“I turned up!”
“You just appeared! And that was it! That was the real moment he changed. He became absolutely transfixed by you. I was so hurt. So jealous. I didn’t even really care how shocking it was because I was so consumed by his reaction to you. I threw it in his face - this awful secret about his dad - before I left, because I knew it would be the worst thing that I could say to him.”
“Oh, I see! That’s why you left,” Tiegal whispered.
Elna wiped her cheeks with the back of her hand. Her tears seemed to fall in a never-ending stream down her face.
“Yes, that’s why I left. It was too painful to see how obsessed he had become with you. But when word reached me that he had started drinking heavily, I came back to see how he was. That’s why I suggested to Annarita that we look for him near the cabin. I thought maybe he was torturing himself with his demons and bad memories. But… clearly he was ridding them, or should I say exorcising them, in a very different way.”
Elna blushed, averting her eyes from Tiegal’s stunned expression.
“I see.”
Standing up slowly, she raised her hand out to Elna.
“Can I come sit with you?”
As soon as Elna nodded her agreement, Tiegal walked over and sat down close to her side. Not wanting to overthink it, she then wrapped her arms around both Elna and the furry creature. Much to her relief, Elna relaxed into her embrace.
“What do you call this animal? The name is lost on me.”
“Oh! It’s a cat. I found her near the river. She was starving hungry and looked lost and afraid.”
Tiegal buried her nose into the cat’s fur and inhaled. Animal scents always comforted her.
“Thank you for telling me this Elna. You said earlier that you need to be careful starting fires, and I can see why you said that now. But, where I come from, we see fires very differently. In my world, we look to the fire inside of us as the very thing we must control. That we must not let anyone dampen it because it is our power.”
And with that she held out her hand to the girl she now understood.
“You have a beautiful fire inside of you Elna. And you helped Johannes keep his fire burning all those years, when he couldn’t.”
Once again, Elna burst into tears. Tiegal pulled her close. Their heads knocked together as they found their awkward embrace. Although inexperienced in such emotional displays between almost strangers, it felt like the natural thing to do. Enough thoughts and words had been exchanged. Tiegal felt confident that a truce had been reached.
But as she held onto Elna’s shaking body and waited for a sense of peace to reach her, she had to gulp back her own tears as the all-too familiar feeling of fear and dread overwhelmed her instead. A new danger brimmed now. Her body was screaming at her – attacking her with violent nausea and dizziness - to get away from Elna and her emotional distress. Her own fire was struggling. All these human emotions and experiences – jealousy, grief, anger and loss – were draining her emotional resources. It seemed that the more she exchanged such powerful human emotions, the more she was in danger of losing her own strength, and her potential to survive here in this world.
25. Endings
Johannes slowed his walk down to match his pace with Kagiso. It had been a while since they had enjoyed evening walks around the river together like this, but it still surprised him how much slower she had become since then. He had forgotten how old she actually was.
“When you were smaller, I used to say to your Ma, ‘let me take him down to the river and see if I can burn some of that energy outta him’. You always needed a good run around when you had too much going on in your head,” Kagiso chuckled, in-between her raspy breaths.
“You okay Kagiso? You sound tired,” Johannes checked, linking his arm into the crook of hers.
“And you sound confused. Is Annarita still giving you grief about Elna?”
“She won’t even look at me!”
“I’ve told her to try being more understanding, but you know what a romantic that sister of yours is. She’s only ever loved Frederick. I think she assumed it would be the same for you with Elna. I think it’s hard for her to accept that even when we love someone we can hurt them, even if we don’t mean to.”
Her voice wavered, an uncertainty that did not match her usual conviction. It made him feel strange.
“I think I have always loved Elna - but as a friend. I realise now that I wasn’t in love with her, but still, I never wanted to hurt her.”
Kagiso sighed. “Who does? Love someone or not, you don’t want to hurt them with your choices, but sometimes you do! Just as I didn’t intend to hurt you.”
“Hey, stop there, what’s all this about? You have never hurt me. Let me see your face!” he demanded, pulling her back gently with his arm. As soon as he clocked her sad, mournful expression, he reeled back, almost pulling her over as he did. He had seen this kind of look before, and it terrified him.
“You look like… like…” he struggled to get his words out.
“Like your Ma did? Before she passed?” Kagiso offered helpfully.
“Don’t say that Kagiso! I didn’t mean to sound like I was comparing you to what happened to Ma…” he faltered, giving her one of his apologetic shrugs.
They had now reached Johannes’ favourite thorn tree and he could see she needed somewhere to perch. He motioned for her to sit on the low-lying branch, quickly checking that it was still strong enough to support her weight. Kagiso lowered herself down carefully, wincing as she supported her back with her left hand.
“Bones are quick to age but my mind still feels so young. And as old as I may be, I still remember how all these choices can make a young heart so confused. Your Ma was the same when she met your Pa y’know!” she mused, batting her apron together with her hands, as though she were applauding herself.
Johannes twisted his hips as he settled himself into his usual spot, under the shade provided by the looming branches of the thorn tree.
“I can’t see why Ma would have struggled with her decision to marry Pa! They were childhood friends, weren’t they? It was set in stone that they would be together.”
Kagiso laughed, a hearty chuckle, that quickly transformed into a nasty-sounding, chesty cough. Johannes jumped to his knees, leaning over her and gently patting her back. He offered her his handkerchief so that she could spit the phlegm into it without any need for embarrassment. He knew she was a proud woman; just as his mother had been.
Just like Ma! She used to cough just like this before she left us…
He quickly shook his head to rid his mind of such foreboding. Losing Kagiso was unthinkable, even if it was seeming more likely with every desperate bid for air that he heard her take.
“Breathe. Breathe now,” he encouraged, “no wonder you are so out of breath like this, laughing at every little thing that I say,” he teased, hoping his jovial and familiar banter would lift her spirits. Or somehow mend her tired lungs.
Maybe Tiegal will know what to do? She might have some advanced ideas about medicinal plants from her world or something?
He trembled as he thought about her now, waiting for him to return to her in their cabin. And all at once he felt that all-too familiar conflict within him: torn between running over to fetch her; and simultaneously, feeling ashamed that he could even contemplate leaving Kagiso on her own here like this. He always felt the burden of choice. He never felt he had made the right one.
“I was laughing at how blind you have become Johannes,” Kagiso finally spoke, as her breathing steadied. She held onto his arm as she twisted herself on the uncomfortable branch and then smiled at him.
“You said it was set in stone that your Ma and Pa would marry. Can you not see the irony there?” she asked him.
Johannes squinted as he poured over his own words that she had echoed back to him.
Set in stone…like Elna and I had been. By our fathers. Only it all changed when we found a stone, well a diamon
d…and then Tiegal arrived. A girl who really was made of diamond.
He shook his head in amazement as the parallel pieces of his life and those of his parents’ came together in his mind.
“Did they both want to be together though? Even if their destinies had been pre-determined for them?” His question was a whisper.
Kagiso shook her head.
“It’s never simple where matters of the heart are concerned. I think your Pa was enthralled with the idea from the start. But, your Ma? Well, she was like you. A dreamer. There were hidden desires she was forbidden from exploring. And she never did of course. But you see, that’s why I think she would have wanted different for you. And even for Elna too.”
Johannes flinched at the sound of her name. He still hadn’t been over to her house to see her since she had fled the cabin scene.
“Is that why he betrayed her the way he did? Even when her body was still warm? Because he felt unsure of her feelings for him?” He spat out his anger. It had never truly left him.
Kagiso reached out her hand to squeeze Johannes’ arm. At least she tried. Her attempt only highlighted just how weak she had become.
“I promise you Johannes. Your parents shared a great love. Your father made some bad choices and said some hurtful things after she died. But that was because he was grieving. It wasn’t your fault. You were a child. If anyone should feel any regret it is me. I should never have let you go after him. It was my job to protect you. I promised your mother I would!”
Her head lolled to the side a little as she spoke, her words slurring with each utterance.
Shocked by the sound of her breaking voice, Johannes reached up from his kneeling position and pulled her into his arms.
“You have always protected me Kagiso. I would have ended up finding him anyway. Please don’t blame yourself,” he whispered into her ear.
“Thank you, my sweet, sweet boy. I guess sometimes we find things we wish we hadn’t. And others, well, we must hold on to those finds and never, ever, let them go.”
As always, she spoke the truth.
“Did Annarita tell you? About the girl I found? The one I have been hiding?”
Kagiso chuckled.
“She didn’t need to. I knew all along that it wasn’t Elna I heard you talking to in your bedroom. I could see it in your eyes and the way you were smiling again that you had found what you have been waiting for. What your mother had been promising you would, in your visions, hey?”
“Unbelievable!” he whispered, staring ahead to the space in the river, where Tiegal had first appeared.
“Please Johannnn…” Kagiso started, the rest of her words lost in a fitful of hacking coughs.
“Please what?” Johannes rubbed her back gently but with several firm strokes. A surge of panic filled his body with adrenaline. His mind raced with the possibility that what Kagiso was asking him would be the last thing she ever asked of him. How could he possibly save her if she really was nearing her last breath?
“Don’t let this new girl think me leaving is her fault. It’s just a coincidence that I have to go…” Kagiso said, jerking her head up to him, as though wanting to say more. Her mouth moved as though speaking but only her breath exhaled in front of him.
“Kagiso!” he cried, over and over, rocking her in his arms as he felt her slip away.
Tiegal waved goodbye to Elna and then broke into a run, darting through the trees as quickly as she could. Her body was out of control and she needed to get back to the cabin. Something was bubbling inside of her. She felt as though her energy was seeping out of her, or perhaps, bursting in sparks. She couldn’t be sure. But the way her fingers were heating up again she knew there was trouble ahead.
Her Derado was calling for her. She could feel its power from all this distance. Calling for her to re-energise, to get her fire burning inside her again.
Just as she reached the parting of trees where the old swing announced the pathway to her cabin, she stopped in her tracks. The unmistakable scent of grief and despair had suddenly wafted under her nose. Something was very wrong.
Instinctively she jerked her head up to check where the scent was coming from.
“Tiegal! Where are you?”
The sound of Johannes’ desperate cries approaching made her turn. He burst out of an entangled branch of trees to her left and fell into her arms. His face was wet and his shoulders were shaking.
“What is it?” Tiegal demanded. Her body went rigid as she clamped her arms around him. Taking a deep breath, she lifted his chin upwards from where he had buried it into her chest.
As soon as their eyes met his face crumpled.
“Annarita said she saw you heading this way, after you had been talking to Elna,” he managed to respond.
“Hey, Johannes, I’m sorry, okay. I didn’t mean to frighten you. I just wanted to make things right again. It’s not worth this kind of upset!” she reasoned with him, pulling him closer to her chest.
Johannes’ body continued to shake as he let out his anguish into her tight embrace.
Someone has left this world.
It was an ominous, undeniable scent that oozed from his pores. It triggered a sharp, lightning pain to shoot from between the back of her eyes. Annoyed, she shook the thoughts away. She had never been near death, or such grief before. How could she possibly determine its scent?
Although, something else - a feeling deep inside her stomach- warned her that her instinct was correct. The way Johannes was unleashing such distress could surely only mean one thing: that a tragedy had once again befallen his family.
There was nothing she could do but wait – allow him all the time he needed to cry his heart out. His heart-breaking sobs filled the air, the only sound in the otherwise sleepy, dusty, pathway between the bush and the house.
It was only after Johannes’ had fully exhausted himself, to the extent that his cries became choking splutters, that he finally lifted his head and faced her. Wiping the tears from his eyes, he announced, “It’s Kagiso! She’s gone!”
26. Confusion
“Oh dear, Tiegal, are you running out of fuel again?”
She could hear Parador’s mocking voice but she refused to respond to it. This was just another dream. The darkness wasn’t really here. What she could see was not real, just a scene made from her fears: a cold, soundless night; the clearing near the cabin; and an older man who was stumbling around a furious fire.
Stamping her foot down hard she turned her back to the scene before her and closed her eyes.
“Do you think he needs help, perhaps? You wouldn’t really want to watch him burn would you now? Surely not my sister? The one with the heart inside her eyes?”
Tiegal couldn’t help herself. She swung around to face the pulsating eye-light of her nemesis.
“What did you say? Sister? What are you talking about?” she demanded. A disturbing moaning sound filled her ears. It made her squirm. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see that the man was getting closer to the fire. He was mumbling words that sounded like ‘wife’ and ‘baby’ as he waved a half-empty glass bottle around his head. Tiegal put her hands over her ears to shut out the agonising sound of his human pain.
If Parador was going to torture her like this in her dreams then she would force her to converse in the Tandroan way:
What did you just call yourself? We don’t have sisters.
Parador made a shrieking sound that sounded like a trapped animal. But then she clapped her hands in front of her face, several times. Tiegal gave her a little growl, letting her know she recognised it as a deliberate, mocking impression of one of her many over-enthusiastic habits.
Parador moved closer to her and flashed her golden eye-light towards her. Tiegal clenched her fists as the menacing voice channelled through to her:
You really are losing all your power out here. To think my magic has stayed with you for so long that you still can’t remember. Look at you! Playing this pretend game of being human a
nd so happy and in love!
You are weak now Tiegal Eureka! And you are only going to get weaker. Your fire, your light, it is barely even in existence anymore. You are smoke!
Tiegal smacked both her hands on Parador’s chest and pushed her away. She didn’t even flinch. Instead, she flickered her eyes to the side and mouthed: “Watch!”
Unable to resist the temptation, she turned her attention to where Parador had indicated and screamed at what she saw.
The man was getting too close to the fire. Waving his hands around and dropping brown liquid over it. The fire was getting stronger, and out of control but he just kept moving closer to it until he lost his balance completely tumbling…falling… and then consumed by it, until all she could see through her tears was a blurred vision of Johannes’ father writhing around in flames.
Tiegal awoke to the sensation of heavy pressure. It only took a few seconds for her to realise the feeling was connected to Johannes. His hands were clamped over her mouth. His eyes were inches from hers. And he was sweating profusely.
“Shh…sweetheart. It’s just a dream.”
He released his hands from her lips and then kissed her, ever-so-gently. His breath smelled of wonderful contrasts; of happy, safe and desire, all at the same time.
“Did I wake up Henri?”
“I think you woke up the whole house.” He grinned at her. “Which is a shame as I was hoping we could enjoy a little bit of early morning playtime.”
“I am sure that is not allowed. Not when you are supposed to be getting up for your early chores.”
Johannes groaned.
“You were supposed to be my early chore!”
Normally she would find such temptation irresistible but not this morning. The horrifying dream experience still lingered. Forcing a giggle, she gave him a playful slap on his upper arm. She could feel his arousal as he pressed his body against hers, but she managed to wriggle her hips from underneath him. Annarita and Frederick’s voices could be heard outside the door as they took it in turns to soothe the cries of their little boy.
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