The Crush Collision

by Danielle Ellison

  It’s never not going to be weird to have my big brother look up at me.

  “Nanette made brownies,” Jamie says, stretching the plate out to me. She moves around the room, making his bed. She’s one of his caretakers—Nanette and Raymond. They’re here more than I am.

  I don’t want to be a shitty brother, but I can’t handle it here.

  It’s too dark with the cherrywood floors and the cherrywood decor and the leather couches. It’s impersonal, cold, too musky, and too empty. The mantle has been lonely since Mom left, and it’s another ghost in our house. The Howells have white walls in their living room with blue couches with white tables. It’s the total opposite of this place.

  I hate the silence the most. I hate the way Jamie and I try to fill it, as if we can say something loudly enough to fill the words no one is saying. It’s why I hate sleeping in my own bed. It’s weird to wake up to silence. It’s been five months now; you’d think I’d be used to it. I’m not. Jamie was always too loud. His alarm would go off too long and too many times. He’d stumble out of bed. Trip over things on his floor. Curse like a sailor while he woke up. Blare music in the shower. Slam dresser drawers. Mornings were an event, but they were part of the normal routine. This, the echo of nothingness, is abnormal. A reminder that there’s something broken.

  That’s why I hate it here.

  “Earth to Jake.” Jamie waves the brownies in front of my face.

  I shake my head. “I’m good.”

  “They’re delicious.”

  Nanette smiles. “Glad to hear it.” She tosses a pillow at the head of his bed. “I’ve got to run to the pharmacy. You want to come with me, Jamie?”

  My brother’s face darkens. “Nah, I’m good. About to win this level.” Unless it’s to go to the doctor, my brother hasn’t left the house since the accident. His psychologist said we couldn’t force him into things, but we should always ask. Nanette looks disappointed, but she gives in and leaves.

  My phone dings, probably the guys. I ignore it for now.

  “You have practice today?”

  “Nah, we’re off. You know Coach’s rule about the first day of school.” The first day of school is the most important, sets the precedent for the rest of them. I don’t want anyone distracted by football.

  Is Jamie thinking about school? Right now, he’d already be a couple weeks into his first semester of college classes, but here he is. He won’t be going back to school, at least now. He won’t play ball there. He won’t get anything he’s worked hard for. He deserves more than that, than this.

  “Coach follow through on that community service?” Jamie asks.

  “Yeah, I’ve gotta report to a shelter on Saturday morning,” I say. “At seven a.m.”

  Jamie laughs at me. “I can’t even imagine you at seven a.m. on a Saturday.”

  I jerk away his brownies. “For that I’m taking these with me.”

  “Don’t be a douche,” Jamie says.

  “Takes one to know one.”

  “Wheelchair.” He says it with a smile, as if it’s the only excuse he needs to do or say whatever he wants. He’s right. It is. “And when what I’m saying is true, it’s not me being a douchebag. It’s you being unable to face reality.”

  “We’re all pretty good at that in this house,” I say.

  Jamie nods slowly. “Yeah, we are. Give me another one.”

  I hold it out of reach. “No way. You’ll get fat. I’m saving you.”

  He chuckles at me and flips me off.

  I stuff a brownie in my mouth. “I’m gonna shower.”

  “Then some Northlander?” he asks, pointing to his favorite game. I suck at Northlander, but he likes it.

  “Sure,” I say. “Order some dinner?”

  “On it,” he says, pulling out his phone.

  On the way upstairs, I grab a beer from the fridge. I go slowly up the stairs because my legs groan. I’m sore from football practice since Coach has been riding us harder than usual and these two-a-days have been killer. He would never admit how much it matters that we win because he doesn’t have to. We all feel it each time we’re on the field.

  I freeze at the top of the steps. Jamie’s door is open. Nanette or Raymond must have been up here. I hate walking by the room, so I always leave the door closed. The bed he will never sleep in again. The stuff he will never use. The football jersey for UGA that’s still sitting on his desk chair, never going to be worn.

  I shut my eyes tight and then pull the door closed.

  I grab my wallet and stuff it into my back pocket. Easy. But then I have to piss, and when I do, I see myself in the bathroom mirror. Coach wasn’t wrong. I look as exhausted as I feel. I don’t think I’ve had a good night’s sleep in five months. My hair is too long. And no matter what happens, I can’t seem to shake the feeling that I will never be what I was.

  Before – Jake

  Jamie has this way of getting what he wants. He leans over the counter at Lou’s and flashes a smile at the waitress. She’s a senior named Heather, a cheerleader, too, and she likes Jamie. Most people do. I stand back and let him work his magic.

  “You look beautiful today,” he says, “and it ain’t because of that uniform.”

  “You don’t like my uniform, Lexington?”

  He shrugs and leans in. “I’d like it better off.”

  She blushes and slaps her dish towel across his shoulder. I take mental notes because my brother is a king with the ladies. “What can I get for y’all?”

  “Besides you?” Jamie asks, and they both laugh. “Two bacon burgers and chocolate shakes to go,” he says. “We’ve got some kickball in the park.”

  She scribbles on the paper. “I’ll get that right out for you.”

  He winks, and we both sit down at the bar. “You’re something else,” I say.

  “You’ll learn the way,” he says back to me.

  “Oh, Lexington,” Mr. Simmons says, coming up to my brother. Mr. Simmons owns the only car dealership in Culler. He extends a hand to Jamie. “You did some mighty fine work in last night’s game,” he says. Simmons looks to me. “You’re the new Lexington?”

  “Yes, sir,” my brother says. “This is Jake, newest member of the football team. He’s a freshman, but give him some time, he’ll wow you.”

  Mr. Simmons raises an eyebrow. “I believe it. It’s in your blood and all. Good game, boys. I look forward to a thrilling season.”

  “Thank you for being a fan.”

  He tips his hat and looks at me. “When it’s time for you to buy a car, tell your old man to bring you to me. I’ll get you both a good deal for two top football players.”

  “Will do, sir,” I say to Simmons, and then he’s out the door.

  Jamie smiles. “That kinda stuff happens all the time. Just wait. In a couple years, you’ll be the one they all recognize.”

  “Don’t let it go to your head.”

  He waves me off. “It’s fun.”

  A few minutes later, the food is here. Heather and Jamie flirt a little longer while he pays for the food. Then Lou himself comes out to the bar. “Threw in some onion rings for you boys,” he says, “on the house.”

  “Thanks, Lou. You’re the best,” Jamie says.

  “You two stay out of trouble.”

  Outside, I pop an onion ring in my mouth. They’re still warm and delicious. “After kickball, wanna play some video games?”

  “Yes! Dad let me get the new Shooter Ops game.”

  “He did?” I ask. “Dad’s been saying no to me for weeks.”

  “Yeah, I heard him. So after the game last night, he was in a good mood, and I asked him. That’s when you gotta hit him up for stuff,” Jamie says.

  “Or I just need to be you,” I say. We both know Jamie is his favorite.

  My brother shrugs. “Keep working on it. I’ll have you in shape in no time.”

  I shove him, and he laughs, then shoves me back.

  Chapter Six

  Haley

&n
bsp; “Haley, good morning!” Ms. Nichols says. She’s the volunteer coordinator in the children’s wing at the The Wyatt Health & Rehabilitation Center, and she’s like five-two with blue-gray curly hair. All the kids here call her Nana.

  “Good morning,” I say, handing her a bagel. “I stopped at Lou’s for you.”

  She puts a hand on her chest. “Oh dear, you are a sweet thing. You didn’t have to do that. Thank you. I’m sure I will be hungry!” I smile, but I know she won’t eat it. She’ll end up giving it to one of the inpatient kids as a treat.

  This is one of my favorite places in Culler. I know that’s weird, but I started volunteering here freshman year. I’d recently joined the Belles and I was required to volunteer somewhere, like all newbies are. I never stopped.

  “What is going on today?” I ask.

  My main role is working with Ms. Nichols, who is in charge of organizing some events and programs for the kids. Other volunteer groups or people, or us regulars, will come in and do something.

  She pushes her glasses on her pointy nose. “Yes, dearie me, we have some games going on this morning, and they have a tournament on those Xboxes.”

  I grin. “Great.”

  I like being here for the same reason I like the Belles. It’s fun to help out and plan things, but with so many other people around in the Belles, I end up more doing what they say. Here, I get to make a plan of activities and stick to it. I get to help with homework and give them positivity. I love the kids here, doing programs with them and getting to know them. Abby thinks it has to be hard and emotional, like she could never do it (her words), and sometimes it is, but it’s rewarding.

  I grab the room list to see what new patients have joined us. I see one of my favorites on the list, even though I’d never admit I had a favorite, and know I’m going to start there.

  Ms. Nichols calls my name. “Oh, there’s a service volunteer coming in today, Haley, and I’d love if you could show him the ropes. You know how these mandatory volunteers are,” she says.

  “Yes, ma’am. I’ll be in to 4203.”

  She chuckles. “You off to see Miss Gracie?”

  I smile back. “You know it.”

  When I turn the corner to start down the hall, the elevators open, and Jake Lexington steps out. My heart races at the sight of him. Why is he here? My mouth feels dry when I try to speak. He looks around and sighs heavily before he notices me noticing him.

  “Jake?” My voice comes out a little squeakier than I mean for it to.

  “Hey, Other Howell,” he mumbles. He runs a hand through his hair while he stands there, eyes taking it all in. He looks unsure and tired. I actually don’t know if I’ve ever seen him awake and about this early in the morning.

  “Am I in the right place for community service?”

  “This is your community service?” I ask.

  He shrugs. “I got a call this morning to report here instead, so yeah. What are you doing here?”

  “I volunteer. All the time. I’m going to work with you today.”

  Jake looks relieved. “I don’t really know what I’m doing.”

  “We’re hanging out with kids.”

  His relief seems to fade quickly, because he starts frantically looking around the children’s wing. I can’t imagine what it must seem like to him. The walls are painted fun colors with bright pictures. Kids and parents filter in and out of elevators and around corners. Despite how much I like it, it’s still very much a hospital. A rehab center. A boy rolls by us in a wheelchair, talking to another kid walking with an IV.

  “Let me take you to sign in.”

  Jake nods, his eyes still on the boys who passed us. I bite my lip as I walk him down the hallway back toward Ms. Nichols. He’s so quiet that it’s eerie.

  “I found your CS worker,” I say to Ms. Nichols, who turns with a big excited “ooh.” “This is Jake Lexington.”

  “Good morning, ma’am.”

  “Good morning, Jake Lexington. You were a surprise on my list this morning.”

  “No one was more surprised than me, ma’am,” he says.

  She chuckles, like he’s kidding, but he gives me this pleading look.

  “You want some coffee?” I ask him. “I’ll get you some.”

  “Please,” he says to me. I can’t save him, but I can get him coffee.

  I leave him and Ms. Nichols to do their business for a few minutes. I also need to take a minute for myself to breathe because I’m going to be working side-by-side with Jake all day today. I hope he’s going to be able to handle this.

  I hope I’m going to be able to handle this.

  A few seconds later, he’s beside me, and I hand him the cup of coffee. He eyes it before he reaches for it and takes a slow sip.

  “Perfect.”

  “I know,” I say, and he looks at me for so long that it makes my legs start to feel wobbly. No time for that. “Okay, let’s go.”

  “Lead the way.”

  I guide him through one of the art common areas and toward the hallway. The common area has six kids sitting around doing some painting. He looks between them as a couple of them yell.

  “I don’t really do kids.”

  I laugh. “You sure? I think you’ll enjoy it. You’re definitely on their level.”

  “Hey now,” he says, following me through the hallway. “But for real, what do I do?”

  “Do you know what they do here?”

  He gulps slowly. “I know it’s a rehab center. Jamie comes here. Not this floor.”

  Right, of course he would. This is the only rehab center in Culler or the surrounding towns. “He’s outpatient. He probably comes for therapy, but this floor is for inpatient youth. Kids who have to stay overnight in the hospital for treatments or even some who are here on constant care.”

  Jake is paler than usual, like he’s seen a ghost.

  “You okay?” I ask him.

  He nods. “It’s a lot to take in.”

  “This will cheer you up,” I say to him as I open the door to room 4203.

  As soon as I do, all I see is Gracie’s face smiling at me. “Miss Haley!”

  “Hello, sweet girl,” I say to her. She rushes up to give me a hug and stares up at me with brown eyes. It melts my heart.

  “I lost a tooth,” she says, smiling a crooked smile at me.

  “Oh my goodness, you’re so grown up now. You better go get a job.”

  She laughs and laughs, like I’m the funniest person in the world. “Do you like my scarf?” Gracie points to her head, where a rainbow sparkled scarf covers only a small amount of hair. Over the scarf she wears a tiara. She’s only six, but she has a lot of personality.

  “It’s exactly what I think of when I think of you.”

  She smiles again, and then she looks over my shoulder, finally noticing Jake. She holds out a hand to him. “I’m Princess Gracie Ann Lewis. Who are you?”

  Jake steps forward, kneels, and takes her hand. “I’m Jake Lexington, milady.”

  She giggles at his gestures. It sure does something to my heart, too. “You’re cute.”

  “Not as cute as you,” he says. For a moment, it’s that familiar Jake from before the accident.

  Gracie looks up at me, and she has that familiar look in her eye that girls get around Jake. “You may stand, sir,” she plays along, and Jake rises.

  “Where’s your mom?” I ask.

  “She’s out getting snacks.”

  “Tell her that I will come by later and see y’all before I go home.”

  “I’m here all week!” she yells and tosses herself back onto the bed. Then she sits up quickly. “Will you be back again?” she asks Jake.

  “I will do my best,” he says.

  Gracie laughs and looks at me. “I like him!” Me, too, I think. Me, too.

  “Bye, Lady Grace,” I tease as Jake and I leave.

  Outside her room, Jake gives me this look. “You’re good with her.”

  “Oh, well, she’s secretly my favor
ite.”

  “I can see why.”

  “She’s been here as long as I have. There are some kids like that who you build relationships with, and others who come and go.”

  Jake follows behind me, and I point out the major areas in the kids ward. There’s an art center, a couple of them actually, a music room, a theater, a pool area, and a gym. There are also the usual hospital things like X-ray machines and doctors’ offices. They do all sorts of therapy classes and rehab. Some kids also stay in the rooms on this floor if they’re post-op.

  “So, what do I do all day when I’m volunteering?”

  “You can sit in on therapy classes, do art, play games with the kids, or spend time with them. We do a lot of programs for them to keep them entertained. You can create one of your own.”

  He laughs. “I doubt that.”

  “I don’t know. You seem to have won over Gracie already.”

  We stop walking and stand in the rec room. There’s a wall of TVs and game consoles on one side. Tons of kids playing in the tournament going on right now. Jake looks a little shell-shocked by all of it.

  “Start here today; sit and hang out with them.”

  I point toward one of the consoles. There’s one kid sitting alone, while the rest are playing the tournament. “Go sit next to him and play a game together.”

  “That’s it?”

  I nod. “For now.”

  “What if he wants to talk to me or something?”

  “Jacob.”

  He lifts his hands in the air. “Fine. Fine.”

  I stand behind him, far enough away but close enough to hear him ask Seth if he likes Halo. Seth shrugs. “I like whatever.”

  “Cool, me, too,” Jake says.

  He’ll be fine.

  Before – Haley

  I’m sitting under this tree outside my house, sketching the way the sun bounces off the leaves on the trees. Jake pulls up in his truck, and our eyes meet across the yard. He usually comes for Chris, so I wave and look back at my sketchbook. Then, he’s blocking my sun, so I look up at him.