gets out. If he’s willing to go to such extremes as he did the other night, I’m terrified to know what he’d do if he were given the chance again. I knew Ryan was off, but I never thought he was capable of something so hateful, so senseless.
Now I know just how wrong my thoughts had been. Because he did plan on raping me, and he did threaten to kill me. He would have succeeded had Wes not showed up when he did.
“Wes loves you, you know.”
I take a deep breath. “I know.”
“You know? What’s that supposed to mean?” she asks incredulously.
“I know he loves me. I love him too, but—“
“But what?” she snaps, interrupting me.
“But what if Elli had been at the house with me? What if she would have been there and gotten hurt… because of me?” My tears fall unabashedly.
Her eyes narrow in and her eyebrows crease. “Stop. You’re going down that road again. Self-blame. And guess what? Not. Your. Fault. None of it.” She stares at me for a long moment. “And do you think Wes would allow you to be here if he didn’t want you here? So stop with the what-if shit. Because frankly, I hate it.”
I muse over what she said for a few moments. She might be right, but I’m not willing to gamble on an innocent person’s life. Wes and Elli deserve better than that, they deserve better than me and all of my baggage.
“I don’t know, Am. I think it would be better for everyone if I just left. They shouldn’t have to be brought into the middle of my mess.”
“Oh, shut up, Lenni. Wes would do anything in this world for you, and you know it. I’ll say it again, this is not your fault!” She stands up abruptly and walks to the door. She stops once she reaches it and turns back towards me. “If you let him control your decisions, he’s won. Do you really want that? Just think about that.” And she’s gone, leaving me with my contradictory feelings and broken heart.
Chapter 23
LENNI
I didn’t sleep well last night, so I got up early while Wes and Elli slept. My mind wouldn’t quit reeling, no matter how much I tried to shut it off. I’ve just been sitting and thinking about what I should do from here. I don’t want to leave them, but what I want and what I think is right for them are two completely different things.
I am a convoluted mess, my mind at war with my heart. I can’t, in good conscience, stay here knowing that their lives are in possible danger. Knowing that if something were to happen to them it would be my fault.
I need something to help put my thoughts at bay, so I figured I could at least make them breakfast—for the last time.
Flipping the pancakes, I hear a pitter patter coming into the kitchen. I turn to see Elli’s bed head flowing in all different directions. My heart falters in my chest at the sight. I don’t know how I’ll leave her. The thought is nearly too much to bear, so I push it aside and plaster on a smile for her sake. “Good morning sunshine.”
“I’m hungry,” she demands. She climbs up onto the barstool with a huff. I’ve learned over the past few months that Ellison Grace Taylor is the furthest thing from a chipper child in the mornings and to tread lightly around her until she is fully awake.
Popping the pancakes off the griddle I answer, “I’m making pancakes, eggs, and bacon. Does that sound good?”
“Yes ma’am,” she groans as she plants her head face down on the bar.
I’m going to miss this. I’m going to miss every one of her five year old mood swings, I’m going to miss reading bedtime stories to her. I’m going to miss just being in her life. I’m going to miss her so much it hurts. I wipe a stray tear from my eye, not wanting her to see me upset.
I finish cooking breakfast and give her a plate and some juice. “I cooked your Daddy breakfast, too. Want to help me bring it to him?”
Biting into her pancakes her eyes light up. “Uh huh! Can I eat my pannycakes first?”
I nearly spit out the coffee I just took a sip of. “Pannycakes?” I ask.
“Yes ma’am. Pannycakes. Daddy makes good chocolate chip ones,” she cheers and gives me a big dimpled smile. “Maybe he’ll make you some another day.”
I flash a small smile when all I really want to do is break out into a fit of tears. My heart hurts far worse than I ever thought possible. I’m so angry. Angry that this decision has to even be made. Why couldn’t Ryan just go on with his pitiful excuse for a life without ruining mine?
Why couldn’t I have never met him? Then my life wouldn’t be a mess.
“Finish your ‘pannycakes’ and we’ll take this to your daddy. Okay?” She nods her head as she takes another bite of her pancake.
I lean against the bar, cataloging her every movement. The way she flips the fork upside down right before she puts it in her mouth, the way she wipes her face after every sip of milk. She scoots around the food on her plate before deciding on which bite she wants. I watch the way she casually swings her legs back and forth like she doesn’t have a care in the world. Tears springs to my eyes for the days like this, days I won’t get again. Ellison Taylor is the sweetest, most precious thing in my life. She always will be, no matter the time that separates us.
I’ll sacrifice every ounce of happiness in my life as long as she can continue to have these innocent moments in hers. I’ll give up every free day of mine so she can have just one second of bliss.
She wipes her face clean with the back of her hand after she clears her plate. I help her down from the barstool, and dry the tears from my eyes. Then I grab the plate and coffee, and we head down the hall to the bedroom.
She busts open the door and runs and jumps onto the bed. “Wake up, Daddy!”
He rolls over and starts to tickle her. “Tickle monster is awake!”
She breaks out into hysterical giggles. “Okay, okay! Daddy, Stop,” she pleads through laughter.
“What’s the magic word?” Wes asks, continuing his tickle assault.
“Please!” she cries out.
He stops and wraps her in a hug. “Since you asked so nicely.”
Seeing them so happy, so carefree is the most beautiful sight I’ve ever seen. They deserve to always live like this. They shouldn’t ever have to worry about someone harming them. Especially when that should be my burden to bear. A tear threatens to fall down my cheek, but I close my eyes and drive it away. I won’t break down in front of them, I won’t do it.
I walk over to the bed and set the coffee on the nightstand. Holding out the plate, unable to make direct eye contact. “I made you breakfast.”
Wes sits Elli down on the bed beside him and sits up. Grabbing the plate, he puts it down by the coffee. He looks up at me with a panicked expression on his face. “Is something wrong?”
Fighting back the tears that have seemed to linger just behind my eyelids all morning, I reply with a half-truth, “I’m just really tired. I didn’t sleep well last night.” I give him a small smile to try and break the tension.
He sees right through my façade. “Come here.”
My body reacts before my mind has time to catch up. I scoot forward, right into his awaiting arms. He stands up, directly in front of me. “Lenni,” he says in a whisper only loud enough for me to hear, “I know that look you get when your mind is reeling. Whatever it is, reel it the hell back in. Now.”
I want to lie to him, lie to myself, and say everything is perfectly fine, but it’s not. It’s just the opposite. I’m crumbling and I have no foundation to hold me up. At least I won’t once I drop the bomb that will end it all.
I’m in a riptide being sucked under, and the only way out is to stop fighting the inevitable, drowning. I’m drowning in the decisions I have to make. I don’t want to do this, I don’t want to leave this place I’ve come to see as my home. But I’d do anything to ensure the safety of Wes and Elli.
That’s all that matter
s to me. They’re all that matter to me.
I shake my head, trying to will away the emotional turmoil bellowing inside. “Can we talk about this later? I promise, once Elli is asleep or something.”
“The Clarks are coming to get her shortly to spend a long weekend with them. We can talk after that,” he says swiftly before he places a lingering kiss on my lips.
That touch breaks my heart all over again. I’m not sure how much more my heart can take before it stops functioning altogether.
I quickly walk around the bed, needing space from Wes’s intensity, and grab Elli in my arms. “Come on pretty girl, let’s let your daddy eat and I’ll get you ready for your grandparents’ house.”
I squeeze her tight, letting my hold remain longer than usual. This is the last time I’ll smell the sweet bubblegum shampoo and see those beautiful blue eyes.
“I love you, sweet girl.” More than you know.
“I love you, too,” she replies.
I’m doing this for you…
●●●●●
The Clarks came to get Elli a few hours ago, leaving Wes and me to have the evening alone. I need to talk to him, to finally open up to him, but I’m still trying to come up with the right words to say.
I know he feels guilty for not showing up before he did, but he shouldn’t beat himself up over it. If anything, he should be proud of what he did, because he saved me. I owe him more than I could ever repay him.
“Hey,” he says, sitting down beside me on the couch. “You need any medicine or anything?”
I turn to him as I crisscross my legs. “No, thank you.”
He looks at me for a few seconds, seeming like he’s ready to say something, but retreats and turns back to the television.
I sit, staring at him, memorizing every detail about his face. I’ve looked at it every day for two months, yet I still don’t feel like it’s enough. His scruff is now a short beard, his hair is a bit longer than usual. His brown eyes have gotten darker over the past few days. They are no longer the usual golden-brown hues that I love.
His arm rests over my leg with his fist subconsciously clenched. I look down at his hand, they’re cut up and scabbed over from the blows they took to Ryan’s face. I think back to Saturday night, the night Ryan could have ended my life. But he didn’t because Wes was there. Wes saved me.
Wes Taylor has always saved me, but now it’s time I save him.
“Wes.”
He grabs the remote and mutes the television. Turning his head in my direction he asks, “Yeah, baby?”
I lower my eyes to my lap, picking at my fingernails. “You think we could talk now?”
I can hear the lump being swallowed in his throat.
I hesitantly bring my eyes up to meet his. They’re so full of concern and fear. He doesn’t reply, so I take it as my cue to continue. “Thank you,” I choke out.
His brow creases. “For what?”
“Everything. The other night, and every day before and after that. Thank you for being absolutely everything I needed, but didn’t know I wanted.”
He releases a loud breath. “Why do I feel like there is a ‘but’ coming?” He closes his eyes and clenches his jaw, trying to ease his breathing.
My heart is pounding, breaking a little more with each pulse of blood. I try to force the words out, but nothing comes. Instead, the tears fall at a rapid pace.
Wes gently grips my chin with his hand and lifts my face to meet his. His eyes are full of love, and at this point I’d take hate over love. At least then it wouldn’t hurt so badly.
This is the last thing I want to do. I’m not sure my heart will ever get over Wes Taylor. But his and Elli’s lives are far more precious to me than my heart remaining intact.
“Just talk to me, Len,” he says compassionately.
I take a deep breath and close my eyes.
I can’t do this. You have to.
I love him too much. Which is why you have to do this.
He’s going to hate me. He could never hate you.
“I need to go back home,” I finally force out of my mouth before I have time to rethink it.
I finally look into his eyes. His face contorts into something of complete confusion. “You want to go back to the lake house? Why?”
I stare, unmoving for a long moment, trying to come up with the correct words to say. I don’t want to hurt him anymore than I have to. But ripping a bandage off hurts like hell no matter how quickly or slowly you go.
“No. I need to go back to Atlanta,” I state firmly, trying to sound angry and not broken. “I need to get away from you and Elli, for your own good.”
“Our own good?” he scoffs.
I ignore him. I can’t let him stop me from what I need to say. What I have to say. “If Ryan gets out of jail and comes back, I don’t know what I’d do if he hurt either one of you.”
“Lenni,” he pleads.
I try to keep my face as passive as possible, but it’s no use. My emotions are a tornado spiraling out of control. “You don’t deserve to live in fear or worry.”
“Stop!” he yells angrily, causing my body to jump. He glowers, “You don’t get to do this. You don’t get to fucking decide for me.”
Standing up from the couch, he paces back and forth down the hallway. After a few minutes he comes back and stands directly in front me. Tears stream down my face as I see the hurt in his eyes.
“Lenni, don’t do this. Please, don’t fucking do this, baby. I’ll do anything you want. Anything. I love you so damn much.” His pleads send daggers straight to my already shattered heart.
He kneels down in front of me and grabs my trembling hands. “Baby, please don’t do this. You can’t leave. Not because of him, not because of that bastard. He’s taken enough from you already.” A stray tear falls from his cheek, causing the shattered pieces of my heart to disintegrate into a pile of ash.
I’m about to walk away from the only good thing left in my life.
I squeeze his hands tight and speak through my cries. “It’s the only way I know how to protect you and Elli. I’m sorry.”
Leaning up, I place a kiss to his lips and let them linger. I memorize the way they feel against mine—soft yet firm. I memorize his scent, the sandalwood mixed with the smell of his cologne, and as his arms wrap around my waist, I memorize the way his arms comfort me, how they meld to me. The thoughts only make this that much harder, so I push them aside. I can’t let anything sway my decision. I can’t look into those big, beautiful, brown eyes, because they’re so full of pain. I’ll let all my defenses crumble if I even give them a glance.
Sometimes it’s love that forces us from the ones we care about most…
I quickly get up, grab the suitcase I packed earlier, and walk to the back door. I pause, but never turn around. “I love you, Wes Taylor. I will always love you.”
I get in my Jeep, and slam my hands on the steering wheel out of anger. Why? Why does life have to suck so damn bad? Everything in my life was finally right but it was ruined before I ever got a chance to see where it would go.
I sit there and cry, letting out every ounce of emotions I didn’t want to let out in front of Wes. I’m broken. I’m shattered. I’m ruined.
Boom! Boom!
“Lenni, open this door, now!”
I look up through my tear soaked eyes and see an agonizing Wes at my Jeep door. I want to swing the door open and fall in his arms, but I can’t. For as much as his arms are my home, Elli is his. And I won’t let anything destroy that. Destroy her.
I shake my head. “I can’t.”
“Lenni, we can get through this. Ryan isn’t an issue. I love you. I love you so damn much and I want you, no, I need you here.”
I put my Jeep in reverse, not able to handle seeing him any longer. If I stay one more second, my will is going to crumble.
I pull out of the driveway, leaving Wes, and my heart, behind.
Chapter 24
WES
She le
ft. She just walked away. She left because of that sorry mother fucker, Ryan.
“It’s the only way I know how to protect you and Elli.”
I tip back the bottle of Evan Williams, savoring the burn as it slithers down my throat. I’ve never felt this empty before. Not having Elli at home to make me man the fuck up is causing me to go in a downward spiral of pity.
Shit. I said I’d never do this again. This whole let a woman fucking ruin me thing. But I’ve never felt this defeated before. I only thought Vanessa had crushed me. I was wrong. Dead wrong. Because right now my chest is gaped wide open and there’s a hole where half of my heart should be.
Dammit, Lenni. Why do you have to try to protect us when I should be the one protecting you?
I used to think I only needed Elli, and that shit was true up until the day Lenni showed up here with her perfect smile, her perfect eyes, her perfect body, and her perfect fucking heart.
I love that girl. My daughter loves her. She called her mommy, for crying out loud. How can I get over that?
I can’t. I fucking can’t. So I’ll sit here and drown my heart out with this bottle of bourbon.
I’m a big ass pussy for letting her ever walk out that door. I should have stopped her. I should have made her see that she wasn’t being noble by walking away. I should have fucking made her see she belongs here—with me.
FUCK!
The back door flies open and I look back through my haze. “You look like fucking hell, Taylor.”
“Shut up, you piece of shit,” I grit through slurred words.
Cameron plops on the other end of the couch, kicking his feet up on the coffee table. “So what’s got you so depressed? I’ve brought the booze like you requested, but from the looks of you, I’d say it wasn’t needed.” He pops the top of a Miller Light.
“She left me, man. Lenni fucking left me and Elli.” I tip back Mr. Williams again.