A Million Little Things--A Novel

by Susan Mallery

  She drew back her hand and told herself this wasn’t happening. Chad hadn’t just proposed.

  Marry him? There was no way. They couldn’t... She couldn’t...

  “Zoe?”

  “Chad, no. We’re not getting married.”

  “Why not?

  “For one thing, we don’t love each other. We didn’t have a relationship. We had something that was convenient to both of us.”

  “But you always wanted us to get married. You talked about it. You said it was why you bought this house.”

  Something she would always regret. Not the house—wanting to marry him. “Things have changed. I see now that I was wrong. You don’t love me. You don’t even want to give up your apartment. You never wanted anything more than what we had. You were right. We aren’t good together.”

  “But we’re having a baby. When a couple gets pregnant, they should get married.”

  Jeez, he sounded like her father. “That doesn’t change anything. I’m not marrying you, Chad. I’m sorry. You’re sweet to ask, but no.”

  He shifted back on the sofa, then stood. “I thought you’d want to.”

  “I don’t.”

  “I’m not giving up my kid. I want to see him or her.”

  She held in a sigh. Disappointing but not surprising. “I figured. You were always very devoted to your other children. We’ll figure out a parenting plan that works for both of us. It will be a little complicated while the baby is breast-feeding, but we’ll make it work.”

  He shook his head. “I thought this was what you wanted,” he repeated.

  “I know. I’m sorry.”

  “I was going to buy you a ring.”

  “I appreciate that.”

  “Is there someone else?” he asked.

  She nodded. “He’s a great guy. You’ll have to meet him at some point.”

  She thought there might be some kind of reaction but Chad only sighed. “My ex remarried over the holidays. What is it about you women and locking down some guy?”

  Zoe opened her mouth, then closed it. “Your ex-wife got married and you didn’t tell me?”

  “I didn’t think it was important.”

  But they’d been together when it had happened. He should have—

  She mentally put on the brakes. Not her problem, she reminded herself. None of this was anymore. Chad would always be Chad. It was why she wasn’t with him anymore.

  She rose and crossed to the door. “We’ll talk again soon. I’ll get the parenting plan started with my lawyer. I don’t know if you want representation, as well. You should probably think about it.” She thought about mentioning the fact that she wouldn’t want him in the delivery room with her, but they were a long way from that happening. Months and months. Anything could happen. Well, anything except her getting back together with Chad.

  He walked to the open front door and stepped onto her porch. “You’re sure?”

  “I am. I’ll talk to you later.”

  “Okay.”

  She didn’t wait to close the door. There was nothing left to say. When she heard his car drive away, she returned to her office and sat in front of her computer. But she didn’t start typing right away. Instead she leaned her head back to keep her tears at bay.

  She’d totally messed up. Everything about this pregnancy was so unexpected. She put her hand on her stomach.

  “Even you,” she whispered. Especially the baby. Still, there were blessings. A year ago, she would have jumped at Chad’s proposal. Talk about a disaster. She didn’t want to marry a man who talked about keeping his own apartment, not that his inability to fully commit was even the biggest problem. They didn’t love each other. She was pretty sure he’d never been in love with her at all. As for herself, she had no idea when her feelings had faded. All she knew was that they were gone now.

  She was going to have a baby and Chad was going to be the father. She couldn’t seem to escape either fact. There would be a parenting plan and visitation and child support. None of which pleased her, but it was the price of doing business, so to speak. Because she was having this baby.

  Her phone chirped. She glanced down at the screen and saw she had a text from Steven. It was a picture of a page for an organic seed catalog.

  The accompanying text read: Can’t wait to see you tonight. I’ll be the guy with the promise of butter lettuce.

  She laughed. Looking forward to it.

  She put down her phone. At least the Steven part of her life was going well, she thought. How could she resist a man who tempted her with organic lettuce seeds? It was physically impossible and she would be a fool to try.

  * * *

  Pam usually battled with mixed feelings when she left on a trip. Of course she was excited to see her friends and whatever the cruise ports would be, but she also felt a twinge at leaving her family behind. But this trip was different. With the exception of missing Lulu and her friends, she was grateful to be leaving Mischief Bay for three weeks. She needed the time away. Maybe being somewhere else for a while would help her clear her head.

  She’d texted all three of her children, reminding them of her trip. Brandon, who knew nothing about the Zoe issue, had responded with a friendly phone call. The other two had texted back, wishing her well, but nothing more. A far cry from their usual chitchat about where she was going and what she would be seeing.

  She knew that Steven and Jen were still upset with her, even though she was right and they were wrong. Well, fine. Let them stew while she was gone. Things would be different when she got home.

  She left her plane at JFK and walked toward baggage claim. Olimpia’s flight from Orlando was due in about the same time and they had arranged to meet up and share a cab to their hotel. Laura and Eugenia should have already arrived. In the morning the four of them would fly to Copenhagen where they would spend two days before boarding their ship.

  Pam found her two large bags, then checked her phone for a text from her friend. Olimpia was only a couple of carousels away. She sent a message back, explaining where she was and they started to walk toward each other.

  Pam spotted Olimpia first. At the sight of her friend, she felt her control start to slip. By the time they were hugging, Pam was in tears.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Everything’s a mess. Steven, Zoe, Miguel. It’s because of Zoe. Okay and maybe me. I’m the one who set her up with Steven. If I hadn’t done that, none of this would have happened. Of course if she hadn’t slept with Chad, things would have been okay, as well. I thought I was doing the right thing, but it’s a disaster.”

  Olimpia patted her back. “That’s quite a list. Let’s get a cab and you can tell me about it on the way to the city. We’ll meet up with the girls. You’ll feel better after cocktails.”

  “But I don’t know what to do.”

  “Pam, you’re going to Europe. You don’t have to do anything until you get home.”

  An hour later they arrived at the Peninsula Hotel in midtown. Pam had explained everything to Olimpia, including how the world seemed to be siding with Zoe, even though there was a very good chance she was going to break Steven’s heart.

  They checked into their rooms and agreed to meet in a half hour. Pam only bothered with one of her bags. She’d put everything she would need before the cruise in one case. The second suitcase would be unpacked on the ship.

  She went down to the Bar at Clement where she found her friends waiting for her. Based on their expressions, she knew that Olimpia had already shared her troubles. At least she didn’t have to go over it all again.

  “I don’t want to talk about my ridiculous family,” she announced. “How is everyone else?”

  “We’re good,” Eugenia said as they hugged.

  Laura shifted over to give Pam room on the b
ench seat, then scowled. “Dear God, you are in such good shape. It’s annoying. How often do you exercise?”

  “A few times a week.”

  She thought of the workouts at her friend Nicole’s studio. Workouts that Zoe had joined her for. Which probably wouldn’t be happening now. Pam felt a twinge of regret. Not that she wanted to be friends with Zoe anymore—she didn’t. But Pilates would be good for Zoe’s pregnancy. There was something so magical about seeing a woman’s body change and knowing there was a new life waiting inside. Bouncing back from a pregnancy was hard enough—if Zoe continued to practice Pilates, she would find it easier.

  Someone should tell her, she thought wistfully. Only Zoe’s mother had passed away and Pam wasn’t sure Jen would think to mention it. There were other things...

  Pam reminded herself she wasn’t on Zoe’s side anymore so she shouldn’t care about how well she did or didn’t do after her pregnancy. Still, if circumstances had been different, she would have enjoyed having another baby in her life. She loved them when they were newborns. That sweet smell, the way they relaxed so completely in her arms. There was nothing quite so wonderful as rocking a newborn.

  “Earth to Pam,” Laura said. “Are you still with us?”

  “What? Oh, sorry.” She looked at her friends. “What were we talking about?”

  “We were discussing our cocktail schedule,” Eugenia told her. “The cruise is just too dang long for us to have a single drink we depend on.”

  Olimpia looked amused. “Did you just say dang?”

  “My Texas is showing,” Eugenia said with a laugh. “Sorry. My gentleman friend and I have been spending more time together than usual and his accent rubs off on me. My point being, we need to rotate what we’re drinking.”

  “We’ll be in Russia for a few days.” Laura smiled. “We should definitely have a vodka-based drink. It’s only polite.”

  “We don’t have to decide now.” Olimpia looked around the table. “As long as we have our New York cocktail decided. Agreed?”

  They all nodded.

  “I believe it was my turn.” Eugenia drew in a breath. “Bellinis. Champagne is always appropriate, especially before a trip like the one we’re going on.”

  “Bellinis it is,” Laura said, and flagged the server.

  They placed their order. Their server left small bowls of nuts and olives for them. When he’d left, Olimpia glanced at them.

  “So how is everyone doing? Any news?”

  Laura shrugged. “I’m good. Pam, should we be worried about you, with everything going on?”

  “I’m fine. Just trying to figure things out.”

  “Poor Steven.” Laura’s expression was sympathetic. “He’s got some tough decisions to make. I know you’re staying neutral, but on the inside, you must be dying to tell him what you think.”

  Pam opened her mouth, then closed it. She realized that while she’d told Olimpia what was happening, she’d neglected to mention that she’d done more than simply listen. She’d hardly stayed neutral. She’d not only told Steven what to do, she’d fought with her daughter and ended things with Miguel. Or maybe he’d ended things with her. She wasn’t sure.

  “Obviously Steven needs to break things off with Zoe.” Eugenia shrugged. “I don’t mean to sound harsh, but there’s no way he wants to take on another man’s baby. Not if Chad’s going to stay around.” She looked at Pam. “Is he?”

  “That’s what I understand.”

  Before she could thank her friend for seeing things so clearly, Olimpia spoke up.

  “How can you say that?” Olimpia asked. “Break up with her? The pregnancy wasn’t her fault. It simply happened. And for that she should lose a wonderful man like Steven? Of course he’ll stay with her. If they care about each other, they’ll figure it out. Besides, he wasn’t raised to run from a problem like that. We all know Pam and what she believes. She’s an honest, fair, wonderful person. Steven has to be exactly the same. There’s no way he’s going to turn his back on Zoe.”

  While Pam appreciated the compliment, she wasn’t sure she deserved it. According to her children, she wasn’t very nice these days.

  Laura shifted in her seat. “Zoe did sleep with the ex. That’s kind of tacky.”

  “Agreed,” Olimpia said. “But come on, it happens. And she thought she was protected. Nothing Zoe did was irresponsible. We all talk about raising our children to be good people. To look past the superficial to the person inside.”

  “A baby isn’t superficial,” Eugenia pointed out. “It’s a life changer. Why would Steven want that?”

  “Why wouldn’t he? He’s a good guy. Yes, a baby complicates things, but so what? Are you saying if he met someone who was divorced and had a couple of kids you would tell him to run? Why is this different?”

  “She’s pregnant,” Laura said slowly. “I see your point and I get the divorced thing. How interesting that her being pregnant makes it seem like more of a complication. I can’t explain why.”

  It was as if her friends had become the voices in her head, Pam realized. They were having the argument for her.

  “My friend Shannon married a man with two children,” Pam said slowly. “There were adjustments but it’s working out.”

  “See.” Olimpia sounded triumphant. “Did you tell her to run from him?”

  “Of course not.” Pam remembered how difficult it had been for Shannon when she’d met Adam. Getting to know the children had been a challenge. But she’d gotten through it and now they were blissfully happy. Not to mention fostering five-year-old twin boys.

  She smiled. “In fact, Shannon keeps Lulu for me when I travel. My little girl is in doggy heaven with a whole pack of kids to boss around.”

  “Jen doesn’t...” Laura held up a hand. “Never mind. Until dogs come germfree and totally organic, she can’t have her around too much. I remember. My daughters would be so proud of her.”

  The Bellinis arrived. They each took one and raised them as they toasted each other.

  “To us,” Laura said. “And our wonderful trip.”

  They touched glasses and took a drink. Laura put hers down.

  “Do you think I’ll be able to find a pashmina anywhere we’re going? My black one is so tired. I would love something new and fresh.”

  “We’ve got an extra day in Copenhagen,” Eugenia said. “We’ll shop after we see the sights.”

  “I have a pale silver one I brought,” Pam told her. “You can borrow mine.”

  Laura grinned. “I’d be careful, if I were you. If I love it, I might not want to give it back.”

  They all laughed. Pam drew in a breath as she felt herself relaxing. These were her friends and they loved her. They had been there for her from the first day she’d met them. They supported her and trusted her. Only now she wasn’t completely sure that trust was warranted.

  While she hadn’t meant to keep the whole story from them, it seemed she had. They knew the facts, but not her reaction to them, and she couldn’t help wondering if they would like her just a little bit less if they knew everything that had happened.

  * * *

  Jen backed out of the driveway. She told herself that she didn’t have to go through with this. That she could change her mind. Only she knew she couldn’t—not really. Jack still refused to talk to her. He was loving, eager, happy and totally silent. As he’d chatted with his dad, Lucas and even the mailman, she knew that she was the problem. Which meant she had to be the solution. If only she didn’t feel as if she were seconds from having a panic attack.

  She ignored the tightness in her chest. Her medication should keep the symptoms at a manageable level, she told herself firmly. Which meant there was no reason not to move forward with her plan. Step one—get Jack into day care. To that end, she had an appointment with Rose. She would fill out
the paperwork and get Jack enrolled.

  “You okay?” Lucas asked from the passenger seat.

  “No, but I will be.”

  “It’s just day care.”

  “Children have died in day care.”

  “Exaggerate much?”

  She glared at him. “It’s happened. I’ve seen stories on the news.”

  “These are the same people who brought us alien landings, I’m sure.” He held up a hand. “Yes, it’s happened. Once, maybe twice. The odds are in your favor.” He grinned. “Actually I believe the correct phrase is may the odds be ever in your favor.” He chuckled at his own joke.

  “Yes, yes, very funny. You’ve quoted The Hunger Games. Later you can recite some lines from The Godfather and we’ll all have a good laugh.”

  “Someone’s a little high-strung this morning.”

  She was and she didn’t need him pointing that out to her.

  “I’m hungry,” Lucas said as she turned onto Choppy Avenue. “Let’s go to In-N-Out Burger. We have time.”

  “Are you insane? A burger place? Do you know what they serve there?”

  “Burgers?”

  She really, really wanted to slap him. Hard. The problem was she had a bad feeling Lucas would slap her back. Not only would that change things, but it would be a bad thing for Jack to see.

  She glanced in the rearview mirror and saw her son was calmly playing with his stuffed raccoon.

  “Jack doesn’t eat fast food.”

  “It’s a burger, Jen. Not rat poison. They serve good quality stuff.”

  “Like French fries.”

  “Yes, that’s a traditional accompaniment.”

  “Jack doesn’t eat fries.”

  “Poor kid.”

  She tightened her grip on the steering wheel. Despite her medication, she could feel her heart pounding. The familiar tightening began to coil around her chest. She hadn’t had a panic attack in over a week. They’d been lessening in strength and number. Why was she having one now?