by Adele Huxley
“Alright, let’s go.” She nodded at me again, quietly following me out of the house and back into the truck.
It was nearly midnight by the time I pulled off the highway and onto the secondary road. I’d turned on the radio to drown out the deafening silence between us. It wasn’t uncomfortable but we were both processing everything that had happened. What she’d screamed at the cabin as she was packing ran through my mind like it was on repeat. If I’m lucky, I’ll be able to walk away in one piece. The idea of her even having that thought in her head tore me apart.
It’d been nearly a decade since I’d been to my grandfather’s hunting cabin, but I knew the way on an almost instinctual level. When I pulled the truck onto the dirt road, I started to worry. The snow was coming down pretty heavy, the thick flakes flying toward the headlights hypnotically. I had to slow down to navigate through the accumulation. These dirt roads were some of the last ones to get plowed and it hadn’t even occurred to me that the driveway to the cabin would be untouched.
The anxiety I’d felt in town slowly drained as I put more and more distance between Rick and us. However, it was quickly replaced with another kind of stress. When I’d first thought about coming to the mountains for the season, my mother had suggested staying at the old cabin. Even the thought had nearly triggered a panic attack. Nothing but memories of my father, of skiing, ice fishing, the entire life I’d had that was now cast in shadow. The ghosts of that life still lived at this cabin and here I was, driving straight for it, not sure if I was prepared to face it.
Ten minutes later, I spotted my granddad’s mailbox. Hard to miss a big pink salmon the size of a small dog, even in the middle of a snowstorm. Liz perked up as I slowed down, pointing the high beams at the untouched snow.
“Is this it?” she asked, squinting into the darkness. Only the very edge of the cabin was visible.
“The only problem is, I can’t remember exactly where the driveway is,” I said, studying the slope. Clicking the truck into 4WD, I steadily made my way up, hoping I avoided any deep ditches. A few tense moments later, the headlights skated across the front door, the ground leveling out. Breathing a sigh of relief, I pointed the headlights at the generator on the side. I felt more on edge now than when I was swinging a gun at someone’s head. I concentrated on the tasks at hand, ignoring where I was for the time being.
As I filled the generator with one of the gas canisters, Liz got out of the truck and grabbed her suitcase from the back. “The door is probably unlocked if you wanna test it,” I said glancing up.
“Seriously?”
“There’s nothing inside worth stealing. The closest house is a couple miles in each direction. And my grandfather was a trusting man.”
Liz scowled and then shrugged, testing the doorknob. The door swung open, the creak of it alone unleashing a flood of memories. I kicked myself. I’d been so intent on getting her to a safe place, I didn’t stop to consider what it might do to me. The last time I’d been up here, Dad and I had gone hiking in the woods. He’d just bought that new pack for me and I couldn’t wait to test it out…I pushed the memory away with a shake of my head. I finished pouring the gasoline into the tank and thankfully, the generator quickly stuttered to life.
Stepping past Liz in the doorway, I felt along the wall for the light switch I knew was there. A single overhead light flickered on, bathing the dusty cabin in a pale yellow light. I looked at her, an apology on my lips. What the hell was I thinking taking her up here? We should’ve gone to Denver or something, stayed in a hotel.
“Thank you,” she whispered.
“I…uh…” I stared at her, completely at a loss for words. “I’ll go get the rest of the stuff,” I finally blurted. “Stay here.”
After dragging everything else inside, I quickly assessed what we had, trying to ignore the memories each object held. The tiny stove was electric and seemed to work, unlike the fridge. We’d have to keep the perishable food outside in the snow, which was fine. The toilet worked, but smelled faintly like the septic tank when it was flushed. The water for the shower was heated on a tank up on the roof, gravity providing the water pressure. We’d have to wait till the afternoon if we wanted to use it. I also managed to unearth a single lamp, which was much better than the harsh overhead light.
Liz busied herself by taking the blankets off the sofa and bed, sending clouds of dust into the air. I couldn’t help but watch her out of the corner of my eye. What was she thinking? How was she actually handling all this?
Her lips curled into a small smile. “I’m not going to have a breakdown, if that’s what you’re wondering,” she said without looking at me. “I’m just freezing.” She patted the pillows on the small double bed, covering her face in the crook of her arm to avoid the dust. Dad was probably the last person to sleep on that bed, I thought idly.
Again, pulling myself from the memory, I returned my attention to the furnace. I’d piled the wood just so, inserting a few strips of fat wood to make sure it caught the first time. The rolled newspaper caught and the dark iron furnace glowed with flickering orange light. I knelt in front of it, watching the embers snake along the print, changing color with the flame. I felt like I was being torn in three directions. The ghosts of the past in this place, the dangers of the present threatening us, and perhaps my future, watching me light the fire.
“Holy shit,” I heard Liz shiver. She was curled into a tight ball on the old patterned sofa, rubbing her hands together. The blood on her forehead was dried and dark.
“Let’s get you cleaned up,” I said, rocking to my feet. I grabbed a cushion from the sofa and threw it on the floor in front of the fire. “Come sit here. I’m gonna take a look at your cuts.”
“I’m really fine,” she insisted. The look I gave her was enough to end any further arguments. She rolled her eyes, making out that I was being overbearing. “Alright, have it your way.”
The English language hasn’t developed words to describe how I was feeling. As Bryan sat beside me wiping blood from my hair, all I could think of was what it’d be like to feel his hot skin against mine. I nearly reached out to touch his face, stopping just short. Maybe I was in shock, my addled brain turning to sex as a form of distraction, as if I wanted to be distracted by Bryan. They say your emotions run high during episodes of high stress. If my ex whatever-the-hell-he-was coming back and nearly kidnapping me wasn’t high-stress, I’m not sure what is.
I trained my eyes on the growing flames as Bryan inspected the cut on my head. As a way to take my mind off wanting to jump him right then and there, I started talking. The words poured from my mouth like an open faucet. I guess a part of me wanted to find an explanation, either for myself or for him. With everything he’d done, I owed him that much…
“I lost my mom when I was little. She died of a particularly aggressive form of breast cancer. One of her sisters died from it, and my other aunt is still fighting.” My voice sounded foreign, devoid of emotion.
“God, that’s terrible…” he said, his hand pausing on my head. I closed my eyes as Bryan brushed the hair out of my face, tucking it behind my ear. He dabbed the cut with a wet cloth and I continued.
“Yeah, well, seems the women in my family are predisposed to it. Mom didn’t find out until she was Stage 4. It was already too late,” my voice quivered at the end. He reached out for my hand, which I took but held limply. “Anyway, she died just as I was going through puberty, you know? It was terrible. I started developing these breasts that I knew were all but a death sentence for me. I just remember crying all the time, wanting to rip them off.”
I felt like I was thirteen again, scared, lonely. I tried so hard to not think about her death, even though everything I did, the person I was, sprung from the event. I remembered he’d lost his dad as well, so I knew he could understand. In that regard, I felt connected to him but had to remember we were still essentially strangers.
“When I turned eighteen, I went into the hospital, had them replaced with
ones that were less likely to kill me,” I said grabbing one of my breasts quickly, letting my hand fall back into my lap. Bryan frowned, his eyes filled with concern I could hardly stand to see.
“Aw man, and I was such an asshole the other night.” I felt my face flush. He had been a dick, but I’d severely overreacted. “God, I’m so sorry.”
I shrugged. “I’m still pretty sensitive about it. It’s only been a couple years and it wasn’t your fault, really.”
Bryan took my hands in his, turning the palms upward. In the growing fire, I could see the scrapes, bits of gravel embedded in his skin. I looked up into his green eyes and sighed. “This is gonna hurt, isn’t it?”
He winced at the idea. “I’ll make it quick.” He led me into the bathroom, pulling the coat from my shoulders. I sat on the closed toilet, watching him from the corner of my eye. When I’d gotten back to the house, I’d changed my coat but didn’t think to change my clothes. When I rolled out of the Jeep to get away from Rick, I’d landed on my elbows and forearms, tearing through the thin fabric to my skin. The sleeves of my shirt were torn, stuck to my flesh with dark blood. “Shit Liz, are you sure you’re alright? This is a pretty gnarly road rash.”
I shook my head. Whether the numbness came from the cold or my emotions, it dulled any pain I should’ve been feeling.
He soaked a washcloth in cold water and pressed it to the fabric so it would pull away gently, not tear. I kept talking, staring off into space.
“So yeah, since the surgery was voluntary—actually they called it a ‘prophylactic mastectomy’—we had to pay out of pocket for it.”
“The government didn’t help out? I thought you said your dad was in the Marines?”
I shook my head, kicking my feet out and pointing my toes together. “Not a cent. The procedure went well but then I got an infection, so I ended up staying in the hospital for almost two weeks.” My voice dropped to almost a whisper. I realized with a twist in my gut that it was the first time I’d ever run through the entire story. Framing it made everything so much…clearer. “My dad had to sell the house to even put a dent in the payments. I went back to work as soon as I could, but you don’t save up a whole lot when you’re working at Dairy Queen.” I pressed my lips together and whispered, “It was their house, the one they’d bought together.”
Bryan set the stained cloth down and examined my arms. He sighed and met my eyes. “You’re gonna have to take your shirt off so I can clean these properly.” The embarrassment in his voice made me smile.
“Already trying to get my clothes off, eh?” I said with a wink. Knowing my black sports bra was wide enough to cover the scars under my breasts, I didn’t mind pulling the ruined shirt over my head. He grabbed a blanket from the other room and wrapped it around my naked shoulders, giving my arms a little rub before returning to the floor in front of me. I held my arm out, the skin raw and scraped. Luckily, it didn’t look like there were any deep gashes.
Despite the cold, the touch of his hands made my body tingle with warmth. I pressed my knees together and closed my eyes, trying to ignore the ridiculous arousal happening beyond my control. Instead, I spoke. “Dad insisted I go to school, even though I had no idea what I wanted to study. I picked a college that was close enough to home I could drive back ‘cause I hated the idea of leaving him all alone.
“It was only a few months after the surgery when I met Rick. I was terrified at first. He’s a mean looking guy, you know? But he was nice to me and Kayla vouched for him. We went out a couple times in a group, but he was…intense.
“One night, I got really drunk when we were out and this random guy was all over me. Rick scared him off and…I don’t know. I guess I have a thing for knights in shining armor.” Bryan’s hand paused for a moment but quickly continued, my not-so-subtle message received. “He’d decided he wanted me and that was it. He knew I needed money…”
“And you started working at one of the clubs he owned, right?” It sounded so cliche when he said it. Girl with broken wing gets taken advantage of by big, bad wolf. That’s my life, though. I decided the sooner I admitted it to myself, the sooner I could move past it, maybe with Bryan’s help…assuming I didn’t completely scare him away.
“I started with waitressing in the clubs and moved to dancing in one of the cages. I always wore a bikini or something, never naked, and some nights I earned more money than the girls who took it all off. It was good money, more than enough money, but I wanted more.” I shook my head bitterly. “I saw him hit the girls, I can’t tell you how many times. He was a real asshole to them, but I was blind to it. Kayla loved him, he never raised a hand to me…”
“You were doing the best you could, I get it,” Bryan said trying to comfort me. I appreciated the gesture, but he still didn’t know the whole story.
“It was like I was leading two different lives. My dad thought I was doing well at school, making something of myself. He isn’t real tech-savvy, so I was able to forge my grades and keep him in the dark. To everyone else, everyone other than Kayla really, I was a slacker. I was the girl in the dorm they came to if they wanted to score some weed or coke or Rick’s signature ‘Snowball.’”
“One of Rick’s runners got picked up by the cops once and I filled in. You know, in movies they always make drug deals seem so cagey and serious but it’s not. It’s just like a pizza delivery or something. They call up, I’d run it over. Simple. He gives all his runners a percentage of the sale, says it’s more risk so they deserve a greater reward.” I shook my head. They were all my own memories but it felt like I was talking about someone else. I was describing the things another Liz had done. No. I was describing things Beth had done…
Bryan dried off my arms and applied the bandages. My eyes shot open when he rested his hands on my thighs, the contact felt so intimate. “I know what you’re gonna say, but your knees look pretty bad too.” There was a sparkle in his eye, but his expression remained serious.
“Oh do they now?” I said, my hands dropping from the scratchy blanket around my shoulders to my pants. I quickly undid them, pulling them down in one swift movement. After a cursory inspection, I decided the tears and blood had ruined the jeans, so I balled them up and threw them in the corner with my bloodied shirt. Pulling the blanket tighter, I did my best to ignore the cold air on my skin.
“Actually, they aren’t as bad as I thought…” he mumbled as he started to clean them.
I couldn’t stand the thought of him seeing me as a bad person. I might’ve done bad things, but hell, I wasn’t a bad person! “I know it sounds awful, but you have to try and understand. Between the club and the drugs, I was pulling in thousands every week. Even with so much money coming in, it would’ve taken me years to earn enough to pay my dad back.” I closed my eyes and tilted my head back, blinking the tears away. “The plan was that I’d graduate without any debt, medical or otherwise and have enough money to buy my parent’s house back.”
I rested my chin to my chest, feeling the weight of the entire situation come crashing down around me. My gaze fell to his hands as he smoothed the last bandage over my knee. The image rocked me. Here was I was, patched up, damaged. Hot tears prickled the corners of my eyes and I knew I couldn’t stop the flow. “If Rick is good at anything, it’s knowing exactly what someone wants so he can twist it to his own advantage. He knew I needed the money. I never told him why, I never let him in that closely, but he could sense the desperation,” my voice cracked. “That’s why it didn’t take him too long…to convince me…for me to accept that offer…” I couldn’t continue. Reduced to sobs, I finally faced the darkest thing I’d ever done.
“Hey, whoa there.” Bryan pressed into me, wrapping his arms tightly around my blanketed body. I was aware of being nearly naked but yearned for the comfort. I shifted my knees, wrapping my legs around his body as I opened up my arms. His cold hands slid against my bare skin but I didn’t mind. For several minutes, he held me while I cried, the shadows of my past flying forwa
rd to confront me. Without a word, he slipped his hands under my ass and picked me up, carrying me into the other room. After gently setting me down on the squeaky bed, my tears began to slow.
“We need to get you dressed. Do you care what I pick out? I’m not the best with women’s fashion.” I shook my head, wiping my cheeks with the back of my hand. I watched as he plucked a small tank top, thick sweatshirt, and black tights from my suitcase. He helped me pull the clothes on over the bandages, making sure none of the tape stuck to the fabric. Once I was fully dressed, I stood trembling in his arms. Concern filled his eyes. “Come here, let’s get you warm.”
Bryan threw another log on the fire as I sat down on the cushion. I could tell it was definitely cutting through the cold. He settled behind me so I sat between his legs, wrapping the blanket around our shoulders, his arm slipping around my waist to hold me. Before long, my face was hot from the fire, the rest of me warmed by his body heat. I shifted slightly so I could rest my head on his chest, closing my eyes as I listened to the steady beat of his strong heart.
“I’m sorry.”
“For what? You have nothing to be sorry for,” he said, smoothing my hair.
But I was sorry. For crying. For dragging him into this whole mess. For dumping my whole life story on one of the nicest guys I’d ever met. I looked up, his eyes glittering in the firelight. “I…I just…”
Our mouths slowly drew together, each of us unsure if it were okay to continue. I took a deep breath the moment our lips touched, the contact like an electric current running through my body. His right hand slid up the back of my neck, fingers delving into my hair. His tongue softly parted my lips, slipping between in search of mine. The way my body reacted left me breathless. Every inch of my skin zinged with the lightest contact, swirling together deep in my core until I practically pulsed with desire. What started as a soft kiss quickly built to something so much more. He sucked my lower lip into his mouth, and my tongue danced with his.