One Snowy Night

by Rita Bradshaw

  The meal was ready almost as soon as she got home, and once she had taken her father’s tray in to him, she and her mother sat down at the kitchen table, eating together in a companionable silence that Ruby would have thought impossible only the day before.

  They had just cleared away the dirty dishes and her mam was at the range making a cup of tea when the back door opened and Olive walked in, Alice in her arms. Olive stopped dead in her tracks as she saw Ruby, her face lengthening with her surprise and her mouth falling slightly open.

  Ruby stood up, but although she had gone over this scenario a hundred times in her mind over the last few days, now that it was happening she found herself tongue-tied. They were standing regarding each other now, both unsmiling, and Ruby could feel the same hot colour in her cheeks that was staining Olive’s face red.

  It was the child in Olive’s arms, squirming and calling, ‘Gamma, Gamma,’ that broke the deafening silence, and then Cissy bustled forward, her voice over-loud to hide her own embarrassment as she said, ‘Come to Grandma, my little angel, and let’s get your hat and coat off, and then you can say hello to your Auntie Ruby.’

  Auntie Ruby. The words hung in the air. Ruby dragged her eyes away from her sister’s face and looked fully at Adam’s daughter. Her mother had just taken the child’s woollen pom-pom hat off and as brown silky curls sprang round small cheeks flushed by the cold, Ruby waited for the pain she’d prepared herself for. It came but it was bearable.

  Alice wriggled out of her coat and then stood by her grandmother’s knee, one arm round Cissy’s leg as she peered shyly at Ruby.

  ‘Hello, Alice,’ said Ruby softly. ‘I’m your Auntie Ruby.’ She bent down and smiled into the little face. Alice didn’t look like Adam or Olive that she could see, or anyone in the family come to that, but she was a pretty little girl with the biggest green eyes Ruby had seen on a child.

  ‘Hello,’ Alice whispered back, before glancing up at her grandmother as though she wasn’t sure what to do. Ruby knew just how she felt.

  Cissy whisked the little girl into her arms, saying, ‘Come and see Granda. He was hoping you would come today,’ and without further ado left her two daughters to each other.

  As the door closed behind them, Ruby turned to face Olive. ‘She’s beautiful,’ she said quietly.

  Olive stared at her. The red had drained from her face leaving its usual sallow colour, and it occurred to Ruby that her sister looked much older than her twenty-five years. Olive hadn’t moved from her spot just inside the back door, and now Ruby said, ‘Mam’s just made a pot of tea. Do you want a cup?’

  ‘When—’ Olive’s voice broke and she had to clear her throat before she could say, ‘When did you get back?’

  ‘Yesterday afternoon.’

  ‘Are – are you back for good?’

  ‘No, just till tomorrow.’

  Olive nodded, and Ruby thought she saw a flash of relief in her sister’s eyes. Rage spiralled up in her as suddenly as if someone had flicked a switch and she walked across to the range where, standing with her back to Olive, she said again, ‘Do you want a cup of tea?’ Her voice was cold and tight.

  ‘It’s only that I don’t know how he’ll be if he sees you again.’ Olive had come up behind her and now touched Ruby’s arm. ‘Not that I don’t want you to come home.’

  Ruby cleared her throat, took in a long breath and turned round. ‘But you don’t, do you, Olive? Want me to come home again, I mean. Out of sight, out of mind. Is that it?’

  Olive didn’t answer this directly. What she did say was, ‘We’re sisters, aren’t we?’

  ‘It’s a bit late to remember that.’

  ‘I don’t blame you if you don’t believe this, but – but I’ve missed you.’

  Ruby searched the thin plain face. She had long ago begun to discern that her sister was a complex human being, even before the bombshell that had torn their family apart. She herself was relatively straightforward, she felt. She was like her da in that way, and her mother wasn’t exactly complicated either. But Olive – she was different. Whether it was her looks, or lack of them, that had made her sister so, she didn’t know, but Olive was impossible to fathom. One thing she did know, though, was that Olive never lied. There were times in the past, especially where she herself was concerned, when Olive’s honesty had a poisonous edge to it that could cut to the quick, but she always spoke the truth.

  Now Ruby said quietly, ‘If you say so, I believe you. I’m surprised –’ her eyebrows lifted wryly – ‘but I believe you.’ A slight smile touched her lips as she added, ‘I bet you were surprised too.’

  Olive stared at her and then her tense face relaxed a little. ‘I didn’t plan that night at Adam’s mam’s, not – not exactly. I mean, not in the way of days beforehand or anything like that. When his brothers carried him upstairs and I went up after I was only thinking if he thought I was you and I got him to kiss me, it’d cause a row between you. I didn’t think . . .’ She shook her head. ‘I was stupid. Stupid and spiteful and horrible, and I know saying sorry can never be enough.’

  ‘Why did you hate me so much? What did I ever do to you to make you want to hurt me?’

  ‘Nothing. You didn’t do anything. You were just you. Pretty, popular, funny, clever; everything I’m not, I suppose. Right from when you were born people compared us. I used to see them and I knew what they were thinking even if they didn’t say it out loud, although some did, of course. Great-Aunt Alma – you can’t remember her, I shouldn’t think, she died before you started school – well, every time she came round she used to pat me on the head and say to Mam, “Poor Olive, it’s a crying shame.” Every single time. When I knew she’d died I was so glad.’

  ‘Oh, Olive.’

  ‘And the bairns at school, they were so cruel, especially the lads. When Alice was born I was so thankful she didn’t take after me. But it wasn’t your fault, I know that now. Perhaps I always knew but I had to have someone to blame and so I told myself I hated you, that if you hadn’t been born everything would have been all right. If you tell yourself something often enough, you can make yourself believe it.’

  Ruby bit on her lip. It was some seconds before she was able to say, ‘And now?’

  ‘You’re my sister,’ Olive said again. ‘I always thought the saying about blood being thicker than water was a load of old codswallop, but it’s not. I – I care about you. I know you hate me and could never forgive what I did, but if it helps at all you were right about me making a bed of thorns for myself. If it wasn’t for Alice, I’d have walked down to the river and thrown myself in long before now.’

  Ruby had always imagined it would be impossible, unthinkable, to forgive Olive. It would mean that her sister had effectively got away with what she had done, that she was off the hook, and that the pain and devastation her actions had caused were of no account, actions that hadn’t affected just her but her mam and da and others too. Mrs Walton had been left alone with her plans for the future spoiled, and Ellie would be alive now if she’d stayed in Sunderland. But she had to let go of all that. Forgiveness was only forgiveness if it was absolute.

  She reached out and took Olive’s hand. It was cold and thin, and it occurred to her that this was the first time she could remember them holding hands. ‘I don’t hate you. Like you said, we’re sisters, and four years is too long to hold on to hate.’ She felt Olive’s fingers quiver in hers although her sister’s face was strained. ‘And I forgive you, Olive. The past is the past and I think we should leave it there from now on.’

  When the tears spurted from Olive’s eyes and her sister practically collapsed against her so that she was holding her up, Ruby was totally taken aback. The sobs that were shaking the sparse frame were harsh and painful, and as Ruby held Olive close, her body shook them both with the force of her agonized weeping.

  Ruby was unaware of her mother putting her head round the hall door and then disappearing again; she continued to murmur words of comfort without really bein
g conscious of what she was saying. After thirty seconds or so when the crying hadn’t abated, she guided Olive to a kitchen chair and sat her down, sitting next to her, still with her arms round her. It was a good couple of minutes later when Olive pulled herself free and searched blindly for something on which to dry her eyes, and as Ruby pushed her handkerchief into her sister’s hand, Olive wiped her streaming face. Between gasps, she kept saying, ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry,’ but it was another full minute before she could cease crying.

  ‘Here.’ Ruby placed the cup of tea she’d poured while her sister gained control into Olive’s hand, adding, ‘Drink it, it’ll help. I looked for some brandy or whisky to add to it but I couldn’t find any.’

  ‘Probably –’ Olive gulped deep in her throat and then took in a long breath – ‘probably just as well. The state I look, if my breath smelled of whisky the neighbours would say I was pie-eyed. They don’t miss a thing in my street.’

  ‘You all right, lass?’

  Olive didn’t give her an answer to this, but what she said was, ‘I’ve made such a mess of things, Ruby. I’ll never forgive myself, never as long as I live. I’ve ruined your life and Adam’s and Alice’s—’

  ‘Hey, no, stop right there.’ Ruby shook her head. ‘You haven’t ruined my life – far from it, I promise you. And from what I could see of Alice she looks a happy, bonny little girl. As for Adam, he’s not exactly blameless in all of this.’

  ‘He doesn’t look at it like that.’

  ‘Nevertheless, it’s true.’ Ruby took a sip of her own tea. ‘And if he can’t accept that after all this time, I feel sorry for him. Life has to be lived looking forwards, I’ve learned that. It’s the only way.’

  ‘You’re different.’ Olive searched her face. ‘You even sound different.’

  ‘That’d be the elocution lessons.’

  ‘Elocution lessons?’

  Ruby smiled. ‘I’ve done a lot of things in the last four years I would never have dreamed of when I left here.’

  ‘Tell me.’ Olive leaned slightly forwards. ‘Tell me it all. And how’s Ellie? Is she with you?’ Then, at the look on her sister’s face, she murmured, ‘Oh, no, lass. What’s happened?’

  Ruby began at the beginning and told her sister everything, from the best to the worst, and when she had finished, they sat in silence for a few moments before Olive said, ‘And this Daniel Bell? He’s in prison for how long?’

  ‘I don’t know, for a few years I would think.’

  ‘And will you do what Howard said and move away before he’s let out?’

  ‘Perhaps.’ Ruby shrugged. She had no intention of letting Daniel Bell frighten her away but she wasn’t about to tell Olive that. ‘And don’t tell Mam and Da about him, all right? They’d only worry and there’s no need.’

  ‘I don’t know about that.’

  ‘We’ll see.’

  Olive could see that was the end of that particular subject. ‘And Edward? Do you . . . like him?’

  ‘I told you. He and Clarissa are friends, as far as they can be, anyway, with them being top drawer. We move in different worlds.’ Ruby glanced at Olive’s face and smiled. ‘There’s nothing like that going on, I promise you.’

  Olive nodded, but from what Ruby had told her and bearing in mind how beautiful her sister was, she doubted it. Certainly on Edward’s part, anyway. A man didn’t travel all the way up from London every two minutes just to see his sister as Ruby had intimated. And Ruby hadn’t really answered her question as to whether she liked Edward in that way, which spoke volumes. ‘So you think you’ll look for shop premises when you go back, even with the slump getting worse?’

  ‘It’s time,’ said Ruby simply.

  Their mother brought Alice through to the kitchen in the next moment so there the conversation ended, but as Ruby got to know her niece a little better, her last words to Olive were at the forefront of her mind. Coming home, seeing her mam and da and especially Olive, had settled something inside her. The next stage of her life had to begin. The thought terrified her as much as it excited her, but sink or swim, it was time.

  When Ruby left the house for the train station the next day it was snowing again, big fat flakes that settled on the previous ice and snow and made walking even more treacherous. It had been an emotional leave-taking and even her father had shed some tears, and it was him Ruby was thinking of as she waved once more to her mother, who was standing on the doorstep, before turning the corner of the street. Her head down and her thoughts with her father, she almost jumped out of her skin when her arm was taken and a deep voice said, ‘Hello, Ruby.’

  ‘Adam!’ Putting her hand over her heart, which was trying to leap out of her chest, she said weakly, ‘I didn’t see you there.’

  He didn’t say he had been standing watching the house since six o’clock that morning when he should have started his shift, or that he had lain awake all night since Olive had told him Ruby was home on a flying visit. He knew, of course, that Olive wouldn’t have said anything but for the fact that Alice had talked about her Auntie Ruby when they’d been having their evening meal. He stood looking at her, his gaze taking in her clothes, the way she held herself, but most of all the face that haunted his dreams. She was even more beautiful than he remembered, but of course four years had passed. The girl had turned into a woman.

  ‘How are you?’ he said huskily.

  ‘I’m – I’m well.’ She tried to pull herself together. Adam had always been tall but now he was much broader in the shoulders, and like Olive, he looked older than his years. He was still handsome in his rough-hewn way but now there was a brooding quality to his face that hadn’t been there in his youth. ‘And you?’ she said more composedly. ‘How are you? I met Alice yesterday and she’s enchanting.’

  Enchanting. It wasn’t a word the old Ruby would have chosen but it fitted in with the way she now spoke, everything about her, in fact. The hat and coat she was wearing must have cost a fortune, even he could see that, and he knew nowt about women’s fashions and the rest of it. It was painful to look at her face, the cheeks a soft, creamy pink, the heavily lashed eyes and her small but full mouth. He remembered how it had felt to kiss those lips . . .

  ‘You were going to go without seeing me.’ He voiced the thought that had sat like a lump of lead in his chest since Alice had spoken of her Auntie Ruby being home the evening before.

  It was a statement, not a question, but Ruby answered it as though it was the latter. ‘Well, yes, I only came to see my mam and da for a little while. I have to get back to work tomorrow.’

  He would have walked to the ends of the earth for a glimpse of her. His Adam’s apple moved swiftly and he swallowed, but no words came through the anger and hurt.

  ‘I have to catch my train.’ It was a covert request for him to move out of her way but he ignored it. ‘I need to go, Adam.’

  ‘I think of you all the time.’ He was painfully conscious of his dirty working clothes, his big hobnailed boots and his old cap in a way he had never been before. She looked so perfect, so – what was that word she’d used about Alice? Oh, aye – so enchanting. ‘There’s not a day, an hour, when I’m not thinking of you.’

  ‘Stop it.’ She was stepping back away from him, an expression of something akin to distaste on her face. ‘You have a wife and a beautiful little daughter, it’s them you should be thinking of.’

  ‘Don’t you ever think of me?’ he ground out, hot colour flooding his skin.

  She looked him full in the face. ‘Not in that way, no. I remember the good times, the happy times, of course. You were part of my childhood and youth, after all. But everything’s different now. I’ve moved on with my life, Adam, and so should you. You have a family and you could be happy if you put the past behind you.’

  Rage was uppermost. He could, without the slightest compunction, have throttled her at this moment. How dared she have dismissed him from her life so easily? So completely? When he existed in a living hell because of her?


  They stared at each other for some seconds and Ruby, recognizing what was in his face, kept perfectly still. She had decided the night before, as she had lain in bed going over everything she and Olive had said, exactly how she would deal with Adam if they met up in the future, which was highly likely now she had determined to pay regular visits home. She just hadn’t expected the confrontation to be so soon.

  ‘You’ve changed,’ he said at last, his voice bitter. ‘You’ve become hard.’

  Her expression didn’t alter although his words hurt. ‘I’m sorry you feel that way but it doesn’t alter the facts. If you gave Olive a chance—’

  ‘Don’t tell me what to do.’ His glare was almost maniacal and she watched the effort it took for him to gain control before he said, ‘Go on, go and catch your damn train.’

  She forced herself not to scurry past him, frightened as she was. This man was not the easy-going, amiable lad she remembered – he had changed beyond all recognition. Her mam had been right. And yet the old Adam still had to be there, surely? The Adam who would carefully take a spider out of the house rather than killing it and who had traipsed round the streets for hours finding homes for the kittens his da had wanted to drown in the privy. His da and brothers had taken the mickey and called him soft, but she had loved that side of him.

  Quietly, she said, ‘I only meant that in letting go of the past you could make something good of the future, Adam. For you as much as anyone. Alice is a lovely little girl and bairns bring such joy.’

  It was some seconds before he said gruffly, ‘She should have been yours.’

  What could she say to that? It was what she’d thought herself every minute she’d been with Alice the day before. Seeing her mam and da with their grandchild and the way Olive was with her had brought a physical ache into her chest, and she’d had to battle against something akin to grief the whole time.