by Lisa Moore
I broke the silence that was so complete it was as if the world around us stood still, holding its collective breath. “It was the purity, the goodness, the transcendent nature of you and your family that saved him.” It was almost as if the two women had forgotten I was present. When they looked at me, as I spoke, it was as if I had broken some thread that connected them. “When the blood of your pure, virtuous family filled his veins, it was as if he were reborn… as if I was reborn.”
Victoria looked at me with tears streaming down her cheeks, the same look of compassion in her eyes. Lily sat, struck momentarily mute, as she tried to process what I just said. To Victoria I said, “I have spent nearly a century trying to atone for the sins of my past. The day I cradled you in my arms, when you touched my cheek, my fangs, you looked at me with such a soulful smile, I did repent, I vowed to never let myself become the soulless monster that gripped me for nearly 10 years. That day I regained the humanity that had been lost when I transitioned into a vampire. I cannot undo the destruction that I caused, not just to my victims, but to the loved ones left to deal with the aftermath. I can only tell you that because of you, and the sacrifice of your family, I was saved from an eternity of depraved merciless indifference to life. I was saved as were the countless number of innocents from a brutal and vicious death. I’m sorry Victoria, for how I irrevocably changed the course of your life. I didn’t choose the life I have; it is the existence which I was given. I don’t expect your forgiveness, but I ask for it. I have tried every day since I placed you on that porch, hiding in the trees, watching until you were safely brought inside, to take a morally correct path. I have given every effort to aid others in need, trying to repay my tremendous debt to humanity.”
Lily looked from me to Victoria and back again, shaking her head in disbelief. I said to her “Lily it is true. I am the creature who came here nearly a century ago, and destroyed a family, but I am, as Victoria said, not that creature. I am the same person who loves you and who you love, the same person who days ago you told, “together we can handle anything that comes our way”. Lily…” as I reached out to touch her arm, the woman I love with all my being pulled away, recoiled, like one would from a cobra. “I’m sorry Victoria, I have to go… I… I… Please forgive me.” And with a pained look in my direction, Lily hastily left the farm house.
I sat there momentarily too overwhelmed by an array of powerful emotions, mine and Lily’s combined by the power of the Evening Star. I knew Lily needed to process what she had just learned. A lifetime of studying what was thought to be just myth has come to be the truth. Not only is she coping with the realization that vampires exist, but knowing now that the man she loved, gave her heart to, is actually a vampire and has kept a secret such as this for so long. I was anguished, knowing I caused her this depth of pain and confusion. I wanted to run after her, to tell her I was still the person she loved. If she would only listen to her heart and the Evening Star, sense her connection to me, feel how much I love her, she would know I am not the monster that killed Victoria’s family.
As if sensing my thoughts Victoria spoke, “You are not a monster Max. She will see that, give her time. Unlike me, she has not had years to accept the reality of your existence. While she may have hoped as a scientist that it be true, the reality for her is now all too real, too personal. Your connection to Lily is strong she will come back around. Now, this has been an emotional day for me as well. I am not as young or fit as the two of you, and I feel I must retire to my room for a rest. I would like to meet with you again Max. I have so many questions I would like to ask. If you wouldn’t mind, I ask you not to personally visit with Jed. He is older than I, and frail of body. His mind is sharp as a tack, but the shock of seeing you might be more than his heart could take. To him you are a monster. Your face is the subject of nightmares and guilty torment that he did nothing to stop what he saw happening. Perhaps you could come by tomorrow, alone. We have so much to discuss. I am glad fate has brought you here Max. I want you to know I forgive you, for I know it was not of your choice to do as you did.”
I found it difficult to express my gratitude for the unbelievable kindness she showed by giving me her forgiveness. My only response, “Victoria, I am forever in your debt.” “Well now Max, we will talk again tomorrow. I must ask that you go now so that I may rest.”
I left the farm house. I walked out into the radiance of a stunning sunset, I felt buoyed, lighter then I have for nearly a century. Victoria’s act of compassion, her forgiveness, relieved me of a burden I had carried with me every day for so long. I knew if Lily would find it in her heart to accept me, to forgive me for the lies and deception, it would be possible to have the life I dreamed with her. If not, if she could not accept me, then I would go. Off to some remote land to spend my existence alone, with just the memories of the blissful time I shared with her to sustain me. I walked slowly back to the inn and went up to our room. I found a note from Lily that read,
Max,
I do not have the words to express how I feel right now, perhaps a little like Alice after she fell through the rabbit hole. The events of this afternoon have left my world turned upside down. Please give me some time alone. I will tell the others you are away researching something for me. I don’t think it wise for you come to interview Jed. Give me a few days to sort things through and then we will talk.
Lily
I grabbed a few items from my suitcase tossed them in my back pack, and left the inn. I left no note, for what could I say in a note? I left hoping that Lily would call me back to her accepting embrace. I realized, I may never hold her in my arms again, never again feel the warmth of her body pressed against mine, never again hear the words, I love you uttered from her beautiful lips. My buoyed state deflated, I sunk into an abyss of loneliness and loss. I said I would suffer an eternity of loss and it would be worth it for the chance to love Lily. I still believe that to be true, but I had hoped for an opportunity to love her for much longer. And when I thought of losing her, it was in death, not rejection.
I walked away from the inn and headed out to find a place where I could go and be alone. I needed to meditate, like I had done in the bear den. Lily felt my emotions then, even if she didn’t realize it. Perhaps I could focus on the thread that connects us, send out my love to Lily. Perhaps she will finally feel the connection we share through the Evening Star. If she listens to it, I hope it leads her back to me. For now, I will go away. Tomorrow, while Lily meets with Jed, I will have another visit with Victoria.
Chapter 32
A World Upside Down
I spent the night contemplating the simple letter Lily had written. I could understand her feeling as if her world were turned upside down. In minutes she went from contemplating the existence of vampires, with all her theories and ideas of what a vampire might be like, to being faced with the reality that not only do they exist, but she was currently in love with one. I imagine she feels betrayed by me for keeping the truth from her for so long, but it was now a question if she feared me. I can still feel the emotional sting of when she recoiled from my touch earlier. I didn’t sense fear in her now, but there was confusion and unease, anger, sadness and a lingering distrust. It remains to be seen how she will respond after hearing what Jed has to say, I only hope he saw very little and forgot a great deal.
I walked the lush hill side, looking for a secluded place to pass the evening. I suppose I could have gotten a room at another location, but being out in the elements is more aligned with my nature. Besides, when I am outside I feel much more in tune with myself. That is what I was trying to do as I sat under a Miro tree, a local type of evergreen, and slowly worked to clear my thoughts. Now that my secret is out, I have nothing to hide from Lily. I can open myself completely to her, let her feel me, the true me, for who, and what I am. It is actually quite liberating, freed from maintaining a false identity, not the very least having to pretend to eat food. I was final
ly free to let myself commit fully to loving her without the guilt of always having to lie, about something. I let the feeling of relief wash over me. I was determined to keep my emotions focused on the positive, focused on the love and concern I have for Lily. I wanted her to find the thread as I have. I believe if she does, she will see we are meant to be together. I know this in my soul, we are meant to be together, I kept repeating the line in my mind, we are meant to be together…
I sat nearly motionless for hours sending out a beacon of love to Lily, desperate for her to find the thread of our connection. Shortly before dawn I moved for the first time. I wanted to let Lily feel the real me. Well, the real me, can experience some very thrilling things. I always feel so amazing when I let myself go, unleash the man not bound by physical limitations, and explore the world around me as only a vampire can. It is still exhilarating climbing hundreds of feet up an ancient redwood to view the world from that vantage point or to run with a heard of deer or to find some new way to enjoy the wonders of the natural world using whatever special abilities I may have by virtue of being a vampire. Every day is an opportunity for adventure. The only thing I need to make it the adventure of a lifetime is to spend it with Lily for her lifetime.
I can’t be sure of what she may or may not have felt as I projected my positive energy toward her. I decided to walk into town to the local coffee shop. I would freshen up in their washroom before going to see Victoria. I may even sit and pretend to drink coffee and read the local paper. Reading the local paper and listening in on the local chatter can be very insightful, when one is trying to learn about an area. It seemed that the “presence of researchers” visiting the Carpenter and Thomas homes did not go unnoticed. Many a raised eyebrow and whispered voice referred to me or Lily. I caught several furtive glances cast my way as the locals gossiped about our visit. From my eavesdropping I learned that while not public record, it seemed that the locals if not outright believers in the story of a vampire attack, were at least open to discussing it as an alternate theory to the public record of animal attack.
After turning down a refill twice, I left the waitress a five dollar tip on a one dollar check, and went to meet with Victoria. We never set on a time to meet, but it was after 10:00 and I was anxious to do something. Waiting around was getting me nowhere, I was just getting restless. Besides, I didn’t want to run into Lily going in or out of Jed’s house. I wanted to give her the space she requested. I also wanted to avoid being seen by Jed or his giant son. I didn’t want to take the chance of anyone connecting the dots, so to speak.
When I walked up to Victoria’s house she was sitting on the porch. In a million years I would never have expected to find her out on the rocker smoking a joint. But there she was toking away, like she had done it often. My sly smile as I approached caused Victoria to acknowledge with a nod toward the joint in her hand as she exhaled a cloud of fragrant smoke. “It’s medicinal” she declared as she took another toke. It was then that I noticed how thin her frame truly was. If I looked closely I could imagine how much healthier she would look with a few pounds on her. On further observation I noticed a sallow tone to her skin. She was not well. Today Victoria looked more tired and frail than the vibrant historian she appeared to be yesterday. I imagine the experience was quite draining for her, finally knowing the truth of her past.
“Good morning Victoria.” I said as I came up the steps. “Good morning Max” she answered as she tapped out the joint, half smoked. I wanted to ask her, medicinal for what, but instead I waited for her to start the conversation. I felt certain if she wanted to tell me, she would, in her own time. “Has Lily talked to you yet?” she inquired gently. “She left a note. She wanted to be alone for a while to sort things out” I told her. As Victoria waved me over to a seat next to her she said, “I see, she will come around, give her some time.” I answered sincerely, “I am a little concerned about what she will think after she speaks to Jed. I don’t know what or how much he saw, but I am sure it wasn’t good. I am worried she will fear me. I would rather suffer the very fires of hell then harm Lily, I hope she recognizes that.”
Victoria and I talked for a while out on the porch, but as noon approached, she invited me in for tea. Knowing I had no need to drink it, the invitation was merely a way to get me inside so as not to see Lily or Jed. I had spent the morning answering a myriad of questions about life as a vampire. Victoria seemed to have an endless number of questions. Shortly after noon I was overcome by a powerful feeling of revulsion and fear. I could sense the sickening feeling of bile coming up Lily’s esophagus, of the physical nausea she was experiencing. I had to collect myself for a moment, the raw emotions so visceral, I felt as if I might actually vomit. Lily was afraid. How could I salvage what was us, if she feared me?
Victoria saw my reaction and asked “Is everything alright?” I replied “No, it’s Lily. What ever Jed has told her, has left her repulsed and fearful, I can feel it. I can never have a life with her if she is afraid of me. I don’t know how I could possibly change her opinion of me. We have been so close these past few months, if she hasn’t seen in that time that I would never hurt her, I don’t know what else would change her mind.”
Victoria thought about what I just said and after a few moments replied, “I had hoped Max that my being able to forgive and accept you, would be enough for Lily to accept you. I meant it when I said you both seem very connected. I felt and still do that the strength of your bond will overcome this. It is also why I asked such a personal question as to your intentions to share your life with her. If you would have answered me differently, Lily would have returned to New York, without the truth, and I suspect I would have been killed.” “What do you mean?” My shock at her cavalier remarks of me killing her, were evident in my tone. “Well, I just thought that if you would tell her the truth, then you must want to try and live on the path of goodness and light, if you chose to hide the truth from her then you must not want her to know the true you. That would be deception and lead down the path of evil and darkness, which for a vampire, usually involves feeding from and killing someone. Since I obviously knew immediately who and what you are, and I knew you were aware of that fact, then I figured you wouldn’t let me live.”
“How can you talk like that, so casually?” I asked in amazement. “You know the answer to that question. You figured it out on the porch, am I right?” I responded somberly, “I surmised you are not well. Having only just met you it is hard to know how sick, but I imagine now you are terminal. That is why you were not worried about the outcome, you are already dying. Am I right?”
“I have an inoperable brain tumor. It is growing rapidly. I get blinding headaches, severe nausea and my vision is becoming diminished. I have been given six months at best. However, the pain will worsen, and I will go blind and as the pressure builds and more areas of brain are compromised, I will deteriorate rapidly and soon die. Oh, please don’t look at me like that, I never could stand pity.” “It is not with pity that I look at you Victoria. It is more like wonder. Why have you forgiven me? How can you sit talking to me, as if we were two old friends having tea, when you know what I did to your family?”
I couldn’t fathom how Lily, who has felt the depths of my love, could fear me while Victoria, who had every reason to fear and loathe me, could accept me and forgive me. I added, “Victoria, when I first found out about the specifics of this trip, I was afraid of facing the demons of my past. I had never dreamed of seeing you again, let alone being forgiven by you and accepted. But once I found out it was you that Lily was coming to interview, I felt as if I had to follow the path laid before me, whatever the consequences. I never dreamed I would fall in love with a mortal woman or ever have a chance to feel the love of another. When that happened it was under the guise of being human. I wanted our love to be pure. I knew I had to reveal the truth. I felt that somehow you were the answer to my salvation and to Lily being able to accept me. I thought Lily o
f all people, who likes to be open to the possibilities of the fantastical, who has researched vampires since she was a child, who believed they were misunderstood, I thought she would understand me.”
“Have you told her that?” Victoria asked. “Go to her. Tell her what you told me. She will see you, as I do. A vampire yes, but not the soulless creature detached from all humanity that destroyed my family, the real you, intelligent, thoughtful and deeply connected to your humanity. It is as if, you have undergone an evolutionary change. Becoming a more efficient organism than humans, with a deeper connection to nature and the world you live in, combined with the humanity and goodness of your previous human self. I have no doubt Max that you are on the path of goodness and light. Go find Lily, talk to her. Tell her what you have told me. What ever happens, I would like to see you both at least one more time before you leave. Good luck Max. If you’re honest and open, she will see it. She will feel it and know it is right for you two to be together.”
I thanked Victoria again for all the kindness she has shown me and as I walked to the door she said “Max, if you could leave out the part of my dying, I would appreciate it.” “Of course Victoria, I will see you again soon.” I stepped outside into the waning daylight and started to walk back to the inn to find Lily. I hoped Victoria was right. If Lily would just let me explain everything, she would see the overwhelming love I have for her. I hoped it would be enough.