by Staci Haines
level, out there. Afterward I cried and shook and felt cleansed somehow.
Akaya
As discussed in chapter 5, on anatomy, some women ejaculate with G-spot stimulation. Although not all women experience G-spot ejaculation, there are techniques that can help you learn how, if you’re interested. Allow yourself plenty of time to explore your G-spot and discover what arouses you. Urinate before you begin. When you are about to ejaculate, you may feel like you need to pee; you can dissipate this fear by knowing you just went. Also G-spot stimulation can cause bladder infections in some women; you can help to prevent this by urinating before and after you play. If you feel the sensation of having to pee when you come, bear down to release the ejaculate. Please note that this can be a very wet ordeal. You may want to have towels close by.
You can stimulate your own G-spot with your fingers or a firm dildo. Some dildos are curved especially to reach the G-spot. Your partner can stimulate your G-spot with a hand or a dildo. Tell your partner where the sensation feels most intense and what you want. Many woman also like to have their clitoris stimulated at the same time. Try touching your clit, having your partner touch you, or using a vibrator while your G-spot is being stimulated.
I have learned how to ejaculate. It took patience and time. It was actually a great way to get to know my genitals and sexual responses. It is wet and fun…kind of intense in a different way.
Daren
Hands and Fisting
Lots of folks get freaked out at the idea of fisting. The term fisting can sound aggressive or violent when taken out of context. But it simply refers to inserting a whole hand into the vagina. Fisting has nothing to do with punching the vagina. The term comes from the fact that once a hand is fully inserted, it naturally curls up into an fist, given the amount of room available.
Believe it? Well, it is not so hard to believe when you know women’s anatomy. Vaginal membrane is extremely pliable and sturdy. After all, whole babies pass through there. Think back to the information in chapter 5 on women’s sexual response cycle. When a woman is sexually aroused, the vaginal walls open and lubricate, and the uterus lifts upward, creating a large ballooned area at the end of the vaginal passage near the cervix. There is enough space in there for a hand (depending, of course, upon both the size of the hand and the woman’s anatomy).
Fisting requires relaxation and trust on the receiver’s end—plus a high degree of sexual arousal. It usually helps to have ongoing clitoral stimulation while fisting. Fisting is an intense sensation by most accounts. Many survivors report a response similar to that caused by G-spot stimulation, with the release of trauma and emotions.
The first time my lover and I were successful at fisting, I cried and cried. It wasn’t that it hurt, or caused any particular emotional pain. It felt like a release, almost a relief really.
Stephanie
Here are the how-to’s of fisting: Get out your water-based lubricant, and play sexually until you are well aroused. (Remember: never use oil-based lubricant in the vagina.) Insert fingers one or two at a time until there is plenty of room for all four. The idea is to make your hand as skinny as possible. Tuck your thumb into the fold of your fingers and fold the two sides of your hand as close together as possible. Your knuckles should face the posterior or back side of the vaginal passage.
The partner being fisted is in charge all the way. Listen to her words and her body. If you are being fisted, communicate and above all, relax. Bring your breath into your pelvis and let it relax and open. Go slowly. If you are doing the fisting, let your partner slowly press down onto your hand.
Getting the width of the knuckles through the narrow passage of your pelvic bones is the part where most first-timers turn back. Use lots of lube. I could say that five more times. When you are ready, your partner can ease his or her knuckles inside by slowly rotating the hand past the pubic bone. For the fistee, this is a good time to take a deep breath and exhale with the entrance. This may be painful until you find the proper route through. Some folks twist in, turning the hand palm up once they are in. The fister’s hand will curl up into a fistlike shape; thus the name. Stop if any part is too painful. Once in, you can slowly turn the hand, move it gently up and down, or gently move in and out.
I discovered that my greatest pleasure is in fisting. I love to have my hand inside
a woman’s vagina, to feel everything she feels. I love to take her inside of me.
To feel filled, overwhelmed by the fucking.
Max
Fisting can be incredibly intimate and evoke vulnerably in both you and your partner. Respect this in your play.
The How-to’s of Vaginal Penetration
There is so much more to vaginal penetration than athletic thrusting, though once aroused, many women love to be penetrated deeply and firmly. Tell your partner what feels best, or ask her what she likes. Remember to communicate and enjoy the exploration.
Whether you’re receiving your lover’s penis or dildo, or penetrating your female partner, the following are some places to begin. You can share these suggestions with your partner or try them out yourself:
• Tug gently at the pubic hairs.
• Put your whole hand over her vulva; feel the heat and pressure.
• Lightly tap or slap the vulva with your hand.
• Snap on a glove, grab the lube, and trace the opening of her vagina with your fingers.
• Put a condom on your partner’s penis—or invite your partner to put a condom on your dildo.
• Run the head of the penis or dildo all around the vulva without entering.
• Enter the vagina only an inch or two, and move in and out.
• Move your hips in a steady motion, then move in circles.
• Have your partner insert two or three fingers into your vagina, and twist and turn his or her hand while thrusting.
• Enter the vagina shallowly and then deeply.
• Put your fingers into her vagina and stimulate her G-spot with a “come-hither” motion.
• Look at your partner.
• Move your body, breathe, and relax.
Anal Penetration
Anal sex is coming into its own these days. While historically it has found its place on the kinky side of the ledger, anal sex is becoming mainstream. At Good Vibrations, I was initially surprised by how many people came in seeking anal sex information and toys. Both men and women were looking for ways to enjoy their butts.
I find anal sex warm and intense. I get embarrassed talking about it, given the stigma, but I’m getting braver.
MB
I fantasize about anal sex and love it when my lovers touch me there. I can’t ask for it yet, though. I am too embarrassed and it brings up memories of my stepfather.
Laura
The anus is a sensitive and nerve-packed area, and it can offer you an enjoyable addition to your sexual pleasure. When playing with the anus, it is important to follow a couple of rules. Always use water-based lubricant for anal penetration. Unlike the vagina, the anus does not produce its own lubrication. To protect the sensitive skin within the anal canal, and to make the experience enjoyable for the recipient, you must use lubrication. Relax. Anal sex will not be successful if you are tense. Breathe. Let the muscles around your butt and pelvis relax.
When practicing anal sex, the person on the receiving end should control the speed and depth of penetration. Communicate with your partner about how it’s going.
You can enjoy anal penetration with fingers and hands, with a penis, or with sex toys, such as a dildo or butt plug. Tristan Taormino, author of The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women, writes, “Never poke the anus; instead, stroke the opening with the pad of your finger.” Ease your way inside the anus by caressing the opening with your finger. The sphincter muscles will automatically close if you try to penetrate by poking straight into the anus.
If you are using anything other than what is attached to your body to penetrate the ass—like a dild
o or butt plug—make sure it is flanged at the bottom. This means that the bottom of the toy widens into a broad base to prevent it from slipping up into the anal canal and beyond. Unlike the vaginal canal, the anus leads right into the body. An unflanged toy could slip up into the large intestines. This is very painful and dangerous, not to mention embarrassing, and can result in a trip to the nearest emergency room.
Again, many people are concerned about cleanliness when practicing anal sex. Before engaging in anal sex you can wash yourself with soapy water or use an enema to cleanse the anal canal. If you are planning to have anal sex, be careful about what you eat. Stay away from hot or spicy foods and small seeds, like those on strawberries or in kiwis. These are not digested and can scrape the sensitive lining of the anal area.
Some people also practice anal fisting, or handballing, which takes great care because of the sensitivity of the membrane lining the anal canal. The process is similar to vaginal fisting. If you are interested in anal fisting, read up on anal sex and anal anatomy first. It is best to learn from someone with experience.
Male Prostate
In men, the prostate gland can be stimulated through anal penetration (see chapter 5 for more on the prostate). Many men find prostate stimulation very pleasurable, though, as with G-spot stimulation in women, it may be too intense or painful for some men. The prostate can be reached by inserting a finger or toy about three inches into the anus and pressing toward the front of the body, using that old come-hither motion again.
The How-to’s of Anal Penetration
Anal penetration requires even more communication than other sexual activities. The anus and rectum are fragile. Approach with care. If you prefer toys to fingers or a penis, pick a slender dildo for starters. Remember to use a lot of lubricant for anal play. And keep anal bacteria out of the vagina. You can place a bunched-up a sheet or towel over the vagina to catch any drips of lube if you are being penetrated from behind.
Whether you’re penetrating your partner or receiving your lover’s penis or dildo, the following are some ideas to try. You can share these suggestions with your partner or try them out yourself:
• Tug at his or her pubic hairs.
• Caress your partner’s genitals, thighs, and butt.
• Use your fingers to become familiar with your partner’s body.
• Snap on a glove, grab the lube, and trace the opening of the anus with your fingers.
• Massage the opening of the anus.
• Make sure your partner is well aroused and open before you insert a finger or toy.
• Use a sweeping motion to enter; don’t poke.
• Stimulate the clitoris or stroke the penis as you play.
• Put a condom on your partner’s penis or dildo.
• Run the head of your penis or dildo all around the opening without entering.
• Enter slowly; let your partner guide you.
• Penetrate slowly at first. Communicate about the depth and speed.
• Relax, move, and breathe.
Safer Penetration
As with oral sex, you can exchange many bodily fluids through penetration. Semen, including pre-come, and blood from menstruation are two of the bodily fluids with the highest concentration of HIV. The risk factor for contact with vaginal secretions (no blood) is fairly low. Anal penetration often causes tiny tears in the sensitive anal tissues, allowing for the transmission of blood and other bodily fluids. If you practice anal sex, practice it safely with latex barriers.
To practice safer sex during vaginal penetration, use a condom on your partner’s penis or dildo, or a latex glove on your partner’s hand. Again, using a bit of water-based lubricant in the tip of the condom will help it slide and increase stimulation. Remember to hold onto the tip as you put on the condom to prevent air from being trapped at the tip, which can cause breakage. There are condoms made of alternative materials for those allergic to latex. Lambskin condoms are not effective for preventing the transmission of HIV.
When using latex gloves, get a size that fits you snugly. This will increase the sensitivity. Slather the glove with water-based lube and you are set to go.
Just another reminder regarding your genital health: Do not bring a toy or hand from the anus back to the vulva without washing it first, or replacing the glove or condom. The bacteria from the anal area can cause an infection in the vagina.
Penetration and Triggers
Penetration can be triggering for many survivors. If you were vaginally or anally penetrated during the abuse, you may find it painful or upsetting to have vaginal or anal sex now.
For some survivors, penetration can be painful, because tension and trauma are held in the pelvic region, or because of an infection or other medical problem. If you have vaginal or anal pain during penetration, go to a skilled medical practitioner to get it checked out. Some survivors have gotten sexually transmitted diseases from the sexual abuse or unsafe sexual practices. Vaginismus, fibroid tumors, and vaginal infections can cause pain during penetration. Some survivors will have scarring within the vagina from severe abuse.
Trauma caused by sexual abuse that included penetration can be held throughout the pelvic area as tension, pain, and/or numbness. As you work with this area of your body, releasing the pain, memories, and trauma, your sensations may change. Many survivors have this experience.
The feelings in my hips and genitals changed as I healed. I used to feel pain and tension when I had sex, or I wouldn’t feel much at all, as if I didn’t have any nerve endings in that part of my body. As I have thawed that part of me, lots of feelings of pain, fear, and anger have come out. It’s as if they were stored in there under some sheath of ice until I could feel them.
Jenifer
When working with triggers related to penetration, take it slowly. Pay attention to what comes up throughout your pelvic area. This can be one of the most loaded areas of the body for survivors and one of the most potent for healing.
You may find it useful to control the depth and speed of the penetration during sex. Communicate with your partner throughout the sexual experience, telling him or her when to slow down, when to speed up, and how deeply to enter you. It is usually easier to control the depth and speed of penetration if you are on top. Some folks find it embarrassing to talk all the way through a sexual encounter, yet it can greatly add to your pleasure and sense of connection.
Check in visually with your partner as well. What is it like to look at your partner during penetration? Keeping your eyes open may also help you stay in the present and not slip back into the past. Notice your partner and your surroundings, breathe, and feel your sensations and body. You can remain connected to yourself this way, which will keep you resourceful and able to choose how to respond to a trigger.
Changing positions can also be useful when you feel triggered during penetration. For some, lying on their stomach while being penetrated from behind is triggering, while being on top is not. You can also try facing each other, lying side by side, or the spoons position. You can both sit up, legs wrapped around each other, for another variation. Exploring is the name of the game. What positions helps you stay in your body? In which positions do you feel the most resourceful and empowered?
Penetration need not be a trigger forever. If you want a particular sexual option, you can work with the trigger using the resources and exercises in this book. The choice is yours as to what sexual options you want to have. The next chapter will guide you through ways to heal through your triggers.
Sex Guide Exercises
1. How do you feel after reading this chapter? What do you notice in your thinking, emotions, and sensations?
2. What do like most and least about penetration? Specifically, what do you like and dislike about vaginal penetration? Anal penetration? Penetration with sex toys? Fingers and hands? Talk with someone else about what you like and dislike.
3. What did you discover about yourself in reading this chapter?
&nbs
p; chapter eleven
Embracing Triggers
If you arrange your sex life to avoid triggers, you’ll end up with no room left for your sex life.
Stephanie
Many survivors feel understandably frustrated when it comes to triggers. You may be in a stage of sexual recovery in which you are dealing with them all the time. You may be so triggered sexually that you do not want to be sexual at all. Most survivors just want to get rid of triggers altogether.
In this chapter, I want to introduce a different approach. What if triggers were not to be avoided but rather explored, felt, and healed? What if triggers were flags waving as if to say, “Hey, over here, there is something needing healing and attention”? Triggers are healable. You need not assume that because oral sex triggers you now, it always will. Once you have released the trauma from the area of your body where the trigger is stored and processed the experience emotionally, the trigger will fade.
The intent in this work is to heal your sexuality to such an extent that you can fully make your own choices about sex. You get to choose your sexual expression based upon your own needs and desires, not those limits and traumas induced by childhood sexual abuse. This chapter tells you how to achieve this healing through your triggers.
What Is a Trigger?