by Staci Haines
Triggers are automatic responses connected to your past sexual abuse that can suddenly rush into the present. Certain acts, smells, words—perhaps even a tone of voice—can act as triggers that bring up images and feelings from the past. When you are in the middle of being triggered, it may be difficult to distinguish between the past and the present.
I’ve never been one of those survivors who got triggered in the grocery store. My
triggers are mostly connected to people and being close. Sex especially triggers
me. Many times when having sex, images of my father will come rushing in and
I can no longer tell the difference between him and my lover. I get terrified and
shut down, then just try to hurry up and get sex over with. It’s awful.
Carla
Triggers seem to arise unexpectedly. They can evoke images or memories of the abuse, emotions, or feelings in your body. Many survivors report being overwhelmed by a sense of not wanting their partner to touch them, or pulling away from physical or sexual touch out of an automatic fear that they will be hurt or betrayed.
Sometimes my girlfriend reaches to touch me and I want to push her away. I don’t want her near me and I feel nauseated.
Kathy
Triggers can also be sudden moods that seem to take over. You may be enjoying flirting or talking sexy with your partner and suddenly find yourself angry and annoyed, or grief-stricken. These are typical experiences for survivors.
I get so angry, I feel sorry for my husband. We’ll be acting playful, flirting, and beginning to be sexual, and I will turn on him. I kind of flip inside. Suddenly I am agitated and annoyed. Everything he does grates on me.
Rona
Just being confronted with certain sexual acts, smells, sounds, and colors may act as triggers for survivors. Even enjoying certain sexual acts or orgasm may serve as a trigger point.
Oral sex…I just can’t do it yet. I try, but I start to gag and I feel like I’m that little girl again with my uncle shoving himself down my throat.
Tracy
I used to cry every time I had an orgasm. I didn’t understand it until I remembered the incest. The tears are a mix of relief and guilt and shame. It really stirs up the part of the abuse that physically felt good and all the shame of thinking it was my fault.
Roslyn
Triggers are history seeping through into the present, pieces of memory emerging from the past. While the pain, anger, or confusion can seem to be a response to something that is happening today, it is really a fragment of visual, emotional, or body memory making its way to the surface. Triggers act like cracks in present-day reality that open to unresolved trauma from the past.
Map to Recovery
The same or similar triggers often recur until that piece of memory or trauma is processed and released. In this way, triggers act as flags to alert you to aspects of healing that need to be addressed. Triggers can serve as a map to your recovery and sexual healing. By attending to and healing through your triggers, you can unpack the baggage of sexual abuse from your sexuality.
I always used to get triggered by my girlfriend kissing me in a certain way; it made me want to push her away or totally dissociate. I then had the memory of my brother kissing me that same way when he abused me. I cried and got angry and dealt with that memory, and that trigger is put to rest.
Kay
So, what triggers you? What sights, smells, places, sexual positions, or sounds can trigger you? What ways of being sexual make you want to run, dissociate, freeze, or get angry or sad? How about sex and intimacy combined? What happens for you then? Discovering your triggers is like finding important clues on a treasure hunt. This information is vital in the sexual healing process.
Just as you tracked patterns of dissociation in chapter 3, you can track patterns in your triggers. What triggers you sexually? Your own intensity? That you like anal sex, S/M, or other “unacceptable” turn-ons?
I’ve found that one of my biggest triggers is how intense I can get sexually. I want to fuck, and bite, and grab. It is all consensual, we are adults, and I still get triggered into this feeling of shame.
Jeanie
Note how your body changes when you are triggered. What sensations do you notice? What happens in your body? Do you stop breathing, hold your jaws tight, tighten your genitals or sphincter muscle? How do your moods and emotions shift?
What recurring images, sounds, memories, emotions, or body sensations emerge when you are triggered? Explore your triggers; there is a world of information to gain.
Not having sex triggers me. I start to get all weird, like I am unworthy, unloved. I feel like I need to go find a trick or one-night stand to prove myself again.
Lourdes
Saying “no” is an unbelievable trigger for me. I either can’t say it at all, or I start shaking and muttering…I feel like I am five again. My “no” has been incested out of me.
Mimi
Embracing Triggers: This Way Out
The idea of embracing your triggers may seem counterintuitive at first. You may feel uncomfortable and unsettled with this way of dealing with triggers, yet I have seen its effectiveness time and time again. Instead of avoiding and moving away from triggers, you can begin to move toward and into them. When you get triggered you can say, “Hey, good news, I am triggered. Now I can free up more of me!” When you move yourself toward and into a trigger, you have the opportunity to then process the material and move through it. In doing this you can release the trigger from your body, emotions, and mind and be complete with it. Triggers act as signposts to what is in need of healing. They guide you on the road to freedom.
Tracking Triggers
a. I get triggered when (sights, sounds, smells, positions, places)…
I really let go and get into sex. If I like or love sex, then I must have wanted the abuse.
My husband comes at me from behind.
I am awoken in the middle of the night to have sex. I can’t tell where I am or who my boyfriend is.
The inside of my right thigh is stroked repeatedly. I want to kick.
My legs or arms are held down.
My nipples are touched softly. This unnerves me; I need a firmer touch.
I see men who look like my uncle.
b. What happens in my body is (sensations)…
I get extremely tense between my shoulder blades.
My breathing gets really shallow.
My feet and the lower part of my body seem far away, not quite a part of me anymore.
My genitals and anus tense up.
I float out of my body.
My throat gets tight and I feel like I can’t speak.
c. Recurring visuals, smells, sounds, emotions and body memories are…
This picture of my dad entering my bedroom and coming toward me.
A picture of my grandpa with a hard-on.
Being penetrated from behind; this grips my body and senses.
The smell of his deodorant.
The smell of alcohol on his breath.
Having weight on top of me, which makes me feel panicked and trapped.
The sound of their voices; I don’t know where to run.
Most of us hate triggers and getting triggered. They can be painful, annoying, and devastating, and they interrupt otherwise good experiences. Because of this, many survivors try to avoid triggers as much as possible. They try to organize their lives, and especially their sex lives, to avoid the uncomfortable and often painful feelings that being triggered can bring up. Eventually, people can a build a narrow life entirely motivated by avoiding triggers.
Sex triggered me so much that I eventually avoided it altogether. I tried to become asexual and rid myself of all notions of being erotic. This has cost me a lot of joy in my life.
Mimi
You know, in taking on recovering from all this stuff, I realized that I had not touched myself in years. This is so sad when I think about it now. They scared me away from
my own body.
Maria
Triggers are funny creatures. When they are avoided, they seem to become bigger or more powerful, while the space for you becomes smaller. Avoiding triggers also leaves all of the land mines of sexual abuse in place, so the terrain of your life continues to feel dangerous and untrustworthy. When triggers are taken on, felt, and processed, they shrink or transform altogether. What was once a trigger becomes a completed part of your history. You may notice it periodically, but it no longer runs you.
I didn’t think I would ever make it to the place where I could enjoy sex and not be triggered. It is amazing to me that I have arrived. I still deal with a trigger periodically, but mostly I am present and enjoying myself. It is great!
Lee
By trying to ignore triggers, you are saying that the trigger is more powerful than you are. This, of course, is not the case. You are more powerful than what happened to you. It may not feel like it sometimes, but I can assure you this is the case. You are more powerful than what happened to you or you would not have made it.
The first time I decided to stay with a trigger to try to process it, I was terrified.
I thought it was insane to keep myself there. It was painful, and I cried and
remembered new stuff. I hated it, and I got through it. That trigger and those
memories were never as scary again.
Melanie
My body would shake whenever I tried to hang with the touch that triggered me the most. But I learned to breathe and just let myself shake. It felt like all the terror and fear of the abuse, all the tears could now pour out of me in a way that they couldn’t before. I feel very thankful and compassionate with myself now.
Stephanie
Since I really started taking on my triggers and treating them like messengers of important information, I have been changing. I can masturbate and not check out or have a guilt attack now. No, even more than that, I can masturbate, feel sexy, and enjoy myself.
Halli
Trigger Plan and Tools
So, just how do you handle triggers? What do you do in the midst of being sexual when you are no longer with the living? How can you use your triggers to heal yourself? Before we begin, I suggest that you check out your network of support. Having people you can talk to, cry with, and explore these ideas with is essential to the healing process. If you haven’t begun to gather a support network, please do so now. You can find advice on this in chapter 1.
The following are simple steps to take when you are triggered in a sexual situation. These tools can be used in both partner sex and masturbation. I suggest that you review these steps first in a nonsexual situation. Give them a test run. Talk them through with a friend, partner, or counselor, or write about them in your journal. Practicing these steps outside of a sexual encounter will make them much easier to use while being sexual. It is hard to try a new approach when you are feeling triggered in the middle of sex. By practicing these tools first, you will have resources at hand to help you through.
These steps are encapsulated in the Trigger Plan later in this chapter. This is an easy format to use in preparing yourself.
NOTICE.
Begin by noticing when you are triggered. This can be the biggest step. What is triggering you? What sensations are you feeling in your body? Are you breathing? Often we blame our partners for the discomfort, irritation, or dislike that emerges with a trigger. Thoroughly check out the source of your uneasiness with your partner when it comes up. Are you triggered? How can your partner be an ally to you now, instead of an enemy? As with dissociation, your partner can help you notice when you are triggered.
STOP AND BREATHE.
Stop, pause, and breathe. Assess the situation. What are you feeling? What’s going on? What do you need? It is fine to take a break in the middle of sex. Stopping and addressing the trigger will ultimately make your sexual experience more satisfying, safe, and healing. Refer to your internal sensations of safety or your emotional resource (see chapter 1).
CHOOSE.
Now is your opportunity. Once you have noticed your trigger and paused, there are numerous options for handling it. You’ll find some options listed below, under Many Choices. Please add to the list those particular things that work for you. When making a choice as how to handle a trigger, check in with what you need right now and what will be best for your ongoing healing process. If in the past you have tended to choose to stop being sexual, try something different instead. Take a break and then re-engage sexually. Or change what you are doing but remain in physical contact with yourself or your partner. If you have consistently tried to push through triggers, now try stopping. Attend to the child in you. Or move toward the trigger to work with it. Taking new risks is important. It expands your options and lets you learn to do what was previously not possible.
ENGAGE.
Continue to be present with yourself and your sex partner. Communicate your choice and talk it over with her or him. Then, engage. Keep bringing yourself to the experience, whether you have chosen to go into the trigger, to continue being sexual, or to get up and go on a walk. Stay connected to yourself, your body, and your partner as much as possible. This is a process of retraining your body. You can be in contact with yourself and another even if you are triggered. You don’t have to go away or disappear. You can stay in your body and at choice. If your first choice doesn’t work for you, feel free to change your mind and make a different choice.
RETURN.
Go back to the beginning and start again as necessary.
Many Choices
Building a whole repertoire of choices gives you numerous avenues you can take when triggered. A generous array of options also allows you to choose different approaches at different times. You may be best supported in your healing process by stopping sex altogether in one encounter, and best served by continuing in another. There are no hard-and-fast rules about what to do when you are triggered. Watch for patterns in your response to triggers. If you always do the same thing, such as stopping sex or trying to go around the trigger, try other approaches. Building options and choices is bringing back into sex what was taken away by sexual abuse.
A number of options follow. This is a limited list; please add to it other options that work for you.
GO INTO THE TRIGGER
You can choose to go into the trigger by keeping your focus and attention on the visual, auditory, or bodily sensations that have been triggered. Keep breathing and stay open to feeling your emotions and the sensations in your body. You can continue to do the thing that initially triggered you, to help take you further into it. Go there gently. The intention behind this choice is to move into, feel, remember, release, and complete the stored memory or trauma. You may move into grieving, anger, fear, or some other emotion connected to the abuse. Let those feelings emerge and be released. When going into a trigger, physically expressing the emotions it brings up is a powerful tool and can move you through it more quickly.
If you are with your partner, share with her or him what is happening and how you are feeling. Let your emotions and body release. If you are shaking, crying, or laughing, do it fully. If you need to express anger, yell into a pillow, hit the bed, or twist a towel as hard as you can. (For more information on safe ways to express traumatic emotions, see chapter 12).
If you are experiencing a memory of abuse, tell your partner as much as you can about it. When you are able to make eye contact with your partner, do so. Connect with his or her support in the present.
The only rule during the expressing of intense emotions is not to hurt yourself or anyone else. Do not break or ruin any object that is important to you or anyone else. I find that while most survivors are afraid that they might hurt someone or get out of control if they express the pain, they actually tend to err on the side of holding in their emotions. For most survivors, having feelings, especially those related to the abuse, was dangerous as a child. But now you have the opportunity to feel and express w
hat you could not before. Grief, rage, terror, and confusion are all completely appropriate responses to sexual abuse.
If you choose to move into the trigger and you are with a partner, first make sure that both of you are ready and willing to go there. This can be an intense experience for your partner as well. During the preparation of your trigger plan, or as you choose to go into the trigger, tell your partner what you need. Do you need to be held? Do you need your partner to back off while you get angry? Communicate your needs as much as possible to help you both move through the experience as smoothly as possible.
If you are alone and decide to go into a trigger, make contact with someone else afterward by phone or a visit. Tell someone what you went through. Share how you are. Reconnect with another human being. This step is essential to take you out of isolation and rebuild connection and relationship with others.