The Survivor's Guide to Sex

by Staci Haines

  Once you have released the emotion, look inside to reestablish a sense of well-being. As discussed in chapter 1, you can build a sense of internal safety through somatic practice. You’ll learn more about creating internal resources in chapter 12. For now, consciously notice that though you are feeling pain, you are okay. Nothing bad has happened. You are healing.

  WATCH FROM A DISTANCE

  Another approach to being with a trigger is to watch it from a distance, while remaining rooted in the present. This can be useful with a trigger you have already processed or a trigger you are working on but don’t want to process fully right now. Noticing objects in the room, colors on the walls, sounds in the environment will help you remain rooted in the present. Note these out loud if you need to. Feel your body—your weight on the bed or your form filling the chair. Remind yourself of the year and the current date, and that you are here in the present. Breathe. From the present, attend to the trigger or memory. Acknowledge it by speaking about it out loud or writing it down. This approach acknowledges the trigger without moving into it fully. You may want to work with this trigger at another time in a nonsexual setting.

  MOVE

  A great way to work with being triggered is to get up and move. Walk around, stretch, breathe, and relax your body. You can also make sounds or shake your body to “shake off” the trigger. Moving can have the effect of bringing you to a present and settled place in which you can return to being sexual.

  TAKE CARE OF THE CHILD

  You can approach a trigger as if it were a small child who is afraid and upset. Treat the trigger as you would a real child who interrupted you while you were having sex. Stop being sexual for the moment and attend to the little girl or inner child. What does she need? Pick her up and comfort her; sit down and rock her. You can use a doll or stuffed animal to represent her, if that will make it easier. Explain to her that sex is for grown-ups, not for kids. Once you have taken care of her, put her back to bed. You can then return to sex if you so chose.

  LET’S MAKE A DEAL

  Engaging in internal negotiations with triggers is another approach. You can “talk to” triggers as if they were parts of you that could communicate. You can ask the triggered part of yourself what it needs and how you might provide that. You will often find that the trigger is a cry for love and attention. You can negotiate to take care of that triggered part of yourself at a later date. If that seems agreeable, make a specific date and time when you will check in with yourself again and attend to the trigger. Keep your commitment.

  CHANGE SEXUAL ACTIVITIES

  Changing positions or sexual activities, turning on the light, or adjusting your environment can shift a trigger for you. If you are uncomfortable or feel uneasy with what you are doing, communicate this to your partner and adjust accordingly. This can add to your sexual play and does not need to be a distraction that ends the encounter.

  There are innumerable sexual activities to choose from. If what you are doing is triggering, change activities. If the weight of your partner on top of you triggers you, get on top yourself. Try sitting up or lying side by side. If your partner is sucking on your breasts in a way that triggers you, ask her to kiss your stomach instead. Or turn over onto your stomach and have him lie on your back. Here’s an opportunity to get creative. Satisfying sex rarely follows the first-through-fourth-base model of lovemaking.

  If you are having a hard time staying present with your partner, open your eyes and look at him or her. Try changing rooms if need be, or bring objects into the space that remind you of your safety and empowerment.

  GO TO THE MOVIES

  You can also choose to change activities altogether. You can choose something that is still sensual or erotic, such as massage with no genital contact, feeding each other foods you like, or bathing together. Or, you can take a break from sex altogether. Take a walk, listen to music, draw, go to the movies, pet your dog—whatever you like. Whatever your choice, practice being embodied and present with yourself and your partner.

  RETURN TO THE PRESENT

  Pause and breathe. Orient yourself to the present by noticing objects, sounds, smells, temperatures, and sensations. Remind yourself where you are, whom you are with, and that what you are doing is consensual. Remind yourself that right now you are powerful and at choice. Review the reasons you like to be sexual and how expressing yourself sexually benefits you. Return to the present and continue to be sexual.

  CHANGE THE STORY

  Once you have worked with acknowledging, feeling, and gaining information from your triggers, you can work with changing the story. If a visual memory or body memory arises, you can intercede and imagine a different outcome.

  Let’s say the body memory of being trapped or held down is triggered. You can stop, breathe, and then imagine pushing off of you the person who is holding you down. Then imagine running for help. Your current adult self can swoop in, pick up the abuser, and throw him across the room, while whisking your frightened child self away to safety. You can imagine that an ally comes in and stops the abuse, telling you that this will never happen again.

  This is an opportunity to get creative. You can rewrite the story in any way you choose. Now, as an adult, you are able to respond to the trigger, take control of the situation, and take back your power and innocence. Make sure the ending of your story includes getting you (and your little girl) to a safe place where there is support.

  SAY “NO” TO REPEATING TRIGGERS

  What if the trigger persists after you’ve processed it emotionally? Some triggers seem to return out of habit more than anything else. If a recurring image or trigger appears, you can tell it, “No, you are no longer welcome here. Do not come back.” You can decide now who is allowed in your inner space and what is going to happen there. This is a process of setting internal boundaries, which you are now in control of. Turn away the image or trigger each time it appears, until it doesn’t return again.

  I had this repeating image of my father that would come to me when I got really turned on. His face would appear and somehow want to be a part of the turn-on. I finally just yelled at him. I told him to get out, and that he was not allowed here anymore. I sent the image out into space, making it smaller and smaller until it disappeared. I did this every time that his face appeared, until it didn’t happen anymore. It was great, like taking back my own space.

  Anne

  YOUR CREATIONS

  Take a moment now to come up with other ways that you can heal through and work with your triggers. As you practice using these tools, you will get more skilled at handling your triggers, and the process will go more quickly. You can use these tools while masturbating or when having sex with a partner.

  Trigger Plan

  Developing a trigger plan is like preparing for a trip. You usually choose your itinerary and gather your maps before you buy your plane ticket. Similarly, set up your trigger plan before you are in a sexual setting. You can develop this plan to use on your own, without necessarily letting your sexual partner in on it. But sharing the plan with your sexual partner can be an empowering risk as well as a great support when working on sexual healing. Please use this plan when being sexual with yourself as well as during partner sex, because masturbation can be just as triggering.

  1. Notice.

  What are some of your current triggers? What happens when you are triggered? How can you (or your partner) notice that you are triggered? Be specific about behaviors. List at least three signals or signs that let you know you are triggered. For example: I start to get angry and my lover’s touch bugs me. I hold my breath. I want to say something, but I feel like I can’t. I worry that I will hurt my lover’s feelings. Then I start tensing up in my body and find myself just “bearing it,” waiting for the whole thing to be over.

  2. Stop.

  Take a deep breath. Stop the sexual activity. You can do this by using a safeword, by moving your body to communicate that you need to stop, or by getting up to go to the bathr
oom. Breathe again. Name three things you can do to stop sexual activity when you are triggered. Refer to your sense of internal safety and resources.

  3. Choose.

  Now you get to choose how you would like to proceed. Keep breathing. Relax your body. It is easiest to do this step if you have already generated a list of options you feel will work for you. Choose from this list what will meet your needs and support your sexual healing now.

  4. Engage.

  Instead of dissociating, engage in whatever strategy you have decided on. Continue to build your capacity to stay present and tolerate the sensations and feelings that are a part of this healing work. Just a reminder: you are always allowed to change your mind and to choose again. If you find that you consistently make the same choice, try choosing something different. For instance, if you usually choose to calm the trigger and continue being sexual, try going into the trigger instead. If you consistently choose to stop being sexual, practice continuing slowly. Bring yourself to your own edge of discomfort so that you can expand your possibilities and process the abuse.

  5. Return.

  Go back to the beginning whenever you need to.

  Tell It Like It Is: Communication and Triggers

  Triggers provide a great opportunity to communicate clearly. While it can be challenging initially to talk about triggers, your needs, or sex, the ability to do so will greatly improve your sex life and satisfaction, and aid your healing. Again, it is much easier to communicate in the moment if you have practiced first outside of the vulnerable and high-risk environment of a sexual encounter. Talk about sex and your trigger plan while sitting at the kitchen table, or driving in the car, or taking a walk.

  Like many people, your partner might also be uncomfortable talking about sex. The trigger plan is a great way to begin to speak about sex, your choices, and your needs. Depending upon how intimate you are, you can show your trigger plan to your partner, create it together, or choose to share specific parts while keeping others private.

  The more you are able to talk to your sexual partners, the more successful you will be at negotiating triggers, dissociation, and/or sexual abuse memories with them as they emerge. In many cases, just telling a partner what is happening can begin to alter the experience. You can then ask your partner for what you need—perhaps to stop or change what he or she is doing. Partners consistently say they would rather be informed about what is going on than feel that something is “off” in the experience, or not know at all. Communicating gives you the option of respecting and taking care of both yourself and your partner.

  I don’t tell my lover when I am triggered. It is too embarrassing and I just want it all to go away. Instead, I go away. I usually just space out.

  Debbie

  I am very clear now with my partner when I am triggered. He will often notice

  me going away before I do. Both of us are committed to having sex only when we

  are present. So, he’ll speak up or I will, and then I have the chance to come back.

  We’ll say, “Oh,it is you. It’s you.” He is teaching me that the purpose of sex is

  not sensation. It’s connection.

  Aurora

  Safewords

  As you communicate with a partner about sex and triggers, it can be useful to create a safeword, an agreed-upon word that you can use to communicate “Stop, I am triggered,” or “Wait, I need to talk about or renegotiate what we are doing.” Choose a simple word that you don’t usually use during sex. Some people use traffic signal colors: “yellow” means check in or slow down, and “red” means stop. When either of you safewords, all activity is suspended immediately while you check in with each other. Both partners must agree to respect this. Come up with a word that works for you.

  Many survivors find it difficult to speak once they are triggered. If this is true for you, you can invent a safeword position or hand signal, such as sitting up or waving your right hand. Again, be creative, and choose something that you can do. Once you have used your safeword or signal, stop and collect yourself. Now is the time to use the trigger plan and decide how to move forward.

  Remember that when being sexual, and particularly when dealing with triggers and healing from sexual abuse, both you and your partner are in vulnerable states. Be respectful of yourself as well as of your partner. Take care of your own needs while remembering that your partner is a person with feelings, too. This doesn’t mean you should ignore your own needs to take care of your partner’s, but that you should communicate as clearly as possible in order to respect both of you.

  Troubling Desire

  Some survivors have sexual desires that bother them. You may feel like your desires are self-destructive. Self-destructive sexual desires can include disembodied or nonconsensual sex, sex when you are intoxicated or high to the extent that your judgment is impaired, and sex that makes you feel disempowered or used. You may also have desires that feel like a repeat of the sexual abuse. You may be sexually attracted to children or put yourself in dangerous sexual situations.

  It was so hard to finally admit to my therapist that I feel some attraction toward kids. I would never touch one, but I had to really deal with this.

  Rose

  The turn-ons that seem the most problematic are those that become connected to self-hate and self-destructive tendencies. You may be attracted to people who continue to abuse you sexually or physically, or you may self-inflict wounds. Some survivors find that the only way they can become aroused is to feel humiliated. If you have such troubling desires, learning to separate abuse from your arousal is central to your healing.

  It seemed like the only men I was attracted to became violent within the first months. I have been raped by a boyfriend and kept going out with him. I cringe when I think of that now. It was all I knew, to be treated like that. It is what I felt I deserved.

  Tracy

  Treat these troubling or self-destructive desires like triggers. What needs to be healed or faced? How can you move into the pain to transform it?

  Healing Triggers Outside of Partner Sex

  Proactively working with your triggers outside of sexual encounters is a powerful way to move your sexual healing forward. I encourage you to regularly work with your sexual triggers on your own, in conversation with friends, therapists, people in support groups, and other sources of support. Dealing with sexual triggers exclusively during sex is unfair to your sex life.

  You do not need a sexual partner to heal triggers. Many survivors do the majority of their sexual healing and trigger work outside of being sexual with another person. All of the practices in this chapter can be done on your own.

  Masturbation is a perfect way to explore your triggers as well as what pleasures you. Most triggers that will emerge during partner sex will emerge during masturbation. Practice being embodied and working with your triggers during masturbation. Note what tools work for you. This gives you powerful groundwork to take into partner sex.

  Feeding the Triggers: A Tool for Healing Triggers

  This is a very powerful and effective exercise for healing and attending to triggers. Although it might seem daunting at first, once you get the hang of it, it is really quite simple. This exercise can be done alone or with a friend, partner, or therapist whose role will be to facilitate, witness, and be present for the experience.

  1. Arrange two pillows or chairs so that they are facing each other. Sit on one. Close your eyes and get in touch with the trigger that you want to work with. Where is it in your body? How does it feel? (e.g., I feel a constriction in my chest and back, or My stomach gets tights and I feel terrified.) Fully feel the trigger and be clear about where in your body you feel it.

  2. Next, let the trigger float out of you onto the pillow across from you, taking some form. It could look like a monster, a little girl, a color or shape. Just let it take shape. An image or sense will appear. Now describe the creature sitting across from you as specifically as you can. What color is it? How large? D
oes it have a face, a look in its eye?

  3. Once you have a clear sense of the representation of the trigger, ask it out loud, “What do you need?”

  4. Switch seats, so that you now occupy the creature or symbol’s seat. Take a moment to imagine yourself becoming the creature or symbol. What does it feel like to be this creature? Now respond as the creature. Tell “you” in the other chair what it is you need. Speak in “I” statements: “I need,” “I want.”

  5. If the trigger wants you, for example, to die, to quit ignoring it, or to eat all the food in the house, ask it (or have your partner ask it) what purpose that would serve. “If I died, quit ignoring you, or ate all that food, how would that make you feel?” You want to discover the need beneath the need. Continue to ask these questions until you get to the base of the trigger’s needs. Most often, the needs at this point will be for love, safety, acceptance, and forgiveness.

  6. Once you have discovered the needs of the trigger you are working with, switch seats and become yourself again. Then, as if by magic, evoke an infinite quantity of love, safety, acceptance, and forgiveness, or whatever it is the trigger symbol needs. Feed the creature what it needs until it is fully and completely satisfied. If you find it difficult to imagine yourself feeding the creature to complete satisfaction, then just imagine that it has been fully fed. Know that all triggers can be fed to their complete satisfaction. Different triggers take in this sustenance in different ways: some eat it, others breathe it in or absorb it into their bodies. Still others take it in best as sounds or colors. Be creative and use what works for your trigger creature.