by Alisa Mullen
“You weren’t in love with mom,” I whispered. “You couldn’t stay. Even though leaving your kids was an ass hat shit move, it wasn’t Mom you needed to be with.”
Dad remained silent as he handed me two more photos.
“When I saw how you looked at this young man,” Dad said as he pointed to Brennan. “I knew you were in love with him. You look so much like your mother. I... ”
I cut him off. “He’s married, Dad. I won’t fucking break up a marriage and an engagement for the purposes of a look in a photo.”
Dad cleared his throat. “Yes, well. I figured you would say that, but I had to come see you. You know, I follow your band. I pay attention. When I saw this photo of you and Mr. Curtis, I needed to find you. You finally looked happy. I got in touch with Kent. He gave me nothing. I contacted your agent. Nothing. But Brennan here. He said he would find a way. I wanted to tell you how I am so proud of you,” he said. Tears started to well up in his eyes. “But, Julia? I don’t see that same happiness in that photo.”
Dad pointed at the latest photo of Johnny and me. We were smiling at each other but there wasn’t any spark. We looked like we could be brother and sister, just looking at one another with appreciation. The photo of Brennan and me outside the airport the day we made love for the first time, we looked like we had just won the lottery. Our hands were all over each other. It was night and day. Dad pulled me out of my latest revelation, but I think I already knew. I was in love with Brennan. But I still couldn’t have him.
“You were and always will be my Julia Child,” he said. He patted my leg twice and got up. I watched him walk towards the Town Car. He got in and drove away and I never saw the man again.
TWENTY-TWO
“It feels like the circus just came to town. Johnny is the Magician, Dad is the Clown, and you... who the hell are you?” I asked Brennan.
“I’m that guy on the tight rope, offering you a hand to do a double twist jump down to the next rope,” he proposed, as he took a seat next to me on the bench.
I smiled down at the picture of me and Johnny. God, I did love Johnny, though. Why the hell would he want me to come see my Dad? A little fucking too late, I might add. Yeah. Too late for lots of things. And Brennan? What was Johnny thinking?
“Why would Johnny want me to hang out with you?” I looked at him.
Brennan shrugged his shoulders and put his hands on the back of his neck as he crossed his feet, lounging out on the bench like we were going to be there a while. Maybe we would be. Dad had just taken our transportation back to the city. How was I going to get back to Johnny’s?
“Johnny did not want me to be here. I told him that I was coming here only as a friend, which I am,” he said, looking over at me. Was that a flash of pain in his eyes?
“No, Johnny and I are engaged. We are forever. He knows what happened between us and we could never be friends. Why would he want me to see you, knowing how I felt about you?”
“How did you feel about me?” he asked in earnest.
“Let’s not go there, Brennan,” I quickly retorted. I needed a nap and I certainly did not want to spend more time going over what Brennan and I had or didn’t have in the past. I had made my decision and the new Julia did not fuck around. I was with Johnny, whether I had a powerful attraction to Brennan or not. Trusting, honest, loving, and kick ass Johnny would have my back for the rest of my life. And yet, in this moment, I was actually becoming comfortable, just sitting here with Brennan. I had absolutely no desire to go back to Johnny’s apartment. I considered the idea that he didn’t want me there either.
I took my cell out of my back pocket and pressed the button to call him. It rang and rang. Then it rang again. Voicemail never picked up. That must mean he was calling out. Or something funky like that.
I hit call again.
“Hello?” a women’s whiny voice came over the line. I heard Johnny’s bass and Dex drumming in the background.
“Whom am I speaking to?” I asked professionally and slightly irritated. Why wasn’t I at the jam session and why on earth was there a woman answering Johnny’s phone?
“Amber. Who’s this?”
“Jules Delaney. I need to speak with Johnny please.”
The phone sounded like it fell to the floor and then I heard Amber calling out to Johnny. The bass stopped first. The drums a few beats later.
“Come on dude. Let’s finish this shit up so we can party,” Dex called out to someone in particular.
The phone was muffled and I heard nothing until I heard a door shut and Johnny came on the phone.
“Jules?” he asked, sounding out of breath.
“Johnny?” I asked.
“What’s up?” He sounded disinterested. I looked down at the photo and bit my lower lip. I looked over at Brennan who was looking straight ahead, expressionless.
“Why?” I asked.
“Why, what?” he sounded annoyed. Was I annoying him? How? Why? I wasn’t even there. He was my frigging fiancé and he was acting so weird. This was all so surreal.
“Why did you arrange this day? Why are you jamming without your lead singer? Why was that girl Amber answering your phone? Why are you acting like we aren’t engaged?” I felt my heart starting to pound. I didn’t realize how much I had to be pissed about until I listed them off to him. I had more but I thought four questions hammered at him were enough for the time being. “Go ahead, Johnny. Tell me what this is all about.”
Johnny exhaled loudly. “Listen. We needed a break today. The depression was getting too intense, you know.”
I sucked in a breath. Johnny wants a break from me? The guy that day in and day out begged me back into his life? Fuck this.
“You have been a zombie, Jules,” he continued. "You see Brennan one night and you go to bed for days. It fucking hurt. Like really fucking hurt. And, maybe I deserve that after what I did to you when we first broke up, but right now you need to figure out your shit and I want to have fun. I don’t want to watch my girl lay in bed all day long, probably thinking about another guy. I don’t want to deal. I can’t make anything better for you. I tried. You know?”
“So, to answer your questions, I wasn’t thinking about Brennan in bed. Second, are you having fun with Amber?” I asked with a bloody dagger in my voice.
“No, Jules. It isn’t about that. She is just here. Don’t you see? This is more than that. This is about our love. It is about our future and right now, it has to be about you facing your demons. Brennan, who promised he would not fucking lay a hand on you, by the way, is one of those demons. Face him. Talk to him. Do what you need to do. Then, we can talk.”
“This is what you really want, Johnny?” I asked.
“No.” He almost shouted his answer and then reeled it back in. “Hell, no. I want you to be here, sucking on my ear lobe, and talking about a dance party later. I miss that life. This new Julia isn’t fun. You just aren’t you anymore.”
“I get it,” I said. And, I did but damn it, Johnny wasn’t supposed to be the smart one here. I should have known all by myself. I didn’t know who I was, now that I was acting like the person that didn’t need sex and booze to be happy. Everything changed after we had gone to see Kent and he told me the real story behind Grace’s murder. I hadn’t had the dream since that night.
I did, however, continue to have dreams about that weekend with Brennan. I was lying to myself. I couldn’t click a button and become a non-slutty, married, and devoted life partner Julia Delaney Lennox.
“I know you do. So now you have to stop thinking about me. Do what you need to do to get back to that girl I fell in love with because she is gone. And I think it has to do with that guy sitting next to you.” His words cut deep. He wasn’t giving up on me but he wasn’t fighting for me either. He was letting go and giving me the power to determine our future. Johnny was trying to see the real picture. He wanted the old girl back but I didn’t want to be that girl again. I didn’t think I could go back to her and that was who he
wanted? I was so damn confused. Johnny was confused, and by the expression on Brennan’s face, he was confused, too.
Hence, the bed.
For days.
And I would do it all over again.
In fact, I was tired. I wanted my... wait, shit... his bed. Didn’t I?
I said nothing. He said nothing. Long moments passed and I sighed. There wasn’t anything else to say. I needed to get this conversation over with Brennan and then decide what I needed to do for myself.
“Bye, Johnny.”
“Bye, Jules.”
I stuck the phone in my back pocket and stood up, rocked on my heels, and looked down at Brennan.
“Apparently, you and I have something between us that needs to be resolved,” I said, pointing in between us.
Brennan looked up and with a perplexed expression, he asked, “Resolved?”
“Yes. I need to figure out why seeing you that night and that fucking text you sent me made me go to bed for a week. Then, I need to get back to my life with Johnny.”
“Hmmm,” Brennan hummed as he stood. He towered over me and with that painful flash once again, he took my hand, and we began to walk the pathway in the park.
“So how is engaged life?” Brennan asked casually. I glared at him. The universe had officially turned on its axis.
“How’s open marriage life?” I snorted.
“Touché.”
“What are we doing here, Brennan?” I asked, totally exhausted already. Was this some sort of intervention by all the men in my life that fucked me over? The father I never had, the best friend and former cheater I was about to marry, and the man that could never be mine because he was married.
The only person I was missing was Kent, but then I thought that Kent didn’t fit the mold. He was always good and consistent with me. We loved one another unconditionally. There were a lot of conditions between me and these three men. Tons maybe. I was so fucked. If I could somehow morph myself into an old Polish male who looked forward to cards at the park every day, I would be good. Yeah. I would be stellar. And where the hell was James in all of this? Oh hell. Obviously, this was a well thought out plan from all parties involved. I dusted off my dignity and stood a little straighter. I didn’t need any pity about my depression. It fucking happens.
“What did you feel for me, Jules?” Brennan asked.
If I was going to rid myself of my demons, like Johnny had requested, this was the next spot on the board game. I was the pee green, jealous, and scorned pawn and I landed on ‘Tell Brennan the truth or go directly to bed.’
“Brennan. I fell in love with you. I fell in love with who I was when I was with you. I didn’t want you to be married. I didn’t want to share you. You brought out memories and feelings that I forgot existed, and I... you totally rocked my world,” I looked at him with raised eyebrows, “No one ever rocked me both mentally and sexually. Just you.”
“I fell in love with you, too. I am in love with you,” he said. It was so casual, so strange, and he didn’t look torn at all.
This was not working for me. This actually sucked ass. Demons be damned. Can demons be damned? Aren’t they already? I needed out of here. This, all of a sudden, was too damn intense.
“So, what does Amelia think about you being in love with another woman?” I asked with contempt. “She must be furious. Damn, I bet she went out and fucked a bunch of people off the list, huh?” I jabbed him hard. Did he just tense against my finger or my words? I couldn’t tell but I clearly hit a sensitive area for him. Physically or emotionally?
I wasn’t interested in niceties. He and I weren’t pole liners in the circus. He and Amelia were the fucking gypsies outside the tent. They stole the money and faith of all the hopeful people, who only wished for someone to tell them that they would have a harmonious and successful future. He stole my harmony. The night he chose Amelia over me, the morning I told him to go back to her, and the moment I saw him in the crowd at the show. He was not a fan boy. He was the best and worst choice I ever made.
“What the fuck do you want from me?” I tore my hand out of his and starting pushing on his rock hard chest. He had been working out more. He didn’t even budge against my hard pushes. And I was strong. You can’t be a rocker and not have upper body strength.
He pulled me to his chest and groaned. His head fell to mine and he inhaled the scent of my hair through his nose. I subtlety relaxed into him. It was like all time stopped, and we weren’t there to talk. I allowed my eyes to close and I thought, “I will give you everything you want right now.” I would do anything to keep this moment frozen in a photograph that I could pull out again and again to feel better when I got sad.
Johnny’s voice about finding the answers echoed through my thoughts and I leaned back to find that Brennan’s eyes were full of passion. He was just as affected by the closeness as I was. He didn’t want our bodies to break apart. I didn’t either so I let him hold me while he searched my face for what to say next.
“I want all of you. I have wanted all of you since the moment I saw you on stage for the first time. You know it. I know it. Amelia knows it. And, I would imagine that after listening to your end of the conversation, your fiancé knows it, too.” He was so matter of fact about the bomb of words he just dropped into my heart. Chaos ensued and recovery in the near future was necessary. Please call the medics now. I started to shake.
“Johnny said that I needed answers,” I suggested, in case he knew what he was talking about.
Brennan nodded and looked pained as he heaved a sigh. “Did your father tell you everything you needed to know?”
“My father will never be able to fully explain why he left. I will never understand because I was on the receiving end of his disastrous choice. He taught me that men leave.” A small knot formed in the bottom of my throat. I suddenly wanted to cry. My father was never really a father. No, he was the first disappointment in my life.
But today, when he came with the only words of wisdom he knew how to share, I listened. He believed that I was fucking my life up by marrying Johnny. He didn’t realize that I was fucking up my life way before I even made the scandalous magazines. Did he know that I was a complete slut when I was a teenager? In fact, did he even care that I gave it up to any guy who I thought was worthy? Well... up until now.
TWENTY-THREE
I twisted my body out of Brennan’s arms and started to walk down the pathway again. A pathway to total confusion. I had to get my facts straight. Brennan didn’t allow me to though. He pulled me to the side of a large oak tree and put his hands on the sides of my face.
“What I am about to tell you, Julia, is very difficult for me,” he said, as he searched my eyes.
“What the fuck are you talking about?” I screamed at him.
“Julia, I need you to calm down and listen to me. The night I went to your concert here in Brooklyn? I didn’t go alone. Amelia wanted to come and see you. She had been so damn jealous of you. I followed you on the internet, in magazines, everywhere I could. I had been so obsessed that I started to question my own sanity. I missed you so fucking much. I felt injured all day, every day.” His hands were shaking on my face... hard.
“Amelia was at the concert?” I whispered. Brennan nodded slowly, still piercing me with his eyes.
“So when I told her I needed to see you in person, she begged to go with me. I didn’t care at that point. I was just going. She could watch me drool or whatever. I didn’t feel anything, you know. I didn’t feel bad for hurting her or making her mad. My marriage didn’t matter. I knew you were going to be so close to me. That was all that mattered,” he stated. His eyes closed briefly. He looked so pained.
“It was hard seeing you, Brennan. I... I... ” I started but Brennan cut me off by shaking my head forcefully.
“No, I am not done. I texted you when you went out back. I walked outside for a while. Amelia and I fought about my feelings for you. When I finally decided to come find you, Dex said that you had al
ready left. I went backstage anyway. Johnny was there and he looked tanked already. When Dex let me in, I didn’t realize Amelia was right on my heels, so she got backstage, too.” His lips twisted in disgust and he looked away from me.
“So?” I asked.
“So, this fucking blows.” His hands pushed through his hair and he growled as he fisted his hands at his sides. He was physically angry. I just stood there, waiting. He started to chuckle. “You know what is so fucked up, Julia? Your fiancé, Johnny, was so fucking quick to call me out on being married. So fucking quick. Yes, I should have said something but nonetheless, I should have been the one to tell you. Just like that fucking bastard should be the one to tell you his fucking secrets.” He was seething. His jaw worked hard and his eyes didn’t have passion anymore. He looked like he wanted to strangle someone. I hadn’t seen him like this before, but hell, I had only spent a weekend with him. I just never knew he could... wait, Johnny has secrets?
“Go on, Brennan,” I demanded.
“So... when Dex told me you weren’t there, I got pissed and took off to find you. I couldn’t. I didn’t know where you went. But Amelia... she stayed behind. Julia, she and Johnny, they fucked that night. I am not just saying they had sex. They fucked each other in our living room... while I listened.” His eyes were dead on me. I looked back into them in horror.
“Wh... what?” I whimpered as I started to fall. My knees fell out from under me and I couldn’t breathe.
“She told him that you and I are in love. She told him that if he fucked her, you would choose the right person. He would tell you and you would finally choose who you wanted. It was so sick. She is so ill. Jealous, I don’t know,” he said as he backed off from me and he ran his hands over his face.
“She fucked it all up!” He screamed. I started to crumble. I fell to the ground and started to cry. Small tears at first, then hot streams of pain fell down my face, over my shirt. It came out of my nose and my ears were muted to the outside world.