by Randa Lynn
“Dude, you serious? That blows. But you’ve been down this road before. It ain’t your first rodeo.”
“Can we not talk about this shit right now? Let’s watch these fights so I can get my mind off of it.” I throw the bourbon to the side and try to not think about anything other than what’s directly in front of me.
“So, you finally ready to talk now that you’ve sobered the fuck up a bit? And please tell me why you’re so bent out of shape over some chick dumping your ass?” Cameron asks after the fights have ended.
I lean up and cover my head. I’ve got a pounding headache from the mixture of alcohol and heartache. “Not like that man, she didn’t want to. She thought she had to. To protect Elli and me.” I bring my head into my hands. “To fucking protect us. Ain’t that some shit?”
I close my eyes, remembering the way she looked. Those big, hazel eyes shimmered with tears. That perfect mouth of hers quivered with sadness. She was fucking broken and it kills me even more. I shouldn’t have let her go. But I did, because I didn’t know what the hell to do.
And I’m a damn idiot.
“What the fuck you talking about, bro?” Cam asks, muting the TV.
The glow from the TV causes my head to pound. I shake my head, trying to rid myself of the pain. “She thinks he’s gonna come back and try to hurt her again and hurt me or Scooter in the process.”
Cameron looks at me closely, making me feel uncomfortable as shit. “Can I be serious for a second?”
I look at him in amazement. Cam and serious are never used together. “Be my fucking guest, Walker.”
“Shake that fucking alcohol induced haze off for a cotton pickin’ minute, Taylor. You hear?”
I shoot him a go to hell look. “Yeah, I hear you. Now, spit it out or get the hell out, Dr. Phil.”
“Just makin’ sure you’re ready for this, ‘cause it will be the one and only time I will ever be throwing out advice.”
“Spit. It. Out,” I bite out. My patience is wearing thin and I sure as hell don’t have enough for his bullshit.
“Alright, alright. Simmer down, Simba. Now, hear me out. She thinks she’s doing you a favor by leaving. Am I right?”
Oh for the love of God, I’m about to take out my anger on his pretty boy face. “No shit, Sherlock.”
“Okay. Now why don’t you grow a fucking pair and get your girl back? Prove to her that there ain’t shit that’s gonna keep you from having what you want. Now quit your drinking pity party of one and man the fuck up. She loves you, dude. I don’t fucking know why, but she does. If she didn’t she wouldn’t have wanted to protect you or Elli.”
I laugh at his pep-talk, but ignore it. He thinks I don’t want to get her back? The fuck I don’t. I’ve tried calling ten times since she left, and it just keeps going straight to voicemail. She doesn’t want to talk to me. That is obvious. “She just left, so excuse me if I’m a little too fucking pissed to work shit out in my head right now.”
He holds up his hands in surrender. “Dude, I’m just trying to help.”
I try changing the subject. “So what the fuck is up with you and Amber? You made her yours yet?”
He chucks a pillow from off the couch at me. “We ain’t talking about me, my brother. We are on the subject of you.”
I stand up, take the pillow and throw it back at his face. “That’s what I thought, cocksucker.” He’s just as much a pussy as I am. The only difference is my girl ran off, trying to be valiant, when all she had to do was stay right here and let me worry about the what-ifs.
My girl left me. My fucking girl left to protect me. She left to protect my daughter.
She might have left, but I’ll be damned if she stays gone. I don’t need protecting. I just need her—here—where she belongs. I just hope I can convince her that this is where she’s supposed to be.
Lenni Blackmon tilted my world on its axis the day I saw her carrying my Scooter, and I refuse to give her up without a fight.
Chapter 25
LENNI
From far off an illusion is beautiful, picturesque even. But the closer it gets to your grasp, it vanishes—gone forever into the abyss.
That’s what happened to me. Wes was beautiful. He was and is perfect. He was everything I wanted and more. But before we ever truly got a chance, it vanished at the hands of Ryan Hastings.
Ryan has done nothing but cause my life hell. But nothing has caused me more pain than having to walk away from the two people I love most.
The usual three hour trip has taken me nearly four. I’ve had to stop countless times, blinded by my tears. I’ve tried to numb myself from the pain, but it’s in vain. I can’t will it away. I can’t scream until the pain is no longer. I can’t do anything.
How can you drown out a void in your life so great it could fill the Grand Canyon?
You can’t.
After sitting in my car for far too long, with nothing but my unrestrained emotions, I get out and head up to the townhouse.
I recklessly dig in my purse for the key, dumping the contents of my purse all over the stoop. I can’t find the key. Ironic. The key to my house is lost, just like the key to my broken heart—and they’re both my fault. I couldn’t keep either of them. My keys or my heart.
I am a blubbering mess. I can’t think straight or even function properly.
I pull out my phone to call Amber what my background image displays. Wes and Elli. I fall to the ground against the front door, and I cry. The pain is too much for me to bear. I’m on a tightrope ready to fall.
My soul has been ripped, my heart obliterated.
Walking away crushed me more than I thought possible. Every step I took towards my Jeep was another piece of my heart I shattered. Every piece of me is screaming to go back to Fredricks, to go back to the love of my life. But I can’t. I won’t. He’s safer with me here. She’s safer with me here.
Hopefully, one day he’ll find the happiness he so very much deserves. If there is anyone in this world deserving of absolute happiness it is Wes Taylor. As much as I wish that happiness were with me, I know it can’t be.
I crush my bent knees up to my chest and rock back and forth as I break down alone.
I just want the pain to go away. Please go away.
I can’t do this… I just want to be numb. I just want a few minutes of numbness, because feeling is too much when it’s only heartbreak you feel.
“Lenni!” Amber cries, bending down to meet me. “What the hell?”
I hear her, but I have no desire to pay her any mind.
“I had to. I had to protect them,” I repeat over and over.
I had to protect them. I had to distance myself from them before he decided to come back. I don’t even know why I’m here. I don’t want him to hurt Amber, either.
It’s me he wants to hurt. It’s me he’s enraged at. It’s my fault his business has been damaged irrevocably.
It’s me. It’s always me. It’s always my fault.
“Why can’t anything in my life go right? It’s not fair. It’s not fucking fair,” I cry.
She leans down and heaves me up off the ground with little help from my unwilling body. “Let’s get you inside.”
I enter my townhouse that I’ve shared with my best friend, but I don’t see her, I don’t see me, I don’t see us. I see Wes. I see Wes standing in my living room holding a bouquet of freshly picked flowers. Except he’s not there. He’s an illusion. The closer I get to him, the more he fades into the abyss.
Chapter 26
WES
I’m so tired of moping around and being in a shit mood. Every time I close my eyes, I see her face. Every time I hop in my truck, I see her riding shotgun. Every time I lay down in bed, I see her lying there. I’m going crazy as hell. She’s here. She’ll always be here. Even when she’s not.
If I could get her out of my mind just for one second, I would. But she’s etched her way so far into my heart that there’s no chisel that could pry her from it. No, I’m
lying to my damn self. I don’t want her out of it. I never did, which is why I’m so pissed off at this entire situation. She should be here with Elli and me, not three hours away.
There’s no way she can be happy. The look on her face when she left was too broken for her to be anything but as miserable as I am right now. At least I hope.
I grab my phone and pick it up, hoping and praying there’s something from Lenni.
Absolutely nothing.
Fuck it. I open up a text message.
Me: I miss u my pretty little thing. Please. Come home. I need u.
Five minutes later.
Me: Lenni, ur coconut smell is still on ur pillow. U fucking belong here.
Ten minutes later. Still nothing.
Me: U remember that night at the lake under the stars? I loved u then. I just didn’t know it.
I wait, and stare at my phone for what feels like hours. No response.
I finally dial her number and that sweet fucking picture of her in the living room glows across my screen. She’s smiling with her hand halfway covering her face. She didn’t want her picture taken because her hair was a mess, but I took it anyways. Because it’s in the moments she thinks she’s the least beautiful when she’s at her most beautiful to me. The moments of vulnerability when she lets her guard down, when she’s just Lenni, not haunted by the scars of her past. The moments she stops and just enjoys the simple beauty life has to offer.
I know she thinks she made the only choice available to her with the hand that was dealt. But she didn’t. I’m fucking miserable. I didn’t want this. I didn’t ask for this. Hell, I would have done anything to keep this from happening, to keep Ryan from ever fucking hurting her again.
But I didn’t. I can’t change what’s already happened.
Her phone goes to voicemail, and her sexy, sweet voice floats through the speaker, causing the ache to grow a little more, killing what’s left of me just a little bit more. But I welcome the pain, because at least I know she was real. What we had was real.
I leave another desperate voicemail begging her to come back.
“Daddy,” I hear coming from the hallway. I turn to see Elli in her pajamas—pajamas that Lenni bought her—hair a mess and holding Thunder. Dammit.
She walks over to me drowsily, rubbing her eyes. “Come here, Scooter.”
I pick her up and put her in my lap and she curls her legs up to her chest. “I can’t sleep, Daddy.”
Me neither, sweet girl. “Why not?” I run my fingers through her unruly hair.
She looks up at me through her sleepy eyes as she squeezes Thunder tighter to her chest. “Because I didn’t get my bedtime story.”
And what’s left of my heart sinks. Dammit, I’m a piece of shit. “You want Daddy to go tuck you back in and tell you a bedtime story?”
She shakes her head feverishly. “No, Daddy. I want Miss Lenni’s bedtime stories. She says them better.” I lay a kiss on her forehead, not knowing what to say. What can I say when she’s right? Lenni does do them better, but she’s not here.
And I’m an asshole.
“Where did she go?” Her eyes wide with curiosity, waiting for my answer.
I take a deep breath and answer the best way I know how. “Sometimes adults have to do things they don’t want to do because they think they’re protecting the people they love. Miss Lenni had to go away, sweet girl.”
She doesn’t reply. She doesn’t look at me, she keeps her head melded to my chest. I figure she’s asleep, but I start hearing a faint whimper. I look down, moving her so I can see her face. She’s crying. Tears streaming down her innocent little face, and it’s soul crushing.
“Hey, Scooter. Look at Daddy.” I wipe away her tears with my thumb. “Don’t cry.”
She sniffles. “But why did she go? I thought she was my mommy. Mommies aren’t supposed to leave their families.” Dammit! “Does she not love us anymore?” she asks so innocently, so heartbreakingly.
“Of course she does, Scooter. She loves you so much. So much so that it made her so sad when she left. She didn’t want to leave, baby girl.”
“Well that’s silly, Daddy.” A smile spreads across her tear stained cheeks. “If she didn’t want to leave then all you have to do is go get her and bring her back. I miss her a whole lot. Don’t you?”
More than any fucking thing I’ve ever missed in my life.
“I do.”
“I bet she misses us, too, huh?” Her eyes are filled with nothing but excitement as she says it.
“I bet she does, Scooter. We’ll always be in her heart.” I inadvertently place my hand over my heart as I say the words.
“Hand, heart. Daddy, can she be in our hand, heart thing? ‘Cause I love her and miss her. So can she be in here?” She puts her small little hand over her heart. “She’ll be here ‘til she can come back home to us.”
Back home to us.
And then I realize something. I’m not doing a damn thing by calling and texting. I’m not accomplishing anything by sitting here in Fredricks. I’m not getting my girl back. I’m not making her come to her senses by pointlessly calling a phone I know she won’t answer. Because Lenni would have her phone off to keep from calling me back, to keep from texting me back. She’s doing what she thinks is right, but I’m not. It’s about time I remedy that situation. It’s been almost two weeks. And two weeks is too long without the other half of my heart being here with me.
My five year old has just given me one of the biggest lessons I’ve ever had in my life.
Go the fuck after what you want.
Chapter 27
LENNI
I’ve spent the past two weeks holed up at my parents’ house. After the first night at the townhouse I couldn’t stand staying there and possibly putting Amber in harm’s way. She doesn’t deserve that either.
I feel safe here. Or at least as safe as I can be. My parents’ house is secure with extremely high fences and a state of the art security system. If Ryan decides to come here, we’ll see him long before he has access to the house.
At least I hope.
I’ve barely ventured out of my bedroom, and the few times I have it’s been at my mother’s request for dinner. Even then I only picked around at my food, using the age old method of maneuvering food on a plate to make it seem like you’ve eaten it.
I can’t find the will power to do anything productive. My mom has taken care of all my business affairs since I’m too much of a coward to get out of this bed and do something with my life.
Life. Life is what I had with Wes and Elli. It was beautiful, and it was real. But even the real things can become fictional in the blink of an eye. I’m living proof.
My eyes are puffy and sore from the infinite tears I have shed, my head has been in constant pain from the emotional ache consuming it.
When I sleep, I dream of Wes. When I’m awake I think of Wes. His scent, the way his lips taste on mine, the way he can hold me and make me feel like I am the only person in the world, is ingrained into the very fiber of my being.
I can’t watch television because every time I see a little girl on it, I break down wishing it were Elli instead. I miss her dimpled smile, I miss her silly little laugh, I miss the bedtime stories, and little jokes she tells. I just miss her.
I knew it would be hard to walk away from them, but what I didn’t know was that it would hurt worse with each day that passed. The void becomes greater. The silence becomes louder. The pain becomes deeper.
They say love makes you do crazy things, and I’ve found that to be nothing but truth. I love Wes and Elli more than I could have ever fathomed loving another human being. I loved them enough to let them go. I just wish my heart would let them go. I thought I was making the right decision by leaving, but now I’m not so sure.
“You don’t get to fucking decide for me…”
But I did decide for him. I made the choice for him in spite of all his begging me not to. Walking away from the only man who’s ever mad
e me feel worth something broke me. Watching him stand there, hands in his pockets, as tears streamed from his face as I drove away crushed the final pieces of my soul.
I wonder if his heart is as broken as mine. I wonder if he misses me as much as I miss him and Elli. I wonder…
No! I can’t think of that, I made my decision, now I just have to learn to live with it.
I have had my phone turned off since the night I got in. I haven’t been able to turn it on, for fear that Wes texted or left voicemails. If I hear from him it will make this that much worse, and that is something I can’t handle right now. I’m not that strong.
I miss him more today than yesterday, but not near as much as I will tomorrow.
I crawl out of bed and find his Braves t-shirt I took when I left. I needed something to remind me of him. The smell is slowly fading, no longer having the strong aroma of his cologne. But I slip it on anyways. I wrap myself up in the covers, imagining it’s him wrapping me in his arms. But just like every other time I slip it on it doesn’t bring me comfort, only pain and more heartbreak. But it also makes me feel like I’ll always have a piece of Wes Taylor with me.
I lie there and cry, once again, for the life I gave up all because my past refused to leave me alone.
I hear a light knock on the bedroom door. “Come in,” I call out, sitting up against my headboard.
My mom walks in carrying a plate of cheese and crackers. “I thought you should get something in your stomach.” Sitting down on the bed beside me, she tests me. “Do you want to talk about it?”
I really don’t want to, but since I’ve gotten here I’ve not given her any explanation other than “Ryan ruined my life, again.”
I owe her something, anything. She’s been here for me without question. It’s time I open up and share a small piece of my heartache with her. Maybe she’ll help ease my broken heart. “I guess,” I say, taking a bite of a cracker.
“Okay,” she replies apprehensively.
I take a moment to gather myself, not wanting to break down, again, in front of someone. Especially not my put together mother. I’ve had enough of that for a lifetime. “Have you ever made a decision that you thought was the only correct one to make, but it ripped your heart out in the process?”