To Be Yours

by Elana Johnson

  “Anyway, I’m headed to work. I’ll talk to you later.” I hung up and cranked the radio so I wouldn’t call him again. I hadn’t had a real boyfriend before, and I had no idea how to act, when to call, what to say.

  Panic reared as I wondered if Grayson really was my boyfriend. What were the requirements for that? Should I call him that? Wait until he said I could?

  I chewed my thumbnail as I drove, ignoring my phone when it sounded. I’d promised Mom I wouldn’t text and drive. She’d even made me sign a contract before she’d taken me to get my license. Well, before she let Josh take me to get my license.

  I wondered if Mom would buy me a car once Josh left for college. It had been implied that he’d be taking the blue sedan we shared. He worked in downtown Collinsworth, at a sporting goods store close enough to our house that he could ride his bike or bum a ride. The hospital was fifteen minutes down the highway, and though Terry worked there, our schedules didn’t match up in a way that we could carpool.

  I’d always enjoyed my solitary commute, but now I found myself laden with impatience, the need to check my texts almost overwhelming my desire to stay safe. I needed to do something about JJ, and fast. He wasn’t the gossipy type, but I shared a class with both him and Grayson, and words like “date” and “prom” would be in everyone’s mouths. But I resolutely kept both hands on the wheel until I pulled into the hospital parking lot.

  The text from Grayson read: What time do you get off?

  I quickly thumbed out 9 and set my phone to silent. My thumbs had never moved so fast as they did when I wrote a message to JJ.

  Hey, let’s keep our prom date on the down-low, I messaged. I need to talk to my—

  I stalled, because I had no idea what to put there. Brother? Mom? What did either of them have to do with the prom?

  I felt like a big, fat liar liar pants on fire.

  No more lies.

  I exhaled and leaned by head back. I should just text him and tell him…what? That I’d forgotten another guy had asked me to prom a few hours earlier?

  I hadn’t forgotten. I’d been flustered. My new habit of saying yes had betrayed me.

  All at once, an idea hit me. One that could be true. I should talk to Josh first, ask for his help with the double-guy situation.

  Going with JJ would be smarter. He was a junior like me. He was staying in town like me. If we started hanging out, I wouldn’t have to be alone next year.

  But he didn’t make my heart race. Didn’t make heat pool in my face. He was nice, sure. But Grayson…

  My brain hurt from all the back and forth. The constant merry-go-round. The absurdity of my stupidity. I only had a few minutes to get inside and clock in before I’d be late, and I couldn’t have my phone with me on the job. So I finished the text with brother first, sent it, and tossed my phone in the bag.

  I signed in on the computer and opened the cabinet behind the desk so I could stow my purse in there. My resolve failed, and I quickly pulled out my phone to see if anyone responded.

  Grayson had. I’ll call you then.

  A smile formed on my face as that ridiculous warmth bloomed in my chest. Though I spent the next five hours cleaning up bodily fluids and garbage cans full of syringes, nothing could’ve wiped away my grin.

  Found on the notepad at a hotel:

  My mom needs someone to care.

  My dad needs to grow a pair.

  Luke needs all the support I can give.

  Darren needs to be a little more active.

  Eden needs a lot more time, time, time.

  I need to climb, climb, climb.

  20

  Grayson

  “Come on.” I herded Darren toward the garage. “Luke, grab my wallet from my bedroom!” I didn’t care that my raised voice would agitate Mom. She was already so far gone that we couldn’t stay here tonight.

  Luke thundered down the stairs, obviously not worried about Mom either. “Got it.” He tossed it to me and hooked Darren around the shoulders, guiding him into the garage while I wrote a note for Dad.

  He probably wouldn't get it. Mom would shred it before he got home, just like she always did.

  So I didn’t write it to him. I wrote it to her.

  Mom,

  Get help. Please. Darren and Luke deserve better than this. Dad deserves better than this. You’re sick, and you need help. Remember when I was eleven, and my eardrum burst? You took me to the emergency room. We got it fixed.

  Your alcoholism is a sickness, and you’re dying. It’s an emergency. Please, get help.

  ~G

  I threw the pen on top of the paper just as Mom appeared at the bottom of the stairs. She wore a pale pink nightgown, which made her skin seem waxy and gray. Her dark hair appeared to be stuck on with hot glue, flying out in every direction. Redness rimmed her eyes, and if I were standing close enough, I’d probably get knocked out with the stench of her breath.

  She looked pathetic. Broken. Diseased.

  “We’re leaving,” I said, my voice so, so cold. I wished I could make it softer, kinder. But I was tired. Tired of pretending everything was okay. Tired of tiptoeing around so she didn’t wake up, so we didn’t have to interact with her. The entire house was carpeted with eggshells, and I was so sick of walking on them.

  “Where are you going?” Her words slurred together enough for me to know she was intoxicated, though it wasn’t nearly as bad as usual. These were the most dangerous times. The times when she was lucid enough to let her tongue wag, to say horrible things, to pick things up and throw them.

  “Not telling,” I said. “Careful. There’s glass on the floor right there, and you’re not wearing shoes.” I turned and pulled open the door to leave, twisting the lock. I hesitated, because I usually cleaned up the glass she broke. Cleaned it up so she wouldn’t further injure herself.

  I twisted back as she stepped forward. “Grayson.” A tear tracked down her face.

  “I won’t let you hurt them. Go to rehab, Mom.” With that, I stepped into the garage and pulled the door closed behind me. The lock would give her drunk fingers trouble, give me enough time to get out of the garage before she could stop me.

  Luke had the engine running. I jumped into the truck and flipped it into reverse. After backing into the street, I glanced back to the house. Mom stood on the threshold of the garage, looking wild and foreign and furious.

  I reached up and pushed the button to close the garage, and the door came down between us, a barrier we could not demolish.

  * * *

  Nine o’clock arrived but Dad hadn’t. I’d texted him the name of the hotel where we were staying, and he said he’d come as soon as he could. I had a hard time believing he couldn’t get away from his desk by six. Couldn’t get away when his sons had to leave the house where his drunk wife had just gone on a rampage, broken bottles and glasses and plates, hurled insults like they were baseballs.

  No one on this earth needed him more than we did right now. And yet he wasn’t here. Maybe the tech corporation where he led the legal team did. I really had no way of knowing, but I did know that the Internet never slept.

  Darren did, though, having cried for about an hour. Luke had disappeared for a while and came back mellow and reeking of pot. I’d said nothing. He’d showered and changed and now he lay on the bed next to Darren, staring at the ceiling.

  I had the TV on low, my phone resting on my chest, and Eden weighing heavily on my mind. I pushed myself up. “I’ve got to make a call.”

  Luke didn’t move, didn’t respond. I swiped a room key from the cabinet and stepped into the hall. I dialed Eden, desperate to hear the sound of her voice.

  “Hey, you,” she said in a carefree tone.

  A measure of tension released from my shoulders. “Hey.”

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing.”

  “You’re such a liar.”

  I reached the end of the hall and stood at the window, staring into the darkness. I could trust Eden, I
knew. I just didn’t want her to know I’d had to leave my house because of my mom. Or maybe I did. Maybe then I wouldn’t have to carry the situation by myself. “It’s my mom,” came out of my mouth.

  “Your mom?”

  “She’s an alcoholic,” I said, my voice monotone, almost robotic. “It’s gotten really bad. We’re in a hotel tonight, it’s so bad.”

  Eden sucked in a breath. “Grayson, are—are you okay?”

  “We’re fine.”

  “Is your dad there?”

  “He’s coming.”

  The silence on the line told me she recognized another lie. “He’s trying to get her into a rehabilitation center,” I said. “I’m just trying to keep Darren and Luke safe.”

  “Who’s keeping you safe?” she asked.

  “You are.” I drew in a deep breath. “Let’s talk about something else. Tell me about work.”

  “Oh, that’s no fun,” she said. “I barely want to live through it once.” She tacked on a quick laugh that sounded a bit forced. “Want to hear how Josh took the news of us going to prom?”

  The simple thought of dancing with her, holding her in my arms, kissing her under the stars, calmed me. “Yeah,” I said. “Tell me how that went.”

  I was actually surprised Josh hadn’t called or texted, but he always knew how to stay out of something if he needed to. A rush of affection for him filled me, and then the pretty sound of Eden’s voice started again.

  By the time we hung up, all the pressure that had built in my lungs had dissipated, and I could breathe again. I turned around just as Dad called, “Grayson, is that you?”

  I shoved my phone in my back pocket and hurried down the hall toward him. “Dad.” We’d never really been the huggy type, but he wrapped me up in his strong arms and held me close. And for the second night in a row, I cried in my father’s arms.

  * * *

  When my phone alarm went off the next morning, I felt like I’d been run over by a truck and then backed over by another truck. Still, I heaved myself out of bed and into the hotel shower.

  I ran downstairs to grab bagels while Luke and Darren started getting ready for school. We ate and I herded them toward the door when Dad sat up. “I’m taking her in today,” he said.

  We all stopped, and I latched my eyes onto Luke’s for a breath or two. “Will she go?”

  “Aunt Lisa drove all night,” Dad said as he stood. He exhaled heavily. “Uncle Shawn will be here in an hour. We’re going to have an intervention. They’re going to help me—” He swallowed his emotion and reached for a whole wheat bagel. “They’re going to help me get all the alcohol out of the house, and then Lisa is going to take her until the program starts next week.”

  “So…” I put my arm around Darren’s shoulder. “So she’ll be gone when we get home from school?”

  “We don’t get to say goodbye?” Luke asked.

  Dad approached, shaking his head. “She just needs to go, guys.”

  “She said goodbye years ago,” I murmured.

  “That too,” Dad said. “Go to school. I’ll see you this afternoon.”

  I pulled my keys out of my pocket and jangled them. “Come on, guys.” My bad mood went with us to Darren’s elementary school, then Luke’s freshman center. I brooded through my classes until second period, when I remembered I’d get to see Eden. That put a bounce in my step and a measure of hope in my heart that had felt like it would never return.

  “Hey.” She sidled up to me in the hallway.

  I glanced down at her and a smile sprang to my mouth. “Hey.”

  “How are you?” She paused and put her hand on my forearm to get me to stop too. She pulled it away quickly and cast her eyes around to see if anyone had seen her touch me.

  “Great,” I said, a vein of nervousness squirreling through me with the way she didn’t want to be seen touching me.

  She peered at me like she could see beneath skin with only her eyes. “Gray.”

  My heart pinched. She never called me Gray. Always Grayson. But now, the walls down between us and so much emotion in the single syllable, and I felt too exposed. “I’m fine.” I started walking again, wondering what she’d seen.

  “All right.” She caught up to me. “Want to eat lunch with me and Mona’s friends today?”

  “Mona’s friends?” I waited for her to enter the classroom first. “They’re not your friends?”

  “I’m still working on that part.” She slipped me a smile and glanced into the classroom. Her eyes swept the area before she deemed it safe and stepped past me to enter.

  “So what makes you think they’ll want me to sit with them?”

  “You’re Grayson Young.” She pranced around the desks to her row and dropped into her seat. “Everyone wants to eat with you.”

  I scoffed and took the seat in front of hers. Nancy Jenkins sat there, but she hadn’t arrived yet. “And doesn’t JJ hang out with Mona sometimes?” I had no interest in spending more time with him—or having Eden eating with him without me.

  Eden cocked her head to the side. “Yeah, sometimes.” Her eyes blazed with something I couldn’t identify. Maybe curiosity. “Is that a problem?”

  “Not for me,” I said, only a little white lie in the words. “But really, I was hoping we could go out to lunch instead.”

  She put her elbows on the desk and leaned toward me, a coy glint in her expression now. “So let’s make a deal.”

  “A deal?”

  “Yeah. I’m sure you’ll think of something.” She settled into her seat and made a show of pulling out her notebook.

  I wanted to go to lunch with Eden. No JJ. No other friends.

  She wanted… She wanted me to eat lunch with her friends. I wondered if I could hang out at her house after school or something. I wondered if Dad really meant he’d be home when we got out of school. But by tomorrow, he’d be back at work, probably until midnight.

  “Don’t you still ice skate on Fridays?” I asked.

  “Yeah.”

  “All right, so here’s the deal. After your ice skating lesson, we could go to dinner. And I’ll sit by your friends at lunch today.”

  She pretended like she was giving serious thought to my trade. “Seems fair,” she said as Nancy arrived and pushed on my shoulder. I stood and edged around her and settled into my own seat.

  Class started and Eden focused and I lost myself inside my thoughts again. Had Mom’s brother and sister managed to convince her that she needed help? Aunt Lisa lived in Seattle and Uncle Shawn would’ve had to take a red-eye from Orlando to be here so fast.

  I suddenly thought that climbing a mountain in ski boots would be easier than getting Mom into rehab.

  Excerpt from Eden’s journal:

  I can’t believe I said I’d go to prom with two guys. I am a special kind of inept. I mean, who does that? Am I really that far out of practice with dating? With talking to boys?

  I guess it doesn’t matter now. What matters is fixing it before Grayson finds out. I don’t want him to think badly of me, and I absolutely cannot hurt him. Problem is, I have no idea how to fix it besides calling JJ and telling him I made a mistake. That might not be a bad idea…

  I’ll talk to Josh tomorrow at dinner. Since he’s a guy, maybe he’ll be able to tell me the best way to deal with the situation so that no one gets hurt—and I don’t look so stupid.

  21

  Eden

  The atmosphere in the cafeteria could only be classified as chaotic. I usually went through the line, collected my chili and cornbread or walking taco and got out of there. But Mona and her friends ate at the third table against the wall with all the windows. It was a coveted place in the cafeteria because it was the farthest from the garbage can and tray return. The natural light also made the place seem less like a prison and more like somewhere you’d actually want to eat. Double bonus.

  I went through the line and got a chef salad with turkey. My account number went through fine, when yesterday I’d been warned
to pay lunch money again soon. I hadn’t mentioned anything to Mom, but somehow she knew. I made a mental note to be sure to thank her. How she kept up with everything with all six of us was mind-boggling. How I’d never given her credit for what she did was worse.

  When she gestured toward it, I took the spot across from Mona. Lyla was absorbed in a conversation with Mikey, her prom date. Next to him sat JJ, and I flashed him a quick smile before Thea sat next to me.

  “Grayson’s sitting there,” Mona said.

  “It’s fine,” I said, though the only seat left was on Mona’s side, down on the end farthest from the windows.

  Thea glanced to her left, where a guy named Calvin Rock sat. “Can you move down?” she asked in a saccharine tone. He practically fell to the floor in his haste to accommodate her request.

  She slid down and gave me a look so pointed it could’ve drawn blood. “There you go.”

  “Thanks,” I mumbled, very aware of her saltiness. I shoved a huge bite of lettuce, meat, and cheese in my mouth, thinking that if I ate quickly, I could be close to done before Grayson arrived.

  He sat down beside me only sixty seconds later, while I was still chewing that first bite. I didn’t even have to turn my head to see the way JJ bristled, and I would’ve had to have been deaf not to hear the flirtatious tone in Thea’s words.

  Mona engaged me in conversation and so did a couple of other kids, one from my history class and one from Spanish. They were all juniors. Going nowhere next year. A sense of calm flowed over me as if someone had poured heated honey over my head.

  This was good. Having friends was nice. And when Grayson slipped his hand onto my knee and squeezed, it felt like everything in the universe had finally aligned.

  * * *

  “It’s my turn to pick,” I said that night as Josh groaned about the all-you-can-eat buffet I’d chosen.