No Regrets

by Vivian Ward

  Hearing him tell his story, watching him relive it, was heart wrenching. He’s always been such a great guy, the kind that would beat up an asshole who was mistreating a woman, the kind who would kick the shit out of a guy if he beat his dog…the kind of guy who would rescue a girl and her kid out of a fire.

  Too afraid to ask, I had to assume it was this park. His eyes became icy, glazed over as he looked down on the bench area of the park. It had to be here. “Don’t be. Your past is what makes you who you are today.” Suddenly, it made perfect sense. I understood why he wasn’t an engineer; I knew why he was a fireman. They had saved him, and now he was paying it forward, rescuing people out of burning buildings, risking his life.

  “Is that why you’re a fireman?” I wanted to confirm my suspicion and let him know that I understood. I could feel his heart burdened by all the pain.

  “Yes. My brothers, they saved my life. I owe it to them. I owe them everything. It’s my duty to be by their side every time they enter a collapsing building to search for victims. They had my back, and now I have theirs. It’s a code that we live by when we enter that brotherhood.”

  Hearing him talk about his past, why he became a fireman and what it all meant to him was the sexiest damned thing I’d ever heard. I turned over, pushed him down on the grass and parted his lips with my tongue as I placed my hand on his heart. He grabbed my waist, pulling me off of him as he laid me next to him, still kissing me. Tugging on his hair, I bucked my hips, teasing him and showing him that I wanted more.

  The salmon and purple-streaked sunset was beginning to expose all the tiny diamonds that glittered in the Memphis night sky. “The park is going to be closing soon. Why don’t we pack up and get out of here? I know a place that we can go.”

  Parked at Tom Lee Park overlooking the Mississippi River, he killed the engine of his truck and played some smooth jazz on the radio before we got out and sat in the bed of his pickup. The half-crescent moon hung low in the sky, blanketing the city in a dim glow from the view on top of the cliff overlooking the city. Storm clouds were beginning to roll in, cooling the air, making me shiver as I took in the stunning view from the Memphis Bridge.

  “Cold?” he asked as he pulled me into his arms.

  “Yeah,” I rested my head on his chest. I could hear his heart beating as we watched the dark clouds swirl around the moon, blocking it periodically. “Oh, I forgot to tell you. Trish moved out of Susan’s place!”

  “What does that mean? Are you moving in with her? She seems nice, and she doesn’t want to kill me,” he teased.

  “No, I’m going to stay at Lance’s house, but Trish was on the housing list, so that means that the list is moving. I might be closer to getting a place of my own.”

  “That’s good,” he stroked my hair, “but most of the housing units are in some of the worst spots in town. I hate to see you move into a bad neighborhood. Living with your brother’s one thing because he can protect you, but living by yourself? That’s just crazy talk.”

  “I was thinking that if things were still going well by the time they got to me on the list, you could maybe come live with us?”

  “Is that right?” he kissed me. “We’ll have to see about that.”

  Chapter 15

  Matt

  I hated telling her about what happened in my past; it felt like I was reliving the whole damned thing but I didn’t want her thinking it was her. The last thing I’d ever want to do is hurt her. Opening up to her like that made me realize how many feelings I still have for her. I think I’m falling in love with her all—Shit. There it is. The “L” bomb. Did I really just go there?

  Ever since we started seeing each other again, I haven’t thought clearly. My mind was consumed by constant thoughts about her. It didn’t matter if I was paired up with Zack in a fire while searching for victims or trying to go to bed, all I could think about was her. How much I wanted to be with her and how much I couldn’t wait to start the rest of our lives together forever.

  My actions didn’t go unnoticed by Chief, though. He could tell that I was zoning out, taking unnecessary risks and getting sloppy, but I just couldn’t fucking help it. I had gone into his office twice in the last couple of weeks because of simple, stupid mistakes that I had made while we were working. It also didn’t help that I had barely been showing up for shifts on time and was eager to go home if there was an opportunity to leave early.

  The major problem, though? I didn’t care. Yes, I cared that I could have put my life or one of my brother’s lives in jeopardy, but I didn’t care about my attendance or punctuality. I didn’t care that I’d been zoning out. Stephanie and I had been spending more time together than ever. Sometimes we would go to the Pink Galleon to shoot pool and play games, sometimes we’d take Andrew to the park, and once I had gone over to Susan’s to have dinner with them.

  For me, life was great. I was happy, she was happy, and we were having fun. Building our relationship was the only thing that mattered to me. Work, my career, everything else, it all came last. I had her back in my life, and I wasn’t letting her go. This was my second chance, and I was seizing every opportunity that I could to make up for lost time.

  Just last night, we took Andrew skating and had a blast. It was, at least, a decade ago that I had roller skated, but it all came back to me when I rolled out to the wooden floor. The fresh coat of wax and strobe lights reminded me how old I was, and how fragile my tail bone was. I only fell once, but I couldn’t say the same for Stephanie. She fell a few good times, but I was right there to pick her up.

  I was only about four hours into my 48-hour shift when she called me, frantic and crying.

  “What’s wrong, babe?” I sat up in my chair, ready to kill someone if they’d hurt her.

  “Oh my god, he’s so pissed. I don’t know what’s going to happen to me,” she cried into the phone.

  “Who? What are you talking about?” I snarled.

  “My brother! Lance knows about us, Matt,” her voice trembled.

  Shit. That wasn’t good at all. I figured we’d have a little more time until he found out. “How did he find out?”

  “Andrew. When Joe took him yesterday, he told him all about you and how much fun we’d been having. I was gone at church—in my women’s support group—and Joe dropped him off with my brother since I was gone. Joe didn’t know who you were so he asked my brother about you. After they had started talking, Andrew told them that you were the fireman who had been at the house, they knew exactly who you were.”

  “Dammit! Okay,” I looked at the clock. It was almost lunch time. “Where are you now?”

  “I’m at work, Matt. I’m so afraid to go back home.”

  “What happened when you came back from your church group meeting last night?”

  “I didn’t get home until late because I stayed after to help Susan make hope bracelets for next week’s meeting. By the time I got in, Andrew was asleep, and I was exhausted so Lance didn’t say too much to me but I know he’ll have plenty to say when I get home tonight. He just let me know that he knew what was going on.”

  “So you haven’t talked to him?”

  “No, not yet. I know it sounds stupid, but I feel like a school girl who’s afraid to go home because the principal called her daddy.”

  “Shit. I would go with you, but I can’t. The Chief will have my balls on a platter if I try to leave tonight to face your brother with you. Is there any way that you can go to Susan’s after work so you can avoid him until I get off work?”

  “Matt, he’s been babysitting Andrew for me. I have to go home because that’s where Andrew is.”

  “How much longer is he babysitting him for you? When does he go back to work?”

  “On Monday.”

  “Shit, that’s four days away.”

  “I know. That’s what makes it worse. There’s no way you could sneak away? Not even for a little bit so we can talk and figure out what I’m going to say to him when I get home? I’m so scared
.”

  Sometimes I hate responsibility. I could hear the fear in her voice as it trembled on the other end of the line. “I wish I could, Stephanie, but the Chief has been on my case lately. If I tried taking off or got caught sneaking away to see you, I could jeopardize my promotion and my job.” I thought for a second. “But you could come here if you wanted to. There’s nothing that says you can’t come to the fire station.”

  “No, I don’t want everyone to know my business, and we wouldn’t have any privacy there. I guess I’ll just go home and face the music. What’s the worst he could say? I’m a grown woman.” She grew silent for a moment. “I don’t want him to hate me, Matt. None of this is your fault, and it’s certainly not my fault either.”

  “If you don’t think you can wait, go ahead. You can always call me or come by if you change your mind.”

  I hated that I couldn’t be there for her but with the mistakes I’d been making there was no way that I could just up and leave work. If I did something like that, the Chief might not ever recommend me for that promotion and it was so important to me. I had worked hard for it, and it wasn’t something that I was going to let slip through my fingers. On the other hand, the last thing I wanted her to do was to face him alone. I should be there. I wanted to be there.

  Chapter 16

  Stephanie

  I dreaded the drive home. When Lance confronted me last night, he was eerily quiet. The kind of calm before a storm, and I knew he was sitting at home brewing up something dramatic for when I walked through that door. I knew that there was nothing I could say that would change his mind. He and my whole family—including me—had made up our minds over eight years ago. Why would he suddenly listen to me now? He didn’t have any incentive to.

  Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes and reached to put my key in the door, but it popped open before I got that far.

  “I was watching for you to come home,” Lance said, holding the door open, waiting for me to walk inside. I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. If looks could kill, I thought he was going to brutally murder me right there on the stoop of his porch.

  I was shocked when my arm was grabbed, and I was snatched inside the house. I had to do a double-take because I didn’t even see him grab my arm. It happened that fast, but once I was inside, I quickly realized he hadn’t grabbed my arm. It was Joe.

  “Who in the hell do you think you are dating that man?” he snapped at me. If I thought my brother’s eyes had looked mad, they were tame compared to Joe’s wild eyes. His eyebrows were arched, and his pupils had dilated to the size of quarters. He inched closer to my face, making me lean back, trying to get away from him.

  “He’s not a bad guy! Lance,” I looked at my brother as I tried to avoid eye contact with Joe, “he never turned you in. It was all a misunderstanding. His dad was eavesdropping on our conversation while we talked on the phone.”

  “If you think you’re going to take my boy around that dude, you’re fucking crazy!” he snarled as his nose wrinkled. His breath smelled like booze. He had definitely been drinking, Hennessy if I had to guess. “What you got to say, bitch?” he slapped me across the face.

  Before I could respond, there was a knock at the door. All of our attention darted in that direction as I held my burning face. It stung like hell where he had slapped me. Under any other circumstances, Lance would have knocked his ass to the ground for laying a hand on me, but he was pissed. He almost had a look of satisfaction on his face.

  “Coming,” Lance said as he walked towards the door and opened it. “Oh hell naw!” He turned to look at Joe with a wise-ass grin plastered across his face. It was the look of the devil himself. “Looks like we’ve got someone our own size,” he snickered and stepped to the side.

  Oh no. Matt was standing on the porch stoop. “Matt, leave!” I yelled. He was outnumbered, and he had no clue how bad of a temper Joe had, especially when he had been drinking. I’d never really told him how Joe would lock me in our apartment or how he would occasionally slap me. I left out those parts of our failed relationship because no sister wants to talk about how her man mistreated her and she was dumb enough to stay.

  “Naw, come on in,” Joe said, pulling up his pants, cracking his knuckles. “We were just about to tell Stephanie how fucking STUPID she is, but since you’re here, you’re gonna get a good ol’ fashioned beat down!”

  Andrew. Oh Lord, where’s Andrew. I scanned the house for him but didn’t see him anywhere. I didn’t want him to witness what was about to go down because I’d seen it before. There had been many times that Joe would get into bar fights, or Lance would get pissed and beat the shit out of someone. “Where’s Andrew?” I cried out.

  “He’s in a safe place,” Lance gave me the side eye, not wanting to look away from Matt.

  “Where?” I demanded.

  “I had your friend Susan pick him up. You know,” now he was looking at me, “since she likes to watch him so much while the two of you go out.”

  Shit. Andrew had told them everything.

  “You know, Stephanie’s a big girl, and she can date whoever she wants,” Matt spoke up.

  That was all it took. Joe barreled out the front door, hurling his fist at Matt’s face. Matt jumped off the porch and landed on the sidewalk. Before I could blink my eyes, the three of them were tangled up, fighting one another. My brother clocked him square in the jaw; I thought it was going to knock him out, but it didn’t. Joe took a swing, but Matt countered it and hit him with an uppercut. It seemed like everything was going in slow motion as I watched Joe’s head bounce backward and blood fling through the air.

  “Stop it! Stop right now!” I screamed. I wanted to break them up but I couldn’t. Fists were flying, and they were all tearing each other apart. I heard sirens in the distance and looked in the direction that they were coming from. Within a couple of minutes, the red and blue lights pulled onto our street.

  “Police! Everyone surrender, now!”

  Two cops charged toward the trio as more cop cars pulled onto our block and jumped out of their units. All of the neighbors were outside on their porches, staring at the commotion as it all went down. The only thing I could do was sit on the porch with my head in my hands. A voice caught my attention; it was loud mouth Breezy on the phone calling everyone to tell them what was going on in our front yard.

  “Shut the hell up, Breezy! And hang up that damned phone!” I don’t know what got into me, but at that moment, I’d had enough of everyone and everything.

  It was a couple of days before I got to see my brother or Matt, and I had no intention of seeing Joe until the next time we were exchanging custody of Andrew. The Memphis police department had locked all of them up and interviewed each one separately to see if the others wanted to press any charges. Surprisingly, they all said no.

  Matt and I met up to discuss things at the Pink Galleon, where we had our first—unofficial—date. Them spending a couple of days in jail had given me some time to think and reflect on things, and I wanted to talk to him about the revelation that I had. I was sitting at a table when I saw him walk in.

  “I’m sorry about what happened the other night,” he started.

  I held up my hand, “Stop. You don’t need to apologize.” I took a sip of my soda, “While you were…away,” I put air quotes on ‘away’ for emphasis, “I had some time to think.”

  “Stephanie, you’re starting to worry me. Just say what you want to say.”

  I looked at a neon Grizzlies sign hanging on the wall. There was no way I could say this while looking at him. The steel bar of the chair felt warmer than my heart at that moment. “I don’t think this is going to work. My whole family blames you for everything—Lance going to jail prison, him going to jail this weekend and everything else. I can’t be arguing with my family like this. My parents were so shocked and disappointed that—”

  “Wait a minute. Are you telling me that you’re going to throw away everything you want, all of your feelings, your,” he
leaned in and lowered his voice, “sex life for everyone else?” He paused, waiting to hear my answer. “Stephanie?”

  “I don’t know what to say. What do you want me to do?” And there they were. Tears started forming, and the lump in my throat threatened to suffocate me. I was trying not to cry. I didn’t want to look weak in front of him.

  “I want you to say that you’ll be with me, Stephanie. You’re killing me,” he reached across the table, taking my hand into his. “Please?”

  “I think we need to take a break.” I stood up and pulled my purse strap onto my shoulder, “It was nice spending time with you.” I kissed his cheek and marched out the door, refusing to look back.

  Hot tears stung my eyes as I gasped for fresh air once I was outside. I hate my brother. I hate Joe. I hate everyone right now!

  Chapter 17

  Matt

  Out of all the days I have dreaded going to work, my first day back after getting arrested was the worst. Chief made sure he was there when my shift started and had me in his office at 7:00 on the dot. Judging by his gruff voice and tightened jaw, I knew I was in hot water.

  “Sit down, son,” he pointed to the red cushion chair in his office. Chief has always had a little rosacea on his cheeks, but his face wasn’t the typical shade of cherry from his skin condition, it was much darker, almost a scarlet.

  I sat in the chair waiting for him to start, but he said nothing. He stared at me until I became uncomfortable. I shrugged my shoulders, “What Chief?”