A Holland and a Fighter

by Lori L. Otto

  “Got it,” they say together.

  “Jon, the guys feel awful,” Nolan says.

  “I’ve seen them,” is all I say about it, still coming to terms with the situation. “I love you both.” I hug my daughters for a long time, not wanting to let them go. “We’ll go home soon. I promise,” I whisper in their ears.

  I get a kiss on each cheek before I release them. My soul’s been lifted, if only for a few minutes.

  That time with my girls was exactly what I needed.

  When I get back to the NICU, one of the pediatricians meets me at the glass window. I’ve talked to her numerous times about Luca; every time she examines him, she has good news for me. I smile at the sight of her.

  “Dr. Mayer, did I miss a checkup?”

  “You did, but he’s doing just fine. Thriving, even. We’re about to remove the CPAP and go to the smaller nasal cannula that we talked about.”

  “Really?” Less machinery is great news.

  “His breathing has improved so much. And tomorrow, we’re going to try some formula… just a little. We’ll keep the feeding tube in, but we need to start teaching him to eat on his own.”

  I nod, apprehensive. “Formula. Yeah.”

  “Jon, ignore any negative things you’ve heard about breast milk versus formula, okay? Don’t consider Luca at a disadvantage because of this. He’s off to a great start, and so much nourishment and development comes from the love you give him. He’s got an abundance of that already. Like I said, he’s thriving. Your involvement helps him along. Okay?”

  “Okay.” I smile, feeling a little better.

  “I have more good news.”

  “Hit me.”

  “We got you a private room down the hall. A maternity suite. Well–paternity, for you.”

  “I don’t want to take a room from a new mother.”

  “Jon, we have extras, and I insist. You need rest. Maybe your experience isn’t like that of a new mom, but you’ve been through a lot the last few days, and you’ve been going non-stop. A warm shower and a comfortable bed will do wonders for you. They’ve even put some brand-new New York Central scrubs on the bed for you… clean clothes.”

  “That’ll be nice. After my cuddle time with Luca–”

  “Nope,” she says, stopping my forward progress toward the door. “Now. We’ll bring Luca to your room in half an hour. Can I show you the way?”

  “I smell that bad, huh?”

  “Ripe,” she says kindly.

  “I couldn’t find my brother’s deodorant at his place,” I explain. “That was two days ago.”

  “I’ll have someone pop down to the sundry and get you some. It will be on the dresser when you get out of the shower.”

  My cheeks burn hot as I follow her. “Thanks.”

  “We know you’ve had a million other things going on. And we’re doctors. Please think nothing of it.”

  “Well, I would, but you literally won’t let me see my son again unless I shower,” I say with a chuckle.

  “We all think you’ll feel more refreshed. We deal with new mothers all the time. We know what works. Can’t be so different with the dads, right?”

  “You’re the expert.”

  She walks into a room and holds the door for me. “Once Luca’s in here, a nurse will check in hourly.”

  “Will he still be in the incubator?”

  “Yes, but you’ll have your skin time with him, just like in the NICU. The nurse will get everything set up with you. And there’s a button on the bed that will call someone if you need assistance. There are cold drinks in the mini-fridge, too. If you want a coffee maker, I can make that happen.”

  “This is pretty nice. It’s like a hotel.”

  “That’s the idea.”

  I glance around. “When do I wear out my welcome?”

  Her expression is warm. “Your daughters need you, too.” She puts her hand on my forearm. “A few days. I think you’ll know when it’s time to go home.”

  “Yeah. You’re probably right. Thanks for this.”

  All the bath products were selected with women in mind. While I’m showering, I can’t help but think how much Livvy would have appreciated the lavender and tea scented soap I use to clean myself. It was her favorite aroma to use when she needed to relax. Being in the enclosed space with the scent of her concentrated around me summons tears to fall alongside the cleansing hot water from the faucet.

  How can she not be right here, fresh from a bath? The fragrance is so familiar, I practically feel her presence as I look upon myself in the mirror, the bright lights bringing focus to the dark circles under my eyes. Is it exhaustion or sadness?

  Both, I’m sure.

  I hardly recognize my reflection, though. The facial hair. The puffy eyes. The red nose. The corners of my lips that are weighted to the ground. I can’t even force a smile, my heart shattered, my body tired and my mind wondering how time can still tick on as if nothing has happened; as if she isn’t gone, or that she never even existed at all.

  “Where are you?” I ask quietly, but aloud, hoping in vain for some supernatural response from the only woman I ever loved. After a minute or two of silence, and no signs, I decide to put on the scrubs that were left for me and go back into the main room, making sure I apply the deodorant that’s sitting on the counter.

  Settling onto the bed, I turn on the TV as I wait for Luca, hoping for a suitable distraction from reality.

  When I wake up, someone is in the room talking softly to my son, and it’s dark, except for the light coming from the TV. I sit up quickly, trying to get my bearings and startling Katie with my sudden movements.

  “What time is it?” I ask, wiping sleep away from my eyes.

  “Fifteen until midnight,” she answers. “You’ve been out for hours. I left the television on in case it was helping you sleep.”

  “I didn’t…” I say, looking around, “I didn’t mean to fall asleep. I was just waiting for him to come to the room.”

  “He’s been in here since five. Right by your side. I’ve been checking on him hourly. He’s doing great with the cannula.”

  “Can I hold him?”

  “If you’re up for it.”

  “Definitely,” I assure her.

  She comes over to the bed and presses a button, moving it to a seated position. “Want some more pillows? We can make it like an armchair.”

  “Uh, sure.” I start to get up to help her, but she puts her hand up to stop me.

  “Daddy can stay put. They told me to go easy on you.”

  I chuckle lightly. “Well, thank you. I’m a little thirsty, though.”

  “Water? Soda? Coffee?”

  “Water’s good.”

  She builds a fort around me with pillows, then brings me two bottles of water before carefully lifting my son out of his incubator. She holds him in her arms, facing me.

  “Shirt off,” she directs me.

  “Right.” I strip out of the scrub top and reach for Luca, feeling the chill of the room on my own bare skin and knowing he must be cold, too. Katie untucks a blanket from beneath my feet and pulls it up to my torso. “Thank you.”

  “I just changed him. I’ll stop by in an hour, but he’ll probably be fine like this for a couple, if you’re good.”

  “I’m great,” I tell her. “Don’t you worry about us.” I look at Luca’s blue eyes, already blinking closed, and kiss the top of his head, cradling him into my chest.

  Once the nurse leaves, I speak to him quietly, wanting him to know my voice and feel comforted by the sound of it. I talk to him about having ice cream with his sisters and I tell him his mother’s favorite dessert. “She loved lemon cupcakes. Aunt Kelly makes the best ones. Any special occasion, man… she had to have her lemon cupcakes. And sometimes, the special occasion was simply having the cupcake.” I smile when I remember her smile. “She was so funny, Luca. And fun.” I feel heartsick at the realization that so many of our family’s happiest moments were due to something sh
e said or did; when I think that Luca won’t get to experience these things. Will there even be any happy moments anymore?

  What do I even bring to the table?

  I have to search the depths of my memory, past all the thoughts of her, and go back to times with my brothers. We had a rough childhood, but I still managed to be the source of fun with Will and Max when we were younger. I’m sure I still do plenty of things that make people happy, but every time I try to remember anything more recent, I stumble upon another thought of Liv… one that makes me stop… one that gives me pause… one that brings me immense sadness in the middle of the night.

  Chapter 25

  In the morning, after I’ve had my cuddle time with Luca, I continue to watch him with wonder as he sleeps in his incubator. I’m still tired, but the feel of the occasional wiggle of his tiny toes and fingers keeps me alert. I watch the clock, dreading the approaching hours and putting off leaving for as long as I can.

  “Knock knock.”

  I turn around to see Will in the doorway with a backpack and a half-a-dozen helium balloons, announcing It’s a boy!

  “What are you doing here?” I ask him, not at all upset to see a friendly face.

  “I,” he says, tying the balloons to the end of the bed, “am relieving you.”

  “What?”

  He sits down next to me on the bed and puts his arm around me. “I’m taking over for a bit. It’s time, Jon.”

  “It’s still early.”

  “No,” he argues. “You only have two hours. Your suit’s at my place. Shea’s there with a hot meal and a new razor.” He pats my cheek with his hand. “Go get cleaned up.”

  “I still have time. I’m not shaving.”

  “You are,” he says. “Why? Because you love Livvy and she hates wooly Jon. Do this for her.”

  I swallow. “Hated.”

  My brother sighs and sets down his backpack. “Yeah,” he says softly.

  “I don’t want to leave him. Just look at him.”

  “Is he gaining weight?”

  I shake my head. “But it’s normal. Or so they say. Tonight, I get to try and feed him. Formula.”

  “That’s great, Jon.”

  “It’d be better if she were here.”

  “Hey,” he says, serious, “he’s going to get everything he needs–from you.”

  “I know. I know he’ll be dependent on me in ways the girls never were, too.” I sigh and start tugging at my hair. “I don’t want him to wake up and… I don’t know, like… miss me, you know?”

  “He won’t,” Will assures me. “It’s why I’m here.” He pulls on my arm, bringing my hand out of the incubator. Palm to palm, he compares the nuances of our fingers. Our hands are the same size–his fingertips are just more calloused from his guitar playing. “At this point, he’ll never know the difference.”

  “But he’ll have skin-to-skin time in a few hours.”

  “So, I have a little more hair on my chest. It’s soft–wanna feel?” He grabs my wrist, holding my hand in front of his left peck.

  “No,” I say, laughing. “I don’t.”

  “I’ll take care of him.”

  “So, wait. You’re not going to the funeral?”

  “I’ll be there in spirit.” I see his eyes tear up before he looks away from me. “I just can’t fucking see her like that. I want to remember her like I knew her–full of life and love.”

  “Don’t we all?”

  “Yeah. But I have a good excuse to not go, anyway. You need someone to stay with Luca.”

  “Are you… sure? I mean, Willow would want you there.”

  He stands up and paces beside the bed. “I know. I’ve thought about it… but I can’t. I wrote something, though. Damon, Peron and Bradley will be performing–just acoustic. It’ll be…” He scratches his head and clears his throat. “I hope it honors her well.” His voice is still affected by his tears.

  “Come here,” I say, standing up and giving him a hug. He cries on my shoulder. I know how much he admired Livvy. “I’m sure it will. And I know she’d love it and understand your absence. I’ll tell Willow I asked you to stay with Luca. Maybe we can all meet up tonight.”

  “That sounds good,” he says.

  “Shea’s going to stick with me today?”

  “Absolutely, and I need you to stay close to her. She’ll help with the girls, if needed, but right now, she’s there to help you get ready. She also expects me to know how to change a diaper by the time I leave here.”

  “The nurses normally do it, but I’m sure they’ll make an exception. Let me get one in here so they know what’s going on.” I push the button, and Katie appears a few seconds later. “Do you know my brother, Will?”

  “Not personally,” she says, blushing, “but I love your work.”

  “My research?” he asks, knowing that’s not what she’s referring to. She looks confused. “My music. Got it,” he says with a flirtatious smile. Being married to Shea didn’t remove his ability to charm women; fortunately, he was more devoted to his wife than nearly any man I knew, and she had full trust in him and their relationship. She was the match I’d always wanted for my brother. “Thanks.”

  “Katie,” she says, her hand reaching out.

  “Will. Nice to meet you.”

  “Katie, Will’s going to be staying with Luca while I’m at the… service.” She gives me an empathetic frown but nods her head in understanding.

  “Oh! I need to get him an ID bracelet. I’ll do that. Are you leaving now, Jon?”

  “I guess so… yeah.” I look back down at my son, who’s still sound asleep. “Katie, do you have any scissors?”

  “I could get some.”

  “I want a lock of his hair… for her.”

  “Ohhh,” she exhales, putting her hand over her heart. “I’ll be right back.”

  After she exits, Will gives me another hug. “I love you,” he tells me.

  “You, too.”

  “I’m gonna do everything I can to help you out, man. You were always there for me, teaching me shit growing up… it’s time for me to step up.”

  “Shut up,” I tell him. “You’ve made me so proud and paid me back tenfold in seeing this remarkable man who’s standing in front of me today. You owe me nothing.”

  “But… I want to be there for you and your kids. Shea does, too. I mean it, whatever you need. She’s already been making you a bunch of food. Stuff you can freeze and unfreeze or whatever. You should be set for a month–and then she’ll have the restaurant make more.”

  “That’s helpful, for when I go back… there.” I look him in the eyes. “How the fuck can I go back there?” I whisper. “I built our dream home. Her dream home.”

  “And your girls love it,” he reminds me. “It’s still your home. We just start making new memories to add to the old ones.”

  “But her studio… on the third floor.”

  “And yours,” he adds. “You have a corner. Shea and I went up there the other day. Everything is just as you both left it.”

  “You went up there?”

  He nods his head. “Shea took me up there to, uh… tell me the news away from Edie and Wils. Safe to say I won’t be going back up anytime soon. But… I don’t know, someday, you can make it into something for the kids. It’s not something you need to worry about now, though.”

  I bite the inside of my cheek in thought but am interrupted when Katie comes back into the room. “I should probably do it,” she says, showing me the blunt-tipped scissors.

  “Maybe from around the nape of his neck, where it’s longer,” I suggest, watching over her.

  “This much?” she says, pulling together a small tuft.

  I see Livvy in the curve of Luca’s lashes. A subtle detail that confuses my heart.

  “Jon?” the nurse asks.

  “Oh, yes. That’s fine.” She hands me the soft, ultra-fine, dark strands of his hair and a plastic bag. “Thank you.”

  “One more thing,” Will says
, grabbing his backpack. “Can you hold him?” He looks at Katie for her permission. “Can he hold him? Just for a second?” He pulls out an instant camera–one that Matty got Willow for her birthday, in fact.

  I can’t contain my emotions as the nurse readies my son for our first official picture together, and it’s not one we’ll keep, either.

  “Try to smile for her,” my brother says. “Remember how much you love her. Think about how much you love Luca.”

  “Yeah,” I say, smiling through the tears as he takes two photos of us.

  He hands me the undeveloped film. “One for Liv–this can go with the picture Shea’s set aside of you and the girls from Father’s Day. And one for the baby book.”

  “We don’t even have one yet,” I say, carefully handing Luca back to the nurse.

  “Yes, you do. Shea bought it for her–it was one of her shower gifts. Liv had told her exactly which one she wanted. She’s been filling shit in already. So, give one picture to Shea. Okay?”

  “Will do.” I hug him once more. “Katie, show him how to wash up and stuff, will ya?”

  “Of course.”

  “And he wants to change all the diapers.”

  “I don’t–”

  “He’ll be a new dad in a few weeks. So please,” I insist, interrupting Will’s trepidation.

  “Happily,” she says to him. “And I think he needs one now.”

  “Great,” my brother says. “Jon?” He stops me as I walk toward the door. “I’ll treat him like he’s my own. Please don’t worry about a thing.”

  “I won’t,” I tell him. “I truly appreciate you doing this.”

  Chapter 26

  After the service, family and friends share memories of Livvy in the pews behind me while I stand next to her casket, holding one of many roses placed on top of it in my hand. After I leave here… I don’t want to think about that. We’ll have ashes of her, and although that’s what we had both agreed upon, it seems so final and morbid in reality, rather than theory.

  I look at the picture of her, beautifully displayed on a simple easel three feet away. I just want to hold you again. Just one more time. One tear turns into many. Fuck that. Not one more time, Liv. I want our lifetime back.