by Alisa Mullen
You were beautiful on stage. Congratulations on the engagement. I am glad that you’re happy.–B
My hands shook as I stuck the phone back into my bra. I went to the bar and begged for three shots of whiskey. I threw them back and felt the weight of the phone, the weight of my lies, and the weight of what I was doing wrong in my life. I might not want to marry Johnny. I might not want this life anymore. I was exhausted.
I signed for about a half an hour, begged off a headache, and left Johnny and Dex to play nice, while I went to find that bed.
TWENTY
I stayed in bed for days, maybe even more than a week. At first, it was cramps. Then it was the stomach flu. Then I was just plain tired from touring. Johnny ran around the city, picking up medicine I wouldn’t take and getting food I wouldn’t eat.
I received a text message from James around noon one weekday. It was totally cryptic. I had to read it three times before I gave up and shook my head at the asinine text.
James: My dad is in town. Will you come down to meet him? He’s a fan.
Me: WTF James? I am in bed.
James: Well, get out of bed dumbass.
Me: You’re fired.
James: See you outside in twenty.
I looked over at Johnny, who had his earphones on and was playing his guitar to the music.
His lean back begged to be touched, but I couldn’t put out my hand far enough to show him the love he had been begging for throughout my depression spell.
Yesterday, he had asked if my low had anything to do with Brennan. I didn’t answer. He slammed the door, which didn’t even make me flinch. He had every right to be pissed off. I hated myself as much as he probably did in that moment. When he came back to our bedroom, both of our eyes were red rimmed as we lay, staring at each other. Something was changing between us. God damn it, I didn’t want it to.
I forced myself to move over and touched his back tentatively. He flinched and whirled around with wide eyes. He immediately threw the equipment down on the floor and scooped me up into his arms.
“Johnny. I am sad. I think I am lost,” I whispered, touching his cheeks with my fingers.
“I know, Jules. I can’t do anything to make it right. I am scared. I feel like I am losing you,” he choked on the last two words.
I grabbed him and hugged him so tight. He whispered how much he loved me and I nodded into his shoulder. I knew I was losing him, too. Hell, I was losing myself. I didn’t want music. I didn’t want men. I didn’t want me. I wanted to get rid of myself for one day. Just fucking one day that I didn’t have to be in my own stupid, fucked up head.
I wished I had never met Brennan. I wished I could hug him instead in that moment. Two men, two nights, two separate future lives. I needed to be carried through this confusion and if no one could hold me, or if they didn’t want to, I wouldn’t say anything ever again. I would break.
“James wants me to go down and meet his dad,” I said. I twisted my face up in disgust.
Johnny pulled back and smiled. “That sounds like a great idea, baby.” I cringed inwardly at that endearment. Baby, I was not. Not to anyone. Especially not Brennan. Amelia was his baby.
“Do you think so? I don’t know why he wants me to go. I mean, James never acts like a fan boy,” I said, twisting my lips into contemplation.
“Just go. See about riding along, maybe. Get out of bed and have a day out. I want to hook up with Dex and some other guys on this new song,” he said. He sounded more and more excited about me leaving by the minute. That’s when I realized this was, in fact, Johnny’s apartment. Not mine. I had moved in. I was encroaching on his bed, his space. Fiancé or not, I was cramping his style to some degree. I had to be.
“Yeah, alright. I will get a quick shower and go,” I conceded, moving out of his arms sluggishly. I didn’t wash my hair. I threw it up in a messy bun on top of my head. I threw on an old Depeche Mode tee shirt and jeans. They were loose. Depression was good for weight loss. There was something.
My head already hurt from the activity and I went into the bedroom, where Johnny was stripping the sheets, and replacing them with new ones. He had his ear plugs in and didn’t see my embarrassed look of shame. After a few moments, I waved my hand and then smiled faintly when he looked up. He took out the plugs and came over to me.
“You look gorgeous.” He hugged me and I could feel excitement radiating off his body. I suppose I did look good. It was a far cry from the bleak tank and panties that I had been wearing for days. The makeup probably helped my outward appearance, too.
“Thanks. Are there any photogs out there? Should I do the sunglasses?” I asked on a heavy exhale. Talking was so much fucking work. I felt light headed.
“I didn’t see any when I went out for coffee, but bring them just in case. Text me later, okay?” He kissed my nose. “Oh, and Jules? Enjoy your day.”
I nodded as I grabbed my bag and headed down to the street.
The black town car was waiting on the curb. I opened the back door. James normally did that for me, but this whole ordeal was already bizarre as fuck, so I just went with it. The first thing I noticed was that the partition was up between James and me. I saw the back of an older man’s head in the front seat with him. They were talking about something but of course, I couldn’t hear them. I knocked on the window and asked him what the hell was going on.
“Put this thing down, James. We never use this,” I demanded. “Are you and your dad going somewhere because Johnny said I should tag along, okay?”
No answer. Nothing. I plastered my face against the partition to get any idea of what the hell was going on but I couldn’t make out anything they were doing.
Then, we pulled out into traffic and I started to panic. Had I gotten into the wrong car? I banged on the partition and nothing happened. Was this a fucking joke? We made it two streets away from Johnny’s apartment when I heard a loud laugh. It wasn’t James’ laugh. Holy shit, I had just been kidnapped. I panicked.
“You are not James, you bastard! Where the hell is he?” I looked around the town car. This wasn’t even his town car. Holy fucking hell, I was abducted.
“I am calling 911 right now. It’s a life sentence in the slammer for kidnappers,” I yelled. The partition rolled down just as we hit the Williamsburg Bridge. The Williamsburg Bridge? Why were we leaving Manhattan? I was totally fucking creeped out now and I shuddered in fear.
Brennan turned to face me first and I gasped. I looked to the passenger and swore. My deadbeat father didn’t look back at me. Both of their eyes faced forward, as they expected that I was taking in the crime scene.
“What. The. Fuck?” I was hysterical. I started to hold my head in between my hands and rocked back and forth.
“Keep calm, Julia Child,” Dad said. Julia Child? He was using my nickname? Did he think we were best buds and were just meeting up for a daily outing? I hadn’t seen this guy in years and I mean years. He didn’t even look like my dad anymore. The picture I had in my head was a far cry from who was sitting in the front seat of this car. He still dressed like he was in the 1970’s but his receding hair line had turned into just plain bald. And he was chubby. I didn’t know this man at all. So, I played along.
“You want calm, daddy dearest? Fine. How about fuck you and you,” I said, pointing to both of them. “How about pulling over and letting me out of this... this awful car. I am not a child, I am not interested in having a little outing, and I want nothing to do with either of you.” I toggled my accusations back and forth between Brennan and my father, not exactly sure who I was most pissed at. Dad kept a straight face, amused even. Brennan winced when I said the last bit about wanting nothing to do with him. I lied, Brennan. God, I am so close to you right now. Why are you taunting me like this?
“Wow, she’s got a mouth on her, huh?” My dad asked Brennan. Brennan smirked.
“It’s part of her gloriously, beautiful charm,” he replied. His eyes met mine in the rear view mirror and I gaped.
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“Is this a joke? Why is it that I am sitting in a car with the two specific men that totally fucked my life?” I was beyond livid. I crossed my arms and started to find a way to get out of the car. Nothing good would come out of this.
“Johnny called me,” Brennan stated. He didn’t look at me in the rear view mirror this time.
Sure, he did, I thought.
“Johnny Lennox, my fiancé, wouldn’t call you even if he had a gun pointed to his head. Put the fucking partition back up, please.” I said. I was deadly. I was about to add murder to my long list of accomplishments.
Brennan was obviously fucking with me. They were the devil to my mental wellbeing and Johnny would never just throw me into the fire. He would never do this to me, I thought to myself, as I pressed the number one on my phone.
“Jules.” I heard the fear in his voice. Johnny did do this.
“Why?” I croaked out. “You are fucking me over. You are fucking with us.”
“Jules. You weren’t the same after you saw Brennan at the show. You haven’t been the same woman I fell in love with... both times. You need to figure out your shit. Your father has been contacting me for years and I told him not to contact you. When he called a few days ago, I don’t know... ” he sighed.
“Maybe... maybe now it is time to figure out what he wants from you after all these years. As far as Brennan goes, I am not happy you are with him. But before you walk down that aisle to marry me, you need to be sure that I am the one you want.” He forced out those last few words through a fake confident tone. He was sad. I could hear his choked up throat. What did this mean? Was he letting me go?
“Are we breaking up, Johnny?” I asked softly, almost on the verge of tears myself.
The headache I had at the apartment had grown into a gigantic living monster. I was shredded. A long pause on his end made me start to tear up. It became clear to me then. He had no idea. Sure, I didn’t either but Johnny had always wanted me. He had sweated over me for years. I finally gave him another chance and it was ending like this?
This time it hurt. The last time? I didn’t have any feelings. This time, I knew I wasn’t a slutty bitch that he could mess with. I was Julia fucking Delaney. I deserved good people in my life. I deserved a man who wouldn’t just throw me to the wolves after a few dump days in bed.
“You know, when I threw that OUIJA board in the river at your brother’s house, remember that?” I nodded, even though he obviously couldn’t see me.
“I wanted to rid you of all your problems all at once. Even the ones you had when you were a little girl. I want to protect you and keep you safe, but I think that is my problem. I want you to be and feel happy. I mean, not all the time. I love fighting with you over stupid shit and I love your boobs,” he snorted. “Shit, I guess that doesn’t really have anything to do with it. But Jules, your boobs are killer.”
I could hear his humor, and maybe even a little heat, as he was clearly thinking about me naked. Johnny’s moment of truth was almost heart wrenching. He didn’t do serious conversation very well, so the boob comment cover up told me he didn’t have a fucking clue how to be my man.
Johnny and I loved each other enough to tell the truth. Nonetheless, I fake giggled at his boob comment. It was sad. I was sad. And I was in a car with two men that also made me sad. Not only was I dizzy from depression, but I was floundering in the house of bewilderment. All I needed were the fucked up mirrors that distorted my shape to finish me off.
“What now, Johnny?” I asked with seriousness back in my tone.
“You tell me. Go and be with them, I guess. They have the answers your questions,” he admitted. “Then, I guess you decide what you want because I want the old Jules back. I want the girl that loves My Little Pony, puppet shows, and laughs because of nothing all through the night. This new Julia scares me,” he admitted, lowering his voice at the end.
“Okay,” I whispered.
“Okay.” His voice was stronger.
“Okay,” I replied.
“Bye, Jules.”
It seemed like the click was louder than usual when Johnny hung up. I watched the ‘call ended’ on my screen until it stopped, shoved my hand in my messed up bun, and looked out the window. I had no idea where we were going and it didn’t matter anymore.
TWENTY-ONE
The car stopped in front of a deli. I didn’t recognize the name of it but as I turned my head, I saw the signs for McGolrick Park in Brooklyn. As I was about to ask what we were doing there, Brennan opened my door and tipped his chauffeur hat at me. His eyes locked onto mine and the sizzle was there once again. I moved to get out of the car but he wouldn’t back up.
“You need to step away,” I said.
“No, I am good here,” he responded. He took my left hand, raised it to his mouth, and kissed my engagement ring. It was so fucked up. He was so completely deranged.
I pulled my hand away like I had been burned. I started to rub my finger as I looked at him for what he wanted from me. Was he mocking me? My father came up behind him with a manila folder in his hand and waited patiently for us to finish our interaction.
“That’s not your finger to kiss, Brennan,” I scowled.
He beamed at me and nodded. “I know, Julia,” he whispered. He looked down at the ground, laughed a bit, and then peered up to my face through his black locks. Holy hell, I needed to touch them and I did.
Very gently, I took a black lock between my index finger and thumb and rubbed. I closed my eyes to all of the memories of doing this before. I never thought I would be this close to him and I never wanted to be... until now. I felt him stare at me while I breathed in his masculine love laced scent. I opened my eyes to find that his were watering slightly.
“I never thought I would be this close to you again,” he whispered closer to my face. He put his hand on the small of my back and led me away from the door so he could shut it.
Dad took my arm and interlocked it into his, while Brennan walked a few feet behind us. I looked around at the beautiful park marked with an overwhelmingly amount of tags. Graffiti lined every wall on the pavilion, every bench constructed throughout the walkways, and every blank space in between. I admired a few older gentlemen playing cards and keeping to their intense game. It was a normal occurrence. That much I knew for sure about this park. It was home to many people. Was it Brennan’s home? Was I on his turf?
“Do you live around here?” I turned to ask Brennan, my steely resolve slowly melting away. His smile was breathtaking as he nodded in confirmation. He was sharing himself. He wanted me to know his life. But why now?
“Dad, why did Johnny do this? What questions am I supposed to ask you?” I pointedly asked him, both a little irritated and apprehensive. I rubbed circles on my temples. How should I be treating a man that I hadn’t seen in almost ten years and was supposed to call my father?
Dad found the next open bench and sat down. He patted the open spot next to him and I sat like a little puppy wanting that treat. Damn men, starting with this one.
Brennan held back but examined me like he was trying to soak all of me in. I understood the feeling. Every chance I could, trying to be less obvious; I admired his corduroy pants, Adidas sneakers, and white Henley under a forest green cardigan. How can a guy pull off a cardigan so beautifully? I looked to his hands that were shaking a bit. That was a sure sign that he was nervous.
No wedding ring.
That wasn’t a surprise. Take off the ring when the wife isn’t around, Bren. Good move. Solid. And while I am thinking about it, why does he even bother? I know the bloody truth. That immediately pissed me off and I wanted this rendezvous over. I gave my father all of my attention.
“So?” I asked him pointedly. He looked at me and shook his head.
“Did your mother teach you any manners? How about, “Hey dad, what’s up?” he said.
“Hey Dad, what’s up? So?” I deadpanned, crossing my arms. I heard Brennan chuckle and it took everything I had in m
e not to look at that stunning smile. I didn’t even have to look at him to see the creases in the skin by his eyes when he smiled, the dimples, and the look of pure amusement when I was topless and straddling on top of him. Dear Lord Baby Jesus in the Manger.
Dad pulled out some photos.
“This is the summer I met your mother,” he said as he handed it over to me. He was laughing with a golf club in his hand. Her hand was on his arm as she looked up at him adoringly. She looked awestruck.
“Nice.” What the fuck? So, let’s get this straight. My fiancé tricked me into going with my absent father and my former lover so we could look at photos in a park? I didn’t get it. And the questions? What did I need to know that I didn’t already? I wondered if Kent knew about this.
“And, this is a picture of me and your... what do you and Kent call her? Step-monster?” He asked with a grimace.
He handed me a photo of her laughing at him and he looking at her like she was the only woman in the world. His eyes were captivated by her. I couldn’t tell what he was looking at. Her teeth? Her smile? Her eyes?
“Julia, put the photos side by side and tell me what you see,” my dad said.
I put the photo side by side with the one of my mother. She wasn’t looking at anything specific either. It was like they were not necessarily looking at the person but the spirit in which the body took over. They were looking right through them with love and wonderment. It was like they were asking themselves, how did I get so lucky to love this person?
“The picture of your mother and I was taken during a golf tournament obviously. She hated golf. Probably still does. Someone had made a joke about me keeping the ball out of the water hazard so I laughed. She wouldn’t have found that funny at all, which puzzled me when I first saw this photo,” he said, rubbing his thumb nail on his forehead.
“When I saw the picture of me and Carrie, I remembered we were at a local church benefit and someone had said something funny about baking. I like to eat cookies but baking jokes? Really? But I smiled right along with Carrie. I smiled because she was. I am a part of her soul. I have other pictures at home where her expression is the same as mine or your mother’s in these photos,” he finished.