by E. K. Blair
Tossing my bag in my bedroom, I take out my phone to call Candace and let her know I made it. She can’t talk long, so we cut it short, and I tell her that I might be out of pocket for the next few days so she won’t worry if she doesn’t hear from me.
This house feels exactly the same. Nothing ever changes. It’s like my parents have been put on pause ever since Jace died five years ago. Like suddenly the world stopped spinning. I walk down the hall to her room and open the door. Everything is still untouched. Photos still displayed on her pinboard above her desk of her and her boyfriend. She really loved him. They had both been accepted to Cal State. She was so happy that they were going together, and I was happy that she would be less than two hours away from me. I close the door on those memories, head back to my room, and lie on my bed.
I miss her. I miss her so damn much. I think the reason I am bonded so tightly with Candace is because she reminds me a lot of my sister. Sometimes, I swear Jace gave her to me so I would always have a piece of her with me.
I swallow hard and slide off the bed. I’ve got to get out of here for a while. Packing up my wetsuit, I head downstairs and borrow the keys to my father’s truck. I load up my shortboard and head down to the beach. I need some space to clear my head.
I spend most of the afternoon in the water, but La Jolla is a small town, so it isn’t long before I run into some of my buddies I went to high school with. They’re home from college for the summer, and I don’t get home till late.
The next two days pass by with me dodging my parents. I fill most of my time at the beach, surfing, and hanging out with old friends. Last night, a few of us went to a local bar to hear a couple of bands play.
But now, here I am. I have six hours until my flight leaves to take me back to Seattle, and I feel no better about the mess I caused with Mark than I did when I got here. I find myself wandering down to my sister’s room. Walking in, I go over to her dresser and pull out a small photo album she had made of the two of us. She was going to take it to college with her. I look at these pictures every time I come home. I sit on the floor and lean my back against her bed. Flipping the album open, I look at a photo of her and I together on the beach. My eyes are the same light golden color as hers, and as her eyes bore into me, I wonder what she would tell me to do.
I just want to be happy; I don’t want to feel ashamed or embarrassed. Because I feel this way, I screwed up something that had the potential to be good. I know Jace would want me to be happy. She wouldn’t want me to be carrying around this secret. Maybe that’s it. Maybe this lie needs to end where it began. Here. My sister would want me to be honest with my parents, but it’s more than that. I think she would want me to finally be brave enough to be honest with myself.
What do I really have to lose by telling them? It isn’t as if we speak; we don’t. Ever since Jace died, I’ve been nothing but an afterthought for them, and they hardly even acknowledge me.
Coming out to my parents may be just the thing I need to do to erase this gray haze I’ve been living in. The reality of being out with my parents might be my defining moment . . . my freeing moment.
As much as the thought of having that conversation with my parents terrifies me, I think it’s time that it happens.
I focus in on my sister’s eyes in the photo, and I know she’d have my back no matter what, but I fear that telling my parents could possibly be the end of my family. They are all I have, and I’m pretty sure when I get on the plane to go back to Seattle, I will be going back to the only thing I have left in the world—Candace.
My mind is in overdrive, dreading and fearing what I am about to tell my parents. I think about Mark; honestly, I can’t stop thinking about him. I want to call him. I want to explain why I did what I did.
Standing up, I walk over to the dresser and slip the album back into the drawer. I turn around and stare at her bed while I try and muster up all the strength that I feel is failing me in this moment. Jace would tell me to do this. She wouldn’t want me to hurt, and right now, that’s all I’m feeling. For many reasons.
My stomach is in knots, and I feel sick as I start walking out of the room. Making my way down the stairs, I feel like I am losing control with each step I take. What they say or do is completely out of my hands, and I’m scared. I don’t want to hurt them, but I don’t want to hurt myself more than I already have. I hate feeling the shame and embarrassment. I hate the lies. I hate that these feelings caused me to hurt a really decent guy who didn’t deserve my shit.
When I walk into the living room, my mother is reading a book on the couch next to my father, who is working on his laptop. Taking a deep breath and trying to grab on to any shred of courage I can find, I sit down in one of the chairs that’s across from where my parents are sitting.
Looking up, my mother acknowledges me and says, “Hi, dear.”
“Hey, Mom. Umm, listen . . . I need to talk to you guys about something,” I stammer out, and I can’t believe I am about to tell them this. My hands are shaking and my heart is beating at an insanely rapid rate.
“Is everything okay, son?” my father says as he closes the lid to his laptop.
“Yeah, I mean, no.” I take a second to try and compose my thoughts, but they are all over the place, and I can’t seem to find a coherent one floating around my head. “It’s just . . . something has been bothering me, and I think you should know.”
My mother sets her book down on her lap and focuses on me. “Is everything okay at school?”
“Yeah, it’s not that. School is fine.” I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. I know the words I need to say, so with my head down, I repeat them over and over in my mind, trying to force my mouth to actually speak them. I’m gay. I’m gay. I’m gay. Lifting my head up, I look to my mother. “I’m gay.” Fuck! I take that back. God, why did I just tell them?
“I’m sorry, what?” my mother says with her brows cinched together in confusion.
God, don’t make me say it again.
“What did you just say?” My father speaks in a tone that’s none too friendly.
Looking between them, I swallow against my dry throat and repeat, “I’m gay.”
“Is this your idea of a sick joke?” my father says with harsh intent, and I know what’s coming. I knew they wouldn’t be happy. I knew I’d most likely lose them. But the reality of it feeds the anger within me, and I can feel it boiling inside.
“No, it’s not a joke.”
“I don’t understand. You’ve always liked girls. In high school, you were always dating,” my mother says.
“I know, Mom, but I have always liked guys more.”
“Enough,” my father snaps. He stands and begins to quickly pace back and forth across the room, rubbing his head and staring at me with fury. Stopping in front of me, he seethes, “No son of mine is a faggot. I don’t know what the hell is going on, but I’ve heard enough.”
His words sting. “I had to tell you; I’m sick of lying about who I am. I needed you to know so that I can stop hiding.”
“But, you haven’t actually . . . well, I mean . . .” my mother can’t get her thoughts out when my dad butts in.
“God, of course not, Sharon!”
His condescending tone is fueling me to throw it all out there. Standing up, I snap. “What? Kissed a guy? Slept with a guy? Yes.”
“Get out of my house,” my father demands in a low stern voice.
I look to my mother, who is sitting there in shock. With her eyes fixed on me, she shakes her head and says, “Listen to your father.” Tears begin to fall down her cheeks as she stands next to my dad and continues, “I thought losing your sister was bad, but you . . . knowing that you’re going to hell, come in here and shame what’s left of this family . . .”
“You need to get your things and go. Until you can sort yourself out, you’re not welcome in this house. You hear me?”
“I’m your son!”
“No. You’re not. Not anymore,” he asserts st
ernly.
I don’t say another word. There is nothing for me to say. Why would I want to beg these people to accept me? Why should I have to? I turn around and walk back upstairs to my room to pack my bags and call a cab. Pain rips through my chest, knowing that I’ve just lost the only family I have. It’s another burden I’ll have to carry with this life that chose me. I’ve always blamed the lack of love they have for me on the agony of losing their daughter. But now I know, that regardless of whether Jace was dead or alive, they still wouldn’t accept me for who I really am.
I walk down the hall to her room and open the door. I go into her closet and take her La Jolla High cheerleading shirt she always used to wear. Closing the door, I walk over to her dresser, open the top drawer, and grab the photo album.
Taking both of these items, I walk back to my room and pack them into my bag. I just can’t walk away from here without taking pieces of her with me. I zip my bag and let my fears, my worries, my sadness rip out of me. I sit on the floor, against my bed, and the tears fall. I’m so fuckin’ lost right now. I don’t know what to do or where I belong. I feel like everything is crashing down on top of me, and the pain in my chest is almost unbearable.
With my head in my hands, I cry. Being in this house is agonizing. What once held good memories, now only holds burning ones. Knowing my cab will be here any minute, I take my bags and head downstairs. My parents are still in the living room, and they don’t even look up when I walk through and make my way to the front door. It’s as if I don’t even exist.
I’m thoroughly drained when I finally get off the plane and get to my car. As weak as it sounds, I just want to go back to the only home I know. I just want to crawl into bed with her and tell her all this shit and let it out, knowing that she loves me regardless of anything I could possibly say.
I shove my luggage into the back and slide into the driver’s seat. When I turn my phone on, I see I have a missed text from Candace.
Heading out for a few hours. Come by later. Dying to see you.
Knowing that she thought about me enough to even send this text is all I need. I breathe in a sigh of relief and head straight to her house when I see that the text was sent a couple hours ago. Even if she isn’t home yet, hopefully Kimber will be. I just need my friends right now.
I stop by the liquor store first and pick up some wine before driving to their place. When I pull up, Kimber’s car and Candace’s little white Acura are in the driveway. I’ve always had a key to their house, so I don’t even bother ringing the doorbell. I just unlock the door and walk right in.
“Hey, girls,” I call out, and before I can make it to the kitchen to set the wine down, Candace runs into the living room and gives me a big hug. God, this feels good. It’s only been a few days, but I’ve missed her like hell. She looks up at me, and with a huge smile on her face, she gives me a kiss and takes the wine. Kimber steps in and wraps her arms around me as I watch Candace walk into the kitchen.
Kimber starts chatting about some band she saw last night as I make myself comfortable on the couch. Candace walks back into the room and sits on the floor, opening the wine and pouring herself a glass.
Looking up at me, she hands me the bottle and asks, “So how was your trip to San Diego?”
Pouring my wine, I say, “It was good. I hung out with friends, went out to a few bars, and saw some bands. You know, the usual visit home.” I don’t tell her what really happened because I want to talk to her about it in private, away from Kimber. Not that I won’t tell her, but I just want to talk with Candace first.
“Well, we’re glad you’re back,” Candace says with a smile and then takes a sip of her wine.
“You have no idea how happy I am to be back,” I say in all seriousness.
“Man, was it that bad, Jase?” Kimber asks.
“It’s just not home to me anymore. Plus, I missed you bitches.” I laugh in an attempt to shift my mood from its current somber one. “So, what have I missed?” I ask and then down my wine faster than I should, but I’m desperate to take the edge off.
“Well, Candace is dating a douche from Mommy and Daddy’s country club,” Kimber says as she winks at Candace.
“I am not!” she practically squeals, and I really do wonder what the hell I’ve missed in the past few days. Candace looks at me and explains, “We went out for drinks. That’s all.”
“Are you seeing him again?” Kimber questions, teasing Candace, and I can tell she’s getting under her skin.
“You’re seeing him again?” I ask in utter shock. Who is she giving a second date to? “Wait, who’s him? Who are you seeing?”
“No. I mean, yes. God, really, it’s no big deal.”
“Must be if he’s getting a second date,” I say as I take another drink. “Is that where you were earlier? On your date?”
“Uh huh,” she nods.
“Where did you guys go? You never told me,” Kimber asks as she folds her legs underneath her.
“We went to Prescriptions.”
“I love that place,” Kimber says. “Anyway. New subject. What the hell are we doing this week before classes start back up?”
“I have some serious studio time I need to put in. I also have to work.”
“You always keep yourself so busy,” I say. I wish that she wouldn’t. I feel like Candace hides too much behind her school and work.
We kick back for a while, and I enjoy this much-needed distraction from what happened earlier today. We talk about school and what our schedules are going to be like this next quarter. I can tell that Candace is tired, so when Kimber and I decide to turn on the TV, I tell Candace, “Come here, sweetie,” as I motion for her to sit next to me.
Kimber turns on some trash show and Candace lies down with her head on my lap. I comb her hair with my fingers as I sit back and only half pay attention to the TV. After a while, I look down, and Candace is passed out.
“Is she asleep?” Kimber whispers in my direction, and I nod my head yes.
I let her sleep for a little bit longer before I decide to go lay her down.
“I’ll be right back. I’m gonna try and get her to her room without waking her,” I tell Kimber.
“Okay. I’ll go grab the other bottle of wine.”
I nod my head and scoop Candace up in my arms. This chick is tiny and barely weighs anything, so getting her into her bed is no problem. She’s already in her pajamas, so I lie her down and pull the covers over her before heading back out to the living room.
Kimber and I drink the second bottle of wine, and wind up hanging for a couple more hours. When she passes out on the couch, I head to Candace’s room and strip out of my clothes. Sliding into bed behind her, I wrap my arms around her and draw her in close to me. She presses into me, tucking herself tighter against my chest.
“Did I wake you?” I whisper.
“Yeah, but it’s okay,” she says softly. “What time is it?”
“Around two. You passed out, so I carried you in here and hung out with Kimber for a while longer.”
“Is she asleep?”
“Yeah, and snoring like a beast.” Candace laughs, and the sound makes me crack up as well.
She rolls over and lays her head on my chest, and I band my arms tightly around her. I feel like I’m clinging to the only person I have left to depend on.
“So, why did your trip really suck? I know something’s bothering you,” she questions, and I love that she can read me so well.
I let out a deep breath and say, “I told them.”
Her grip on me tightens. “What did they say?”
“They threw me out.” When I tell her, my chest begins to ache, and each breath I take almost feels like painful stabs.
I know she is crying when I feel her tears roll onto my chest. I hate that she’s hurting for me, but in a way, it comforts me to know she cares so much.
“I’m so sorry. Why didn’t you call me?”
“I don’t know. I was embarrassed, I guess. I have
n’t told anyone what happened. I don’t want the pity.”
“You know I don’t pity you, right?”
“Yeah,” I whisper and kiss the top of her head, feeling a little more free now that I’ve told her. I know I have a lot more to tell her, but I won’t tonight. I don’t want to make her more upset, and honestly, I just don’t think I have it in me right now. I’m tired and have had way too much to drink.
“I’m sad because I love you. When your heart hurts, so does mine. Your pain is my pain.”
Each of her words lifts more and more weight off my chest. We lie there and I just hold her.
“You know this is your home, don’t you? Right here with me. Kimber and I are your home. And we don’t give a shit that you like guys.”
I kiss the top of her head again, and she grips me even tighter. I allow her words to comfort me, the words I wish my parents would’ve said. The heat of my tears roll down my temples, and I try to keep my emotions under control so she can’t see how upset I really am.
“Jase?” she finally whispers.
“Yeah, sweetie?”
“I love you.”
“I love you, too.” More than anything in this world.
I haven’t spent much time with Candace this past week. She’s been picking up a lot of extra shifts at work and spending more time in the dance studio before classes start back up next week. I’ve been dreading having to face Mark since we have a couple of classes together this quarter. I think about him a lot and feel terrible for what I did. I’ve thought about texting him, but have no clue what I could possibly say at this point.
Since I came back home, I haven’t spoken to my parents, so I can only assume they meant what they said. It hurts. It hurts to know that I might never see or speak to them again. I just don’t understand how you can turn your back so easily on your child. It makes me think that everything with them, all of the good, was nothing but a lie. Maybe that’s where I learned it from. Maybe pretending comes so easily to me because it’s all my parents ever did.