Hard To Stay

by S. Jones

  “Friends? Please.” She shook her head with her ponytail swinging back and forth like she didn’t believe me. “I saw the way he was looking at you and it sure as hell didn’t look like friendship in his eyes. Trust me, I would know.”

  Guilt started to seep inside of me. It was no secret that she was interested in him. What kind of friend did that make me?

  As if she could read my mind she put down her fork and looked at me. “It’s no secret I’ve been trying to get his attention forever.” She sighed looking away then she turned her gaze back to me. “Trust me, he’s never once looked at me the way he was looking at you last night.”

  “He was just doing his job. Really.” I tried to explain, not sure who I was trying to convince more, her or me?

  “Really!” She looked at me in disbelief. “I don’t think so. Him driving you home last night and walking you to work this morning had nothing to do with his job.”

  I laughed, trying not to let my mind go there. “Whatever you say.”

  She smirked at me as she finished the last bite of her salad. “I say you should go for it.”

  Without saying another word, she stood up from her chair and walked out of the room leaving me alone with my thoughts.

  The rest of the day seemed to drag by at a slow and impossible pace. When I glanced again at the clock and saw that it was quitting time, I shot out of my chair like a sprinter in a 100-yard dash, threw my purse around my shoulder and bolted towards the door.

  As soon as I stepped outside, my heart quickened at the sight of Brad. He was leaning with his back against the front of my office building, hands in pockets, shades on and looking even more striking than he did this morning. God sure did bless him in the looks department. As far as I was concerned, he was the total package. I stared at him for a good 10 seconds before he raised his eyes toward mine. I saw a slight knowing grin spread across his face.

  “Hi there.” I said, as he stepped in front of me.

  “Hey!” He nodded in return pushing his sunglasses up to the top of his head. “How are you doing?” I expected him to sound relaxed and carefree but his voice was thick with concern.

  “I’m fine.” I lied, trying to ease his worry.

  Sensing my fib, he placed his hands on his hips and shook his head back and forth. “I’m sorry, Lexi.”

  “Hey!” I reached out and placed my hand gently on his arm. “It’s okay, I know you tried.”

  His heavy gaze focused on my hand but his expression was unreadable. He looked away, and I sensed a tug of war going on in his head. There were moments in time where you just knew they held some special type of significance. This was definitely one of those moments. I dropped my hand, letting it fall to the side. There wasn’t a single nerve ending in my body that wasn’t aware of him. Even with all the noise, and the mass of people clogging the streets around us eager to get home, it still hit me like a ton of bricks. So, I did what any normal person would do. I pushed it back into my subconscious as far as it would go and locked it up tight while avoiding his gaze.

  He lifted the sleeve of his dress shirt and checked his watch. “Do you want to go grab a bite to eat and talk about it?” My eyes flashed in surprise as I tried to read into what the invitation actually meant for me.

  My mindset wavered between wanting to spend time with him and knowing that it wasn’t a good idea. My emotions felt like they were on a roller coaster ride. I wasn’t sure what was going on between us, but I liked it almost to the point of where I needed it. There was something indescribable about Brad that pulled me towards him with a force I couldn’t resist.

  “Sure,” I said, hoping he didn’t notice the careful way I had answered his question. Brad and I slowly walked along West Broadway as we headed toward my apartment. Normally I would jump at the chance to avoid having to cook but the past 24 hours had left me sleep-deprived, and I just wanted the comfort of my own apartment. “On second thought, would you mind if we eat in instead?”

  “No, not at all,” he said, as we continued to walk along the busy street. Lost in my thoughts, I absent-mindedly stepped into the intersection, completely oblivious to the ‘Don’t Walk’ sign flashing red in front of me. I was startled to attention when I heard a cab horn scream in my ear and felt Brad grab me at the waist, preventing me from stepping in front of its bumper.

  “Are you okay?” he asked, his concerned eyes searching mine. My body was trembling as I reflexively pulled back from his grasp. The way I was feeling had nothing to do with the scare of the taxi. It was the impact of falling into the safety of Brad’s arms that had my head spinning.

  I laughed nervously, silently wrestling with the emotions that I was feeling. “Oh my God. I’m such a klutz.” I said, trying to recover from my embarrassment. Acting like a fool seemed like a much better option than admitting what really had me worked up inside.

  He still looked unsure. “You’re not a klutz.” He gently scolded. “You just weren’t paying attention. You walked right out into the street when the cab had the right of way.”

  “Sorry, I guess I’m just a little distracted.”

  A light breeze stirred in the air as I squinted into the setting sun, searching for a way to make sense out of the undeniable chemistry that we had together. My life had been a whirlwind since Colton popped back up in my life, conjuring up feelings that I had hoped to never feel again. Both men had taken up space in my head today and when you combined the two, it left me feeling rattled. I was one hot mess.

  Once we arrived back at my apartment, Brad insisted on going in first to check things out. I watched him move through my small space, carefully checking each room before declaring it safe. I wished I could say he was overreacting, but the truth was with Colton anything was possible.

  Making my way into the kitchen, I inspected the contents of my fridge, blocking out the feelings that swirled in my head. I couldn’t ignore the fact that I enjoyed having Brad in my personal space probably more than I should have.

  I pulled out a block of cheddar cheese and reached to open the cupboard. A box of shells and a container of Italian breadcrumbs sat on the bottom shelf. Perfect, now I just hoped he liked mac ‘n cheese because if he didn’t, then it was clear we were going to have a little problem.

  When I turned my head, I caught his gaze traveling up my legs right up to my mouth.

  I gulped, “Um, I know it’s not a five star restaurant, but I can whip up some mac ‘n cheese, and I have a cheap bottle of wine in the fridge.”

  Brad shoved his hands in his pants pockets, looking guilty that I caught him staring. He moved his eyes, so they were trained over my shoulder. “I can’t remember the last time I had mac and cheese that didn’t come out of a box.” He said, slowly sliding onto one of the stools at the kitchen island.

  My apartment was small, but it was cozy. The kitchen island didn’t leave much room to move around in, but I loved to cook, and it always felt like home when I was in the kitchen.

  Walking over to the stove I placed the pan on the burner so it could heat up to a boil. “I’m sorry. I know it’s not much, but I promise you won’t leave here on an empty stomach.”

  Brad leaned into the counter, stretching out his arms before folding his hands in his lap. “What are you sorry for? I love it. It actually sounds really good.”

  “It’s just not very fancy.”

  Brad cocked his head to the side with the corners of his mouth tugging into that grin I had come to love. “Do I look fancy to you, country girl?”

  No, he didn’t! Not at all. He was the exact opposite of what I was used to. Maybe that’s why I liked him so much. Colton never would have allowed me to prepare this dish. Fats and carbs were almost forbidden. He always demanded that the food had to be clean, fresh, organic and healthy. On the rare occasions that I was allowed to make something similar to this, Colton always controlled how much was put on my plate, reminding me that it would only end up ‘hanging around my hips’. Cooking for him was a challenge at first
but then it quickly became an escape.

  Wrinkling my nose, I stared him up and down in mock disgust, feeling my playful side kick in. “Fancy no, you’re just very city-ish. You’re probably used to Thai and all that European food I can barely pronounce.”

  Brad threw his head back in laughter. His deep playful laugh vibrated through my apartment and I absolutely fell in love with the sound. I couldn’t help but smile back.

  “Is city-ish even a word?”

  I sheepishly replied, shrugging my shoulders. “Probably not, but it suits you.” I walked back over to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of Chardonnay. “Wine?” I asked holding up the bottle for his inspection.

  Brad bristled, “Is there any chance you have any beer in there?” He asked pointing towards the fridge.

  “Nope!” I replied with a smirk.

  Scratching the back of his head, he blew out a defeated sigh, “Okay, beggars can’t be choosers.”

  Placing my hand on my hip, I narrowed my eyes at him playfully, “How dare you? I go to all this trouble of creating this elaborate dish from scratch, then you have the nerve to turn your nose up at my cheap wine.”

  Brad rolled his eyes. “Will you quit fucking with me and pour me a glass of that wine?”

  “Ask nicely,” I teased him, as my grin grew wider. Where was this playfulness coming from? I couldn’t remember the last time I was this relaxed around a man.

  Letting out a dramatic sigh, he rolled his eyes and rephrased his question. “Lexi, would you mind pouring me a glass of that mighty fine wine, please?”

  “Sure, no problem.” I smiled and filled his glass to the rim.

  After putting the dish in the oven, I walked into the living room and paused. Brad sat comfortably on the couch while I stood there unsure where to sit. I felt stupid contemplating on whether or not I should sit beside him or in the chair across from him? When he moved closer towards the arm of the sofa, I took that as my sign. I could feel my body press slightly against his under my weight on the cushion. I handed him his glass of wine, staring off in the direction of the kitchen. The growing warmth of his leg against my own had me questioning whether or not I made the right decision.

  Brad lifted his eyes to look at me. “Hey look, if we’re going to be friends and hang out, you’ll need to eventually stock up on some beer. Just sayin’.” He said casually over the rim of his glass.

  My chest tightened at the thought of us spending time together. But then I was struck with a brief moment of regret for placing that ‘friend’ label on us to begin with. The word ‘friend’ kept circling around in my brain as I struggled to find a place for it. Even though I told myself that was all I had to offer him at the moment, it still didn’t feel right.

  It was obvious that I was attracted to him, but it was more than just physical. God knew that would’ve been a good enough reason to want him, but there was something else, too. It was his sense of understanding, and there were moments that I seemed to trust him on an elemental level that frightened me. It was also completely crazy because I barely knew the man.

  Even if I wanted to entertain the idea of the possibility of more between us, our timing wasn’t right. He was just a friend—a new friend—and that was exactly how I would treat him.

  “Don’t worry,” I assured him while taking a sip from my glass, “I won’t tell your cop buddies that you drink white wine or that you’re considering doing a little moonlighting as a male model on the side.”

  His laugh alone brought a goofy grin to my face. He angled his head to the side. “Lexi Manning, I can tell you’re going be trouble.” He taunted me while trying to hide his amusement.

  My fingers played along the rim of my wine glass trying to break the silence. “So, friend.” I said silently, despising how much I hated the word. “What made you decide to become a cop?”

  Brad set his glass down on the coffee table and turned towards me. “I knew since I was 10 years old that was what I wanted to do.”

  “But you’re in Internal Affairs now, correct?”

  He picked up his glass and sucked back the rest of his wine. “That’s correct. Not my first choice, but I’m hoping to transfer back into my old unit soon.”

  “I don’t understand. Why would you take the position if you didn’t want it?”

  “That’s a loaded question. One that would take too long to answer.” He gave me an uneasy smile. Something about his response struck me, but I let it slide and moved on to the next one.

  I cleared my throat trying to choose my words carefully. “You mentioned earlier that you were in a long-term relationship. What happened?”

  Brad coughed into his hand, then draped his arm along the back of the couch looking uncomfortable. “Wow, you go right for the jugular, huh?” He laughed, but there wasn’t a trace of humor in his voice.

  “I’m sorry, it’s really none of my business. I was just curious that’s all.” Truthfully, I was more than curious, I was digging, but I couldn’t help myself. He was like a big 1000-piece jigsaw puzzle that you couldn’t wait to figure out and put together.

  Brad averted my gaze, and I suddenly wished I could take my question back. “Let me ask you something. Do you like talking about your ex?”

  “No,” I said immediately, almost automatically.

  Without even blinking he replied. “I don’t like talking about mine, either.”

  The rawness in his voice struck me in the gut. That one little sentence pretty much told me all I needed to know. The entire mood in the room shifted from playful to serious. It was clear that this was not a topic he enjoyed talking about. My guess was that it was a very painful breakup. My heart grew heavy as I watched the deep frown lines settle into his expression.

  I quickly tried to change the topic before the entire evening was ruined. After a couple awkward exchanges, we managed to get things back on track and talked all through dinner. We talked about his job, his friends, his family, and his love for the New York Giants. I opened up about my high school years, being away at college and the family vacations we took. The conversation and the wine flowed easily. Four hours and two bottles of Chardonnay later, it felt like we had only just started talking. The effects of the alcohol had settled in—it was just enough to take the edge off and keep the conversation flowing. Even though we had been drinking over a number of hours, my head felt a little cloudy.

  When he leaned in to place his empty glass on the coffee table, the scent of his cologne and the heat radiating off his body hit every single one of my senses. I hadn’t wanted for many things in my life, especially a man. But with Brad, I found myself wanting many things, namely him. In what capacity I still wasn’t sure. All I knew was that his presence just drew me closer. Even though the cards were stacked against us, my heart still tightened and fluttered whenever he was near me. It gave me hope and left me wanting more, even as I put up verbal barriers to keep him away.

  He pushed himself off the couch and carried the empty wine bottles to the kitchen. After putting the bottles in the recycling bin, he glanced at his phone, taking note of the time. “I can’t believe I’ve been here all night.”

  A yawn escaped as I stretched my arms out over my head and stood up. He smirked at me. “I think I’ve kept you up past your bedtime.” There was a twinkle in his eye.

  I smirked back. “I think you’re a bad influence on me.”

  The glimmer in his eyes disappeared and his face turned serious. “Lexi, listen, there’s no good way to say this, so I’m just going to come right out and say it.”

  A brief flicker of nerves traveled through me. My defenses started to mount as panic built up in my chest. Brad took a step towards me. “I don’t know your ex very well, but from what I can tell he doesn’t strike me as the type that will just walk away. I want you to be careful.” He placed his hands on my shoulders and stared into my eyes. “Promise me you’ll be careful.”

  “I promise.”

  “Good.” He sighed and squeezed my shoulder b
efore he removed his hand. My shoulders slumped in protest from the loss of physical contact. “In the meantime, if you need to leave for lunch or whatever… please make sure you always have someone with you. Never leave your house or the office alone.”

  I snapped my head up to his. “How do you expect me to do that?”

  “For the time being, I’ll escort you to and from work, and on occasions that I can’t I’ll make sure someone else does.”

  Was he serious?

  “Brad, I appreciate your concern but don’t you think that’s a little extreme?”

  He sighed again, looking uncomfortable. “I got a bad vibe from him and I don’t want to take any chances. And besides, your office is on my way to work so it will be no trouble at all. Plus,” he added, rubbing his flat stomach that looked like it was crafted in steel. “If I’m going to be eating meals like that I’m going to need to burn off the extra calories.”

  Normally, I might have laughed or followed up with a smart-ass remark but his serious tone reminded me about how unpredictable Colton could be. I started to feel a bit overwhelmed by everything.

  “Why are you doing all this? I mean you barely know me.”

  A glimpse of hurt flashed in his eyes as if I offended him, but he responded immediately. “I told you. It goes with the territory. Protect and serve, remember? Plus, I like you and I think you’re a good person.” He paused for a moment choosing his words carefully. “You deserve a hell of a lot better than what you’ve had to live through so far.”

  There was a degree of intensity in his eyes that I couldn’t discern, but the sincerity in his words left a lasting impact on me. It had been a long time since I felt a connection to anyone. For years, I’d lived emotionally alone, but his caring ways sprinkled a little hope back into my life without me realizing it.

  Just as the heaviness of my thoughts started to settle in, he broke out into a smile. “Besides, you and I are friends now and I always help my friends out. Even if they are a pain in the ass sometimes.” He smirked taking some of the seriousness away from this conversation which I was eternally grateful for.