by Calia Read
One year of reconstructing my life bit by bit and now all the work was destroyed.
“Do you know them?” Nadia asked.
“I do,” I replied, my eyes locked on Mathias. He looked me up and down like he wanted to swallow me whole. I knew, if he had the chance, he would.
He looked different. Hair had grown out considerably, the tips ending near his ear. It was in complete disarray, but he made it look good. There was stubble on his chin. No surprise there. He still made my heart go into overdrive, my mouth dried up. And even worse was that I knew what was underneath that suit. I’d kissed, licked and bitten his skin. I’d touched his muscles. I’d dragged my nails across his back.
I swallowed and his eyes flashed, as if he knew everything that was running through my mind.
A big part of me wanted to know what Mathias saw when he looked at me. Did he see the old Katja Schwartz? The one that believed he was capable of change and thought the world was perfect? Or did he see the newer version? Katja 2.0. The one that knew of all the pain he could bring and was determined to never feel that much agony again. The one that hated him and loved him at the same time.
The one that needed to know why he left.
“Come with me,” I told Nadia.
Taking a deep breath, I walked forward and didn’t stop until I was standing in front of Mathias. I made sure to keep a generous space between us. I scanned the faces around him.
“Hello,” I said. I looked Mathias straight in the eye.
He flinched.
Good.
Begrudgingly, he introduced me to the people around him, starting with his brother, Thayer. In person, I could see just how alike they were. If Thayer were a few inches shorter, you wouldn’t be able to tell them apart. Next was Severine, Thayer’s girlfriend. She was nothing short of stunning.
Then there was his date.
“You played beautifully.”
My eyes snapped toward the stunning brunette standing next to Mathias. She smiled at me sincerely. I couldn’t help it. My gaze instantly went to Mathias. Did he tell her about me? His face gave nothing away. He looked at me: eyes blank, mouth in a straight line, jaw clenched.
“Thank you,” I said automatically.
Rebecca. First instinct was to hate her. From the way she gripped Mathias’ bicep I knew she was somehow intertwined in his life. The worst part was that they fit. She was tall and willowy, like a beautiful ballerina. Her brown hair was cut in a pixie, elongating her slender neck. She had olive skin and plump lips made even bigger with blood red lipstick.
Vixen was the only word for her. She had this air about her. She was one of those confident, beautiful women that when they walked, they captured everyone’s attention.
“It really was spectacular,” said Severine.
I said one more thanks. Silence ensued, stilted and uncomfortable. Yet, I didn’t stare down at the ground or look away. I wanted Mathias to see that I remembered everything.
Everything.
His gaze never strayed.
“Once Severine told me who you were and when you were performing, I knew Mathias and I had to see you. What were the chances of us ever seeing you again?” Rebecca said.
I arched a brow and smiled at Mathias. “What are the chances?” I directed my words at Mathias. Sharp and precise, like bullets releasing from the chamber.
Bang, bang, bang.
“How long are you here?” Severine asked. Her eyes kept volleying back and forth between Mathias and me. Everyone else seemed oblivious to the tension surrounding us. Everyone but Severine.
“For a week.”
“We should all have dinner sometime this week.” Severine turned to Mathias. “I’m sure you want to catch up with your student.”
“I think Katja will be too busy for dinner,” Mathias replied gruffly. His hands disappeared into his pockets. I knew he was dying for a cigarette. After so much time apart I still remembered his habits—his likes and dislikes—as though they were my own.
I had to get away from him as quickly as possible. I opened my mouth to reply. To tell him that yes, I would be too busy, but it was nice seeing him, when I felt a hand wrap around my elbow. Before I turned, I saw Mathias’ eyes go blank. Lukas stood next to me.
“I was looking for you,” he said.
I don’t know if I’d ever been happier to see him. Lukas and Opa flew in last week to be there for the tail end of my tour. Opa was back at the hotel. I’d told Lukas he didn’t have to come tonight, but now I was glad he did. I leaned into his touch for a second; it was so steady and sure and normal.
“This is my friend, Lukas Kaiser.”
Mathias snorted. Everyone else said hi.
“I was just telling Katja that we should all get together for dinner,” Severine said. “Mathias would love to catch up with his student.”
Everyone glanced his way. He stood there, completely rigid. I wanted him to say anything. Anything just so Severine would stop glancing my way with thousands of questions in her eyes. So Lukas wouldn’t tense up beside me. And finally, so my heart would stop beating like a drum.
“We should catch up,” he finally said.
“I can’t,” I blurted out. “I’m busy.”
My words were blunt, almost harsh. Severine looked taken aback.
“I’m sure your schedule is jam-packed every night, but if you have any free time-”
“I don’t.”
“You have a few hours tomorrow night,” Nadia interjected.
I snapped my head toward her. She didn’t know about Mathias. If she did, I knew that the last thing she’d be doing was offering him a lifeline. I felt like the sacrificial lamb.
“You have a few hours tomorrow night?” Mathias asked, almost daring me to rebuke him again.
“I-”
“Great!” Severine cut in. “Tomorrow it is.”
“No,” I said more firmly. “I can’t.”
Lukas curved a possessive arm around me, as though it was a natural action. I jumped slightly for a second, before leaning into him. “We have to be going,” Lukas said gravely. “It was nice seeing you again. Schüss.”
Schüss.
Lukas made the farewell sound like a threat.
Severine and Thayer muttered good-byes and walked away. And still Mathias said nothing. I wanted to look back. But I kept my gaze ahead, my hands slightly shaking. Lukas gave me a glance, but said nothing.
“Katja,” a voice said sharply behind me.
I stopped walking. My heart. My mind. My body froze. All at the same time. I was afraid to turn around. I was afraid at what I would see.
When I turned, Mathias came forward, his date lingering beside Severine. He looked like a man on a mission. The only time I’d seen that look on his face was the last night I was with him. I shivered, trying to push the memories away.
In seconds he caught up to Lukas and me. He kept his gaze on me and ducked his head, effectively blocking Lukas out of the conversation. “Can I speak to you for a second?” he asked me.
It was a question, but he didn’t leave any room for a reply. His hand curled around my elbow and very gently he guided me away before Lukas could say anything. A few steps away from everyone else, but we might as well have been miles away. I glanced up at Mathias beneath my lashes, expectantly, and probably impatiently. But didn’t he get it? One minute—one second—
It was the same scent he used last year. My eyes wanted to close and bottle up this moment. But instead, they stayed open and focused on his features. Closer and closer, until the strands of his hair tickled my cheek.
“You played well,” he said deeply.
A whole year of silence and that is what he finally said to me. The words made me flinch. Naive Katja would want to bottle up his words and savor them forever. But Older Katja had no desire to do so. Older Katja squared her shoulders and gave Mathias a tight smile that never reached her eyes.
“Thank you.”
And then, before Mathias could
say another word, I walked away from him.
Later on that night, after I had showered and changed for bed, I called Simone. It was six in the morning there, but I needed to talk to her now.
I couldn’t get Mathias off my mind. I took a bath. I still thought of him. I turned on the television. I thought of him. I tried to read. I thought of him. He was invading my thoughts and my life just like he had before and I couldn’t do a single thing about it. I kept picturing tonight’s encounter. Over and over and over I had dissected every single action and word, until it was embedded into memory and never getting out.
“Hello?” Simone said.
“It’s me,” I replied.
“Why are you up? Isn’t it late there?”
“I saw him,” I blurted out.
“Who?” Simone asked teasingly. “My future husband? Is he gorgeous?”
“I saw Mathias.”
There was nothing but silence. I held my phone away from my ear and stared at the screen. “Are you there?”
“Yes,” she said slowly. “I’m here. I’m just in shock.”
“What do I do?” I asked frantically.
“What do you mean, ‘what do I do?’ You do nothing but ignore him.”
“That was the plan, but his brother was with him-”
“Which one?”
“Why does it matter?”
“Was it the hot, brooding one?”
“No, the tall one. Thayer.”
“Oh, that’s too bad,” Simone sighed.
“Can I continue?”
“Yes, right! Back to Mathias.”
“His brother was there with his girlfriend, and she said that we should all have dinner sometime this week.”
“And you said?”
I stared down at my feet. “I told him that my schedule was really busy and that I might not have time.”
“I’m proud of you.”
I didn’t reply. I could never explain my feelings, no matter how hard I tried. There was a file in my head with Mathias’ name on it in big, block letters.
I wanted that file gone. Deleted forever.
Simone sighed loudly. “Don’t think too much about it. I’m sure he was just trying to keep the conversation going. Haven’t you ever told someone that you will call them, or that you should get together when you know you have no intention of seeing them?”
“Maybe once or twice.”
“That’s probably what that was! Yes!” Simone said with more excitement. “That’s got to be it. You have nothing to worry about. Absolutely nothing.”
She tried to soothe my worries, but it wasn’t working.
“He had a beautiful woman with him,” I confessed.
“Was it a date, or his girlfriend?”
“Date. But they definitely looked like a couple.”
I pictured Mathias putting his arm around Rebecca’s waist and instantly cringed.
“They’re probably together.”
“Probably.”
The two of us were silent for a moment.
“Did you … did you feel anything for him?”
“Yes,” I admitted. “It was stronger than before.”
Even to my own ears that sounded absurd. It’s been an entire year since I’ve seen him. My feelings should have faded, but sometimes you can go months without seeing someone, and they pop back into your life and you feel nothing. And then sometimes you see someone from your past and they slam into you like a freight train and you realize that it doesn’t matter how much time can pass; they will always affect you.
Simone sighed.
“What do I do?”
“You do nothing,” she said. “Nothing at all. You don’t want to go back down the Mathias Road. Not again.” Simone paused. “Right?”
“Absolutely,” I answered automatically. Maybe my response was too fast because Simone just sighed once again.
“That road is dangerous and dark. That road should have an enter at your own risk sign. That road-”
“Enough with the analogy!”
“I just want you alert and ready for anything that could happen so that last year doesn’t happen again.”
“I know,” I sighed as I sat on the edge of the bed. An exhausted sigh escaped me. “Sorry, for snapping at you.”
“Don’t even worry about it. I’d be testy too if I was in your shoes.”
I closed my eyes and rubbed my forehead. “Seriously though, tell me what to do.”
“I wish I had some foolproof plan for you, but I don’t. You just need to remember what he did.”
What I’d never tell Simone was that I did remember. I vividly remembered the pain and sadness and heartbreak. But all those emotions became inconsequential up against the passion and happiness he gave me.
“I’m going to try and get some sleep. I’ll call you later.”
“Okay. You better call me every day, Katja!”
“I will.”
We hung up. I tossed my phone onto the bed. I dropped my face into my waiting hands.
M A T H I A S
“I just can’t get over that performance last night!” Rebecca gushed.
I lowered the newspaper and glanced at her. She wore a white, fluffy robe. Her hair was wet from the shower. Small droplets fell onto the table.
Last night I took her to a hotel and fucked her until I couldn’t see straight. Until Katja’s smile and her performance were nothing but a blur.
In the morning light my actions last night seemed like one giant regret because nothing was solved. I still saw Katja’s smile. I heard the echoes of her laugh and the lilting sound of her voice.
She was haunting me.
The image of her from last night still felt like a punch to the fucking gut. She was beautiful when I first met her. But now … now she had this air of confidence around her. As if she knew what she wanted in life and nothing would stop her. When she walked toward me, I was transfixed on her body and the way her dress clung to her. A few men who littered around the lobby turned to stare and I had the animalistic urge to grab her and put her behind me, away from their gazes.
“That girl played with so much passion,” Rebecca continued.
When I didn’t answer her, she stopped buttering her toast long enough to glance over at me.
“Mathias?”
She said my name and it did nothing to me. The second my name rolled off Katja’s tongue, I thought of a thousand different ways I could have her. That only reminded me that sometimes life worked against you or with you. And right now, I swore life was giving me a giant fuck you. Presenting my biggest mistake like a movie, showing me what I could’ve had.
“Mathias?” Rebecca prodded once more.
I lowered the newspaper. “What did you say?”
“What did you think of her performance?”
I looked out of the patio doors as I answered her. “It was good.”
She took a sip of her coffee and raised her brows. “Good? That’s all you can say? Good?”
I shrugged. “I’ll let you be excited for the both of us.”
Rebecca crossed her legs and leaned back in her chair. “How was she as a student?”
I was trying my hardest to move on from last night and forget it had ever happened, but Rebecca was making that impossible.
“It’s too early for all these questions,” I said.
“Come on,” she prodded with a smile, “tell me.”
She wasn’t going to quit until I answered. I took a sip of my coffee and stared down at the table thoughtfully.
“Just a typical student, I assume. She’s the only person I’ve ever taught.”
“Have you thought about being an instructor again?”
“Nope,” I answered briskly, with an edge to my voice.
“Well, I Googled the girl. You know the instructor after you was some famous Ukraine pianist?”
Girl.
That word stuck out in my mind. It made me laugh. Maybe when I first met her, she resembled one. But Kat
ja wasn’t the same. She was older. Wiser. More alluring and seductive.
Time hadn’t lessened my feelings. If anything they were stronger.
Rebecca took my laughter the wrong way. She leaned in and smiled happily, as if she was finally getting information from me. “You two have a bond?”
I almost spit out my coffee. “No.”
“I’m just curious. Spending time with someone day in and day out would make you familiar with them.”
“No,” I said firmly. “She was just a student.”
“Whatever you said to her before we left had an impact on her.”
I hadn’t looked back when we left the auditorium. Clearly Rebecca had.
“What did you say to her?” Rebecca prodded, like a rabid dog. Determined and desperate to get what she wanted. It was a trait that I understood. A trait that I even admired. Just as long as it wasn’t directed toward me.
I gave her a hard look. “I said nothing to her.”
“If it wasn’t nothing, you wouldn’t be so secretive about it.”
“There’s nothing to be secretive about,” I said sharply.
She straightened in her chair, her smile long gone. “What’s wrong with you today?”
“Nothing’s wrong.” I stabbed my eggs with more force than necessary. “Just tired.”
“We did have an amazing night.” She sat on my lap and combed a hand through my hair. Since it seemed to distract her from all things Katja, I let her. “Are you traveling this week?” she asked softly.
“I think so,” I lied.
She pouted and jumped off my lap. “I was hoping we’d be able to go out to eat.”
I shrugged. “Maybe another time.”
“It’s probably for the best. I have two new clients I’m meeting with this week.”
Rebecca was an interior designer. People came to her so she could boss them around and change their homes. She loved control. So did I. On paper we should have been perfect. A power couple that could take over the fucking world. In the real world, though, we were a dangerous combination. Too much alike. Together we fought for control.
A few minutes later Rebecca walked back out of the bedroom wearing a blue dress and sliding into a pair of black heels. Hair pulled up. Make-up on.