Just Drive

by L. A. Witt

  “A lot of people have them, don’t they? I mean, I see them in base housing all the time.”

  “They do, but it’s not fair to the animals, you know? Moving around is stressful enough, but the deployments . . . a dog can adapt to a new house, even if there’s a road trip or a plane ride involved. When you disappear on them for six months or a year, though?” He shook his head. “I can’t do that to a dog.”

  “No kidding. They don’t understand.” I paused. “I’m not sure who has it worse, to be honest—the dog who doesn’t know what’s going on, or the kid who does.”

  He looked in my eyes. “It must be brutal.”

  “It sucks.” I paused. “Do you think you’ll get deployed again?”

  He swallowed. “It’s a possibility. It’s not likely at the moment, but I’ve been trying to get a ship for a while now. I need to command a boat if I want to get promoted. If that happens, it’ll mean deployments.”

  Nodding, I ran my hand down his arm, over the Super Hornet tattoo. “If it does happen, then . . . I mean, I guess we’ll deal with it when it comes.”

  He took my hand and kissed my palm. “That’s about all we can do. Dating’s a risk, and when the military’s involved, well . . .”

  “No kidding.” I exhaled. “It’s so stupid to take a chance like this.”

  Without a word, Paul drew me back in and kissed me again.

  And at least for tonight, the risk didn’t matter.

  Except it did matter. It always mattered. There was so much on the line if anyone found out!

  But . . . every time I was with him, it was harder and harder to talk myself into leaving and out of meeting up again.

  But . . . this.

  Sighing, I closed my eyes and let myself get lost in his kiss. I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to put on the brakes. I should’ve been, though. Even if a relationship with Paul hadn’t been forbidden because of his rank and my father’s, he was still in—and I still depended on—the military. We lived in a world where everything on a calendar or in an address book was written in pencil because things could change on a dime. Falling in love with someone was a gamble in the same way playing with a piece of unexploded ordnance was dangerous—odds were, it was going to blow up in your face.

  Wait.

  My heart stopped.

  Who said anything about falling in love?

  I drew back and met his gaze.

  Paul smiled. My heart started beating again.

  Oh.

  Oh crap.

  The motel where we’d hidden out was close to a deserted stretch of shoreline. Since we were miles out of Anchor Point, seemingly a world away from NAS Adams and all its regs, we wandered out onto the beach.

  I wasn’t sure why we were doing this to ourselves. Meeting up for sex was stupid. Communicating at all was stupid. Pretending there was any reason for us to be strolling along the shell-littered sand like a couple of guys on a date . . . really, really stupid.

  But there we were.

  We didn’t talk much. Paul might’ve been alone with his thoughts. Maybe wondering what the hell he was doing, or calculating how much more sex we could squeeze out of tonight before we parted ways for good this time. Just like we were supposed to have done the last time.

  Me, I was afraid to open my mouth. Every time I took a breath to speak, I hesitated. Whenever I even thought about saying anything, I had this split second of panic like I was going to blurt out something completely different and not realize what I’d said until it was too late. Especially since the words were there at the tip of my tongue. I knew exactly what wanted to come out, and I was scared shitless I’d say it without thinking about it.

  I really want to tell you I love you, but I’m afraid that’ll be the moment you realize I’m too young and too dumb.

  My cheeks burned with preemptive embarrassment.

  And what’s the point anyway?

  Preemptive embarrassment turned into that all too familiar disappointment.

  No matter what I feel, it isn’t like I can have you.

  So I kept my mouth shut. I enjoyed the rare chance to be with him, and took in the scenery because that kept me from staring at him.

  And it really was pretty out here. The sky was completely clear. This wasn’t one of those nasty, garbage-covered beaches like I’d seen in other places—here was nothing but sand, driftwood, rocks, and seashells. A hundred yards or so inland, some cabins were tucked into the evergreens that covered the rolling hills. Closer to the water, the odd boat was tied to a barnacle-covered post.

  Some crows argued with a seagull over a half-eaten crab, but otherwise, we were completely alone.

  After a while, Paul laughed softly.

  I looked at him. “What?”

  “Nothing.” He shook his head. “I guess I was thinking about everything. With us.”

  “Such as . . .?”

  “How crazy it is. Everything is so . . . different with you.”

  Like the part where you shouldn’t be with me? “In a good way, I hope?”

  “Yes.” He smiled. “Very. It’s crazy, but it’s very good.”

  “It is kind of crazy, isn’t it?” I said. “It’s hard to believe it hasn’t been that long since some depressed guy got into my car and bought me a bottle of water.”

  Paul gazed out at the sand. “Feels like ages ago.”

  “It does. I guess I kind of understand now what it means when people say it feels like you’ve known someone your whole life.” My heart pounded. I’d stupidly rambled a little too much and gone a little too far, and now he was probably going to—

  “Me too.”

  “Really?” I asked.

  Paul nodded. “I mean, when I think about how people might react if they knew about this, you know the first thing they’re going to ask is how the hell we get around the age gap.”

  Scowling, I looked out at the sand in front of us. “No kidding.”

  “And the thing is, if they do ask, I don’t have an answer.”

  I shifted my gaze back to Paul and arched an eyebrow. “You don’t?”

  “No. I guess . . .” He kept his eyes down for a few steps, then shrugged as he glanced at me. “Answering assumes I’ve given it any thought. And I haven’t. Because with you . . . there’s nothing to think about. I can’t tell you why it works because it just does.”

  “I know what you mean.” I slid my hands into my pockets. “I guess it’s kind of like the way I drive sometimes.”

  “What do you mean?”

  It was getting harder and harder to keep those words tamped down where they belonged, so I was extra careful and deliberate about everything I did say. “No map. No real destination. No idea what’s up ahead. I get in the car and . . .” Go way too fast in a direction I really, really shouldn’t be going. I shrugged. “Just drive.” The words echoed in my mind, and I laughed, shaking my head. Looking out at the water, I muttered, “I didn’t realize how crazy that sounded until I said it.”

  But it’s better than what could have come out, so I guess it’s okay.

  “It doesn’t sound stupid.”

  I turned to him. “It doesn’t?”

  “No.” Paul didn’t look at me. “Everything in my life has always been according to a plan. Even when the Navy throws me a curveball and sends me on a deployment or transfers me to some place I’ve never heard of—”

  “Like Anchor Point?”

  “Mm-hmm. Even then, it’s all been part of the big grand plan to get me up the ranks so I can make admiral before I retire. Be in command of a base now, take command of a ship next, make sure to kiss all the right asses—everything’s always been . . .” He blew out a breath. “Calculated. So maybe this is exactly what I need.”

  “Something that’s improvised?”

  Paul nodded. “Yeah. So there’s no plan and no pressure.”

  “Sounds like something we both needed.”

  A smile spread across his lips, and if we hadn’t been out in public, I’
d have lifted myself up for a quick kiss.

  But that sinking feeling came back. We could talk like this, pretend we really had something between us and that this wasn’t going to end with, We can’t see each other again. All we were doing was making it worse. Every time we gave in and met up, walking away would be infinitely harder. A relationship—sexual, romantic, whatever—wasn’t going to get any less off-limits.

  If I was smart, I never would have broken down and made contact this time.

  If I was smart, I never would have come out here in public with him.

  If I was smart, I would turn around right now, walk back down the beach, get in my car, and leave.

  But I had, and I was here, and I wasn’t leaving, because I was a fucking idiot.

  Paul broke eye contact. His features tightened, and I wondered if he was thinking the same thing. Instead of hoping he’d be the voice of reason, I caught myself regretting not taking that opportunity for a kiss. So we were out in public? We were on a beach. There was no one out here. We were miles from Anchor Point, miles from NAS Adams, and if anyone saw us, they wouldn’t have any reason to give a damn except that we were two men. No one around here had any idea about all the other reasons to get pissed off about us being together.

  I held my breath and slipped my hand into his. Paul didn’t pull away. He separated his fingers, letting mine slide between them, and clasped them together between us.

  Some tension melted out of my shoulders. This was amazing. I would have sold my fucking soul for us to be like this all the time—out in the open, not hiding anything. Not looking over our shoulders in case of homophobes or people from the base. But right now, we had this, and I loved it.

  Then our eyes met.

  My heart went crazy, especially as he took off his aviators and let me see his vivid blue eyes.

  “I know we shouldn’t be here,” he said softly. “But I’m really glad we are.”

  My throat ached with way too many emotions. “Me too.”

  We were both silent. Standing there. Touching. Looking at each other.

  I’m going to put my foot in my mouth if you don’t say something, so for God’s sake, say something.

  He cupped my face, and his expression turned my knees to liquid. Every time he smiled at me like that, I should have remembered that I was the last person he had any business with, but instead, he made me feel like the only person in the world. This time was no exception.

  He took a breath like he was about to speak, but then hesitated and released it. He looked out at the water. For some reason, I was suddenly afraid he was going to take his hand off my face, so I put mine over it and held it there.

  Paul faced me again. There was definitely something on the tip of his tongue. The creases between his eyebrows and the subtle tightness in his lips were unmistakable. My hand was still over his, and he intently watched his thumb tracing the side of mine.

  I swallowed. “Something on your mind?”

  He jumped a little. “I, um . . .” He took in another breath and locked eyes with me. My heart sped up. What was on his mind?

  Tell me we need to walk away.

  Please, say it.

  Because I can’t. And we can’t do this.

  Say it . . .

  “Paul?”

  My tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth.

  “I don’t care how old you are. I don’t care who your father is.” He smoothed my hair. “I . . .” He paused, and when he inhaled, he pushed his shoulders back. Stepping a little closer, he drew me in, and just before our lips met, he whispered, “I love you, Sean.”

  Then he kissed me.

  And everything was . . . still.

  And perfect.

  And how the hell was this real?

  The words were out there. No going back.

  I’d kissed him, partly because I wanted to and partly to keep either of us from speaking right away. I was sure he’d tell me to slow the fuck down and back off.

  But Sean wrapped his arms around me, and I didn’t think his kiss had ever been so tender and needy at the same time.

  After God knew how long, he broke the kiss and touched his forehead to mine. “I love you too.”

  Relief rushed through me. I laughed a little, even though that seemed insane, but he did too, and then one of us moved back in and we were kissing again. His hand was firmly on the back of my neck, his other arm around my waist, and I loved feeling like he didn’t want me to pull away from him. I’d tipped my hand further than I’d meant to, and he was still holding on tight.

  He’d overwhelmed me from day one. First with the mind-blowing sex, and now with this. I’d actually fallen for someone who felt the same? Holy shit. Holy shit!

  I held him tighter, and he leaned into me. My stomach fluttered. This was amazing. This was real.

  It took me four and a half goddamned decades to find you, and you’d better believe you were worth the wait.

  The kiss came to a gentle, perfect end, and Sean looked in my eyes. “Are we insane, thinking something like this could work?”

  I brushed a few strands of blue-black hair out of his face. “Maybe?”

  He grinned cautiously. “Is an ex-fighter pilot really the one I should be asking about insane things?”

  I laughed again, pulling him closer. “Probably not.” I pressed another soft kiss to his lips. “And yeah, maybe we are insane, but I really like this. Everything about what we’re doing.”

  “Especially the part where we’re breaking rules?”

  “Well, that part does have a certain appeal.” We both chuckled, but as I held his gaze, I sobered. So did he. The wind whipped at his hair, and I smoothed it out of his face again. “Circumstances are what they are. Maybe this is insane and reckless. In fact, we both know it is. But every time we’ve tried to pull apart, I keep gravitating back toward you. So, even if it’s crazy, I don’t want to fight it.”

  “Neither do I,” he whispered. “I keep worrying it’ll blow up in our faces, though.”

  “It still could. But I haven’t gotten very far talking myself out of it.”

  He chuckled and drew me into another kiss.

  Back in the motel room, with our clothes on the floor where they belonged, we sank down to the mattress together.

  And slowed . . . right . . . down.

  I lost all track of time. At some point, we’d walked along the beach to get back here, but that felt like hours ago. Days ago. There was no way we’d only been holding each other and kissing for a few minutes. And we could have done it all night for all I cared. As long as he was in my arms even after I’d stupidly blurted out that I loved him, I didn’t care what we did.

  One thing I was sure of—there’d be definitely something involving orgasms. We were both too hard and frantic for this to end any other way. I just didn’t care how we got there. Fucking? Blowjobs? Handjobs? Whatever. One way or another, I’d get him off tonight, and that thought alone nearly got me off.

  I pressed against him, kissing him harder, and he did the same.

  Abruptly, he jerked back, and looked right in my eyes as he panted, “Need a condom. Now.” The fierce hunger in his expression gave me goose bumps.

  I nodded toward the nightstand. “Same place we left them.”

  The corners of his mouth turned up. He kissed me once more, lightly this time, and lunged for the nightstand.

  With the condom and lube in hand, he sat back on his heels, and . . .

  Paused.

  Swallowing hard, he turned the square packet over and over between his fingers. Some of the hunger in his eyes faded in favor of something I couldn’t quite read. Nerves? Here? In bed?

  I touched his thigh. “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing. But I . . .” He closed his hand around the condom and met my gaze. “Maybe we don’t need this tonight.”

  My heart sped up, and I slid my palm over his thigh. “It’s up to you.”

  Sean thumbed the wrapper. “We’ve seen each other’s t
est results. I haven’t touched anyone but you since we met.”

  “Neither have I. I’m happy with whatever makes you comfortable.”

  Sean took a deep breath. Then he tossed the condom back on the nightstand, wrapped his arms around me, and kissed me again.

  “I’ll take that as a yes,” I murmured between kisses.

  “Turn around. I can’t wait.”

  “Neither can I, but just like this. I want to be able to kiss you.”

  Sean exhaled and let his lips graze mine. “Love the way you think.” We both sat up, and he opened the lube bottle. In between playfully kissing, we put some lube on both of us. Then I lay back, spread my legs, and tried like hell not to come unglued from watching him.

  And then . . .

  Oh God.

  The slick, blunt pressure of his dick sliding into me was hot enough. The way Sean closed his eyes and let his head fall back? Whoa. He exhaled and looked down again, and his features tightened with intense concentration as he eased himself deeper. A whispered “Fuck . . .” slipped off his tongue. Or maybe mine. With or without a condom felt more or less the same to me, but the difference for him was written across his face. As he rocked his hips, picking up a smooth, steady rhythm, his eyes lost focus and his lips moved soundlessly.

  I ran a hand up his abs and teased his nipple with my thumbnail, grinning when he sucked in a sharp hiss of breath.

  “F-fuck,” he moaned.

  “You’ve never done this before, have you?” When did I run out of breath?

  Sean clasped my hand against his chest. He swept his tongue across his lips as his eyes flicked up to meet mine. “No. Never.”

  “Like it?”

  He nodded slowly, eyelids drooping. “Yeah. A lot.”

  “Thought you would.” I pulled our clasped hands. He got the message and came down to me, and now . . . holy shit, now it was perfect. I wrapped my arms around him, and didn’t care if I came too soon or not at all.

  Sean dipped his head and started on my neck. Oh, sweet Jesus, yes. I tilted my head so he had more access, and he took full advantage. As he kissed his way up and down the side of my throat, he rocked his hips just enough to take my breath away. He wasn’t thrusting—he was barely moving at all—but it was amazing.