The Chaos of Standing Still

by Jessica Brody

  “What was it?” Xander urges.

  Jimmy nudges Siri, “Go ahead. Tell them, Lover Girl.”

  Siri sighs, looking embarrassed. “Someone Making Out with an Inanimate Object.”

  I think about Siri kissing that blow-up doll at the party and let out a gasp. “That was you!”

  She huffs. “Yeah, yeah, I know. It wasn’t my finest moment.”

  Jimmy circles his arms around in an obnoxious victory dance. “Have fun with those ketchup dispensers,” he gloats before literally moonwalking away.

  Xander and I share a laugh while Siri visibly stews in her defeat.

  “Ah, c’mon,” I tease. “Don’t mope. It’s very unbecoming.”

  Siri scowls, clearly about to tell me off, but just then Marcus approaches from behind her and puts an arm around her shoulder. “Are you ready to go?”

  I cock a curious eyebrow in her direction. “And where are you two off to?”

  Siri’s scowl instantly vanishes. “He’s taking me to Greece! First class! How can I say no?”

  I smile. “I guess you can’t.”

  She flashes me a wicked grin. “Give me your phone.”

  “Why?” I ask suspiciously.

  She rolls her eyes. “Just give it to me.”

  I pull my phone out of my backpack and hand it over. Siri unlocks the screen, taps her number into my contacts, and then gives the phone back. “In case you ever have another layover in Denver.”

  I laugh and give her another hug. “Thanks.”

  Xander and I keep walking. As we make our way through the terminal, I read the names of all the destinations posted above each gate.

  Detroit. Seattle. Chicago. Vancouver. Des Moines. Dallas. Raleigh. Boston.

  So many connections between here and there.

  So many tales of so many cities.

  Until finally we reach Miami.

  Gate A19.

  Xander’s gate.

  “Do you realize, this is where we met?” he muses.

  I glance around, seeing the familiar moving walkway just behind us. He’s right. This is the very spot where I face-planted. It seems like weeks ago. Not a mere twenty-four hours. “You mean, this is where I crashed into you while you were just minding your own business.”

  “Hey,” he says, his tone turning serious. “You can crash into me anytime.”

  We stand and look at each other for a long moment. Neither of us wants to say it. I’m not sure I even can.

  I can’t say good-bye to another person today.

  “I . . .” I falter.

  Xander dives for my lips, stealing my words away with another one of his debilitating kisses. I know I don’t have a ton of experience with stuff like this, but damn, the boy is good. I wonder if they teach this in that fancy prep school of his.

  I wonder if he’ll get back in.

  I hope so.

  When he reluctantly pulls away, I’m left breathless.

  “I . . . ,” I try for a second time, but again words fail me.

  “Close your eyes,” he says. “Give me your hand.”

  I giggle at the echo of his “Eternal Flame” serenade in the food court, but I do as I’m told. I close my eyes. I reach my hand out for his. He takes it and places it against his chest.

  “Do you feel my heart beating?” he asks, and I hear the playful smile in his voice.

  I nod. Because I can. Just inches beneath Animal’s wild, crazy eyes, Xander’s heart is pounding just as wildly. “I understand,” I say. “I feel the same.”

  Then he kisses me again. This time it’s light and tender and full of promise. Not even a trace of good-bye.

  Yet, it still makes my limbs feel useless.

  It isn’t until his lips have left mine that I notice he’s placed something between my palm and his chest. I withdraw my hand to find a piece of paper, folded several times into a tiny square.

  On the front, in red pen, someone has handwritten the number 1 with a circle around it.

  One unread message.

  “I’m pretty sure I remembered it all,” he says quietly. “But you don’t have to read it until you’re ready. Even if that means you never read it. I just . . .” He hesitates, looking visibly pained as he casts his gaze to the floor. “I just feel better knowing that you have it.”

  I stare numbly at the note in my hand. Lottie’s last words to me. He remembered them. He wrote them down.

  He gave them back to me.

  Tears spring to my eyes again and start falling down my cheeks. Xander brushes them away with his thumb and smiles, flashing those perfect white teeth. “Good-bye, Vegina Starbucks.”

  I laugh, which makes me cry harder. “Good-bye, Reginald Schwarzenegger.”

  Somehow the fake names make it feel a little less real. And a little easier to say.

  Nearby, the gate agent announces the final boarding call for Xander’s flight to Miami. He takes a deep, courageous breath. “Well, I guess I can’t put this off any longer. Time to face the music.”

  “It’ll be okay,” I tell him.

  He nods and rakes his teeth over his bottom lip. “Yeah.”

  He gives me one last kiss. This time, on my cheek. “It’s been fun,” he whispers into my ear.

  “It’s been crazy,” I whisper back.

  His soft lips linger close to my skin, sending shivers over my entire body. “Crazy is good.”

  He pulls away with a heavy sigh and gets in line to board the plane, keeping his back turned to the door so he can watch me leave.

  I inhale a courageous breath of my own and step onto the moving walkway. It will take me to the gate that will take me to the plane that will finally take me Home.

  Ironically, it’s the same walkway that took me to Xander.

  Only in reverse.

  I keep my eyes on Muppet Guy until the very last possible moment. Until I can’t see him anymore. Until he disappears down the Jetway and the walkway carries me on.

  Then I turn around and face everything in front of me.

  Epilogue

  I hear the distinct scraping sound of the wheels leaving the earth as my plane rises steadily into the air, putting more and more distance between me and my past with each ticking second.

  I stare out the window of seat 18A and watch the ground grow smaller beneath me. It looks so peaceful from way up here. So white and sparkling and clean. No footsteps. No tire tracks. No history.

  A wonderland.

  Completely untouched.

  Completely untainted.

  Entirely renewed.

  I remove the note from my pocket and lay it flat in my open palm. I run my fingertip across the red number 1 written on the front.

  One unread message.

  But not for long.

  With my heart in my throat and my hands shaking, I carefully unfold the paper. Xander’s handwriting is rushed and messy, desperately trying to get it all down before his memory fails him.

  The message isn’t long. A few lines. But I know I will read it countless times. I know I will devour it over and over until the paper crumbles and the ink fades and the words are ingrained in my mind forever. A permanent part of me.

  An eternal flame.

  But for now, the first sentence is all I need.

  Wanna hear something crazy?

  The plane shudders as it collides with an unstable current of air. But it keeps the same course. The same path. Ascending relentlessly into the unpredictable atmosphere.

  I close my eyes.

  I clutch the piece of paper to my chest.

  And I whisper into the sky, “Always.”

  Acknowledgments

  It takes a writer to write a story, but it takes a village to turn that story into a book. Thank you to Nicole Ellul—editor, sounding board, Springsteen fan, and the most incredible cheerleader an author can ask for. Seriously, if this book were a football team, we would be undefeated. And to my amazing family at Simon & Schuster and Simon Pulse who work so tirelessly and passionat
ely every day to keep the world reading—Chelsea Morgan, Faye Bi, Jodie Hockensmith, Carolyn Swerdloff, Catherine Hayden, Mara Anastas, Steve Scott, Bara MacNeill, Russell Gordon, Mary Marotta, Liesa Abrams, Jennifer Ung, Jessi Smith, Sarah McCabe, and Mary Nubla (my Instagram buddy). Also a huge, tremendous thanks to Jim McCarthy, my agent, for championing this book from the very beginning and for always knowing just the right thing to say. And to Dana Spector for being everyone’s “favorite agent” in Hollywood (including mine).

  Thank you to my brilliant friends—Joanne Rendell, Morgan Matson, Jessica Khoury, Marie Lu, and Jennifer Bosworth—who are always just a text or Skype call away whenever I need advice on plot, titles, audio books, life, or Covet Fashion.

  Also a huge shout out to the fabulous Len Vlahos and Kristen Gilligan (aka Denver’s new power couple) at the Tattered Cover, Cathy Berner at Blue Willow Bookshop, as well as all the booksellers, bookstores, teachers, and librarians who have placed my books in the hands of readers. You are the reason I have a job. Your unbridled enthusiasm for books and your boundless support of authors will never go unnoticed or underappreciated. (Courtney Saldana, I’m winking at you right now.)

  Also thanks to my remarkably supportive and encouraging parents, Michael and Laura Brody; my talented little sister, Terra Brody; and to my kind and generous aunt, Cathy Brody, M.F.T., for all of your brilliant therapy insight (into my character and me). And as always, to Charlie, for finding order in the chaos on a daily basis.

  And no acknowledgements would ever be complete without an exuberant heartfelt thank you to my readers around the world. May you never stand still for too long. May you always live forward.

  About the Author

  Jessica Brody is the author of several popular novels for teens and tweens, including Boys of Summer, 52 Reasons to Hate My Father, A Week of Mondays, Addie Bell’s Shortcut to Growing Up, and the Unremembered trilogy. She has spent so much time in the Denver airport, she’s often considered having her mail forwarded there. She lives with her husband and four dogs in Colorado. Visit her online at JessicaBrody.com.

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  Also by Jessica Brody

  Boys of Summer

  52 Reasons to Hate My Father

  A Week of Mondays

  The Unremembered Trilogy

  Addie Bell’s Shortcut to Growing Up

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  This book is a work of fiction. Any references to historical events, real people, or real places are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, places, and events are products of the author’s imagination, and any resemblance to actual events or places or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

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  First Simon Pulse hardcover edition November 2017

  Text copyright © 2017 by Jessica Brody Entertainment, LLC

  “Eternal Flame”

  Words and Music by Billy Steinberg, Tom Kelly, and Susanna Hoffs

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  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Names: Brody, Jessica, author.

  Title: The chaos of standing still / by Jessica Brody.

  Description: First Simon Pulse hardcover edition. | New York : Simon Pulse, 2017. |

  Summary: Ryn, eighteen, trapped by a massive blizzard in the Denver airport, meets some unique characters who help her cope with survivor’s guilt on the first anniversary of her best friend’s death.

  Identifiers: LCCN 2017007753 | ISBN 9781481499187 (hardcover) | ISBN 9781481499200 (eBook)

  Subjects: | CYAC: Interpersonal relations—Fiction. | Best friends—Fiction. | Friendship—Fiction. | Guilt—Fiction. | Airports—Fiction. | Blizzards—Fiction. | Death—Fiction.

  Classification: LCC PZ7.B786157 Ch 2017 | DDC [Fic]—dc23

  LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2017007753