The Handbook

by H. P. Mallory

  She shrugged as she dropped her attention to her hands which were clasped in her lap. “For giving Beau another chance, I guess.”

  “No, I don’t think badly of you,” I answered. “But I want to kill him.” And that was the truth. In fact, the more I thought about his hands on her, the more I made up my mind to pay him a visit. He needed to learn a lesson the hard way—that when a woman, and especially Nikki, tells you to stop, you stop. “And you shouldn’t think badly of yourself either, by the way,” I added as I eyed her pointedly. “None of this was your fault.”

  “I just,” she started as she sighed and shook her head. “I just feel like I brought this on myself.”

  “No, you didn’t,” I insisted. “No means no, Nik. It doesn’t matter if you guys dated in the past or had sex or what. No means no.”

  She didn’t respond as I pulled up to my house and parked just out front. “Don’t even think about opening your own door,” I said as I unbuckled myself and jumped down to the pavement, slamming my door shut as I hurried to open hers. Once I did, I noticed she’d taken her shoes off and was now holding them in one hand, her purse in the other.

  “Come here,” I said as I held my arms out and motioned for her to loop her arms around my neck.

  “You’re going to carry me?” she asked with a little, surprised laugh.

  “Yeah, you don’t have any shoes on and I wouldn’t want you to stub your toe on the uneven sidewalk,” I answered, even though the truth was more along the lines that I just wanted to feel her in my arms again.

  She didn’t respond, other than to wrap her arms around me, and then I lifted her up, kicking the door closed before I turned around and carried her up the cement stairs and down the walkway to my front door. I hadn’t bothered to lock the door when I’d left because I’d been in such a hurry to get to her. I turned the knob, kicking the door open with my foot before I carried her over the threshold. And, yes, the irony there wasn’t lost on me.

  “So this is my place,” I said as I set her down on her feet and watched her take stock of her surroundings.

  “I like it,” she said as she nodded and then smiled at me. “It’s very masculine, just like I figured it would be.” With the dark leather sofas and the equally dark wood table, coffee table and side tables, she had a point.

  “The guest room is down that hall, next to the bathroom,” I said as I pointed it out. “Do you want something to sleep in?”

  She nodded. “Can I borrow a T-shirt?”

  “Sure,” I answered while I watched her start for the hallway. I couldn’t help but notice that she’d certainly dressed up for Beau. She was wearing a short and flowy black skirt with a rose-colored halter top. The resulting wave of jealousy that crested over me caused me to gnash my teeth. I didn’t like feeling like this one bit. It was new and it was foreign and it sucked. As soon as I pictured his hands all over her, I felt my jaw go tight.

  The hallway suddenly lit up when she turned the light in the bathroom on. “Oh my God,” she said in what sounded like mortification. “My makeup!”

  I couldn’t help laughing. “Well, luckily for you, it all washes off,” I said as I started for my bedroom. I pulled open the bottom drawer of my dresser and reached for a blue T-shirt. Then I carried it into the living room and headed for the hallway. “Are you decent?” I asked before I reached the bathroom.

  “Yes,” she answered as she poked her head out of the door and smiled at me. She’d washed her face and pulled her hair back into a high ponytail. I handed her the T-shirt with a quick smile.

  “You know, you don’t need to wear makeup,” I said as I looked at her. “You’re beautiful enough that you don’t need it.”

  “Well, you’re nice to say that,” she started as she shook her head. “But we will have to agree to disagree.”

  “I mean it,” I insisted with a shrug.

  “Well, thanks,” she said as she motioned to the shirt in her hand and pulled her head back into the bathroom as she closed the door behind her.

  “Let me know if you need anything else, Nik,” I called out as I headed for my bedroom again. “I’m just down the hall.”

  “I will, and thank you!”

  I walked into my bedroom and took off my T-shirt and pants, draping them over the chair back. Ordinarily I slept in the buff, but I left my boxers on just in case Nikki needed anything. Then I faced my oversized, king bed and, pulling the grey and white striped duvet cover back, I was about to hop in when I heard a tentative knock on the door behind me. I turned around and found Nikki standing there, wearing my blue T-shirt, which did little to hide the swells of her nipples or her long legs. It hit her at the tops of her thighs. She was nothing short of exquisite, and I felt myself swallow hard.

  “Hi,” she said.

  “Hi,” I answered, sounding confused and frustrated all at the same time. In fact, I couldn’t continue looking at her because it was doing something to me. Looking at her made me feel depressed, disheartened, and disappointed. I didn’t like it. “Did you need something?”

  She dropped her eyes and took a deep breath, looking flustered. “No,” she said. Then she glanced back up at me and I could see her cheeks coloring. “I wanted to ask you if I could … could I sleep next to you, in here?” she finally blurted the words out as if she were completely embarrassed to do so.

  “Oh,” I started as I wondered if that was a good idea. Seconds later, I realized it wasn’t. In fact, it was the worst idea she’d ever come up with. I didn’t know how I could possibly have her in bed with me and not try to have sex with her. Fuck, why did this have to be so hard?

  “I just, um,” she started. “I know this sounds dumb, but I just wanted to, uh … to feel your arms around me,” she finished and then immediately added. “But it’s totally not a big deal if that’s too weird since we are just friends. I’m fine sleeping in the guest room, really I am.” She took a breath and then started talking again, manically. “And I don’t want you to think I’m asking too much because maybe I am. And I’m sorry if I’m coming off that way because I don’t intend to. And I really really appreciate your hospitality in letting me stay here so I’m sorry if I …”

  “Stop,” I said as I held up a hand and she immediately choked on whatever had been about to come out of her mouth. “Fuck, just listening to you is making me nervous.”

  “Oh, I’m sorry,” she said as she dropped her attention to her fidgeting hands and smiled in an embarrassed sort of way.

  “And if you say you’re sorry one more time, I’m going to pick you up and deposit you outside where you can sleep with the woodland creatures for the rest of the night.”

  She glanced up at me then and smiled as a laugh escaped her mouth. “I won’t say I’m sorry.”

  “Good, because I can’t fucking take it,” I answered as I shook my head. “First things first, you’ve got to stop acting like a virgin on prom night,” I started as she laughed more loudly. “And second, yes, you can sleep next to me, silly,” I finished, secretly loving and hating the idea that I was going to feel her body next to mine all night, that I was going to smell her and listen to her breathe.

  “Thank you,” she whispered.

  “Don’t thank me yet,” I started as I crossed my arms against my chest.

  “Why?”

  “Because I have to warn you that even though we are friends, it’s not going to be easy for me to have you half naked in my bed all night. So if you roll over and you feel something sticking you in the thigh or the ass, that’s just what happens, so don’t be offended.”

  She laughed again. “I won’t be offended, Derek.”

  “Good,” I continued with a quick nod as I backed up and held my arm out, signaling that she was okay to proceed to my bed. She started for the bed and I held the duvet out as I watched her climb into the king-size bed which dwarfed her. She was careful to keep my T-shirt pulled down so I wouldn’t get a glimpse of anything I shouldn’t.

  “Comfy?” I asked on
ce she was under the covers. She just nodded with a wide grin as I chuckled and walked around the bed, pulling the duvet out from the other side. I never slept on this side of the bed because I had a bad shoulder and it could be painful to sleep on my left side. I didn’t say anything to Nikki, though. Instead, I climbed in next to her and pulled the duvet back over us both as she scooted up next to me and put her head on my bare chest. I wrapped my arm around her and ran my fingers up and down the smooth skin of her back, feeling little goose bumps crop up immediately.

  “Nik?” I started.

  “Yeah?” she whispered, her voice heavy with exhaustion.

  “Don’t ever let any man talk to you like that again, okay?” I asked as I continued to stroke her and she nodded against my chest. “You are a prize and any man would be lucky to have you,” I continued, thinking it was important that she hear and understand me. “And none of what that stupid fucker said is true,” I continued. “You were and you are worth it.”

  “Thank you, Derek,” she whispered, her breath tickling my stomach. I pulled her into me even closer and then leaned down, giving her a kiss on top of her head.

  “Good night, beautiful.”

  “Good night, Derek.”

  THIRTY-TWO

  NIKKI

  “I think I might have freaked him out,” I said to Dani as I sighed and shook my head. We were taking a run through a neighboring residential area, and I was lagging behind her. The truth was I had no energy because I hadn’t been able to eat much the last two days, my friendship with Derek weighing too much on my mind.

  “Why do you think that?” Dani asked. “I don’t think it’s possible for you to freak Derek out. You guys are just too close for that.”

  “I haven’t heard from him in two days,” I answered with a shrug as I shook my head. “And that’s not like him at all. He texts me or calls me or sometimes both every single day.”

  “Well, he’ll have to see you in class tomorrow, right?” Dani asked as I slowed down so I could catch my breath. I leaned against a pine tree and stretched my calf muscles because they felt like they were cramping up.

  “Yeah, there’s always that, I guess,” I grumbled as I thought about our Shakespeare class tomorrow at nine a.m. This would be the first class in which I would be Derek’s T.A. and I was nervous. Mainly because I wasn’t sure where I stood with him, and the last thing I wanted was to sit in awkward silence for an hour.

  “And nothing happened when you spent the night at his place?” Dani asked me again, for the seventh time or something.

  “Nothing happened!” I insisted as I stretched my arms above my head. “We just cuddled all night.” I took a deep breath as soon as I remembered that night. It had started off so terribly but ended better than I could ever have imagined. Or not, judging from the fact that Derek had gone MIA for the last two days.

  “I don’t know how you controlled yourself,” Dani said.

  I shrugged. “I mean, of course I wanted to have sex with him! God, as soon as I saw him wearing only his boxers, I thought I was going to die. He was beyond hot, but somehow, and I’m not sure how, I controlled myself.” I took a breath. “Derek and I just can’t go there. You know that.”

  “Hmm,” Dani said as she wrapped a stray piece of hair around her index finger like she did when she was in deep thought.

  “Hmm, what?”

  “Just trying to figure out what’s going on between you two.”

  “I think I made him uncomfortable,” I said again as I remembered the particulars. “He seemed a little awkward in the morning, or maybe I was a little awkward.”

  “Well, that could have been because of his raging morning wood!” Dani said with a laugh.

  Yes, I’d awoken in the morning to feeling Derek’s erection where it was pressed into my side. He, meanwhile, had been sound asleep, but as soon as I woke up, he did too, and then I was more than sure he figured out what had woken me up. And the thing had been so huge, I’d wanted to pull his boxers down just so I could see how enormous it really was.

  “So, anyway, how’s Luke?” I asked, not wanting to focus on the situation with Derek because it made me antsy and worried.

  “Really good,” Dani answered with a shrug as we turned around and started walking back toward the ZTS house. “I mean, we’re basically friends because I’m taking things crazy super slow, but I’m happy with how it’s going.”

  “That’s great,” I said and meant it. I liked Luke, and from what Derek had told me about him, he was actually a good guy, albeit a little shy. But shy was good for Dani. Shy would balance out her wild.

  When we reached the ZTS house, I was shocked to find Derek’s Bronco parked out front.

  “Um,” I started as I faced Dani in surprise.

  “Guess you’re going to see him before tomorrow morning after all,” she answered with a big smile as she patted me on the back and started jogging toward the house. I, meanwhile, continued up the street until I reached the Bronco, and then I knocked on the window. Seeing me, Derek immediately reached over and unlocked the door, pushing it open.

  “Hi,” I said as soon as he did so. “Wasn’t expecting to see you here.”

  “Hey,” he answered hurriedly. “Can we talk?”

  “Sure,” I said as I hopped into the passenger seat and closed the door behind me. Then I turned to face him. “I haven’t heard from you in a couple of days. Is everything okay?”

  “Yes,” he answered and then shook his head, all the while doing his best not to look at me. “And no.”

  “What’s going on?”

  He brought his attention to the scenery in front of him and exhaled as he shook his head.

  “Derek?” I asked, while my heart flip-flopped in my chest. Whatever it was, it couldn’t have been good. Otherwise he wouldn’t have been taking so long to talk to me.

  He turned to face me but then seemed to think better of it and faced forward again. “I got fired.”

  “You got what?” I asked, shocked.

  “Fired.”

  “From Hamilton?” I asked, just to make sure he didn’t have a second job as a pizza delivery guy or something.

  “Yep, I was fired from Hamilton,” he answered and didn’t seem especially upset about said firing.

  “So tomorrow,” I started.

  “Tomorrow I won’t be teaching class, or any other class at Hamilton from here on out.” He inhaled and then smiled at me. “No classes for the rest of the summer and no classes in the fall or the spring or …”

  “I get it,” I interrupted him as I shook my head, still trying to grasp what he was saying. “What happened? How did you get fired?”

  “So this was the part that I really didn’t want to tell you,” he started with a hesitant laugh. Then he stretched his head backwards and made a grunting sort of noise that hinted at the troubled thoughts that must have been racing through his head.

  “But you’re going to tell me anyway,” I prodded as I reached over and put my hand on top of his where it rested on his thigh. He glanced down at my hand but made no motion to move it.

  “I don’t want you to think that any of this is your fault,” he started as he turned to face me with determination. But then he seemed to lose his nerve again because he stared straight ahead. “Because it isn’t.”

  “Okay …”

  But he didn’t say anything. He just sat there, facing forward, like maybe he thought the windshield was going to develop lips and start speaking for him.

  “Derek?” I asked.

  “Right,” he said as he cleared his throat and then took another big breath. “So … I … well, ahem,” he cleared his throat again.

  “Spit it out.”

  “I went to pay a visit to Beau a couple of days ago,” he began as I immediately shook my head and my stomach dropped down to my toes.

  “You did what?” I asked, stunned. “Oh my God, Derek, why would you do that?!”

  “Because I was pissed off that he touched you aga
inst your will, and he had no business talking to you the way he did. That’s why!” he railed back at me as he turned to face me, his eyes blazing. “And I wasn’t about to let him get away with it.”

  That was when I noticed the side of his face. “Your eye!” I said as I gripped his chin and forced him to face me fully. His left eye was bruised and swollen. “He hit you!” I said, my mouth falling open in shock as anger filled me to the brim.

  “Not before I got off a few of my own,” he answered with a boyish laugh.

  “He gave you a black eye!” I gasped.

  “You think I look bad, you should see the other guy!” he continued, doing his best Mafioso accent.

  “So the dean found out that you hit a student and he fired you,” I said, piecing together the rest of the puzzle.

  “Yep, that’s what happened,” Derek said on a sigh as he shook his head and looked ticked off. “And understandably so, I guess.”

  “So what are you going to do now?” I asked as I worried that he might move away and I might never see him again.

  He shrugged. “Going to look for another job, obviously, Nik,” he said with a laugh and a shrug like that much should have been obvious.

  “Where?” I asked.

  “Wherever they’ll take me.”

  I faced forward as the weight of this news sunk into me. I was quiet for a few seconds as I realized I was the reason Derek had lost his job. “This is all my fault,” I said softly.

  “No, it isn’t!” Derek insisted as he reached over and grabbed my hand, squeezing it tightly. “This is exactly why I didn’t want to tell you,” he insisted. “This isn’t your fault! It was my idea to go talk to the asshole, and his idea to try to take a swing at me.”

  “He swung at you first?” I asked as I faced him.

  “Yeah,” he answered with a nod. “I didn’t want to fight. I just wanted to have words with him.”

  “Did you tell the dean that he came after you first?” I insisted, unsure how it was that Derek had been the one to get fired if he’d told the dean exactly what had happened.

  “Yeah, but it didn’t matter. The dean has been gunning for me all year and this was the perfect excuse to fire me, so he took it.”