by E. K. Blair
I don’t really know what I gained from telling them. It didn’t give me what I was hoping for. I’m not sure what it’ll take or what I have to do to be more at peace with myself. I’ve been trying to keep busy so my mind doesn’t wander too much. I’ve been spending a lot of time in the gym and running.
I was shocked when Candace said that she was coming out with Kimber and me tonight. She never goes out with us, but lately, she’s been coming out of her shell a little more. I think all the fighting with her parents has finally taken a toll on her and she’s looking for some sort of release. She even said that the guy she went out with the other day is coming along. I’m not sure if she even likes him, but I’m happy she’s giving it chance.
I decide to head out a little early, needing the distraction. When I arrive at Remedy, I spot some of my friends that are already here. We sit around and talk for a while before my eyes catch Mark as he’s walking in. Shit! It feels like a brick falls in the pit of my stomach. God, he looks good, and a part of me, a really big part, wants to go over and talk to him, but I’m sure I’m the last person he wants to see.
Right behind Mark, Kimber and Candace walk in, and Candace can’t get to me fast enough. I walk toward her and quickly grip her arm, rushing her over to the bar at the back of the club.
“You thirsty?” she asks with sarcasm.
Still freaking out, I say, “Not really. I just saw Mark.” When we get up to the bar, we hop onto a couple of barstools.
“Isn’t that the hottie you used to see that plays guitar?”
“Exactly.” I give her a serious look. I still haven’t told her what happened with Mark. I flag down the bartender and order us some shots and bottles of beer.
Eying me from the side, she says, “Okay, spill it. Clearly you’re into getting drunk, so tell me what happened.”
When the bartender sets the drinks down in front of us, I push two of the shots and a beer over to her, and we both knock the tequila back quickly before I confess, “He caught me kissing his roommate.”
She immediately starts laughing at me, not knowing how I ever felt about him, and jokes, “You can be a slut sometimes, you know?”
“Trust me. I know,” I say and hand her the second shot. We down them and I tell her, “He was really pissed off. I actually feel like total shit about it.”
She lays her hand on my arm and looks at me a little concerned, but she is instantly distracted when a guy comes up from behind and pulls her into his arms.
She turns around to face him. “Hey, Jack.”
I laugh to myself when she nearly stumbles off the barstool and into his arms. Candace never handles hard liquor too well, and it doesn’t take much for her to feel the effects.
She introduces us, and I give him a handshake. I continue to drink my beer as Candace and Jack talk. This guy doesn’t really strike me as her type. I can’t help but feel protective of her. She really doesn’t have anyone in her life to care for her other than Kimber and myself. I know that Candace considers the two of us her family, and there is no doubt that she is my family as well. When I turn back to look at her, she is rolling her eyes at something Jack just said, and I can’t help but laugh at her.
He leans in and whispers something in her ear and the next thing I know, they’re making their way to the dance floor. I order another drink when Kimber grabs the now empty barstool.
“Are we getting drunk?”
Looking over at her, I wink as I take a long swig of my beer, I wink at her.
“Perfect,” she says with an evil grin and then yells at the bartender for a beer. When he slides one to her, she starts chugging the damn thing and turns around in her seat. “Holy shit!”
“What?”
Pointing the neck of her bottle in the direction of the dance floor, she says, “Our girl is giving her date a hard on.”
I turn around and spot Candace dancing with Jack. I start laughing at her because she is acting so out of character. She is always so quiet and reserved, and she is nearly making out with this dude in the middle of the club.
“What the hell has gotten into her lately?” I ask Kimber.
“She said that she feels like she hasn’t really let loose since coming to college. I guess this is her way of having some fun. It’s pretty damn amusing if you ask me. Our quiet, little Candace, acting like a hooker.”
I shake my head at Kimber. “You know damn well that Candace would never do anything with that guy.”
When we see Jack’s hands squeeze her ass, we both bust out in a fit of laughter, nearly doubling over at her crazy behavior.
“You sure about that?” Kimber says through her giggles.
I stay at the bar and continue to nurse my beer. Kimber has ditched me, and when I turn to see where she went, I spot Mark again. I watch him laughing with a group of his friends, and I wish I could be over there with him. I’m sure he hasn’t seen me since I’ve been hiding out back here. I finally stand up and make my way over to the rest of our friends and see that Jack is sitting alone.
“Where’s Candace?” I ask as I sit next to him.
“That crazy blonde girl dragged her to the bathroom.”
“That would be Kimber. She’s like a rabid squirrel on acid,” I say with laughter.
When Candace comes up to us, she asks Jack what he’s laughing at. She squeezes herself in between the two of us and he says, “I can’t even remember now that you’re here.”
The look on her face is priceless, and I chuckle under my breath. She has no clue how to respond when guys say sweet things to her. She always gets so embarrassed, and Jack is completely clueless.
It’s getting late, so Kimber and I call it a night. Candace decides to stay a little while longer with Jack, so we say our goodbyes and head out. Walking out to the parking lot, I notice Mark heading to his car. I turn to Kimber and say, “Hey, I’ll catch you later, okay?”
“Yeah, have a good night,” she says as she turns to her car.
I’m not sure what I’m doing or what I’m gonna say, but I call out, “Mark.”
He turns around, and when he looks at me, he shakes his head and says, “We’ve got nothing to talk about, man.”
“Wait. Just give me a second.” I hate feeling like I have been for the past couple of weeks, and I figure if I can be honest with my parents, then I can be honest with him. He deserves an explanation and an apology.
He leans against his car and folds his arms across his chest as I approach. Clearly he’s still pissed. But what he does to me when I’m around him is something that I can’t explain. I feel it in my chest, it courses through me, and suddenly I’m nervous.
“Can I just explain myself?” I ask as I step in front of him.
“I don’t really think there is anything you could say at this point.”
Dropping my head, I take a second before looking into his eyes, and I instantly feel a need to beg him for another chance. I’m not quite sure where this is coming from, but I take a huge leap and follow my heart. “I know ‘I’m sorry’ isn’t enough, but I am. I really fucked up.”
I step to move beside him and lean up against the car next to him. Shoving my hands in my pockets, I make my confession. “I was scared.”
When I say this, Mark finally turns his head and looks at me.
I continue, “I was scared because I’ve never done this before. I’ve never wanted to be around another guy the way I want to be around you. The thing is . . . I’m not sure what the hell I’m doing.”
“Why couldn’t you just talk to me?”
“Because it wasn’t until I met you that I realized I was terrified to admit that I’m gay.” I stop, trying to find the words to explain myself. “I mean, I’ve always known, but the idea of a relationship just seemed too defining, and I wasn’t sure I was ready. I . . . a part of me is still really uncomfortable with this,” I admit.
“So what does that have to do with you making out with Kyle?”
“I didn’t know how to ta
lk to you, so it was my fucked up way of destroying whatever it was that we had going on so that I didn’t have to deal with it.” I am nothing but honest with him, and although I could just be pissing him off even more, I feel like I owe him this.
He turns his head away from me and focuses straight forward. I notice his clenched jaw, but I stay quiet, waiting for some kind of response. Keeping his eyes ahead, he says, “I really liked you, you know?”
“I’m sorry.”
He surprises me when he reveals, “I still really like you.”
My heart thuds hard in my chest when he tells me this. He still doesn’t look at me, but I decide to return his honesty and tell him, “I flew home and told my parents last weekend. I never told them before because I was afraid of what that meant for me.”
He looks at me when I say this and takes a moment before responding. “You don’t have to explain. I’ve been there. I felt the same way.”
I nod my head and finally realize that if only I would have been honest with him, he possibly could have really helped me. Maybe he still can.
“What did they say?” he asks.
Shaking my head, I turn to look away from him when I say, “It’s over. They threw me out, told me not to come back or call.” When I turn to look back at him, the look in his eyes is of disbelief. “I wasn’t completely surprised. I knew that would most likely be their reaction.”
“Then why?”
“I hoped it would help me come to terms with all of this.”
“Did it?”
“Honestly . . . I don’t know, but at least I’m able to tell you everything I was too scared to say before.”
We stand there without speaking when the mist turns into thicker sprinkles, but we don’t move. I wish I knew what he was thinking. I’m feeling anxious and extremely exposed right now. But he gives me a little hope when he turns to face me and asks, “So what do you want now?”
“I know I don’t have any right to ask you to forgive me, but I feel like absolute shit for what I did, and I’m so sorry.” I swallow hard when I admit, “I really like you, Mark. I just want a chance to show you that I’m not an asshole.”
“I know you’re not an ass, but you really let me down. I’m not sure I can trust you.”
“Let me show you that you can,” I say, and I know with those words that I can’t let my fears get in the way again. I need to face this. I need to learn to be okay with myself.
When I see him nod his head, I can’t fight my smile. I want to kiss him. God, I want to kiss him so bad, but I don’t. I just wrap my arms around him and pull him in for a hug. When I feel his arms band around me, I say once again, “I’m so fuckin’ sorry.”
“No more apologies. Let’s just start over.”
He leans back slightly, and I don’t take what I want to take. I want him to know that I want something more than just that. So, I simply leave it with, “Coffee? Tomorrow?”
He smiles and responds, “Sounds good. I’ll call you when I wake up.”
I nod my head and take a step back when Mark opens his door and hops in the driver’s seat. Before he closes the door, he says, “Jase . . . thanks for being honest with me.”
“Thanks for giving me the chance.”
Mark called this morning like he said he would. I suggested we meet at Peet’s on the ground floor of my apartment building. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t still anxious about all of this, but the feeling of not wanting to walk away from Mark is stronger than my fear of defining who I am to myself.
I shrug on a t-shirt and grab my keys before making my way to the elevator. I arrive before he does, so I go ahead and get a coffee before finding a seat by the window to wait for him. It’s raining pretty hard today, and I watch as it falls from the dark sky.
I pull my phone out and shoot Candace a text. I really need to talk to her about everything that’s been going on.
Can I see you later?
I sit for a while and drink my coffee before my phone buzzes with her response.
Yeah, I’ll be home.
Okay, I’ll text you in a bit. Love you.
“Hey, man,” I hear Mark say, and I shove my phone in my pocket as I stand up to give him a hug. I’ll take all the touches I can from this guy.
Seeing his coffee already in hand, we sit down and he says, “How’s it going?”
“Good. You?” I ask as he nods his head and leans forward, resting his elbows on the table.
“I was thinking about what you said last night. About your parents and all.”
I shake my head. “Don’t worry about it.”
“Are they all the family you have?”
“Yeah, but we haven’t been close for a long time. It’s not like we really ever spoke.”
He takes a long sip of his drink and sets his cup down. “So what are you gonna do?”
“There’s nothing I can do. It’s done with. They were pretty final with what they said. I know them well enough to know when they shut down, they don’t open back up.”
He shakes his head, and I know this bothers him. So I assure him, “I’m not alone, if that’s what you’re wondering. I have a really close friend that I’ve always considered my family.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah. Actually, I should probably talk to you about her.” I need to explain our relationship to him because I know it isn’t typical. He needs to know how we are, and I need to know if this bothers him.
“Okay? You’re making me nervous,” he says with a chuckle.
“No, it’s nothing crazy, we just have a strong relationship, and I want you to understand that it’s nothing beyond friends.”
“What do you mean?”
Leaning back in my seat, I tell him, “We’re really close. I mean, we’re physically close as well. It’s just always been that way with us. Her name’s Candace. She’s a sweet girl, but in many ways, extremely closed off. Her parents are dicks to her. But, anyway, I just need you to know that we spend a lot of time together . . . we spend a lot of nights together in each other’s beds. But it isn’t like what most people would assume at all. She’s just a friend . . . well, family really. She’s all I’ve had for a long time.”
He nods his head, but doesn’t say anything at first. I worry that he might not be okay with this, but when he says, “I think it’s good that you have someone like that in your life,” I relax a little bit.
“Are you sure you don’t have a problem with it?”
“Look, I don’t know much about you, but I hate that you don’t have a family that supports you,” he says, and I know his words are genuine. “So, if this girl can give you what you can’t find from anyone else, then yeah, I can be okay with it.”
Curious about his family, I ask, “So how did your parents react when you told them?”
“They took it pretty well. I didn’t tell them for what felt like a long time. I was terrified they’d react badly. I was scared shitless, to be honest. But it worked out. My parents have never treated me differently from the way they always have. They love me regardless . . . it really bothers me that you didn’t get that.”
I can’t help but feel a twinge of jealousy, wishing that I had what he has. How easy it must be, but in a way, he’s right. Although I have Candace, I still feel very much alone.
“Well, since I can’t introduce you to my family, you want to try and get together with me and meet Candace and her roommate, Kimber? They are pretty much who I spend most of my time with.”
He smiles, big, and it’s perfect. “I’d love to.”
I smile back and can’t really understand why he’s being so nice after what I did, but I’ll take whatever he gives me, and right now, it’s more than I deserve. “Okay. I’m going to see Candace later today, so I’ll find out when she’s free. Sometime this weekend?”
“Yeah, I have nothing going on. Just planning on taking it easy before classes start back up on Monday.”
When we finish our coffee, I look over at him and as
k, “You wanna come over to my place for a while?”
“Yeah, where do you live?”
I laugh as I say, “Right here. I live in this building.”
“That’s convenient,” he says with a knowing smirk as we head out.
When we get off the elevator and head into my apartment, we make ourselves comfortable on the couch and flip on the TV, although we don’t watch it because it doesn’t take but a second for Mark to distract me. He reaches over and threads his fingers with mine. Staring at me with his deep green eyes, I slowly move in and brush my lips against his. I tug him in closer to me and press my lips more firmly onto his. He didn’t shave this morning, and the roughness of his kisses do nothing but turn me on. I hate that I had to hurt him to be able to be with him like this. I should have just been honest. I should have trusted him. Pushing those thoughts away, wanting to be here with him and not in my scattered head, I loop my arms around his waist and pull him down on top of me as I lie on my back.
He hovers over me, running his hand down my cheek to my neck and wraps it around the back of my head, lifting me closer to him as he slips his tongue in my mouth. I run my hand up his smooth back, underneath his shirt, and when he grinds himself against me, I can feel what I’m doing to him. I tug at the hem of his shirt and peel it off. Wrapping my arms back around him, I hold him against me.
Moving the way we are together ignites more than just lust inside of me, but feelings I never knew were there. The connection that I feel with him, even though I still really don’t know him, is intense. I know Mark isn’t into anything casual—he’s told me this—and that makes this even better because for once, I don’t want to walk away.
He moves his lips from mine, and when he asks, “Same page?” I know he wants the confirmation for this same question he asked me a couple weeks ago. The question I was too afraid to acknowledge.