They stood looking at each other for a while. She could hear his sadness – how it hurt him to see her trapped in here.
“It’s been more than a few months Tiegal. It’s a year, to this day, since your…well…when you…” he attempted.
“When I transported myself?” she filled in for him. “Wow! A whole year! I hadn’t connected that. So, it’s Release Day time again then?”
Rinzal nodded at her. He looked concerned, almost anxious.
“Your Derado really suits you. I always suspected yellow was your energy colour. So much less complicated than a pink, like me,” she teased him, avoiding the obvious direction he was trying to steer their conversation in. She wasn’t ready to face the implications of what the one-year anniversary of her disappearance could mean.
Rinzal frowned at her:
“I can’t imagine there will ever be any energy colours as complicated, or as powerful as yours Tiegal.”
She squinted her eyes as she looked into his, trying to read what his words really meant.
Why did you let yourself release so much energy like that?
She heard him say, from somewhere deeper inside his mind – a place he thought he had hidden from her. She didn’t want to lie to him. Someone had to hear the truth about her.
“I can hear your thoughts you know; not just the communication ones. I mean, the deeper ones,” she whispered.
He nodded.
“I had a feeling you could. It’s a bit of a mix-up! Well, you’re a bit of a mix-up!” He grinned at her then. “Why don’t you sit down with me on this miniature bed of yours and tell me more. I want to know what you have discovered about yourself.”
Tiegal felt her whole body relax with relief. She was desperate to talk about this, with someone she trusted. She crawled onto the pillow and pushed her body back against the wall, crossing her legs under her skirt to allow enough room for Rinzal to squeeze on to the bed and face her.
“Okay, where do I begin? Let’s see…me being a mix-up is actually a perfect way to describe what I am… and what I am not! I guess explaining my mind is the best place to start?”
Rinzal nodded in encouragement. He didn’t seem to be in any rush.
“I know that I can hear deeper thoughts; the ones others think they have hidden, which is useful, but sometimes very disturbing. But I still haven’t mastered any control over my own thoughts, and this drives me crazy.”
“I bet it does. I could hear you replaying your dreams when I was outside your door, before I even knocked. That can’t be helping you get yourself out of here.” His voice sounded a little sad. Not angry, more concerned.
“It’s impossible Rinzal! Atla and his Team have complete control over me. I can’t use my extra mind powers to my advantage because they’re always one-step ahead of me! They hear all the plans I devise from their secrets and then they get angry and make me sit in solitude like this for even longer. What’s the point of having extra abilities when they just cause you even more trouble?” she argued, slapping her hands onto her knees. Rinzal covered her fingers with his palms. He was warm and soft and just what she needed.
“Stop it Tiegal!” he ordered her, in a gentle voice. “I mean, stop feeling guilty about how you are enjoying me touching you and offering you comfort. I’m not going to judge you for wanting physical affection the way you do.”
Tiegal drew back from him. She took a big gulp and held her breath, desperately hoping it would help her close off the deeper thoughts she didn’t want him to hear in this moment – about how she knew how he felt about her.
To her surprise, Rinzal burst out laughing.
“Okay, first of all, holding your breath will not help you to shut off your thoughts. It requires a lot more concentration than that! And secondly, since I did just hear what you were trying so hard to hide from me, I can assure you that I am not in love with you…well, not anymore anyway.”
Tiegal gasped. She coughed her embarrassment into her cupped hands, hoping they would conceal her face from his amused gaze on her.
“I didn’t think you were in love with me Rinzal!” she protested. Her voice was a raspy squeak.
Rinzal rolled his eyes.
“Look Tiegal, I did have feelings for you that I knew I wasn’t supposed to have. And it truly scared me - for many reasons. Mainly, because it was such hard work hiding those kinds of thoughts from everyone else, but more so, because I knew you could hear it no matter what I did.”
“But you don’t feel it now?” Tiegal dared to ask. Much to her shame, she felt quite deflated at the idea that she had lost his affection.
“I still adore you and feel connected to you, in a way no one of our kind is supposed to. But…it is different, and safer now.”
“Because I’m a freak? Because they treat me like an experiment now?” she spluttered, unable to look at him.
Rinzal made a growling noise. She could hear the fury inside him; not towards her, but to the Team that Atla had assigned to experiment on her.
“Tell me they don’t hurt you,” he pleaded in a soft whisper.
Tiegal let out a snort. “What’s the point. You can hear the truth inside me Rinzal. I can’t hide it from you, as much as I want to.”
She turned away from him to look out of the window, pointing her face towards the sunlight that was now streaming through her window. How could she explain how violated she felt every time they made her watch the scenes from the old days? The way they tormented her with visuals of girls, some as young as ten years old, being padlocked into coffin-like boxes that were suspended onto the walls of dark and dirty rooms. How they played with her emotions, testing her reactions to what she saw? Or, how she felt when the screens showed sweat-drenched men forcing their way into the coffins and onto the girls.
She knew Rinzal was listening to her re-playing these scenes in her mind. His short, raspy breathing made it obvious how distressed he felt by what he heard.
“So, they don’t actually touch you in any strange way then?” he whispered. “They just make you watch horror scenes of what can happen when you let desires become physical? To see what it does to your energy release?”
Tiegal shook her head, wiping away her tears.
“A few of the males have tried, when they think they are not being watched, but there is this female who always stops them from doing anything. Well, before they take it too far anyway. They call her Parador.”
“Parador? Yes, I know of her. She is one of Atla’s favourite aids. Apparently, she is quite gifted, in a way he finds useful. To be honest with you, no one really knows what she can do, or what her agenda is. But whatever it is, she certainly has Atla entranced. He seems to do everything she tells him to! Although, I shouldn’t complain since she was the one who gave me the all-clear to come and see you! Atla would be furious if he knew, particularly considering our history together.”
With his index finger and thumb he pinched the skin between his eyebrows, in the way he had always done when he was feeling stressed about Atla and his rule over them all.
“Anyway, you might want to watch out for her Tiegal. I have a feeling that she can manipulate what you see and what you think. That’s probably how she is creating these scenes they make you watch,” he warned her.
Tiegal jerked her head back in his direction.
“It feels real Rinzal. And it hurts too. It’s like they’re trying to break me. Make me feel dirty and ashamed. That I’m a monster, because I have desires and dreams. That I want to make a real connection with someone. I don’t believe that if we were allowed the choice to love and explore physical connection, the majority of us would choose to behave in such horrific ways. But, the more they make me endure these visuals, the more they drain me of everything that I believe in,” she admitted.
Rinzal reached out to pull on a strand of her hair that had fallen loose from her ponytail.
“This sure is a tiny space they have given you in this bamboo hut. But you’ve still managed to make i
t seem cosy.”
She managed a smile in response. Rinzal always had been good at creating distractions from awkward discussions.
“Rinzal! What are you talking about? I have a miniscule bed that is so small my feet stick out when I lay down. You and I can barely fit on it sitting as we are. There is one tiny sink and a bowl that they give me for…well, I’m sure you can imagine. Cosy is not the word I would use. It’s a prison!” she complained.
With one quick movement, she swung her legs over his head to allow them to them to hang down from the elevated miniature bed. Her toes scraped across the dusty floor, narrowly missing a beetle that scurried out from under the bed.
Rinzal let out a heavy sigh.
“Tiegal, y’know I used to feel the way you do, about desire and choice. That’s why I was so ecstatic when I heard I was your match on Release Day. I thought that maybe we could experience the desire between us via our Derados, in a way that Tandro would accept. But then…you disappeared. Your true desires were stronger, and you were drawn to someone else. And I can tell you the truth now. I was angry, and hurt, and jealous. Basically, all the emotions we’re supposed to be protecting ourselves from by living as single units here. It wasn’t a good feeling either. And it made me realise that there is a lot to be said for the way Atla has designed our life.”
He paused then, as though waiting for Tiegal to protest. When she didn’t, he shuffled himself even closer to her and continued:
“I’m in a better place now. I think I’ve come to accept the difference between what I thought I desired and what I can have. I’m enjoying life with my Derado. I can see the benefits now I have it. And do you know something else? I actually love the feeling that comes from releasing my colours and exchanging. I mean, it feels amazing. I can’t imagine the old ways - the physical connection ways you and I talked about - could be more satisfying than what we have now. The experience of releasing is unbelievable Tiegal. You finish off feeling re-energised and then you can walk away from whomever you exchanged with, without having to deal with any emotional debris afterwards. You can keep your own fire burning all day long! It’s all in your control!” Rinzal explained matter-of-factly.
There was something about his words that made her feel twisted inside and even lonelier.
“Oh!” was all she could think of to say in response.
“But that’s not you, Tiegal. You are different, and that’s okay. As I said, I’m here to help you now. To find a way to stop all this bullying experimentation they are conducting on you. But you are going to have to get yourself armed.”
“Look, tell me more about what you can do. I want to know!” he urged as he placed his hands over hers.
This was music to her ears. She squeezed his hands in gratitude.
“Okay, let’s see, what else. Hmm… for some reason I can sometimes taste words.”
She paused to see how he would react to this. He didn’t flinch.
“It’s mainly names, which is mostly okay and sometimes nice, like yours for example.”
“Butter popcorn?” he asked.
She managed a chuckle. “That’s right Rinzal. One of my favourites. You always smelled like that to me anyway, but now I can taste it too. It’s so strange!”
He winked at her, a little flash of eye-light. It was so good to see him, even if he did seem more typically Tandroan than before.
“But not everyone tastes good. Sometimes it can taste revolting. There is one member of the team they send over who is called… Quintel...urgh!” she gagged.
“That name tastes like dirt and worms, although I have no idea how I know that’s what dirt and worms would taste like, it just does,” she said.
Rinzal raised his hand indicating for her to slow down, but she couldn’t stop. It was all pouring out of her now.
“And there is one new thing I have discovered. You will like this Rinzal… I can conjure little jolts of colour releases from my hands! When I dance or feel joyful,” she added, in one big burst, almost running out of breath.
Rinzal shrugged his shoulders. He didn’t look impressed.
“That’s nothing new. I knew you had that ability. I saw you do that a few times during the morning chant, when you were still on the camp. I just didn’t want to alarm you before you were ready to see it yourself. And that was before you were given your Derado. Where is yours by the way?” he asked, glancing at her neck.
“They won’t leave me alone with it. They bring it to me every day to see what I can do with my energy and then take it away again. I guess they want to make sure I don’t do anything crazy with it again. You know, like transport out of here!” she answered, hoping he wouldn’t ask her too much about this part of her daily routine with whoever came to see her from the Team. She didn’t like to think about it too much. It made her feel something strange inside.
Rinzal stared straight past her, as though fixated on something on the wall. His posture indicated his reluctance to hear any of the uncomfortable details. Finally, he looked at her again.
“Show me!” he requested. “The little releases from your fingers.”
Tiegal smiled. This was more like the Rinzal she remembered, the curious male kimberling she had grown up with.
“Well, I’ve only ever done it when the morning beats sound, but maybe there is another way?”
She looked around the room, desperate to see if there were any objects that she could use to re-create a beat. There was only the bowl, the one they had given her for necessity. That was the last thing she wanted near to him. She hated having to use it herself!
Rinzal took control, pulling her fingers to his chest so they rested underneath his Derado.
“Don’t worry,” he reassured her “I’m not trying to engineer that kind of exchange,” he added. “But I do think I can help you fix something that you really need to function effectively.”
Tiegal gasped. “You mean the mind barrier? You know how to fix this part of me?”
She tensed her body, afraid to hear a negative answer.
Rinzal shrugged. “Don’t get your hopes up, but it may be possible. I wasn’t sure if you would have enough power inside you anymore, but from what you’ve just said about your fingers…”
“You said this ability was nothing new?”
“I think I was too quick to dismiss it. I can feel the electricity running through your veins when I touch your wrists. The Team haven’t managed to drain you of all your energy. Not at all! Whatever they think they are extracting from you and storing into your Derado every day, is only a portion of it. You are abundant with energy. And… it seems you can hide it! So now you just need to learn how to also hide what is in your head too.”
“How?” she whispered. Her entire body was trembling in anticipation. Something big was about to happen; she could feel it again. Her dreams had prophesised truthfully after all.
“Look into my eyes Tiegal. Keep silent. I only want to hear your thoughts. Don’t try to screen them from me just yet. Let them flow at first,” he instructed.
Her fingers burned on his skin. She could feel a charge of electricity running inside of him.
Can you feel my heart beating Tiegal?
She nodded at him. Tears of love and gratitude filled her eyes. He was showing her how to dance to a beat she could finally control.
I want you to feel how my beats sound. Listen to the sounds of my body. See if you can conduct it with your fingers and absorb the rhythm so that it stays inside you.
She watched her fingers as they moved across his chest, as though no longer connected to her mind. Pink sparks released from them in jolts on his skin. She pulled back from him, afraid she could hurt him.
Don’t worry Tiegal. You won’t stop my heart. I’m strong. Keep absorbing until you know it is ingrained in you.
They sat together in harmony for a few more minutes. It was Rinzal who finally broke them apart, gently removing her fingers from his skin. His head slumped forward on to his chest.
“Oh no, Rinzal. What have I done? Wake up! Please! I’m so sorry.” She leapt off the bed so that she could let his head fall onto the pillow.
“I’m okay Tiegal. I’m just a bit drained. I’ll be fine in a minute. Just sit with me and talk to me so we can see if it worked. Think of things you don’t want me to hear but make sure the rhythm we just practised is in your head when you do. That’s how you will know how to hide them,” he managed to reassure her.
She sank down onto the cold floor and let her tears run down her cheeks.
“You do like a good cry Tieg!” he teased her. The colour had returned to his face again as he sat up and faced her, long legs stretched outwards at right angles.
“Go on! Think your craziest thoughts,” he urged her.
I love you for doing that. Is that okay? To love someone but not in that big, unexplainable way?
Rinzal raised his eyebrows at her.
“I heard some of that Tiegal.” He gave her a reassuring smile. He wasn’t offended. “Try again. Keep the rhythm in the background all the time. Remember, you are different than others, you are too loving and open, but it causes you pain, so you need to armour yourself. That’s why we are doing this. Try to use what I have given to you so that you have more control; so that they can’t hear everything inside you.”
Tiegal closed her eyes and tried again, conjuring Rinzal’s beats as a backing track to her emotions.
I want to find the fair-haired male. I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t belong here.
“Did you hear that?” she asked.
Rinzal shook his head.
“Not a word!”
They both jumped up at the same time and embraced each other in one big, non-Tandroan style hug.
“Thank you Rinzal, for everything. I can’t believe you came here and did this. No one ever comes to see me…other than the Team.”
She whispered the last part.
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