The Survivor's Guide to Sex

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The Survivor's Guide to Sex Page 32

by Staci Haines


  secrecy

  self-,

  acknowledgment;

  blame ;

  care;

  denial;

  destruction;

  empowered;

  esteem;

  forgiveness;

  hate;

  help groups;

  knowledge;

  loving, see masturbation;

  permission;

  pleasuring date;

  referential;

  respect

  Selfloving

  Semans, Anne

  semen

  seminal vesicle

  sensation

  sensory play, see S/M

  serial monogamy

  Sex

  sex,

  addiction;

  consensual;

  different from abuse;

  education ;

  nonconsensual;

  and S/M;

  taking a break;

  talking about;

  unwanted;

  with partners

  Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA)

  sex basics checklist

  sex education manuals

  Sex Guide Exercises

  sex-negativity

  sex-positivity

  sex toys;

  anal;

  cleaning;

  and condoms;

  flanged;

  and masturbation;

  S/M

  sex toy stores

  sexual aversion

  sexual compulsion

  sexual dysfunction

  sexual empowerment

  sexual energy

  Sexual Expression Permission Slip

  sexual healing;

  process of;

  vision of

  sexual response cycle,

  sexually transmitted diseases (STDs)

  Sexuality Library

  shame

  Sheiner, Marcy

  sigmoid colon

  sleep

  Sluts and Goddesses Video Workshop

  S/M

  and healing;

  and safety;

  toys;

  and triggers;

  and violence

  solitude

  soma

  Somatic Experiencing

  somatics

  somatic practices, see embodiment practices

  sourcing

  spanking

  sperm

  sphincter muscles

  spirituality

  sports

  Sprinkle, Annie

  steam power massager

  Stormy Leather

  Sunbeam

  support

  surrender

  survival strategies

  survivor’s guilt

  T

  taboo

  Tamalpa Institute

  tantra

  Taormino, Tristan

  Tara Mandala Retreat Center

  tension

  testes

  testicles

  testosterone

  therapy

  Tibetan meditation

  top

  Topping Book, The

  torture

  transgendered

  transsexual

  transvestite

  trauma ;

  and inability to orgasm

  Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath Of

  Violence-From Domestic Abuse To Political

  Terror

  traumatic amnesia

  Trigger Plan

  triggers;

  avoiding;

  and communication;

  and cunnilingus;

  defined;

  and dissociation;

  embracing;

  and fellatio;

  and intimacy;

  as map to recovery;

  and masturbation;

  and partner sex;

  and penetration;

  and S/M;

  tools for healing;

  tracking;

  tribadism

  trust;

  competency;

  congruency;

  consistency;

  self-;

  Twelve-Step programs

  U

  Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women, The

  unprotected sex;

  and sexual compulsion

  urethra,

  urethral sponge, see G-spot

  urinary tract infection

  urine

  uterus

  V

  vagina

  vaginal fluids

  vaginal infection

  vagina/penis intercourse

  vaginismus

  vanilla

  Vaseline

  Velcro

  vibrators;

  attachments;

  battery-operated;

  and condoms;

  coil operated;

  electric;

  and masturbation;

  as medical devices;

  motor;

  and orgasm;

  and penetration;

  rechargeable

  videos

  violence

  virgin, defined

  virgin/whore complex

  vision

  Vixen Creations

  voyeurism

  vulnerability

  vulva

  W

  war veterans

  wax

  weight issues

  Western culture

  whipping

  Winks, Cathy

  Women’s Guide to Sex on the Web, The

  women’s sexuality

  Y

  yeast infection

  “Yes,” “No,” “Maybe”

  yoga

  yoni

  About the Author

  Staci Haines leads workshops and trainings in sexual healing for survivors of childhood sexual abuse. She is a Lomi somatics practitioner and a certified Neuro-Linguistic Programming master practitioner, specializing in work with people who have experienced trauma such as sexual abuse. She is an associate at Rancho Strozzi Institute. Staci Haines is a trained sex educator and a former manager of Good Vibrations, the “clean well-lighted place to buy sex toys.” She is the founder of the Child Sexual Abuse Strategic Action Project, which organizes to end child sexual abuse and advocates for adult survivors of abuse. She lives in San Francisco.

  Staci Haines is available for lectures, workshops, and classes. Contact her at 584 Castro Street, PMB 640, San Francisco, CA 94119-2594 or e-mail her at [email protected].

  Table of Contents

  Title Page

  Copyright Page

  Acknowledgements

  Dedication

  illustrations

  Introduction

  chapter one - Safety, Somatics, and Sexual Healing

  The Choice to Heal

  Safety and Sexual Healing

  What’s Down This Road, Anyway?

  Somebody to Lean On: Self-Care and Support

  Somatics: Including Your Body in Healing

  Safer Sex

  Getting Started

  Sex Guide Exercises

  chapter two - Desire and Pleasure

  Discovering Your Pleasure and Desire

  Desire Is in Your Body

  Your Sexual Self-Education

  The Complexity of Desire

  Sex Guide Exercises

  chapter three - Dissociation

  Checking Out

  Dissociation and You

  The Road Back: Healing Dissociation

  Sex Guide Exercises

  chapter four - Self-Denial

  Survival Is a Powerful Act

  Sexual Aversion: Who Needs Sex, Anyway?

  Sexual Compulsion: Sex As the Only Way

  Healing Self-Denial

  The End of Self-Denial

  Sex Guide Exercises

  chapter five - Sexual Response and Anatomy: Information Is Power

  Where Did You Learn That?

  So What Is That Thing? A Lesson in Sexual Anatomy

  Sex
ual Response Cycle

  Gynecological Issues

  Your Body

  Sex Guide Exercises

  chapter six - Masturbation and Self-Healing

  Self-Loving

  A Bad Rap

  Your Keystone to Healing

  But I Don’t Want to Masturbate

  Five Steps to Great Masturbation

  How to Touch Yourself

  A Masturbation Date

  Sex Toys, Fantasies, and Porn

  Compulsive Masturbation

  Mutual Masturbation

  Sex Guide Exercises

  chapter seven - Consent and Boundaries: The “Yes,” “No,” and “Maybe” of Sex

  What Is Consent?

  Sexual Abuse and Unwanted Sex

  Embodied Consent

  Informed Consent

  Knowing What You Want

  Communicating Consent

  “Yes,” “No,” and “Maybe” Vignettes

  Negotiate Before You Play

  Response from Others

  Healthy Risks

  Sex Guide Exercises

  chapter eight - Partner Sex

  The Good, the Bad, and…the Pleasurable?

  Choosing Sexual Partners

  Let’s Talk About Sex

  How to Meet Sexual Partners

  Flirting and Kissing

  Go Out There and Have Fun!

  Sex Guide Exercises

  chapter nine - Oral Sex

  Cunnilingus

  The How-to’s of Cunnilingus

  Fellatio

  The How-to’s of Fellatio

  Rimming

  The How-to’s of Rimming

  Safer Oral Sex

  Sex Guide Exercises

  chapter ten - Penetration

  Vaginal Penetration

  The How-to’s of Vaginal Penetration

  Anal Penetration

  The How-to’s of Anal Penetration

  Safer Penetration

  Penetration and Triggers

  Sex Guide Exercises

  chapter eleven - Embracing Triggers

  What Is a Trigger?

  Map to Recovery

  Embracing Triggers: This Way Out

  Trigger Plan and Tools

  Tell It Like It Is: Communication and Triggers

  Safewords

  Troubling Desire

  Healing Triggers Outside of Partner Sex

  Taking a Break from Sex

  Sex Guide Exercises

  chapter twelve - The Emotions of Healing: You Gotta Feel Your Way Out of This

  You Have to Feel It to Heal It

  The Five Stages of Emotions

  Emotional Centering

  Emotional Sourcing

  Emotional Healing

  Being Witnessed in Your Emotions

  Sex Guide Exercises

  chapter thirteen - S/M, Role-Playing, and Fantasy

  S/M 101: Consent, Power, Sensation

  Exploring the Edges

  S/M and Survivors

  S/M as “Acting Out” Abuse

  Vanilla Role-Playing

  Fantasy

  Sex Guide Exercises

  chapter fourteen - Sex Toys and Accoutrements

  Vibrators

  Dildos and Harnesses

  Anal Toys

  Lubricants

  S/M and Bondage Toys

  Toys, Safer Sex, and Cleaning

  Erotic Books and Videos

  Phone Sex

  Cyber Sex

  Your Play Toys

  Sex Guide Exercises

  chapter fifteen - Spiritual Sexuality

  Tantra

  Yoni Massage

  Sacred Masturbation and Ceremony

  Learning More

  Sex Guide Exercises

  chapter sixteen - Intimacy and Self-Forgiveness

  Combining Intimacy and Sex: Turning up the Heat

  Self-Forgiveness

  Self-Trust and Compassion

  Do I Deserve Pleasure?

  Self-Permission

  Sex Guide Exercises

  chapter seventeen - Partnering with Survivors of Sexual Abuse

  It’s Not Your Fault

  No Saviors, No Patients

  Take Care of Yourself

  Expand Your Sexual Repertoire

  You Get to Change, Too

  Survivors as Partners

  Sex Guide Exercises

  chapter eighteen - Your Powerful Sexual Self: Who Are You Becoming?

  chapter nineteen - Bibliography and Resources

  CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE

  RELATIONSHIPS - Books

  ADDICTION AND RECOVERY - Recovery Resources, Organizations, and Hotlines

  SOMATIC HEALING

  SEX-POSITIVE SEX INFORMATION

  Index

  About the Author

 

 

 


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