Lullaby of Tears

by Becs, Lindsay

  “Not until summer. I won’t start school until September. You aren’t getting rid of me that fast,” she says as she nudges my shoulder.

  “Not fast enough, I’m so sick of you already. Gross,” I scoff jokingly.

  “Is that because you have a new baby daddy in waiting?” she asks, batting her eyes at me.

  “He is not a ‘baby daddy in waiting.’ He is pretty amazing though,” I say, playing with the sheet that’s over me.

  “It was pretty sweet of him to stay through everything.”

  “Lo, I don’t know what to do.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “He’s leaving in two days to tour for the next who-knows-how-long, and I just had a baby. Am I being crazy thinking this could work?”

  “I don’t know. If you haven’t scared him off yet, then I don’t think you will. But are you okay with him being gone and at the same time being a part of your son’s life?”

  “That’s just it. I don’t know. I feel like everything in me changed the moment I saw Easton today. It’s not that I don’t trust Mitch, but I have to be careful now with who I let in my son’s life.”

  “Wow. It’s like you aged ten years in a day.”

  “Shut up,” I laugh.

  “I’m serious, Lily. It takes a lot to say that. I know how much you’ve wanted this with him.”

  “Yeah…timing. Timing is never very nice to us.”

  “So, who’s the real dad? You ready to spill yet? And you’re welcome for not asking when your mom was here, by the way.”

  “Shit. You noticed too?”

  “Who else did?”

  “Mitch. He almost left earlier because of it.”

  “What changed his mind?”

  “My boob,” I laugh.

  “What an ass.”

  “It’s Luka. That one-night stand at Whitey’s. He’s the dad.”

  “I thought you said you used a condom?”

  “He did. Guess it broke. He was huge…” I trail off as I blush, thinking about it.

  “Sweet baby Jesus. I do not want to hear these things,” she murmurs.

  “Sorry,” I laugh. “At least he was hot as hell. My son is gorgeous. He’s going to be like a Greek god when he’s older.”

  “Well, there’s that,” she laughs at me, shaking her head. “Do you know how to get in touch with him?”

  “Nope,” I say making a pop sound. “He told me he wasn’t from here. Said he was visiting and would look me up next time he was in town. We exchanged names, not numbers. Luka Grable, that’s all I know.”

  Lola put on another movie and lay in my bed with me. It didn’t take long for me to fall asleep. I woke up to feed Easton four times, and by 6:00 a.m., I was crying from being so tired. Lo was sitting with me and rubbing my back as I fed my son, again.

  My boobs hurt, I am so tired, I want a shower and I can’t stop crying. I’m a hot mess. When I hear a knock and see the door open, I smile as I look up to see Mitch standing there with coffee. I start to cry harder through my smile.

  “This was supposed to make you happy, not make you cry,” he says, looking at me with a grin on his perfect face.

  “She’s been crying for the past twenty minutes; don’t take it personally,” Lo replies, laughing at my expense.

  “Is it real coffee?” I ask, eyeing the cup of deliciousness in his hand.

  “Yes, it is,” he replies as he walks over, adding, “Morning, gorgeous,” before he bends down and kisses me with a big smile.

  “Morning,” I beam.

  And then my son about sucks my whole nipple off. It hurts so bad and makes me yell, “Fuck!” And I start to cry again. “I’m a terrible mother. I just dropped an eff bomb in front of my not even one-day old.”

  Mitch runs his hand over my hair and muffles his laugh as he kisses me on the head. “You gave me a pass yesterday, so I think you can have one today,” he assures me.

  “I swear he just likes to keep me naked in front of you,” I say as I button up my nursing bra as my son lays across my lap completely milk drunk and asleep. I just stare at him, smiling and shaking my head because really, what am I going to do right now?

  “Hey, I’m not complaining,” Mitch says with a shrug.

  “You are a sick bastard,” Lo says, rolling her eyes.

  “Maybe, but I did bring the coffee.”

  “Ok, forgiven,” she says, jumping up to grab her cup.

  “Thank you,” I say as I take a sip of the delicious coffee. “You’re my hero.”

  “Oh, good Lord!” Lola huffs, making us both laugh.

  “I’m not a hero, but I’d like to be your something,” Mitch says as he cups my face and wipes the last of my tears away with his thumbs. I sit there looking into his eyes. I wish I could look into his eyes for forever.

  * * *

  I’m so happy to be home and not surrounded by medical equipment or nurses coming to take my vitals every hour, but it feels strange. Coming home with Easton is such a surreal moment. This is real. I have another human being to care for now. I feel so inadequate, but I’m going to do everything in my power to be the best mom I can be.

  When I got home yesterday, I told Lola she had to go home. I need to start doing this on my own. I’m not going to have other people with me all the time and especially not at night. It’s time to put on my big-girl panties—my white cotton mom panties—and do this.

  Although, Mitch is coming over soon to see me before he leaves tomorrow for their tour. I’m not ready at all for him to go, but I’m not going to stand in his way either.

  Today I have managed to keep my child calm, fed and clean. I finally got a shower and am feeling more human again too. Best. Shower. Ever.

  I’m snuggling my little bundle while I wait for Mitch. I cannot keep my hands off this little guy. I just keep staring at him in disbelief that he’s mine.

  When I hear Mitch knock on the door, I get butterflies in my stomach. “Come in,” I whisper-yell as I hold my sleeping baby boy.

  “I came with libations,” Mitch says with his arms outstretched to the sides, holding up two bottles of wine.

  “You do remember that I’m nursing my child, right?” I ask with a smirk.

  “I read that if you just fed, you can have one glass of wine and it won’t have an effect on the baby. It will be through your system by the time you have to feed again.” I look at him in shock that he actually researched this. “That’s right, I know some stuff,” he says with a cocked eyebrow and sexy smile.

  “You’re crazy.” I shake my head, smiling.

  “I’ll take that as a compliment,” he says, walking over to where I’m sitting on the couch. “How’s little dude doing?”

  “He’s amazing,” I say, looking back down at Easton.

  “I got him something,” he says, holding up a wrapped box.

  “You didn’t have to do that. You have already done so much.”

  “Shut up. Give me the kid and open it,” he says as he reaches for the baby on my lap.

  Once he has Easton in his arms, I tuck my feet under me and start to unwrap the gift. Inside the box are a pair of the tiniest little black Converse shoes. But not just that, Mitch drew stars on the toes with a silver Sharpie, just like I had done to his over a year ago. I feel the tears forming in my eyes as I hold the sweetest gift for my son.

  I look up at Mitch and wipe away the tear that escaped down my cheek, leaving my hand there. “Gah! I have to get these emotions under control.”

  “Do you like them?” Mitch asks, looking at me almost sheepishly.

  “Mitch, this is the sweetest thing you could have given me. Easton. Us. They’re perfect.”

  “Would it be ok if I put little dude down for a few?”

  “Yeah, that’s fine. He just ate, so he should stay asleep for a little bit.”

  After Mitch lays Easton in his bassinet, he walks into my little kitchen and pours us each a glass of wine. “I might have just given birth, but you do realize we are b
oth underage, right?” I ask, taking the cup he is handing me.

  “I know, but Brix’s mom bought them and told me you deserved a glass after having a baby,” he says with a chuckle.

  “I like his mom,” I laugh.

  “I like you,” he says before taking a drink from his glass.

  “Mitch, we need to talk about this.”

  He raises a hand to stop me. “Don’t. We aren’t rushing anything. But don’t ruin our last night together.”

  “Mitch…”

  “Lily, I’m serious. I can’t leave knowing that you aren’t going to be here waiting for me.” The pleading on his face cracks my heart.

  “Are you for real? If anyone is moving on, it’s you. You’re going to be seeing the world, having girls throwing themselves at you and I’ll be here in sweatpants, doing online classes while raising a baby as a teen mom.”

  “But, baby, you make sweatpants look good,” he jokes, using a Jersey accent.

  I roll my eyes at him. “Why do you want me? You could have anyone. Literally. Don’t think I didn’t hear your song on the radio. You held out on me,” I say with a raised eyebrow.

  When he looks at me, I see his cheeks blush a little. Mitch doesn’t embarrass easily, so when he does, it’s adorable. “It’s not a big deal. We are far from stars.”

  “Mitch, this is huge for you guys. Be happy. I’m so proud of you. You deserve it all.”

  “But I want you with me through it. Lily, you were there when we played our first show at school yelling right along with Lo even before you knew us. Hell, half our album is songs I wrote with you in mind.”

  “Is my song on it?” I ask, looking up through my eyelashes.

  “Yes, all your songs are on it. Because I want the world to know what you mean to me.”

  “You are such an idiot for wanting me.”

  “I’m the luckiest. Because I get you and Easton. Don’t think that I want you and not him in my life. I know he comes with you. Just tell me you’re in this with me. I know it’s going to be hard and it will suck at times, but I need to know that you are all in. Do you want me?”

  “Of course, I do.” I lean back on the couch and close my eyes. “But it’s not fair to you.”

  “Will you stop saying that!” he says with a raised voice. “Stop telling me it’s not fair to me. If it wasn’t fair and I wasn’t okay with you and all that you come with, I wouldn’t be here. But, Lily…” He pauses and rubs the back of his neck. “You are all I think about. I wish you would stop selling yourself short. I wish you could see what I see. Because what I see is incredible.”

  I feel a tear fall down my cheek as I look up at him. He cups my face and wipes the tear away like he has so many times before. “Let me take all the tears away. Let me love you,” he whispers in my ear, and then his lips connect with mine. When he pulls away, I keep my eyes closed, savoring this moment. “Let me mend your broken heart. Let me sew our souls together like they're meant to be.”

  “Okay,” I whisper, and his lips crash into mine again. This time I give him everything I have.

  We’re brought to an end when Easton starts to cry. I pull away with my forehead resting on his, catching my breath. “You sure this is what you want?” I giggle.

  “No doubts in my mind,” he says, putting one last kiss on my nose. “Now, go feed your son.”

  “You just want to see my boobs again,” I say as I walk to get Easton.

  “Well, yeah.”

  * * *

  I feed Easton while Mitch keeps peeking at my breasts. Men. Then, we ordered a pizza, watched a movie and snuggled together. It was almost midnight, and I was just about done feeding Easton, again.

  “What time's your flight tomorrow?” I ask, not wanting to look at him, afraid I was going to cry again.

  “We leave at six in the morning.”

  “Why are you still here? You should go get some sleep,” I say, surprised he stayed this late.

  “I can sleep on the plane. I want to spend every second I can with my girl.” The butterflies return hearing him call me his girl.

  “So, I’m your girl again, huh?” I say with a smirk.

  “Lily, you’ve always been my girl.”

  “I’m sorry I screwed everything up.”

  “Don’t. It is what it is. We’re together now.”

  I lay Easton back down and turn, zipping up my sweatshirt. I see Mitch’s eyes lingering on my chest. “You know I can’t…” I trail off.

  His brow creases in confusion. “You can’t what?”

  “Sex. I can’t have sex for like, six weeks,” I say, looking at the floor and playing with the strings on my shirt.

  “Lil, as much as I would love nothing more than to feel your body on mine, I’m not going to rush that with you. You know that, right?”

  “Yeah, I guess so.”

  “Look at me,” he says with his voice firmer now. I look up and straight into his blue eyes. “There isn’t any pressure or rush, okay? I want you for you, not just for your smokin’ hot body,” he says with a smirk.

  “I don’t really feel that ‘smokin’ hot’ right now, so I’ll take your word for it,” I say, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear.

  “You are beautiful,” he says, closing the distance between us and wrapping his arms around me. He takes in a big breath. “I should go.”

  “Call me when you land?”

  “I’ll call you every chance I get,” he says, kissing me on the head as he hugs me tight. I close my eyes and lean into him, breathing him in.

  “I’m going to miss you so much.” I start to cry, yet again, because I can’t seem to do anything without crying lately.

  “Hey, it’s going to be okay. Don’t be sad, okay?” he says, cupping my face in his hands and kissing my falling tears. “I should know our schedule tomorrow. I’ll send it to you, and we’ll work out when I can see you. I promise I’ll be back every chance I get.”

  “Okay,” I sniff.

  “Lily, I mean it. Stop second-guessing it. I can see the wheels turning. It’s going to be okay.”

  “I feel so selfish wanting you to stay,” I finally admit.

  “Trust me. I wish I could stay.”

  I look up at him with my arms still around his middle. “I’m really proud of you. You are going to be amazing. The whole world is going to love you. Rock ‘Em Dead.” I smile as I use his band name as a sendoff.

  “Dork,” he chuckles into my hair.

  “But you said you want me in all my ways,” I remind him.

  “I more than want you. I’m falling for you.”

  “Oh…” I gasp with wide eyes.

  “Till the end, Lily.” With that, he kisses me hard and deep and then turns for the door.

  “Wait!” I yell.

  He stops and turns my way. Walking to him, I confess, “I’m falling too. I just want you to know. We’ll be here when you get back.” I rise onto my toes and kiss his cheek.

  “Fuck,” he breathes out, “this is so much harder than I thought it would be.”

  “Sorry.”

  “I’ll call you tomorrow.”

  “Tomorrow.”

  “Till the end, Lily.”

  “Till the end,” I repeat.

  17

  Lily

  Easton just turned six months old. It is crazy how fast time flies when you have a little person to look after. He is the best baby anyone could ask for. He was sleeping through the night by the time he was eight weeks old, eats just about anything and is growing like a champ. He’s so happy all the time with his huge smile and adorable dimples. He is my whole heart.

  Just two weeks after he was born, I started online classes. Although it was insane and I was so exhausted when they started, I’m doing really well. I’ve been able to hold good grades and turn everything in on time. I call that a win for sure. I decided to keep with the online classes for now. It’s easiest with needing to be flexible with Easton around.

  I also started working the f
ront desk at my dad’s office, answering phones and a few other things here and there. It’s enough to allow me to save up some money and still have enough time for Easton and school. My mom has been watching East while I work. She loves it, and it’s nice that he doesn’t have to leave his home.

  Lola left last week to live full-time in her new apartment in the city. Her classes start next week. She worked so hard this summer and finished high school a year early so that she could ‘get a move on with her life’ as she says. She’s always been ready to take on the world. She’ll be amazing; I have no doubts.

  Lo has helped me so much in the last months. She watched East so I could work on homework, helped keep me emotionally together and has been the best friend I could ask for. It’s going to suck with her not living down the street anymore.

  Now, Mitch…I miss him so much my chest hurts when I think about him. He’s always anxious to hear about my super boring day but listens like it’s so exciting that Easton ate a whole jar of peas and then pooped green. As much as it didn’t make sense for Mitch to want me, he’s made every attempt for me to feel nothing but love and adoration from him.

  He’s kept his promise and calls, Skypes and texts me any time he can. He’s sent me flowers and cheesy gifts from the places where he stopped along his tour. He’s made me feel like his whole world.

  I was falling head over heels for this rock star who was taking the world by storm. This guy who had girls screaming his name, fans singing his songs, and everyone trying to get a piece of his stardom, but for some reason, he was choosing me.

  I was falling for him despite not having seen him in person in over six months. That’s the only part of his promise he hasn’t been able to keep. And the last time I did see him, I had just given birth to another guy’s baby. I’m still not sure if this is real or just my mind playing an ugly joke, but I’m willing to see where it goes.

  He’s tried to plan it, but once the guys did their first TV appearance, they shot up to stardom overnight. Their single hit the top ten on all the music charts, and their label added more dates into their already crazy schedule, filling in the gaps when he would have come to visit. He’s asked me to meet him in one city or another, but I can’t leave Easton for that long. Besides, it would be too much taking him with me with the late nights and travel, let alone school and work.