The Big Bad Wolf Tells All

by Donna Kauffman

  Tanzy tried not to shudder. “Well, now your dreams can come true, can’t they? But we need to get rid of that.” She nodded to the gun, as if it were merely some insignificant nuisance. She wiggled her fingers. “Just hand it to me. Then we can begin making our plans.”

  Margaret stared at the gun, then into Tanzy’s eyes. “I wanted to wait until all the changes were final,” she rasped out. “I—but then you wrote about the wolves at your door. And I couldn’t wait. You needed me.”

  Tanzy had no idea what she was rambling about now. But her wrist had gone limp and the gun was drooping. Just as she stepped in to take it away from her, Riley came into the room.

  “I survived, but just bare—” He paused, obviously surprised to find her with a guest, but just as obviously unable to see the gun being pointed at her, what with Margaret and her big honking hat blocking the way.

  Margaret jumped at the sound of his voice and spun around just as Tanzy made a lunge for the gun.

  “You!” she shrieked.

  Riley’s eyes went wide and he immediately lowered his shoulder and charged forward.

  “No!” Tanzy shouted. Milliseconds of time passed, but it was plenty long enough for her to imagine a bullet ripping through his chest.

  “Stop!” Margaret commanded, suddenly lunging and dragging Tanzy up against her side.

  As it turned out, the barrel seemed even bigger when it was jammed into her temple. And Margaret was not only a big woman, she was a strong woman. But it wasn’t until she pulled Tanzy around in front of her that Tanzy got the biggest surprise of all.

  Margaret wasn’t a lesbian.

  Not technically. At least not until she/he had that “last step” performed anyway.

  “He’s ruining everything,” Margaret—or whatever his/her name really was—whispered viciously. “Tell him,” he commanded Tanzy. “Tell him how you feel about men. You call them wolves, but we both know they’re really dogs. Taking their pleasure, rutting on us like animals, then walking away.” His grip tightened at her throat, cutting off her air. “It sickens me and I’ve hated the curse I’ve been saddled with all these years.” He leaned down, pressing his mouth closer to her ear. “But not for long. It won’t be like that for us. Don’t you see? I’m the perfect one for you. I’ve known it for a long time.” He jerked Tanzy’s head back with a forearm across her throat and stared, crazed, at Riley. “All. Mine.”

  Riley stood motionless just inside the door. He looked directly into Tanzy’s eyes. Spots were dancing around the edges of her vision, but she focused on Riley’s face, his gaze.

  Trust me.

  She couldn’t have heard him any more clearly if he’d actually spoken the words aloud.

  She clenched her fists, fighting for air, only then realizing she had reflexively grabbed something from the counter when Margaret/whoever lunged for her. It was one of the Jack and Jill salt and pepper shakers.

  Wonderful, she thought blindly. I can season him to death.

  She couldn’t even move enough to give Riley the barest of nods. She could only hope he’d read the same message in her eyes. He was focused exclusively on Margaret now. Since she—he—was the one holding the deadly weapon, Tanzy was perfectly fine with that. She wished there was some way to signal to Riley that Margaret was really a Mike, but since there was a gun involved, it probably didn’t really matter the gender of the person holding it.

  Bullets. The great equalizers.

  She had a fleeting thought to expand on that in one of her columns. She could title it “Gender Equality: Guns at Work & at Play,” which was proof right there that she was close to passing out.

  “I just wanted to make sure she was in good hands,” Riley said, slowly straightening, visibly relaxing his six-foot frame and once again adopting the ultimate neutral sheep voice he’d employed what seemed like a lifetime ago. “I can see you’re quite capable of handling her.”

  He lifted his hands slowly, palms out, and stepped carefully away, so his back was actually just outside the door.

  Man Margaret mercifully eased up on Tanzy’s throat, but then slowly stroked the gun barrel down the side of her face. It took the last remaining shreds of Tanzy’s willpower not to throw up, or pass out, at the look Margaret beamed down at her. “Yes. Yes, I can.”

  “Put the gun down.”

  Margaret and Tanzy looked back at him at the same time.

  He had crossed the room and was now pointing a gun that made Man Margaret’s look like a toy.

  Tanzy decided right then and there that she was perfectly happy with Sheep Riley for the rest of her life. Because she could go an awfully long time without ever seeing him handle a gun again. Or, more to the point, in a situation where handling a gun was his only option.

  “You don’t want to do that,” Margaret warned.

  Then he made the mistake of pointing the gun at Riley.

  And Tanzy acted. She didn’t even think it through. If she had, she’d have realized they all could have died in a hail of bullets. But seeing that gun aimed point-blank at Riley’s heart was the last straw.

  Up came the hand with the pepper, which she tossed in Margaret’s eyes at the same instant that she brought the spike heel of her four-hundred-dollar Manolo Blahniks directly up into his soon-to-be-removed balls. “Let me help you out with that,” Tanzy grunted.

  Margaret howled, a gun went off. Tanzy went flying as Margaret flung her off and crumpled to the ground, cupping his unwanted family jewels. She took a hit in the ribs from the counter, and found her balance just in time to see Riley kick the gun from Margaret’s hand and pin him facedown on the inlaid Italian marble floor.

  “You okay?” he shouted.

  “Yeah,” she panted, holding her side. “You?”

  “Yeah. Dial 911.”

  “Already done.” Millicent, white-faced and looking every one of her eighty-two years, stood at the door with her hand pressed to her chest. Martin stood just behind her.

  “Dear Lord,” she said, voice shaking. But a moment later she miraculously pulled herself together, then turned to face the gathering crowd in the hall behind her. “Everyone return to the parlor. Everything is fine.”

  Martin still stood there, a shocked expression frozen on his face.

  “Was that a gunshot?” someone asked from the hallway behind him.

  Mercifully Millicent took Martin’s arm and guided him back to the rest of the group. “Champagne cork,” she improvised. “We’re going to toast the mother-to-be.” She even managed a smile. “We have sparkling grape juice for those who can’t imbibe.” She motioned everyone into the formal parlor. “I’ll be in momentarily with the glasses.”

  Tanzy didn’t know which stunned her more, the events of the past fifteen minutes or Millicent’s amazing performance. Millicent turned back to face them, and Tanzy realized her great-aunt wasn’t as pulled together as she seemed. “Are you both truly all right?” She looked at Riley. “I—I thought you said it was over.”

  “We did,” Tanzy managed. “I—I thought it was Martin.”

  “Martin? But I told Riley he’d never—”

  “It’s a long story,” Tanzy said, stumbling her way over to Riley, who’d bound Margaret’s hands with a cord he’d cut off the blender.

  Margaret wasn’t writhing or moaning. In fact, she seemed to be rather unconscious.

  “I might have hit her head a bit too hard on the floor when I pinned her.” Riley’s expression wasn’t exactly filled with remorse. “But she’ll live.” To Millicent he said, “I owe you a new appliance, Ms. Harrington.” He rose unsteadily to his feet.

  “Nonsense,” she said, coming into the room and pulling both Tanzy and Riley close. “You just saved my girl here.”

  “Actually, she saved herself,” Riley said, the first hint of a smile coming back to his face. “I was just the token male.”

  “Actually,” Tanzy said, smiling for the first time as she looked at the unconscious form trussed up on the kitchen floor, “you
might be surprised about that.”

  Hours later, Riley finally had Tanzy all to himself. The police had gone. The remaining guests had been released. Martin had gone home, but not until after a full explanation. Tanzy and her girlfriends had huddled in the front parlor for the duration of the questioning. Mariel had thankfully managed to not give birth and had, despite it all, tearfully thanked them for a wonderful day.

  But now they were all gone. And Riley had clearance to take Tanzy home. The only question remaining was which home she wanted to go to.

  “I still can’t believe Martin thought I’d called him here to tell him I was leaving MainLine for national newspaper syndication.” She laughed. “I mean, when you think about what he said—” She shook her head. “I can’t believe I thought—” She couldn’t finish.

  Martin had blushed fiercely when Tanzy had explained their suspicions. Thankfully, having witnessed Margaret’s actions, he realized what kind of duress Tanzy had been under, and harbored no hard feelings that she’d suspected him. In fact, now that it was all said and done, he’d even admitted to being a bit flattered that she’d think him capable of a midlife affair. On another positive note, upon seeing how close Riley and Tanzy had come to not having a relationship to even begin, he’d vowed to go straight home and do whatever it took to convince Giselle to go into marriage counseling with him.

  “I think saying this has been one hell of a day is the understatement of the century,” Riley said. Now that all had been revealed, solved, and taken care of, at least until a trial date was set, it was slowly sinking into his rattled brain that his job here was over. Which meant his professional need to be around Tanzy twenty-four/seven had also come to an end.

  So he just had to come up with another reason to stick close.

  Millicent stepped into the upstairs office, where Riley was packing up the last of his gear. She reached out her hands and Tanzy climbed out of the recliner chair and went immediately into her arms.

  “Thank God it’s all over,” Millicent said.

  “I’m so sorry to have brought this here,” Tanzy said, for what had to be the dozenth time.

  And for the dozenth time, Millicent tsked her silent. After another hug, she held Tanzy back at arm’s length. “Perhaps I have something else to be thankful for this holiday season. You know I’ve always believed in letting you chart your own course. And that hasn’t changed. You’ve said, however, that you wanted to get a bit involved with the Harrington holdings. I would greatly enjoy that. But I have a similar request.”

  “You do?”

  “I very much enjoyed being part of today’s festivities. Well, all but that last bit of business anyway. I enjoy your friends and enjoy seeing you with them. I—I don’t know how to say this without sounding like an old woman horning in where she isn’t wanted, but . . . well, I’d like us to spend more time together. Perhaps I could attend one of your show tapings.”

  Tanzy grinned. “Really? I’d be delighted.”

  Millicent sighed, as if greatly relieved. As if she thought anyone could deny her anything, Riley thought privately.

  “Well then,” she said, uncustomarily at a loss for words. “That’s lovely, then, isn’t it?” Quite customarily, she regrouped quickly. “I think with all our talk of family and the past, I’ve realized that perhaps we’ve given each other a bit too much distance. I did it out of respect, not any lack of love, but—”

  “Oh, Aunt Millie,” Tanzy said, voice wavering as she pulled her great-aunt into her arms once again. “I love you, too.”

  Millicent was so pleased, she didn’t even mention the dreaded use of the forbidden nickname. “Well then,” she said, wiping some suspicious moisture from her own eyes. “I suppose I’ll let you two finish packing up. Perhaps we can see one another over the holidays.”

  Riley chose that moment to step forward. Millicent had already cornered him and made certain he knew how profusely grateful she was for all he’d done. She’d made it clear Parrish Securities would be put forth for employment possibilities with everyone she knew. So Riley had been forced to tell her about his very recent decision to retire from the security business.

  He hadn’t even told Tanzy yet. But if Millicent’s reaction to his newly decided career direction was any indication . . . Well, he just hoped Tanzy took the news half as well. He didn’t want to think about how Finn was going to handle it. Of course, he had a sneaking suspicion that with Jacqueline in the picture, his father’s working days were numbered anyway. And if he had to sell the house to make both their dreams come true, then he’d gladly do it.

  A house was just a house. He looked at Tanzy and realized that home was simply wherever she was going to be.

  “I’m supposed to have dinner Christmas night with my father and a friend of his,” Riley told Millicent. “But I’d love it—” He took Tanzy’s hand. “We’d love it, if you would come with us, also.”

  Tanzy’s look of surprise changed swiftly to one of approval. “Please,” she said.

  Momentarily surprised by the invitation, Millicent also beamed. “Why, I’d be delighted. Do you have a place picked out already? Because I’d be more than delighted to host—”

  Both Tanzy and Riley spoke at the same time. “No, that’s okay.” They shared a quick glance, then Tanzy said, “You’ve done so much already, what with this lavish bash for Mariel. We couldn’t possibly impose.”

  The sage and sharp Millicent came back to the forefront as she stared them both down. She didn’t even need the monocle. Finally she smiled and folded her hands together. “Fine, then. Just ring me with the details and I’ll be there with bells on.”

  With a last kiss to Tanzy’s cheek, as well as one on Riley’s, she waltzed to the door. “I’ve got to see to the cleaning crew. It’s quite the mess down there.”

  Once she was gone, Riley immediately pulled Tanzy into his arms. They simply stood like that, foreheads pressed together, for a long moment.

  Finally, when he thought he could kiss her without consuming her whole, Riley leaned in and took his time with her mouth. She was smiling when he lifted his head.

  “That’s what I wanted to see.” Color was starting to come back into her cheeks. “I—” He still couldn’t put it into words, the emotions that had rocked him when he’d seen that gun at her temple. He pulled her tightly against his chest. “I don’t want us to go through anything like that ever again.”

  “Me, either,” Tanzy said, her words muffled against his chest. She leaned back, cupped his face and looked into his eyes. “I’m thinking I liked my Sheep Man better. He didn’t pack heat.”

  He smiled then, bumped his hips against hers. “I don’t know, I’m feeling a little hot.”

  Her lips twitched. “Imagine that.”

  Riley’s smile faded. “I’ve got something to tell you.”

  Tanzy’s smile faded, too. Along with what little color she’d recovered. “What is it?”

  “Well, I haven’t talked to Finn yet. Although, as it happens, I have told Millicent. But I had no choice.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “My job. I’m quitting it.”

  Tanzy fell against him, heaving a sigh of relief. “Oh, thank God.”

  “Did you hate it that much?” he said, half laughing at her response. “And do you even want to know what I will be doing?”

  “It wasn’t that, although I must say I could go the rest of my life being perfectly happy knowing you aren’t carrying a gun, much less ever in a position to have to use it.”

  “The rest of your life, huh?”

  She nodded, quite seriously.

  “So, if it wasn’t my job, why the relief?”

  “It was just when you made that ‘I have something to tell you’ statement, you sounded so ominous. I’ve been racking my brain trying to come up with some reason to keep you around, now that you’ll be moving on to another stakeout and all.” She stopped, laughed. “Except I guess you won’t have another stakeout, will yo
u?”

  He shook his head, doing everything he could to keep from pumping his fist and whooping for joy. So, she wanted to keep him around, huh? He might just be able to manage that.

  “With everything going on, I haven’t been able to think real clearly about anything. Except for one thing.” She wrapped her arms around his waist. “I don’t want this to be over. Not now. Not after Christmas. Just . . . not.”

  “Well, I do have a perfectly good reason to stick around.”

  “You do?”

  “First you must pass one important test.”

  “Oh God, it’s a sports question, isn’t it? You told me there wouldn’t be any quizzes after we watched that game together.”

  “You didn’t watch the game, you watched a bunch of men in shorts and bulging biceps run up and down the court.”

  She grinned. “I was that obvious, huh?”

  “Just a little.”

  She patted his butt. “Well, if I’d seen you in those tight football pants, I’d have hollered for you to shoot from the outside, too.”

  Riley just sighed. It was only the beginning of playoffs. He could get her up to speed by the Super Bowl. Okay, maybe by next year’s Super Bowl.

  “But it is a sports question. Sort of.”

  “The Lakers have cuter butts. But the Nets have bigger biceps.”

  He had to laugh. “No, that wasn’t it.”

  “Damn,” she said. “I just used up my entire font of sports trivia knowledge.”

  “What would you think, given your depth of love for the game, about hanging out with a guy who coaches college ball?”

  Tanzy’s eyes went wide. “Really? Where?”

  “Here. At SFSU. It’s not a done deal yet. But I’m meeting with them next week.” He just held on as she jumped up and down, still holding his waist. “It doesn’t pay all that well, but—”

  She stopped instantly and looked at him. “Now it’s your turn to answer a question. Do you honestly think that makes any difference to me? Did I ever—”

  “No. But it means I might have to sell the house.”