A Million Little Things--A Novel

by Susan Mallery

  They went into the kitchen. Jen started making tea as Zoe unpacked the scones.

  “Tell me what’s going on with you,” Jen said. “How’s work? How’s the house? The barbecue was great, by the way. We had such a good time.”

  “I’m glad. I’m doing okay.”

  “Just okay?”

  Zoe sat at the kitchen table. “I don’t know what to do about my life.”

  “Oh, is that all?”

  Zoe smiled. “Yeah, yeah, dramatic much? I get it.” She sighed. “I don’t know if I made the right decision to give up teaching. I don’t want to go back, but I sure don’t like what I’m doing now. It’s boring and I feel really isolated.”

  Jen poured boiling water into the teapot, then carried it over to the table. She’d already set out cups and saucers, along with a tea strainer.

  “Plus, you thought you and Chad would be married by now, right? Maybe with you pregnant?”

  Zoe had to admit that was true—even if now she couldn’t imagine why she’d stayed with Chad as long as she had. “I don’t know why I thought he was the one. I let him lead me on for years. I was an idiot.”

  “You were giving him the benefit of the doubt. Any second thoughts about dumping him?”

  “No,” Zoe said firmly. “We are totally done. I swear. I don’t hate him. I don’t miss him. I wish him a really good life. Just not with me.”

  “I’m so glad. I never liked him.”

  But being a good friend, she wouldn’t have said that before. “My dad told me the same thing last weekend. Apparently it was a fan club of one.”

  Jen picked up a white chocolate chip scone and broke it in half. “I saw you hanging out with Steven at the barbecue. Are you seeing him?”

  “Sort of. Maybe. Yes.” Zoe ducked her head. “Is that too weird?”

  “That you’re dating my brother? No. Before Dad died, I would have warned you off. He was not into relationships. But he’s different now. More settled. I think you two would be an interesting couple.”

  “Interesting?”

  Jen grinned. “Yes. And fun. Because everyone wants to be the fun couple, but so few of us can be.”

  Zoe laughed. This was the Jen she enjoyed. The friend who was interested in everyone around her. The woman who was more than just Jack’s mother.

  “How are you feeling?” Zoe asked. “Better?”

  Jen’s smile faded. “No. Kirk and I are fighting. I know you didn’t tell him about coming by with Mom, but it’s like he was in the room. He’s on me to put Jack in day care a couple of days a week. He thinks I should go back to work.”

  “What do you think?”

  “I miss teaching, but how could I leave Jack in one of those places? I want to be the one he spends his time with.”

  “I don’t know enough about babies to have an opinion on that,” Zoe said carefully, not wanting to upset their renewed connection. “Do toddlers need socialization with other kids?”

  “Yes.” Jen sounded more frustrated than happy. “It’s an important part of development. So I need him in a playgroup. I just can’t find one I like. My mom is the only one I trust to take care of him for me. And I doubt she’s going to be willing to do that more than she is now. She’s busy all the time.”

  “So do you want to go back to work?” Zoe asked.

  “I miss teaching. I miss my students.”

  Jen had been an elementary teacher when Zoe had met her.

  “What about you?” Jen asked. “Is middle school English calling you back?”

  “God, no. I can’t imagine dealing with that again. But there are elements of teaching I do miss. Maybe I’d like younger kids or older kids more.” She took a bite of her scone. “I’m thinking of substitute teaching.”

  “You’re certainly qualified. It would give you the chance to try different ages and figure out if you want to go back. But it can be a pretty thankless task.”

  “I’m still considering. What are you going to do?”

  Jen sighed. “I have no idea. I worry about Kirk and me. I blame Lucas.”

  “Kirk’s partner? Why?”

  “He’s got all these young chickies in his life. God knows what he’s telling Kirk.” Jen’s eyes filled with tears. “What if he’s having an affair?”

  “Kirk loves you. He’s not the kind of guy to do that.” Zoe was sure Kirk had plenty of flaws—everyone did—but she knew how much he loved his wife and son.

  “His work is stressful. He’s out of touch for hours at a time. He could be doing anything.”

  “Have you talked about this with him?” Zoe asked.

  Jen wiped her eyes. “You mean sat him down and had a rational conversation? Why on earth would I want to do that?”

  Zoe smiled. “Being mature is a real bitch, isn’t it?”

  “Tell me about it.” Jen sniffed, then reached for a second scone. “Thank you for being my friend.”

  “Back at you.”

  * * *

  Pam counted down the minutes until her Pilates class finished. She’d been out of sorts for two days now and she knew the reason. The problem was—who could she talk to? She’d finally settled on her friend Shannon. They’d known each other for several years. Shannon had totally been there for her when John had died and, more important, she trusted both Shannon’s advice and discretion.

  Nicole released them from the plank position and instead of sagging to the floor, Pam scrambled to her feet. Yes, yes, her muscles were whimpering, but she had more important things to worry about. Like getting some advice. Luck was on her side—Zoe hadn’t come to the class, which meant Pam didn’t have to worry about her overhearing, or wanting to go out for a late lunch. Not that Pam didn’t like spending time with Zoe, but Miguel was her father. Talk about complicated.

  Shannon, a successful fortysomething who had married for the first time a year and a half ago, walked over. “You were on a tear today. Feeling our oats, are we?”

  Pam shook her head. “I need to talk to you about something. Do you have a few minutes before you have to be at work?”

  “Of course. Let me get changed and then you can drive me back to my office. There’s a coffee place in the lobby.”

  “Perfect.”

  Ten minutes later they were making the short drive to Shannon’s office building. Although Pam hadn’t changed back into street clothes, she had brought a long tunic top to pull over her exercise outfit, so she wasn’t totally out of place.

  They placed their orders at the coffee shop, then waited for the lattes to be made. Once they had their drinks, they retreated to a couple of chairs in the lobby. Shannon faced her.

  “So what’s up?”

  “Nothing bad,” Pam said quickly. “Everyone is fine. It’s just...” She drew in a breath. “Remember Zoe who came to class a couple of weeks ago?”

  “Sure. Jen’s friend.”

  “We’ve been hanging out some and I went to a party at her house. Her dad was there.”

  Shannon grinned. “How very age-appropriate. I see where this is going.”

  “How can you? I didn’t.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “Miguel, her father, is a very handsome man.” Pam explained about his role with Saldivar tequila. “He’s traveled all over the world, he’s...” She clutched her coffee. “It actually doesn’t matter about him because he’s not the point.”

  Shannon’s lips twitched in obvious amusement. “What is the point?”

  “We went out to dinner. I thought he wanted to ask me about Zoe or something.”

  “I love you so much,” Shannon told her. “You are always entertaining.”

  “Stop it! This is important.” Pam stared at her intently. “Brace yourself.”

  “I’m braced.”
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  “Fine. When we were done, he told me it was a date! And then he kissed me.”

  “That bastard!”

  Pam glared at her friend. “You’re not taking this seriously.”

  “That would be true.”

  “You have to. This is significant. I don’t date.”

  “All evidence to the contrary.”

  Pam felt frustration building inside of her. “You’re not listening.”

  “I’m hanging on your every word.” Her tone gentled. “I get you’re upset, but where’s the bad here? A handsome man took you to dinner and then kissed you. To me, that sounds like fun. You’re single. He’s single. Why not enjoy the ride?”

  “I’m...” Pam pressed her lips together and did her best to keep from shrieking. “I’m not single.”

  Shannon touched her arm. “You’re not married. You’re a widow. Yes, John was a wonderful man and you were lucky to be with him, but he’s been gone a long time. It’s okay to—”

  “If you say ‘move on,’ I swear I’ll throw this coffee in your face.”

  “No, you won’t.”

  “I won’t. But I’m not dating. And I’m not single. I’m never getting married again. I wouldn’t do that to John.”

  “Okay. That’s fine, but there’s an entire universe between a first date and marriage.” Her friend scooted closer. “Pam, you could live for another forty years. Don’t you want to think about the possibility that you might want to share a few of those years with someone?”

  “No.”

  Shannon continued as if she hadn’t spoken. “I’m not suggesting Miguel is ‘the one.’” She made air quotes with one hand. “But he sounds like a great place to start exploring the possibilities.”

  Pam couldn’t have been more shocked if Shannon had suddenly started singing in Russian. “What about John?”

  “Don’t you think he would want you to be happy?”

  “Not with someone else.”

  Shannon sipped her coffee before saying, “Really? John would want you to be alone?”

  Pam sucked in a breath, then exhaled. “I can’t think about this. I’m not going to date anyone.”

  “Aren’t you lonely? Ever? Don’t you miss having a man in your life?”

  Yes, of course. But the man she wanted was her husband. And if she couldn’t have him... Well, maybe she didn’t want to say she wouldn’t be interested in anyone ever, but it was too soon. Years too soon for her to be thinking about dating.

  “I’m not ready,” she amended. “And if I were, I wouldn’t want to see Miguel. He’s too...”

  “Handsome? Sexy? Experienced?”

  “Yes. I want someone more...”

  “Like you?”

  “Maybe.”

  “Then go find him. In the meantime, practice on Miguel. He can be your starter boyfriend.”

  Pam drew back. “I’m too old to have a boyfriend.”

  “Apparently not.” Shannon grinned. “So how was the kiss?”

  Pam thought about the brief, warm pressure. “Nice,” she admitted.

  “Any tongue?”

  She groaned. “I swear I can’t take you anywhere.”

  “And yet, you love me.”

  “That I do.”

  * * *

  The detailed workings of advanced MRI screening machines required Zoe’s complete concentration. A little after eleven in the morning, she took a break. Mason was stretched out in the sun, basking, as he always did. She stepped over him and headed for the kitchen to make tea. While the water heated, she would walk around her backyard, which would almost qualify as exercise. Now that she was doing Pilates two days a week, she found herself thinking she should move more in her regular life.

  She’d barely made it to the kitchen when the doorbell rang. She glanced at her cat. “Is that the UPS guy? Did you go online and order cat toys, young man? I thought we talked about that.”

  Mason barely twitched an ear.

  “I remember when you hung on my every word,” she joked as she pulled open the door. But instead of the UPS guy, Chad stood on her front porch. Chad whom she hadn’t seen since the stupid sex incident.

  “Hey, Zoe.”

  He was about six feet, with reddish-blond hair and a winning smile. She remembered how that smile had hit her when they’d first met, on the shoulder of the 405 freeway. Now, as she took in his familiar features, she braced herself for the onslaught of emotions sure to follow.

  There was surprise—which was to be expected. A vague sense of why now, followed by...nothing. She inhaled and checked again. There was nothing.

  “Chad.” She leaned against the door. “Why are you here?”

  He wore a white T-shirt and jeans. Clothes he would change out of at work where he wore a uniform. She had always loved him in jeans and a T-shirt. They were sexy and so everyman. Today she would admit he looked good, but her heart wasn’t racing and she didn’t feel those low-in-the-belly tingles anymore. How unexpected. It seemed she might actually be over him.

  “I want to talk,” he said. “Zoe, aren’t you going to let me in?”

  Making him stand outside made more of a statement than she wanted, so she moved aside. Mason raised his head, stared at Chad for a second, then relaxed and closed his eyes, as if dismissing the man. Mason had always been an excellent judge of character.

  Zoe deliberately sat in one of the living room chairs instead of the sofa. She didn’t want Chad too close.

  “How can I help you?” she asked.

  He frowned. “That’s kind of cold. Are you punishing me?”

  “I’m working. You dropped by unexpectedly. We’re not involved anymore and I don’t know why you’re here so I’m asking what’s going on.”

  “You’re still angry.”

  “I’m not.” Far from it. She was kind of happy about her lack of reaction.

  He sat with his elbows resting on his thighs, his hands hanging loose. “I miss you. I miss us. I want us to get back together. Just tell me what that will take and I’ll do it.”

  She crossed her legs. She hadn’t seen this coming and didn’t know what to do with the information. She wasn’t happy to hear any of it. There was no sense of relief or excitement. Yet more proof that she’d moved on.

  Time really did heal. Or maybe it was more than that. Maybe there hadn’t been that much to get over. Because looking back, she could see that she and Chad hadn’t had much of a relationship.

  “Are you going to say something?” he asked impatiently. “You’ve left me hanging here.”

  “What does get back together mean?” she asked, curious as to what he was offering. “You’d come over a few nights a week. We’d hang out, have sex, then you’d go back to your place?”

  “What’s wrong with that?” His voice was cautious, as if he sensed a trap but couldn’t quite see it.

  “Nothing. It’s what we always did.” She turned the information over in her head. “That’s all we did. We rarely went to the movies or even out to eat. We never traveled together.”

  “It’s hard for me to get away. I have work and the kids.”

  “Right, and they take all your vacation days. And it’s not as if I could have gone along. I mean, they barely knew me.”

  He scowled. “Are you going to keep bringing that up? You’ve met them. Why isn’t that enough? They have to deal with the divorce. They’re still adjusting.”

  She didn’t point out it had been almost two years. That whatever was happening between their parents, they were used to it now. Because this wasn’t about the kids. It never had been.

  “We never had a relationship, Chad. That’s my fault as much as yours. We didn’t do anything together. We didn’t have couple friends. Our relationship was dinner and sex and very
little else. I have no idea why I never saw that before.”

  “Is this about getting married?” he asked, then shook his head. “You’re obsessed with getting married.”

  “I’m not. It was never about the ring, Chad, it was about commitment. It was about being a part of each other’s lives.” The argument was so familiar. Whenever she tried to take things to the next level, he always deflected her in one way or another.

  “And here you are, doing it again. Oh, my God. You’ve been doing it for years.” She was talking out loud, but more to herself than him. “I would push for something and you would distract me with a different argument. Usually about how I was obsessed with getting married. I got embarrassed and immediately pulled back. The argument ended and life went on.”

  She couldn’t believe she hadn’t seen that before. “You don’t want a relationship. You want a Zoe compartment in your life. An easy booty call with a bonus dinner. Worse, I allowed you to have that. I didn’t demand more. Because here’s the thing. I’m not wrong to want someone who actually wants to be involved with my life. Maybe it’s not what you want, and that’s fine, but you don’t get to make me feel bad about what’s important to me.”

  She stood. A sense of empowerment left her almost light-headed. Chad grimaced.

  “You’re not making any sense.”

  She looked at him. Six months ago she would have sworn she loved this man. But the truth was he’d allowed her to be lazy. For too long, she’d let him be enough. Well, not anymore.

  “I don’t want to see you again, Chad. We don’t want the same things. I wish you every happiness, but it won’t be with me.”

  He stood. “You’re going to regret this,” he told her. “I was good to you.”

  She walked to the door and held it open. “Goodbye, Chad.”

  He looked like he was going to say something else, then shook his head and walked out. She closed the door behind him and glanced at Mason.

  “I think that was impressive, don’t you?”

  She got a tail flick in response.

  “I’m going to take that as a yes.”

  Chapter Nine

  Jen pulled into the parking lot of the Learning and Growing Day Care Center on Maness Avenue. The building was large and painted in bright, primary colors. There were trees and lawn and the sound of shrieking children in a big playground off to the side.