by JD Chambers
Zach marches around with a notebook that contains different to-do lists for different parts of the day. Right now, he’s on the car packing checklist.
“Is your change of clothes in the car?” He looks to me and Ben. We nod, and he adds, “Shoes too?”
“Yes, sir!” I’m a big boy and I know how to take a road trip. This isn’t even going to be overnight, but I don’t want to do anything to snap any of the tenuous strings holding Zach down right now, so I just smile at my stressed-out guy. Concern flashes across Ben’s face and he races upstairs.
I had originally been planning another night like our Boulder trip for after the party. A nice little de-stress reward for Zach. Our Boulder trip worked out so much better than I had imagined. Zach was practically floating on an endorphin high for the next two days. I’d worried that I might get jealous, but the only thing I’d felt during the act itself was awe at Zach, and later pride that I had been able to give him that. Once Ben inserted himself in the Denver trip, though, I gave up on the idea.
“Sometimes I wonder if it should concern me more that you two are essentially an old married couple already,” I say.
“Or, if it makes you feel better, you can just think of me as his dad,” Zach says, with two new items crossed off his list.
“Eh, don’t really have a daddy kink,” Ben returns, shoes in hand, with an exaggerated perusal of Zach’s figure before us. “And you’re more of a mommy, anyway.”
Zach manages to check his list one more time and flip off Ben simultaneously. I’m so proud of his multitasking skills. “I think we’re ready. Did you lock the door on your way out?”
“Yep!” Ben yells. “Shotgun!”
“I think you only want to be a teacher so you can pretend you’re one of the kids,” Zach says as we pile in, and I’m surprised to see Ben glaring in his direction. I’d have thought he would be in complete agreement with Zach’s statement.
“Is that what you want to do? Be a teacher?” I ask. I don’t know that much about Ben, despite always working together. Our conversations are about video games and beer, not personal stuff. “I can see it. And not in the rude way Zach meant.” I can see Zach’s tongue sticking out through the rearview mirror.
“Thanks. Yeah, that’s why it took me an extra year to graduate. I got a teaching certificate at the same time as my degree.” I’ve never seen Ben so shy before. It’s a really weird look on him.
“It must be a tough job market. Have you been applying? Are you waiting for something local so you won’t have to move? I don’t think I could handle all the comforting that would be required of me if you two were to split up.”
Ben flashes me a grin, and he reaches across the seat to pinch Zach’s cheeks. “I know my little snookums would miss me.”
Zach smacks his hand away and hisses at Ben, “I’m driving.” He can’t hide his smile, though, even if I can only see it through the mirror.
“Actually,” Ben says with a drumroll to the dashboard, “I found out last night that I got a teaching job.”
“Really?” Zach turns his head in surprise, and the car swerves a little to the right.
“Yes!” Ben yelps, “And I’d like to be alive for it, so eyes on the road!”
“So what’s the job?” I lean forward from the back seat to ask.
“I’ll be the assistant music teacher at the high school.”
“Will you be conducting?” Zach asks, and he obviously knows a lot more about what this music stuff entails than I do.
“Nah, only if the teacher is out sick or something. But I’ll get to teach private lessons and assist during classes each day.”
“I’m so happy for you. I can’t believe you didn’t tell me right away!”
Ben laughs. “Well, I would have if Craig had let you come up for air last night. Did you guys ever eat dinner?”
Even from the back seat I can tell that Zach is bright red.
Between Ben’s jokes and Zach’s incessant worrying, the drive passes quickly. Before long, we’re parked outside the hotel, and I’ve grabbed a cart so we can get all of our boxes in one go. The valet’s about to drive off when Zach asks Ben if he grabbed his shoes.
“Damn it,” Ben shouts and chases after the car. His outburst causes heads to turn, and my nerves return full force. Wealth and class drips from the place and oozes out of the guests. I have never looked nor felt more out of place.
“Eep,” Zach yelps and grabs the side of the cart. In my distraction, I almost plowed down a woman with matching luggage for herself and her Pomeranian.
“Sorry.” I duck my head to avoid her glare and the yip of her dog.
“It’s this way,” Zach says, still guiding the cart. “Don’t worry, this is all Shelby’s thing. She and her froufrou friends might fit in here, but it’s really not like the rest of my family.”
I must look skeptical because he adds, “Seriously, if it were the rest of my family it would be non-alcoholic at the church.”
“Not helping.”
Zach stops and gives me a quick kiss. “Seriously, you are amazing. Stop worrying. No one can feel more out of place with my family than me. We’ll be miserable together.” I swear he practices his shy, innocent looks in the mirror, because he looks up at me from under his lashes with a small smile. “And besides, you will definitely deserve a big reward after this.”
“Big, huh?”
“Enormous. Freakishly large, some might say.”
My laugh dies in my throat when he throws open the door to the room. Palatial is definitely the right descriptor for this hotel. Or ostentatious. Everything is gilded and ornate. There’s gold in the carpet, and the curtains, even the freaking wallpaper. I’m thinking I don’t even need to meet Shelby – the fact that she chose this place tells me everything I need to know about her.
“Right?” Zach says after parking the cart by a set of tables off to the side, even though I didn’t say any of that out loud. Pieces of furniture are tossed into the room – chairs and tables that must be what Zach requested, but they obviously felt no responsibility to put them into any sensible party setup. “It’s like someone vomited gaudy into a single room.”
“Dear god.” Ben appears in the doorway, bag and shoes in hand. “I can’t … I had jokes planned, but …”
“Shit, if Ben’s speechless, there’s no chance that I’m going to survive this fiasco.”
“Excuse me,” Zach says to both of us, crossing his arms and glaring, “this is not going to be a fiasco, but an obnoxiously pointless party that is fabulously organized and goes off without a hitch. Got it? So move your asses and help me unload these boxes.”
“Is it wrong that your bossiness just got me hard?” I whisper in Zach’s ear on my way to grab a box. A cough/laugh gets strangled in his throat, and I laugh and get to work.
Almost an hour later, the three of us have moved the furniture around to a logical order, with a buffet area to the side, clusters of tables and chairs in all the corners, and a central area to spotlight Shelby and Parker. We’ve got centerpieces and decorations situated and a congratulations banner hung along the main wall. Ben is collapsed and sweating on the fancy sofa that will be Shelby’s spot. I’m sprawled on the ground, leaning back against it. Only Zach is still upright, marking off items on his lists and flipping back and forth, making sure he hasn’t missed anything.
“Is it time to get ready yet? I could use a shower,” Ben says while sniffing himself and wrinkling his nose.
At that moment, the door opens and in walks a petite woman in a tailored pink dress and matching hat. She’s followed by a tall man in a tan suit and matching pink tie. She surveys the room and stops on Ben and me.
“Excuse me, this is booked for a private party,” she says, marching toward us with her husband in tow.
“Shelby,” Zach jumps out in front like he’s taking a bullet for us, “This is Craig and Ben. They’ve been helping me get the room ready. And Craig’s my plus one,” he adds with a smile aimed at
me, and I can’t help but smile back. God, I’m such a sucker for this guy.
“Nice to meet you,” the husband holds out a hand to me, “I’m Parker.” I shake it in return and nod. I realize that if I try to say something nice back I might not be able to pull off genuine, so I keep my mouth shut.
Shelby has been turning in place and finally graces Zach with a look. “I guess you haven’t been here long, then.” I can’t believe anyone is this terrible in real life. She’s like Mean Girls came to life in the body of one tiny pregnant debutant.
“We’ve been working for hours here at the Brown Palace. I know it’s a little bit tight, but I think we managed to fit it all in. All that sweat and hard work coming together. Sweet-ass room, don’t you think?” Ben says with a flamboyant flair that he’s never had before. I know he’s doing it for Shelby’s benefit, but I kind of want to claim him for my best friend too, right at that moment. Shelby looks like her face got caught in a vise-grip.
Her eyes roam from him to the sofa and up the wall to the banner we’ve hung. “Did you just print that out from your computer or something? It looks so unprofessional.”
Zach spent hours working with a print shop on that fucking banner. My sweet, composed boyfriend looks like he’s about to unravel. I bolt up and wrap an arm around his shoulders. “We really need to get changed. Shelby. Parker. If you’ll please excuse us.”
I look back at Ben and gesture toward our clothes bags, which he grabs while I guide Zach out the door. “Breathe, baby. Just a few more hours and it will all be over. Remember, big rewards.”
Ben fakes a shiver and makes gagging noises. “Hey, so what am I getting out of this? ‘Cause I don’t want your ‘big reward,’ thank you.”
“Apparently you get to make Shelby cringe nonstop,” I say, and Zach nods in agreement.
“I thought she was going to drop and ask god for forgiveness on your behalf just for saying ‘ass.’ Please continue to do what you’re doing. It makes me happy.”
“Can do, kangaroo,” Ben says as Zach opens to the door to the guest locker room that we’ve been given access to in order to get ready.
I pull Zach into my arms and hold him close.
“Ugh, so you don’t hate me yet for inflicting this on you?”
He nuzzles into the spot behind my ear and sighs. His breath on my neck makes goosebumps erupt across my skin, and I wish we were alone. My hands grip and rub into his shoulders, then his neck.
“Never,” I say. “And I really don’t want a boner in the shower, so let’s go.”
It’s the first time in several hours that Zach’s lips have tipped in an upward direction, but it still isn’t a smile. I can’t imagine going to all this trouble for a family who treats you like shit. At least I’ve still got hours to come up with the best reward ever. If only Ben weren’t here.
I’m the last out of the shower, and both Ben and Zach are ready and looking very sharp in suits and ties, while I’m still running around trying to pull myself together.
“You look so good,” I tell Zach and try to pull him in for a quick kiss, but he squawks because I’m still wet and shirtless and getting water droplets on his grey jacket. The slap I get actually stings a little. “Fine, but we’re coming back to that.”
“Hurry up,” Ben complains. “You’ve got parents to impress.”
I groan, and pull on the only pair of dress slacks that I own. I had to borrow a tie from Ben. “Don’t remind me.”
I’m still running my fingers to comb my damp hair while we hurry back to the banquet room with barely five minutes to spare.
27
Zach
Guests have already started to arrive by the time we get back, and Shelby has situated herself right in the middle of the sofa, like we knew she would. My folks are here, too, and I have to laugh. There’s no way my dad’s basic black suit is going to camouflage into the horrible maroon and gold wallpaper, but he’s clinging to the wall like he’s going to try his damndest.
I reach for Craig’s hand and tug him with me.
“Hey guys,” I say as we reach my parents. “This is Craig. He’s my boyfriend.”
Mom’s face pales and she looks like a deer in headlights. I think this is the first time I’ve ever seen her unable to cover her true feelings with her fake Martha Stewart hospitality.
She shows her teeth and says, “Craig.” I’m thinking that was meant to be a smile. At least my dad recovers more quickly. He stretches a hand out, which Craig shakes. “Nice to meet you. You’ll have to forgive my wife. You’re the first boy Zach has brought to meet us.”
This is true. Both because I’ve never gotten that far into a relationship and because I’d be afraid of scaring the poor guy off. And judging by the sweat in Craig’s palm right now, I might have misjudged Craig’s scare-ability.
“What about me?” Ben pipes up from behind us. I hadn’t realized he’d followed, but he probably didn’t want to miss the spectacle of Craig’s introduction to my family.
“Ben. I didn’t realize you were here too.” My mother’s color has returned, but her face still looks like Ben just rammed a lemon in there.
“You know me, Mrs. K. I’m not turning down an opportunity to visit a Brown Palace.”
“Yes, well.” Like she does with most things she doesn’t understand, she ignores Ben’s comment and turns to me. “Zach, dear, could you come help me please? There’s a cake emergency.”
I still haven’t dropped Craig’s hand, and I think we’re both about to lose fingers soon, although I can’t say which one of us is squeezing harder. So we start to follow after her together, when she puts a hand on Craig’s shoulder to stop us. Craig looks like he wants to shrug her off and shudder, but he holds perfectly still instead.
“Mr. Keller would love to get to know you better, Craig. I only need Zach’s help right now.”
Real subtle, Mom. The problem is, I can tell by her satisfied expression when our hands drop and Craig takes a step back toward my dad, that she’s proud of herself for being so crafty. I try to convey as much apology in my look to Craig as I can before I’m being tugged away to follow after my mother.
“Zach, what were you thinking?” she hisses when we reach the apparent safety of the cake table.
“What are you talking about?”
“Do you know the first thing Shelby said when your father and I got here?” she says as she pretends to sort and stack plates and napkins. I’m sure she thinks she’s speaking in a low enough whisper to avoid anyone overhearing, but she’s totally failing, given the number of guests loitering with full plates. I know it’s to get gossip for or about Shelby. “It wasn’t how beautiful everything looked or how grateful she was that we threw her this party.”
I want to interrupt and point out that Shelby wasn’t ever going to act grateful for something that she feels she deserves, but I refrain. I look over to where the bitch is sitting like a queen bee, her friends buzzing around in attire just as ridiculous as hers. Ben has approached and as he talks, his wrists flap and butt twists. Parker’s biting his lip like he finds something funny and totally ignores the fact that his wife is about to murder my best friend.
Mom grabs my elbow, bringing my attention back to her harping.
“No, it was how you ruined her party by showing up with another boy so that you could flaunt your sinful lifestyle in front of her. Now, you know that I don’t say anything to you about it, dear.” No, of course not. You would never. “But this is Shelby’s day. I would have thought you’d have enough sense to put your family first this once.”
I have never yelled or cussed out my mother, but I am so close right now. I try to calm myself down and look back to Craig. Craig, my beautiful, understanding, kick-ass boyfriend who came and subjected himself to this, just for me. He and my dad are chatting still, and if you didn’t know Craig well enough, you’d think it was a pleasant bit of small talk normal for a party. But he keeps his hands clasped behind his back and is tapping his toes together.<
br />
Fuck, this was a terrible mistake.
“You’re right. We’ll leave.”
I’ve made it to a spot in front of Shelby when Mom catches up to me. “Not you, Zach. Just those two.”
“You don’t want to risk the gay infecting Shelby’s fetus, do you?” I turn to the ungrateful cow herself. “By the way, you’re welcome.” I wave my hands indicating the entire party, which three gay men put together for her. “I’m out.”
I shrug out of my mom’s clutches and race toward Craig, not waiting to see the reaction of my family or our audience.
“Bye, Dad,” is all I spare them, not even allowing him to finish his sentence, and drag Craig with me to Ben on the other side of the room. He’s staring at the ultrasound video like it’s a horror movie that he can’t tear his eyes from.
“We’re leaving.”
“Thank god,” Ben says, “I wasn’t prepared for this level of Stepford.”
No one says a word as we wait for the valet to bring around the car, which I’m thankful for. I don’t want to talk about it. All I can think is, if I wasn’t done with my family before, I am now.
28
Craig
“Do you want me to drive?” Ben steps to the driver’s side when the valet arrives with the car, and Zach nods. “I think I’m only one coming out unscathed from that thing.”
Zach gets into the passenger seat and buries his head in his hands. “It was horrible,” he cries. “What was I thinking?”
“If it makes you feel any better, I got Shelby to admit that it feels amazing inside the Brown Palace.”
I can’t help the snicker that escapes. If I wasn’t taking the whole evening so personally, I probably would have found Ben’s antics a lot funnier. Instead, I was being drilled by Zach’s dad about my job and my school and my family. God, that one was the worst. “What does your dad do?” And the look of disgust on his face when I told him that I’d never met my dad. He tried to hide it, and covered with the stellar follow-up, “What does your mom do?” Thank god Zach interrupted that one. I don’t want to consider his reaction if I said that I wasn’t certain, since I haven’t spoken to her in eight years, but at that point she had just gotten fired from her job as a bartender for taking from the till.