Torn

by Jennifer L. Armentrout

  I couldn’t, God help me, couldn’t help but notice how low his jeans hung and that he really had a—oh God, no! I blinked tightly as Tink itched at his scalp. “I just realized I’ve never used the home phone to call you before. I could have kept tabs on you. How have I not thought of that?”

  “Guess my luck with that just wore off,” I muttered. “Order it, please.”

  I left before Tink could convince me to bring him with me, which wouldn’t be hard, because there was a part of me that kind of wanted to stash him in my purse. With the way things were going down, he was a good ace to have up my sleeve.

  I caught an Uber into the Quarter and got dropped off on Decatur. I walked past Cafe Du Monde and crossed the street, entering the park.

  It was early enough that it was relatively quiet as I made my way down the pathway. Frost covered the grass, and if it were a couple of degrees cooler, my breath would be leaving little puffy mists.

  I really needed a better game plan than busting up on random doorsteps. I could go back to headquarters and pour over the intel that we did have on best possible places. If I could find a fae that wouldn’t kill itself immediately, I could possibly find the prince—find Drake.

  I stopped in front of the statue of Jackson and folded my arms around my waist. Maybe that was why I was out here. Maybe, deep down, I came to this park because I’d seen the prince here before. Tink was right. Being out here, hoping to lure the prince out, was stupid, but if Ren was missing, it had something to do with him.

  If anything happened to him, I could never forgive myself. I hadn’t even really forgiven myself over what had happened to Shaun yet, and that seriously had been my fault. I’d made a horrible series of choices that inevitably led to his death, along with my adoptive parents, Holly and Adrian.

  I looked up at the statue of Jackson, exhaling roughly. I knew that I hadn’t done anything on purpose other than getting close to Ren, but God, I didn’t want to go through this again. I didn’t want to—

  “Ivy.”

  My heart stopped in my chest. I recognized that voice. I knew that voice. Half-afraid it was my imagination, I turned around slowly. My breath caught in my throat, and emotion exploded in me like a Roman candle.

  Ren stood behind me.

  Chapter Eighteen

  “Ren,” I whispered, staring up at him, almost not believing he was standing there. Suddenly I was tossed back in time, to the first time I’d seen him.

  I’d lay bleeding on the steps of the headquarters from a nifty little gunshot wound, and I’d thought I was seeing things. He’d reminded me of one of the angels painted on the ceilings of old churches. It sounded ridiculous, but the classic hard line of his jaw and those chiseled features had been almost perfectly pieced together. Even the mess of curly waves was like the painted angels I’d always been fascinated with. I’d seen a ton of hot guys before, especially since moving to New Orleans. Sometimes the city was a melting pot of hotness, but Ren could hold his own compared to a fae, and that was saying something.

  He reminded me of that now, standing before me like an avenging angel.

  My heart pounded so fast that I felt sick, and I spoke the first thing that came to mind. “Where have you been?”

  Ren stepped closer, so that he was standing under the shadow of Jackson with me. “I’ve been around.”

  “David has been trying to call you. I’ve called. I thought . . .” I took a deep breath, willing my heart to slow down, but nervous energy had taken over. Standing in front of him now that he knew I was the halfling was seriously overwhelming. “I thought at first you just disappeared because of what I told you about myself. And then I feared that the prince had taken you—oh God, I haven’t even told you about all of that.” I winced. “I was going to tell you. I swear, but you left after I told you about me being the halfling, and I didn’t get the chance to tell you everything.”

  “Ivy—”

  “I saw the prince twice. He was actually here, just outside the park, the first time I left the apartment, and he showed up when I chased Val.” I rushed on, needing to get it all out before he uttered another word. “He was the one who killed Val, Ren. He knocked her right off the rooftop like she was nothing but a discarded . . .” I sucked in a sharp breath. “Like a piece of trash. Then you came to see me, and I’d planned on telling you the truth earlier in the evening before Henry interrupted us. I couldn’t go another second without you knowing, so I told you and then you disappeared—”

  “Ivy.” His hands, cool from the morning air, cupped my cheeks, silencing me. Ren was touching me. He was actually touching me despite what he knew. “It’s okay.”

  I had to be hearing things. “I don’t understand.”

  He smiled crookedly. “What don’t you understand?”

  Wanting to return the touch but unsure of his reaction even though he was touching me, I made fists at my sides. “I’m the halfling, Ren.” My voice was low. “I’m this . . . this abomination.”

  His head tilted. “You are not an abomination.”

  My breath caught. “You can’t mean that.”

  “I do.”

  Disbelief thundered through me. “That doesn’t make sense. You know what being a halfling means. I’m not even completely human. The prince wants to knock me up to have an apocalypse baby—”

  “I wish you would stop calling it that.” His brows furrowed.

  “But it’s true.” I stepped back, and his arms fell to his sides. “I mean, I’m still Ivy, but I’m also this . . . this thing, and you came to New Orleans to find the halfling. How can this be okay? Especially after what happened to your friend when you were growing up? And now that Kyle and Henry are here, members of the Elite who know that Val wasn’t the halfling, how can any of this be okay?”

  His emerald gaze flickered over my face. “Because I will make it okay.”

  Ren said it so simply that I almost believed him. I opened my mouth, but there weren’t any words, so I just shook my head. I didn’t understand how he could make it okay.

  Ren reached for me. “Ivy—”

  I held up a hand, warding him off for reasons I didn’t fully understand. “You called me a ‘thing’ after I told you that I loved you, and then you left me standing on the street. And look, I’m not really even judging you for that. Yeah, it was kind of shitty, especially since you disappeared afterwards, but I dropped a massive truth-bomb on you. So I get why you needed time to deal with everything, but I don’t get—”

  Ren moved fast, curling one hand around the nape of my neck, and before I could take my next breath, his mouth was oh-so close to mine. “I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did, but I was shocked,” he said. “Now I’ve had time to think about it and everything will be okay.”

  It was like my brain had shut down and I’d lost all critical thinking abilities, because I heard what he was saying, but I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. There had been a tiny part of me which had hoped Ren would accept what I was when I told him, but I had recognized how foolish and naïve that was. Our duty had been ingrained in us since birth. To Order members, fulfilling our duty was the most important aspect of our lives, and with Ren being an Elite, even more so.

  I could hope all I wanted, but reality was . . . well, it was the cold, harsh truth that was inescapable.

  “Are you hungry?” he asked.

  I blinked. “What?”

  “Would you like to get something to eat?” Ren drew back and a half-grin appeared on his face.

  All I could do was stare at him.

  His grin increased, but I didn’t notice any dimples. He reached down and took my hand. “Let’s eat.”

  In such a state of shock, I let him lead me out of the park and across the street to Cafe Du Monde. I stood there when we got in line, painfully aware of his cool hand wrapped around mine. When I looked up at him, I found him staring at me, and I was pretty sure he hadn’t stopped doing that since he’d said my name.

  “Is this some kin
d of joke?” I asked.

  His brows furrowed. “I do not see how since I’m not sure why this would be funny.”

  A plug was sealing off my throat as I whispered, “Okay. Is this some kind of plan then? You pretend everything is okay and then hand me over to the other Elite members?”

  Ren shook his head and leaned over. His lips were close to my ear. “This is not a trap, Ivy. And the Elite will never get their hands on you.”

  I started to respond, but that plug had completely cut off my ability to speak, so I nodded and then stared straight ahead, tears blurring my vision. Was this really happening? Ren was here and he forgave me? Everything was okay, and we were going to order some beignets?

  Apparently that was what was going to happen. We ordered beignets for takeout and a bottle of water to share. There was a table open on the pavilion, which was another oddity that I had to chalk up to the mere presence of Ren.

  I watched him open the container and pull one of the beignets apart. All of this was incredibly surreal, like I’d wake at any moment and be devastated to discover this was just a dream.

  It took several minutes for me to be able to trust that I could speak without breaking down. Even after waiting and finding something sort of normal to talk about, my voice was hoarse. “Have you . . . checked in with David?”

  He shook his head. “I will later. He’s not really my priority right now.”

  I widened my eyes. “He’s so not going to like the sound of that.”

  “I cannot say I care.” Another quick flash of a grin.

  Oh, he was going to care when David laid into him. “What about Kyle? Henry? He—”

  “They’re not really my concern either.” He paused as he held the pastry between his fingers. “Are you going to eat?”

  Feeling out of it, I snatched up a beignet and took a bite. Of course, powdery sugar exploded everywhere, but I barely tasted the fluffy piece of heaven.

  Ren took a bite of his beignet and his face twisted with disgust. He turned and pitched it into a nearby trashcan.

  “Was there something wrong with your beignet?” I asked, brow raised.

  He brushed the powdered sugar off his fingertips. “It didn’t taste right.”

  I chewed mine and paid attention to it this time. “Mine’s fine.”

  Ren shrugged. “Didn’t like it.”

  “That . . . that is sacrilegious.”

  One side of his mouth quirked up. “I can think of a lot more interesting and naughty things that would be considered sacrilegious besides throwing away a beignet.”

  I warmed at his words but was hesitant. I finished eating my beignets, then took a gulp of water.

  Ren took the bottle. “You done?”

  I wiped my mouth with a napkin and nodded. Ren downed the rest of the water, and that too went into the trash. We rose and walked out to the sidewalk. Nerves were riding me hard. This seemed all too easy, too perfect. “Are you sure you’re okay with what I am and everything . . . everything else?”

  His gaze found mine and he took my hand, drawing me close. “I told you, Ivy. I’ve thought about everything. I’ve made . . . peace with it.” He paused, holding my cheek with his other hand. “You don’t believe me?”

  “I do.” I wanted to. “It’s just . . . I really thought you’d be disgusted with me.” I lowered my gaze to his chest. “I thought you’d be so repulsed.”

  “I could never be repulsed by you.” His hand slid to the back of my neck and he squeezed. “I wish you would not think that.”

  I felt like a broken record. “But you work for the Elite. It’s your duty—”

  “I don’t care about my duty. Not when it comes to you.”

  I started to speak, but he lowered his head, and every concern I had vanished as his lips neared mine. Ren was going to kiss me, and I hadn’t thought that would ever happen again. That we would be standing here like this. Our breaths mingled and our mouths hovered for a few precious, heart-pounding seconds, and then he was kissing me. He tasted of sugar and . . . winter mint, and as the kiss deepened, he pulled me even closer. So close that I knew we had to be drawing stares from those around us.

  “Let’s go somewhere.” Ren’s lips brushed mine. “So we can be alone.”

  My heart was beating all over the place, because I figured going somewhere to be alone meant he wanted to expand on the whole naughty thing he’d mentioned earlier. We had time. We weren’t due into work until that evening, but Ren really should be checking in with David.

  “What do you say?” he asked, kissing me again and scattering my thoughts once more. “I just want to be alone with you right now.”

  I wanted to be alone with him, too. As crazy as all of this was, it was what I needed—we needed. “Tink’s at my place.”

  “What?”

  “Well, of course, he’s always there,” I said, realizing how stupid that announcement was. “He actually wanted to come out and help look for you. I think he was being kind of genuine, which is a pretty big step,” I rambled on, suddenly feeling like Ren and I had just met. And maybe it was really like that, because now he knew what I was. There was nothing hidden between us. “He wanted to hide in my purse, but I figured the last thing I needed was getting caught with a brownie in my bag.”

  Ren’s gaze sharpened. “Let’s not go to your apartment.”

  “Your place then?” When he nodded, I ordered myself to remain cool and not break down in giddy hysterics. “Where’d you park?”

  “Didn’t park,” he answered.

  “No truck or motorcycle?”

  Ren shook his head.

  I stared up at him, brows furrowed. Why in the world would he take a cab or public transportation when he had his own vehicle? “Did you take a cab or something?”

  “Didn’t feel like driving,” he replied, smiling at me. Still no dimples. “Had a lot on my mind.”

  That was understandable, but also didn’t really answer why he hadn’t driven in a way that actually made sense. “Let’s head further down on Decatur,” I said. “It will be easier to catch a cab there.”

  We did just that, catching a ride over to his place in the warehouse district. I did most of the talking while Ren did most of the . . . staring. His eyes were on me the entire time. That was not an exaggeration. I squirmed in the backseat of the cab, flustered and a little unnerved. His quietness was a little bizarre, but he had to have a ton of things going on in his head.

  When we arrived at his place, he paid the cabbie and then we were riding up the elevator, and before I knew it, we were inside his flat.

  I hadn’t even seen him unlock the door. That was how out of it I was, how caught up in my own head. This all felt like a dream.

  Ren tossed his keys onto the coffee table, so obviously he had unlocked the door. “Want anything to drink?” he asked.

  I shook my head as I unhooked the daggers at my waist, placing them on the coffee table next to my bag. Then I sat down on his couch. “I’m fine.”

  “You’re nervous,” he pointed out, dropping into the seat beside me. “I don’t want you to be nervous.”

  “Is it that obvious?”

  “Yeah.” He glanced up at my messy knot. “I get that things have been . . . tough recently.”

  “Tough?” I laughed, sliding my hands along my knees. “I’m just . . . I don’t know. I keep thinking this is some kind of dream. That sounds stupid, doesn’t it?”

  “It’s not stupid.” Ren twisted toward me, placing his hand over mine. “I left you without giving you a chance to fully explain. I dropped off the map. It was wrong, especially after what happened to your friend.”

  “Yeah, that was kind of . . . dickish.”

  Ren’s eyes shone like cut gems. “I overreacted. Trust me, I regret it.”

  “You do?”

  “More than you will ever know,” he said.

  I took a deep breath that felt like it went nowhere. “How are we going to make this work?”

  “I don�
�t know,” he answered. “But I know we will.”

  There was a lot to be said. A lot. I felt like my brain was cycling on repeat, but when he leaned in, pressing his forehead against mine, I closed my eyes and let myself just be here, in this