by Calia Read
“You should’ve fought your feelings harder; you’re the adult here,” he replied through gritted teeth.
“I know that. I did the wrong thing and that’s why I’m trying to do the right thing.”
“By leaving?”
“It’s the only good thing I can give her!” I snapped.
“If you know you’re wrong then you stay and make this right. You don’t run!”
The grip on my bag tightened. I moved away. “I’m leaving,” I said with finality.
I saw disgust in Tobias’ eyes and it was the last thing I’d ever wanted to see from him. “I knew it. I knew you were going to ruin this,” he said. “I knew you’d ruin her!”
I whirled around. “Katja isn’t ruined. She has never been ruined and she can never be ruined. She’s the one that did the fucking ruining!”
Tobias’ jaw clenched. “I saw good in you, Mathias,” he said moments later.
I continued to walk backwards when all I wanted to do was brush past Tobias and go back to Katja. Fucking heart. I knew it was good for nothing. Tobias didn’t say a word. He stared at me carefully.
“This … coming here … was a mistake. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t say that to me.” He nodded toward my door. “Say that to her.”
I remained in place, but my heart was banging on the door, dying to be next to Katja.
My grip tightened on my bag. I reached into my pocket and pulled out every single paycheck Tobias had written to me. My hand remained between us, but Tobias wouldn’t reach out. He stared at me with so much hatred and I couldn’t blame him one single bit.
I let the checks drop to the floor.
“Tschüs,” I said gruffly, and if I pretended for a second, it was as though Tobias had never spoken and his words didn’t slaughter me.
I had to get out of here. I loved Katja Schwartz. She made me hope. She made me dream and I knew how that ended up for a Sloan.
Three hours later I was on a flight back to the States. As passengers settled in their seats with headsets on and their eyes glued on the small screen in front of them, I stared down at the floor realizing that I had it all wrong.
Katja’s talent was and would always be impeccable … incomparable.
It was her love that was unmatched and it would never be replicated.
ONE YEAR LATER
“I hear your voice in all the world’s noise....”
Paul Éluard
K A T J A
“Five minutes till the curtain time.”
I glanced over my shoulder, giving the lady a curt nod. “Thank you.”
The door shut behind her.
I took a deep, steady breath and stared at my figure in the mirror. My black, off the shoulder gown conformed to my curves perfectly. My hair was down, curling down my back in waves. In a few days, I’d be twenty-one. A single year shouldn’t make much of a difference, but to me it did. I felt older, wiser—more aware of how cold the real world could be. My eyes no longer held optimism. There was no hint of a smile playing at the corner of my lips. What I gave to the world, I gave cautiously, and with the utmost care.
And I had Mathias Sloan to think for that. I closed my eyes and willed the image of him away. I needed to focus. I couldn’t think of him.
“What are you thinking about?”
I turned around.
When Mathias left, there was a three-month period where I had no teacher. A period where I didn’t play and everything in my life was stripped.
I was bare bones.
I was nothing and I knew it.
But then Nadia Kovalsky arrived. My new instructor was born in the Ukraine and a decade older than me. She was stern, but understanding. Quiet, but receptive. She was there for one reason only: to help me get better. We formed the healthy student/teacher relationship that Mathias and I could never seem to grasp.
I turned back to the mirror and picked invisible lint off my dress. “Nothing. I’m thinking about nothing.”
“You look sad.” Nadia came and stood beside me.
I gave my best, most convincing smile. “I’m not.”
“Are you ready for the tour to end?”
I grabbed onto her words like a lifeline and nodded. “A little,” I lied.
Winning the Reisenauer Competition brought interest worldwide. Enough for me to be offered a six-month North American Tour. I’d loved every second. It was exhilarating to go from state to state, seeing the different landscapes, all the busy cities that never slept. I loved the people I met and my time behind the piano. True, it could be exhausting at times, but never sad.
She gave me a quick pat on the shoulder. “Just finish this week and you can go home.”
“I can’t wait.”
There was a knock at my door, followed by the same lady as before. “We’re ready for you,” she said, her English flawless.
“Dan-” I swallowed my words and started over. “Thank you,” I said carefully.
I followed her out the door, making sure to leave behind all thoughts of Mathias. Nadia was right behind me. The hall was narrow enough that two people couldn’t walk shoulder-to-shoulder. The carpet muffled the steps of my heels. I followed a lady with a clipboard and headphones hanging around her neck.
“You have a full house tonight.”
I smiled.
The woman explained where I would enter on the stage and where I would exit. It was the same spiel I’d heard for the past few months.
Before I knew it, the curtains parted. With my head held high, I walked onto the stage. Every stage was different: polished wood floors or marble. But the second I locked eyes on the piano, my focus zoomed in and everything else disappeared.
Nerves never attached themselves to me anymore. When you’ve had your heart broken into pieces and had to put yourself back together, petty emotions stopped mattering.
They saw you and ran the other direction, trying to latch onto a more vulnerable soul.
I sat down and scooted to the very edge of the bench. My hands were poised above the keys.
I was ready to play.
I was ready to forget.
M A T H I A S
“We finally get to meet Mathias’ student,” Severine said and rubbed her hands together in anticipation. “I’ve been waiting weeks for this.”
My lips drew into a flat line as I stared at Thayer’s girlfriend. They might as well be fucking married with the amount of time they spent together. They were so sweet with each other I got cavities just being around them. It was sickening.
“I think you’re putting too much into this performance.”
“Of course I’m not. She’ll find out you’re in the audience and ask for you to come backstage and that means that we all,” she gestured to Thayer and Rebecca, my date, “get to come with you and meet her.”
Internally, I cringed. The chances of Katja inviting me to her dressing room were in the negative percentage. I left her like a fucking coward and there was no better way to put it.
I knew it.
Every fucking day I knew it.
When I woke up, she was the first thing on my mind. My mistakes glared brightly, showing me what I could’ve had if I would have stayed.
I thought I could slip back into my life like it was an old pair of shoes: comforting and familiar. But only the role of my job was that easy. Everything else in my life was ruined.
I had no business being here tonight. In fact, it was probably the last thing I should be doing. But I had Severine to thank for this … and Rebecca.
Rebecca.
I’d been seeing her for the past two months. Her father was a client of my family’s company. I took one look at her and knew she would be the perfect distraction from Katja. Our relationship wasn’t even a relationship. We fucked. Plain and simple.
Last week, out of the blue, Severine announced that she saw that Katja would be in Lexington. She wanted to go watch her perform. Rebecca overheard her and agreed. So did Thayer. Everyone looke
d at me expectantly, waiting for me to speak.
So I did.
But I didn’t need to be told she was coming my way. I kept track of Katja’s tour. One simple Internet search and new articles would pop up, discussing her latest concert. Pictures were always attached. I tried to look away, but there was always something that drew me in. She was still devastatingly stunning and still had the ability to make me feel like I was just punched in the gut.
To me, a week would be plenty of time to prepare myself to see her again. I thought fucking wrong though. The closer we got to the auditorium doors, the harder it became to breathe. I tugged at the collar of my dress shirt. I fought the urge to pull out a cigarette.
“Oh, I’m so excited,” Rebecca said.
I glanced at her. Her arm was looped through mine. Coal black hair framed her face. Coffee brown eyes. Fire engine red lips. She was my age and knew the harsh realities of this world. Nothing about her was sweet and gentle. She was nothing like Katja. I felt nothing when I looked at her.
And I wanted that more than anything in this fucking world: to feel nothing.
We were almost to the doors when I stopped walking. Rebecca tilted her head and smiled at me curiously. I gently held her hand away from my arm.
“I’ll be inside in a few minutes; I’m gonna have a quick smoke.”
Rebecca didn’t question me. Severine linked her arm through Rebecca’s.
“We’ll see you guys inside,” she said over her shoulder.
I gave the auditorium my back and lit up a cigarette. Couples dressed in their best walked up the steps, one after another. Their voices drifted over me. It was going to be a packed house. I could imagine Katja backstage, taking deep breaths and doing scales on a piano.
Thayer watched me, though. He lifted a single brow. I said nothing.
I lifted the cigarette to my lips. My hands were shaking. “That’s your fifth cigarette in an hour,” Thayer commented as he came up beside me.
It was supposed to calm me down; yet, tonight it wasn’t working. I think I could have a whole pack of cigarettes tonight and I still wouldn’t be calm. I didn’t want to think about the reason for my anxiety.
I shrugged, staring at the traffic that passed by.
“Is this about your student?”
I exhaled; smoke forming in the crisp air, as I looked over at my brother. “No.”
“I’m just asking. You seem … tense.”
“Tense?” I repeated back, my voice mocking. “I’m distracted. I have shit that needs to get done at the office.”
Thayer said nothing. Just looked at me skeptically.
“I’d think you’d want to see how well your student is doing. It should feel full circle to you.”
“How so?”
“You get to see what all your hard work produced.”
I had to smile at that. My hard work? What hard work? We had destroyed each other, plain and simple.
“She was my student a year ago.” I rested my forearms against the railing. “A year,” I repeated before I took another puff. “Whoever has been her instructor this past year is the one with all the credit.”
“You ready to go inside?” Thayer asked.
Fuck no, I wanted to tell him. Instead, I flicked my cigarette out into the shrubs and nodded.
“Yeah, let’s go.”
Severine and Rebecca were waiting by the doors. We waited in a long line of people waiting to go into the auditorium. As I stood there, I couldn’t help but wonder what Katja was doing at this very moment. Did she still get nervous?
Finally we made our way into the auditorium. The lights were dimmed slightly, with only the wall scones emitting light. It looked like the inside of a theatre. When Katja was on the stage I had no doubt that the lights would dim even more. All the focus would be on her.
We passed row after row until we finally found our seats. Ten rows from the stage, toward the left. The piano was angled in a way that I would have a perfect view of Katja’s face.
I frowned and stared down at the program. It seemed like karma was giving me a giant fuck you. Here’s the girl you left, it whispered. And now you have to watch her shine.
Next to me, Rebecca and Severine talked softly, while I stared straight ahead.
At 8:00 sharp the lights went down another notch, until I could hardly see my hand in front of me. I heard the curtains lift. Conversations dwindled. My pulse started to drum. Stage lights went on. The baby grand gleamed, almost sparkled in the light.
I held my breath and leaned forward. I heard the sounds of her heels first and then she emerged. The very sight of her made my heartbeat slow, and a small curse slipped from my lips. Maybe a year away from her and relying on my memories triggered my reaction. My fingers flexed before they curled into fists, and I had to stop myself from moving to the front row.
Everyone clapped briefly. Katja turned and smiled devastatingly. It was a shot to my heart.
She didn’t look nervous. She never looked nervous. If I didn’t see her reaction backstage in Munich I would think she was fearless. The clapping died down as she smoothly sat on the bench. She smoothed the material of her dress, and her back became perfectly straight. A hush descended across the room. Everyone’s eyes were on Katja. Including mine. The stage lights made the black exterior of the grand piano shine. It made Katja’s already blonde hair gleam so brightly, it looked like she had a halo hovering inches about her.
I knew better though. I knew that she could be mischievous and fierce. She was downright dangerous for my black heart. Even so, I found myself leaning in. Her foot touched the pedal and her fingers were poised above the keys.
She started to play and I knew I was a fucking goner.
In amazement, I watched as she owned every note, so we, the audience, had no choice but to feel every emotion she poured into her music. And she poured everything in.
I forgot she had this much talent. I forgot that when she gave one hundred percent she became one of the most talented pianists of this generation.
Before the concert, I had regretted the closeness of our seats. But now that she was playing, I couldn’t get close enough. I wanted to be front stage, where I could feel the notes before everyone else in the audience. I wanted to see every glide of her fingers, every key she touched.
The minutes flew by. All too quickly the song had ended. Katja gave us all a smile. I stood up straight, clapping along with everyone else, and waited for her to see me.
She never did.
The hour went on. There was a brief fifteen-minute intermission. A few people got up to go to the restoom. Katja had exited the stage.
Severine, Thayer and Rebecca spoke excitedly about Katja. I contributed to the conversation when necessary, but I was really just counting down the seconds until Katja walked back onto the stage.
Finally, she did. I sat back in my seat. She played three more pieces that had me equally enraptured. I couldn’t look away. Not even if I tried.
When she was finished, everyone in the crowd stood and gave her a standing ovation.
I just sat there. Completely frozen.
She walked off the stage.
The curtains closed.
She didn’t see me.
Rebecca exhaled dramatically, as if she had just run a marathon. “That was beautiful.”
She stood up. So did I. She grabbed her purse and started to talk to Severine. I continued to stare at the closed curtains, imagining what was going on backstage.
Rebecca touched my lower back. I jumped and snapped my head toward her.
She frowned and gestured toward Severine and Thayer who were moving toward the aisle. “You ready to go?”
I gave the stage one last look. Leaving was the last thing on my mind.
“Yes,” I replied.
We walked up the steps and back into the lobby. People milled about, talking animatedly to one another. They were all on a post-music high.
“I want to meet this Katja Schwartz,” Severine
said.
I didn’t say anything. The urge to go outside and smoke was powerful.
“So do I!” gushed Rebecca.
“She’s probably swarmed with people,” I offered stiffly.
“I can wait,” Severine said with a defiant look in her eye. She turned to Thayer. “Can you wait?”
Thayer nodded. “I can wait.”
“Excellent. So all three of us have all the time in the world. Make some time and wait with us, Mathias.”
I narrowed my eyes at her. She smiled at me innocently.
“Fine. But you’ll get bored within five minutes.”
“Somehow I doubt that.”
I knew Severine was dying to meet Katja. The fact that I came back from Germany earlier than planned and gave no explanation to anyone piqued my family’s interest. I offered no explanation, and they never pressed.
I looked at my watch. “It’s been thirty minutes. Have you all waited long enough?”
“What’s your hurry?” Rebecca asked.
My hurry was to get the fuck out of dodge before I actually came face to face with Katja. If I did, what would her reaction be? I left before we ever had a chance to talk. Would she hate me? Probably.
Would I still be crazy about her? Abso-fucking-lutely.
Severine looked over my shoulder and pointed. “There she is.”
I didn’t want to turn around. I wanted to leave. Go outside. Smoke. Be anywhere else but here. But then Severine opened her big mouth.
“Katja Schwartz!” she said, as if they were fucking pals.
I turned the same time Katja did. A brilliant smile was fixed on her face. Her eyes brushed over mine. Seconds later, they veered back to me. Her body stiffened. The smile faded and her face became ghost white.
K A T J A
I turned around at the sound of my name.
Huge mistake.
I should’ve pretended I didn’t hear my name and walked down the long hall toward my dressing room and left.
I could keep going through all the things I should and should not have done. But the fact of the matter was, I turned, and now I was staring straight into the eyes of Mathias Sloan. The man that ruined me.