by JD Chambers
Obviously Zach’s folks have an issue with him being gay. But even more obviously, if I were a straightlaced, churchgoing man with a job that required a tie, they’d probably get the fuck over themselves. I’m certainly not what they want for their son. For Christ’s sake, he finished college in three years. Three years! Another tidbit courtesy of Mr. Keller. And I couldn’t even get my head out of my ass long enough to think about college.
Zach’s cell phone startles me out of my depressing thoughts.
“This had better be an apology,” Zach’s hardened voice says into the phone.
He sits straighter in his seat and starts to look around. “No, we aren’t too far out. We’ll head over there now. Yes, all of us. We drove together, Mom.”
The call ends, but Zach remains on his phone, opening up the map app.
“We need to go to Denver Health.”
I’m not sure if he’s saying it to us or to the phone, but the automated voice repeats his directions and starts telling Ben where to turn.
“It’s Shelby. Apparently she doubled over in pain shortly after we left and had to be rushed to the hospital.”
“Oh my god, do they know anything yet?” I ask.
“No. Parker is with her. My parents are in the waiting room.”
We’re going the wrong way on the highway, but once Ben gets turned around, it doesn’t take long to make it to the hospital. Parking is a bitch, so Ben drops Zach off at the emergency room door, and then he and I drive around to find a spot. For once, Ben is totally silent as we make our way into the waiting room.
Zach is huddled with his mom and dad, handing tissues to his mother and rubbing her back in comfort. Ben and I stay near, but so close that it feels like we’re intruding. There are quite a few others in the waiting room; little kids with sniffles, an older lady in a wheelchair who keeps moaning. The padded vinyl chairs squeak when we sit down, and even though it’s not our fault, Zach’s mom still gives us a look like we’re disrupting church.
I hate hospitals, but I especially hate hospital waiting rooms. Mom would get drunk or high and get into an accident or otherwise hurt herself. I’d be the one to come pick her up. Even before I could legally drive, she’d lie about my age so that she didn’t have to spend the money on a cab. She’d hated that I’d ruined her youth, so she’d chased her teenage years at the expense of mine. And each time I’d get the call, I’d pace the waiting rooms, afraid of what had happened this time. Waiting rooms smell bad and have uncomfortable seating, true, but the real hell of them is that they twist and contort time into an eternity where you have no idea what the fuck is going on.
I watch Zach and his perfect family. No, they might not be perfect when it comes to attitudes, but they clothed and sheltered and fed him. They want him there to lean on, to comfort, as a part of their group during difficult times. They are family, and they absolutely do not want me to be a part of it.
“See, this is why I’m single,” Ben leans over and says in a low voice.
“I’m not following.”
“Look at you. Sitting there all nervous, trying to make sure they don’t hate you.”
I never realized Ben was so freaking perceptive. He hides it well underneath his goofy child act. “You can’t honestly tell me you don’t care what Zach’s parents think of you.”
Ben barks out a loud laugh and three sets of eyes pivot to us. Maybe I should distance myself from Ben, but no. They’re not going to approve of me either way. At least this way I have an ally. “Not appropriate, dude. At least pretend to be serious.”
“If Zach’s mom had any idea of half the things I’ve said to her or subversively gotten her to say, not to mention the shit I got Zach to do in college – remind me to tell you stories, by the way – then you’d know I not only don’t care what Zach’s parents think of me, but I’ve been pretty actively ensuring that they despise me. But you care. You know Zach cares, so you care, and here you are, twisting yourself into knots because you’re afraid they’re going to hate you.”
“I’m pretty sure they already do.”
I watch as a nurse comes out and talks to the trio. She escorts them through a set of heavy double doors. Zach’s parents don’t turn to us, not that I’m expecting that, but Zach doesn’t either. He follows them without a word to me or Ben.
“Zach’s mom, maybe, but you seemed to be getting along well with his dad.”
I slump lower in my seat, glad that Zach is with his family and I can have this time with Ben. Because he’s right. I’m wound tight under their constant gaze and threat of disapproval.
“That’s because he has a better poker face than his wife. But really, what’s he supposed to think about the video game store clerk who wants to date his genius son?”
“I’m a video game store clerk,” Ben reminds me.
“Yeah, who has a degree and a teaching certificate, and just got a job as an assistant teacher at the high school. I’m going to be Ted, at fifty, still playing video games and trying not to have to adult.”
“Ted owns that store, so if you’re Ted at fifty, you’re going to be doing well for yourself.”
Zach appears around the corner and I’m saved from a response. His normally pink cheeks are pale and frown lines mar his forehead.
“Shelby had a miscarriage.”
“Zach, I’m so sorry,” I say, because fuck. What do you say at a time like this? Even Ben drops the clown act to rest an arm around Zach’s shoulder.
“My parents are helping them get checked out and everything, and Parker’s going to take her home.”
“She doesn’t have to stay?”
Zach shakes his head. “I didn’t really stay to hear the specifics, but no, she’s free to go.”
Ben and I spare each other a glance, and I know we’re on the same wavelength. “Do you want us to take an Uber home so you can stay with them?” Ben asks.
Zach’s shoulders shrug, but before he can speak, his parents return to the waiting room, followed by Parker and a nurse pushing Shelby in a wheelchair.
Zach wrings his hands as he approaches them. “Shelby, I’m so sor-”
“This is all your fault!” Shelby screams, pointing at Zach and turning every head in the waiting room in our direction. “I let you corrupt my unborn baby and now I’m being punished. Get away from me! I don’t ever want to see you again, you baby murderer!”
Zach’s posture crumples, and I’m too stunned to react. Thank god Ben’s still got his wits, because he pulls Zach into his chest and shelters him from the daggers coming from Zach’s family. Even Zach’s dad, who gave the impression of not being quite so stuffy and judgmental, looks at his son with disappointment in his eyes. They parade out the front door without a word or glance to ease the guilt tossed Zach’s way. Without anyone saying how very wrong she was.
“Those motherfucking pieces of shit,” I say, thinking that at any other time, Zach would be proud of my complaining. But not today. He looks so defeated. I’ve seen sassy Zach and jealous Zach, teasing Zach and embarrassed Zach. But I’ve never seen him look so lost.
“They’re upset. She lost her baby. She has every right to lash out,” Zach says, partially muffled by Ben’s body. I want to be the one to hold him right now, but I don’t feel like I’ve earned the right. If I hadn’t been there, they wouldn’t have gotten so upset at Zach. He wouldn’t have been such an easy target and scapegoat.
“She has no right to say that shit to you.” Ben pulls Zach back by the shoulders and tries to drill his words into him with his eyes. “It was not your fault. You have to know that.”
Zach doesn’t argue the statement, but he doesn’t seem to agree with it either. It’s like all fight has left him, and I don’t know how to get him back. I don’t know if I’m even worthy enough to be the one to do it.
29
Craig
It’s been over a week since the baby shower. Zach tried texting me at first, but I didn’t respond. I couldn’t respond, and he’s given up no
w. It’s for the best. Now he can find a guy who wears suits and loves Jesus and who won’t come between him and his family.
I’m probably being emo. I guess it matches the look that Zach says I have. But I can’t help but feel partially responsible for the disaster that was the party. And if Zach had somebody different, none of it would have happened.
Ben gave his two-week notice last week. Ted told him he didn’t have to work it if he felt like he needed the time to prepare for his teaching job, and Ben didn’t put up a fight. I haven’t seen him since I was dropped off at home after the hospital.
I’ve stayed secluded, except for work. I skipped the gaming party that my friends had planned last weekend. A whole weekend of gaming and junk food, and before Zach, I would have wanted nothing more. Mrs. Hill has been on my ass, trying to get me to play cards, but I’m just not feeling it. I’ve taken Toto on his walks and we’ve done her shopping runs, but I’ve been avoiding her too. I’m sure she’d try to cheer me up and that isn’t at all what I want. I feel like I need to suffer.
“So you aren’t dead,” says a familiar voice at the counter, and I look up to see Kieran, one of my gaming friends, giving me an obvious once-over. “I thought you’d have to be completely incapacitated to miss the party last weekend.”
He’s grinning at his own jokes and it makes me smile too.
“Still alive. Barely.”
“What happened? We missed you,” he says, and the blush that accompanies his words is a knife in my heart.
“Well, I do have a life outside of video games,” I say, and we both laugh because at that moment, a teenager brings a stack of games to the counter. He asks for our opinions, and Kieran and I both ramble on about the pros and cons of each until the kid has made his decision and his purchase.
“See? You love this stuff. Can you blame a guy for worrying when you didn’t show?”
“Well, I’m just fine, as you can see,” I say, and I swear his blush deepens. “I promise I won’t miss any more parties.”
Kieran shifts his weight from foot to foot. “Listen, I know this isn’t the best time to ask, while you’re working and everything, but would you want to go out sometime?”
“Like to play a game?”
He snorts. “Like a date.”
“Oh, I didn’t realize.” I scan him up and down. He’s slight, with long reddish fringe flopping in waves over one eye, and looking really nervous. I’ve hung out with him before, but like all the guys in my gaming group of friends, I’ve always assumed he was straight.
My surprise must show because he says, “You’ve met my roommates.” They’re also our gaming friends and if the things they shout at the screen during game play is any indication, not the most open-minded. “We’ve been friends since high school. I’ve never really been out before, but yes, I’m gay.”
I guess I never paid that much attention to Kieran before, other than to notice that he’s the best shot out of all of us when it comes to first-person shooters. He’s cute and surprisingly funny. But he reminds me too much of someone I’d rather forget.
“I wish I could say yes, but I just got out of a relationship and I don’t think I’m ready to get back out there just yet.”
“It’s cool.” He stops fidgeting with the stickers in piles along the counter and stuffs his hands in his pockets. “I get it.”
A customer approaches the counter to pay for a game, and Kieran takes it as a sign to leave.
“Wait just a sec,” I call after him. “My shift is finished in like, two seconds. We can go get some coffee?” His brows furrow at that, and I quickly add, “Not a date. Just to talk.”
I can’t believe I’m the first person this guy has ever come out to. And I had to turn him down for a date. Maybe I can at least offer him something else.
After the customer leaves, Elijah takes over the register and I clock out. Starry Night is just a few stores away, so it isn’t long before we’re sitting at a table, me with my coffee and Kieran with a cup of tea.
“I just wanted to let you know that if you need someone to talk to, I’m absolutely here for you,” I say, hoping I’m not being too forward. He asked me out, true, but everyone can use another friend. “I can be your gay Obi-Wan.”
His smile returns, thank god, and he laughs. “You’ll teach me the ways of the gay?”
“Absolutely,” I grin back at him. “Just as long as it isn’t relationship advice. Obviously I don’t know shit when it comes to that.”
“Maybe. Why did you break up? If you don’t mind me asking,” he says while sipping at his tea. It makes him look sophisticated, which is weird when this is a guy I’m used to seeing munch down on Doritos and Diet Mountain Dew. I guess everyone has their hidden sides.
“He’s really smart,” I gush, “like graduated in three years and already runs his own successful business. His parents aren’t okay with him being gay, but they seemed to be able to ignore it, at least until I came into the picture. They were awful, and I couldn’t be the reason that he got subjected to that kind of shit. I have no big plans for the future. I work in a fucking video game store. He deserves better.”
“Wow.”
“What?”
“I think I’m glad you turned me down for that date now.” Ouch. I didn’t expect Kieran to be so harsh. “You just decided all that for him? Did you ask him what he thinks he deserves?”
“You don’t get it,” I say, and start to pull away from the table.
“Don’t go.” He puts a hand on my arm. “Please. I’m sorry for upsetting you. I obviously don’t have my shit together, either. I mean, look at me. I’m a twenty-five-year-old man who is still too scared about what his friends and family will say to come out.”
I sit back down and pull my mug closer, like it will protect me from the vulnerability of this conversation. “He has this perfect life, and I feel like I’m taking him from it. I’ve never had a perfect life, and I never will.”
“I don’t want to upset you, but it sounds to me like you have no idea if your past, and lack of school and career, is an issue with this guy. But it’s obviously an issue with you. Maybe you have to accept yourself, past and video game job and all, first. Because none of that is a reason to be ashamed or to feel inferior, and I have a feeling your guy would say the exact same thing if you’d only talk to him about it.”
“Hey, I thought I was supposed to be the gay guru here. Damn it.”
We laugh, but damn if Kieran didn’t make complete and total sense.
30
Zach
The doorbell rings early on Saturday morning. Ben woke me up getting in late last night. Knowing that it isn’t my best friend trying to get back in the house, I bury my head back under my pillow. It’s probably one of his latest dates trying for a repeat.
Another round of ringing and knocking rouses me for good this time, and I stumble into the hallway to find Ben’s beat me to the door.
“It’s for you,” he says, and holds it open so I can see who has been so insistent. I’m shocked that it’s for me, but I almost trip on the flat floor at the sight of Parker at my front door.
“Do you want me to let him in?” Ben asks, and I can tell from his expression that Ben is in full mama bear mode, and Parker had better not make a wrong move or he’ll be out on his ass in seconds. Probably with a chunk missing.
In the weeks since Shelby’s shower, I’ve gone into hiding. I tried texting Craig a few times, hoping that he didn’t hate me for everything that I put him through that day, but I knew it couldn’t last. I wouldn’t want to deal with my family either, or the fact that I’m such a selfish dickwad that I made my own cousin-in-law have a miscarriage. I’m totally not worth all that drama.
Ben hasn’t heard from Craig either, because of his new teaching job. Ben’s been the only thing keeping me going. I use his strength, because I just don’t have any of my own these days. He’s been a nonstop support, trying to fill the hole in my heart with Mario Kart and musicals. I might
not deserve Craig, but I fucking miss him. Every day I think the pain will lessen, but it only grows worse.
“Yeah,” I finally say after making Parker stew on the landing outside. “Are you going back to bed?” I ask Ben.
“No, I’m sticking around for this,” he says pointedly as he finally lets Parker inside the apartment.
“I’ll make coffee for three, then.”
Parker looks around the apartment, and I offer him a spot on the couch. This is the first time Parker has ever visited me directly. Our interaction is almost solely at my parents’ house, which isn’t exactly neutral territory. Ben sits next to him, turned sideways so he’s staring – glaring, more like – directly at Parker. They’re silent while I prepare the coffee and bring it over on a tray with sugar and creamer.
“Thank you,” Parker says, and takes a sip of it black. I sit in the chair next to the sofa, but Mr. Perfection can’t bring himself to look directly at me. I have to wonder what terrible news he’s been tasked with telling me for him to be acting this nervous. I can wait until he’s ready, so I take my time preparing my coffee and enjoying the first sip.
Ben is not so patient. “What are you doing here, Parker?”
“Ben,” I try to put a warning in my voice. I’ve ruined this guy’s life. I’m not going to harass him now.
“No,” Ben says, setting his coffee down so hard that it sloshes over the sides and onto the table. “He just shows up out of the blue – I want to know why. Does he even realize everything you’ve been through because of his crazy wife?”