A Million Little Things--A Novel

by Susan Mallery

  Five incredibly long minutes later, her phone rang.

  “Hello?”

  “Mrs. Beldon, I’m Dr. Wilson. I’m on call this weekend. Tell me about Jack.”

  “He’s not very responsive. I wanted to wait to give him anything. I’m wiping him with a cool, damp cloth, but didn’t know if I should start a bath or what.”

  “Take his temperature again, please.”

  She pulled the thermometer out of her jeans pocket and ran it across his forehead. “It’s 103.8.”

  “You’re going to have to take him to the emergency room. Can you do that or do you want to call an ambulance?”

  She thought about how far she had to go. “I’ll get there just as fast,” she said. “I’ll go now.”

  “Where are you going?”

  “Mischief Bay Memorial.”

  “I’ll call ahead and let them know you’re coming. They’ll be ready.”

  “Thank you.”

  Panic rushed in, but she ignored the sensation. No matter how bad she felt, she knew in her head she was breathing. She didn’t have time to worry about anything but Jack.

  She shoved her feet into shoes, grabbed her purse and then picked up Jack. His head rolled back as if he were unconscious. She did her best not to scream in fear and checked his breathing. His chest rose and fell and she could feel his hot breath on her cheek. She ran to the SUV and buckled him in his car seat.

  “Be okay, Jack, honey. I love you so much. Please be okay.”

  She opened the garage door, then backed out carefully. She didn’t want to get into an accident on the way to the hospital.

  The drive was less than three miles. She focused on her driving, even as she wanted to call Kirk. Better to do that from the hospital, she told herself. She had to get Jack to the doctors. Then he would be fine. Everything would be okay.

  She parked in front of the ER, ignoring the red zone. She pulled Jack from the car and ran inside. She saw the admitting station and raced over.

  “I’m Jen Beldon. My son, Jack, is twenty months old. He has a high fever and now he won’t wake up. Help me!”

  The woman behind the desk took one look at the limp child in Jen’s arms and immediately called for help. A nurse came running, a doctor right behind him. They took Jack from her and started down the hall. She followed.

  Once they were in the examination room, the doctor peppered her with questions. She pulled out her phone and read off the dates of Jack’s last immunizations. The nurse took his temperature while the doctor asked about allergies. They hooked up an IV and began meds and fluids, and took blood. A volunteer came in and asked for her car keys so she could move Jen’s car to the parking lot. Jen stepped into the hallway and got out her cell phone.

  Her hands were shaking so much that she had trouble pushing the button that automatically dialed Kirk’s number. When she finally got it to work, her call went directly to voice mail.

  “It’s me,” she said, her voice thick with tears. “I’m at the hospital. Mischief Bay Memorial. It’s Jack. He spiked a fever. We’re at the ER. Call me.”

  She hung up and tried Lucas, but was immediately put through to voice mail, as well. Which meant they were working somewhere they couldn’t get calls.

  She tried her brother, then Zoe, but no one answered. Her mother was in Europe.

  Jen returned to the small examination room and sat next to Jack. He looked so tiny, lying there. She touched his cheek and was relieved to feel a little less heat. The meds must be working. But why wouldn’t he wake up?

  The nurse came and checked on her every few minutes. The doctor returned to say they were checking his blood test.

  “At this point my best guess is some kind of virus,” the doctor told her. “We’ll know more soon.”

  Jen didn’t know how long she sat next to Jack, talking to him, praying for him. Her whole body hurt and she wrestled with more fear than she’d ever felt in her life. But she kept it together—she had to. She was all Jack had.

  Drama unfolded around them. She heard other people come into the ER. The staff wheeled equipment while technicians performed tests of all kinds. It was loud and busy and she wanted to be anywhere but here.

  After what felt like hours, Jack’s eyes opened. He turned his head and smiled at her.

  “Hey, you,” she whispered. “How are you doing? We’re in the hospital. You were sick but they’re going to make you better.”

  The nurse came in. “Look at that. He’s awake. Are you thirsty, honey? Want some water?”

  Jack nodded weakly. Jen helped him into a sitting position, then held the small cup while he took a couple of sips. She lowered him back down and held his tiny hand in hers.

  She opened the storybook app on her phone and read to him. About an hour later, the doctor returned to say they were looking at a viral infection rather than a bacterial one. By then, Jack’s fever had dropped below 101. She’d barely absorbed the news when Kirk called to say he was on his way.

  She assured him that Jack was okay, then went back to reading the story to her son.

  By the time Kirk and Lucas arrived, Jack was sitting up and playing with a couple of toys one of the nurses had brought in. He was still a little flushed, but obviously feeling better. Kirk rushed into the examination room and hurried over to her. He held her tight, then turned to Jack. Lucas followed him and Jen was surprised to find herself hugged tight by her husband’s partner.

  “How is he? What does the doctor say?”

  Jen brought them both up to date.

  “What about you?” Kirk asked anxiously. “Are you all right?”

  “I’m fine.”

  As she spoke, she realized that she was still shaky but she’d been telling the truth. She was fine. She’d gotten through the crisis on her own. She’d held it together, had taken the right steps. She’d been strong.

  Maybe her own medication and quiet mind time had helped. Maybe she’d muscled through because she was Jack’s mother and she’d done what she’d had to so she could save her son. At this point, she wasn’t sure it mattered. Knowing she was capable was its own kind of power.

  She wasn’t going to assume that all would be well now. That some miracle had healed her. There would still be challenges and moments when she wanted to curl up and keen. But knowing she could count on herself in a crisis was something she planned to hang on to for a very long time.

  * * *

  One of the great joys of coming home was being welcomed. As Pam wasn’t sure what Steven or Jen would say when they saw her, she took even more pleasure than usual in Lulu’s exuberant greeting. Her little dog danced around her when she picked her up at Shannon’s, crying and yipping, then huddled close on the drive home. She refused to be parted for even a second and jumped into the suitcase every time Pam took something out.

  “I’m not leaving,” she reassured her pet. “I’m back. That’s why things are coming out, not going in.”

  Lulu didn’t seem convinced and instead watched Pam with a steady stare.

  “I have guilt,” Pam admitted, picking her up for maybe the fourteenth time in as many minutes. “Does that make you feel better?”

  Lulu swiped her chin with a kiss, then snuggled close and sighed.

  “I’m glad we’re back together, too.”

  When she was done unpacking, she checked her email. A lot had piled up while she’d been gone. Although she’d had access to the internet on the ship, she hadn’t logged on after being hit by an email from Zoe. It had come in shortly after the cruise ship left Berlin and had kept Pam awake for more than a few nights. She’d been forced to consider what Steven’s girlfriend and someone she’d once called a friend had said.

  She cleared out the junk, then went through what was left. She had a couple of e-bills and a note from Filia,
wanting to set up an appointment as soon as Pam was able. Pam sent her back several dates, and then looked at Lulu.

  “No one has texted me,” she told the dog.

  Lulu watched her anxiously.

  “It’s fine. I get that everyone is busy. I’m not the center of the universe. But still...”

  Usually she heard from at least one of her children, welcoming her home. And there hadn’t been any more messages from Miguel. Not after their brief exchange in Berlin.

  Was it up to her? Should she be the one to get in touch with them? Should she—

  Her phone chirped. She picked it up and saw a text from Brandon. He asked about her trip and mentioned he wanted to come visit her later that fall. At least one of her children cared.

  She answered him, then made a list of what she was going to need at the grocery store. Not that she could go this afternoon. Lulu would freak out at being left alone and taking her into the grocery store would cause problems. People were very fussy about having dogs where they bought food. A reality Pam found annoying. Had they seen how dirty some children were?

  “Speaking of dirty,” she said as she picked up her dog. “Let’s get you a bath, little girl. Then we’ll get snuggly in our pajamas and have an early night. Tomorrow we’ll run errands and maybe go see Jen.”

  Lulu wagged her tail in agreement.

  In the morning Pam texted her daughter and asked if she could come by.

  You’re already back! Welcome home. For some reason I thought you weren’t getting in until this afternoon. Yes, please, come by. I could use the company.

  Pam picked up Lulu and headed for the door. “I’m guessing we have yet another crisis to deal with.”

  She collected the presents she’d bought, then they drove over to Jen’s. Pam carried her tote bag and Lulu up to the front door. Jen opened it before she got there and hugged her.

  “How are you?” her daughter asked. “How was your trip? I have to say, of all the cruises you’ve been on, that’s the one I envy most. All those great places. Maybe someday.”

  “We had a terrific time.” Pam set Lulu down. “I gave her a bath yesterday.”

  “On your first day back? You didn’t have to do that on my account.” Jen crouched down and patted Lulu. “How are you this morning, young lady? I’m sorry Jack isn’t here to play with.”

  It was only then that Pam realized Jen wasn’t holding her son. And her leaving him alone in a room was out of the question. “What? Where is he?”

  “Day care. He goes three mornings a week.”

  Pam felt her mouth drop open. “When did this happen? I’ve only been gone three weeks.”

  “I know. Come on. I’ll make you some coffee.”

  They went into the kitchen. Pam looked around and was surprised to find the counters weren’t as perfectly cleaned as usual and there was actually a stack of books on the coffee table in the family room.

  While the coffee brewed, Jen pulled a handful of cookies out of a plastic container and set them on a plate. The two of them sat at the table, while Lulu settled on the cushion of a third chair. Pam spent a few minutes talking about her trip.

  “I’m putting together a digital photo album that I’ll send you in a day or so,” Pam said. “I also have a few things for you and Kirk, and of course, Jack.”

  She got her tote bag and pulled out a large bottle of vodka. “I know, I know. Not a surprise, but we tasted a lot and this is very good. I got you these.”

  She set the Matryoshka on the table. The traditional Russian nesting dolls were hand painted with a beautiful floral design.

  “Oh, Mom, they’re amazing.” Jen unpacked the dolls and studied them. “I love them. Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome. This is for Jack. I bought it in Stockholm. It’s all organic. The wood is organic, the varnish is food grade.”

  She set the small, hand-carved car on the table. It was a simple curved design, with bright green wheels.

  “He’s going to have fun with this for sure,” Jen said, coming around the table and hugging her. “Thanks for thinking of us.” Jen returned to her seat.

  Pam studied her daughter. “What’s going on? You’re different.”

  “Am I?” Jen laughed. “Let’s see. I honestly have no idea where to begin.” She picked up her coffee. “Lucas has moved out and he’s back at work. Half days for now, but he’ll be full-time soon enough.”

  “I’m sure you appreciate having your house back.”

  “Mostly. It turns out he’s pretty easy to be around. Who knew? What else? Well, I told you Jack’s in day care.”

  “A surprise.” Pam would have bet there wasn’t a single day care center in the state that would meet Jen’s incredibly high standards. “Are they local?”

  “Yes, in the older part of Mischief Bay. It’s pretty wonderful and he’s enjoying himself.” She moved her cup around on the table. “I’ve been seeing someone. Not a therapist, exactly. More of a nutritional expert who does some counseling. I’m taking some supplements and a mild antianxiety drug. It’s helping. I’ve been looking at my life and I’ve realized I have to change.”

  She drew in a breath. “Jack can talk.”

  “What? That’s wonderful. Since when? Oh, my goodness, you must be thrilled.” Pam had known there wasn’t anything wrong with him, but she was pleased to have confirmation. “Just words or whole sentences? Do you have it on video?”

  “I don’t, but Kirk does. He talks to Lucas and at the day care center.” Jen’s mouth twisted. “He won’t talk to me.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  Her daughter grimaced. “Jack will have a conversation with everyone but me. I guess I know him too well. He can tell me what he wants by not speaking. Apparently it’s not uncommon.”

  “I thought it mostly happened with siblings close in age.”

  “It does, but here we are.”

  Pam knew that Jen struggled with so many issues. She worried that some of them were her fault. She, too, had been an anxious mother—at least with her firstborn. By the time the boys had come along, she’d calmed down. But Jen hadn’t had a second child yet.

  “Are you all right?” Pam asked.

  “I’m dealing. I temper my frustration with the knowledge that he’s perfectly fine. I ask him to use his words and one day he will. Later, when he’s a teenager and sassing me, I’ll remember his not talking and be nostalgic.”

  “You’re so calm,” Pam admitted. “It’s impressive.”

  “I believe the word you’re looking for is surprising.” She shrugged. “The medication helps, I’m sure. I’m also taking some supplements and taking a few minutes every day to clear my head. Eventually the little things start to add up. At least that’s what I’m telling myself.”

  It was like her daughter had finished growing up while she’d been away, Pam thought. And while she was happy that Jen was figuring it all out, she had to admit she felt a little left by the wayside.

  “The day care decision was a part of the talking?” she asked.

  “It was more the realization that Jack has to have more to his life than just me,” Jen admitted. “I really do need to go back to work.”

  Pam remembered their heated conversation when Jen had asked her to take care of Jack full-time and she’d refused. “I could look after him some,” she began.

  Jen shook her head. “Mom, it was wrong of me to ask you to be responsible for my son. Kirk and I need to handle the situation. You’ve always been generous with your time and I appreciate that. I’m not saying I’m never going to ask. Of course I am. You and Jack have a great relationship. But I need to expand my child care circle, so to speak.”

  “You’re doing so well.”

  “I’m mostly faking it, but I’m moving forward. That’s what we’re suppose
d to do, right? Nothing stays the same.”

  Pam knew what her daughter meant but still felt oddly judged by the statement. As if Jen’s progress pointed out how her life hadn’t changed much at all in the past couple of years. After John’s death there had been nothing but change. Since settling into her new routine, there had been a lot of sameness.

  She’d told herself stable was good, however, listening to Jen, she found herself questioning the assumption.

  “How’s your brother?” she asked, to distract herself.

  “Brandon’s great. I talked to him last week.”

  Pam picked up a cookie and broke off a small piece for Lulu. “Very funny.”

  “Oh, you mean Steven. He’s great—so is Zoe.”

  Pam waited. Jen smiled at her.

  “You’re not going to talk about them?” Pam asked.

  “Nope.” Her humor faded. “You’re wrong to get between them, Mom. I think Steven’s serious about Zoe. I know you’re worried about him getting hurt and you have legitimate concerns about what it means for her to be pregnant with another man’s baby, but here’s the thing. What if it all works out? What if they fall madly in love and get married? For the rest of their lives, they’ll look back on this time and remember how you weren’t there for them. Is that what you want?”

  Pam folded her arms across her chest. “He’s going to get hurt.” She said the words as firmly as she could, yet there seemed to be a bit of a question in her voice. A whispered...what if Jen was right and she was wrong?

  “Fine. Let’s say he is. So what? He’s a big boy. He’ll get over it. Better to be supportive of him now than wait to say ‘I told you so’ later. You love him, Mom. Be there for him.”

  “I’m not sure I agree with you. If he wants to be safe...”

  “He doesn’t, Mom. He wants to be in love with Zoe.”

  Pam pressed her lips together. There were so many things she could say, so many responses. But how many of them made sense in the face of Steven falling in love?

  “I just don’t know,” she admitted. “He’s wrong. I feel it in my bones.”

  “You have to let it go. I beg you—at least think about what I said. You’ve always been close with each of us. I’d hate for that to change.”