With My Whole Heart Forever

by Wendi Sotis

  As he escorted her down the stairs to supper, he decided that maybe he was finally acquiring the knack for acting as guardian to a young lady, after all.

  ~ The following day

  Elizabeth made her way to the stream, thinking about the young lady she hoped to meet there. She had enjoyed Ana’s company several times since the day they met. Their friendship progressed quickly as they had many opinions in common, such as their taste in music and literature, though they had differing views on works of poetry, which made for some interesting conversations. Apparently, Ana was from an estate nearby, though Elizabeth felt the girl carefully avoided mentioning the name of the place. The reason behind the concealment was a mystery.

  Although Elizabeth enjoyed riding, she did not have access to a mount, so Ana would walk along with her. Ana had a most convenient feature of her riding habits — a detachable train. Elizabeth examined it carefully so she could duplicate it when she arrived home. The younger girl also led Elizabeth to some interesting sights on their rambles.

  Elizabeth was under the impression that Ana had been through some terrible ordeal. Though she would not pry, her imagination sometimes got the best of her as she tried to think of what could have happened to the pretty maiden.

  Every time they met, Ana always seemed tense, but Elizabeth made it a goal to have her new friend laughing by the time they parted company. So far, she had succeeded every time.

  Today, their seventh meeting, they planned to walk towards the south. As Elizabeth rounded the last curve in the path, she found Ana as usual — sketching while she waited — but today, there were two horses with her.

  Ana said, “I have a place in mind for our exploration today that is further than we would have time for if we walked, and you did say you like to ride.” She hesitated. “In case you would like to see it, I brought along a horse for you. Her name is Papilio, after the butterfly-shaped star on her forehead. She is a gentle mare who I enjoy riding on occasion. Since you are not wearing a riding habit, I brought along a large blanket which you may use to cover yourself. I will help tuck it around you once you have mounted.”

  So thoughtful! “If you enjoy this place, I am certain I will, as well. Thank you.”

  Elizabeth helped Ana gather her things, and they mounted their horses.

  As they rode, Elizabeth felt they had developed enough camaraderie to ask some questions that had been nagging at her. “Who is the boy you leave with every time we meet, Ana?”

  Ana’s back stiffened, but then she relaxed. “A stable-boy. My brother is busy most afternoons and is not as…” Ana blushed. “…lenient as your aunt and uncle.”

  “Believe me, it is only at home on my father’s estate that I am usually permitted to walk alone. Due to our current circumstances, my aunt and uncle have allowed me to venture out without an escort, but when I stay with them in Town, they are strict about their rule that I am to walk to the park only with a maid or footman.” She smiled at Ana. “Are you visiting your brother?”

  “My parents are dead,” she said quickly, almost as if she must say it fast, or she would not be able to say it at all.

  Elizabeth’s heart stuttered. “Oh, I am sorry to hear it. I did not mean to bring up something that would cause you pain.”

  “Thank you. It is fine.” Ana shook her head. “I never met my mother, or at least, I was too young to remember it now. My father died a few years ago. We were never close. He was not… approachable. My brother and cousin are now my guardians, and I love them both dearly. Unfortunately, my cousin is in the army. Since he is not available often, my guardianship mostly falls upon my brother.”

  Elizabeth nodded. “Do you have any other siblings?”

  “No, it is just the two of us.” She stopped her horse and became very still, taking deep breaths.

  Elizabeth moved her horse closer and laid a hand on her friend’s arm. Ana was trembling. “Again, I apologize if my inquiries upset you.”

  “It is not you, Lizzy. My brother is the best man in all of England, but I have not been the sister he deserves. He probably wishes we had another sibling so he could pass me off to someone else’s care at times.”

  Elizabeth raised her eyebrows. “I am certain you are mistaken. You are such a lovely person. Every young lady has their difficult times — I have four sisters, so you may consider me an expert on the subject.” She chuckled. “Judging from what I have observed of other families, I believe young men have their struggles, as well. It is all part of growing up.”

  “I am not as well behaved as I should be. Take our meetings, for example. The truth is, I am not allowed to go anywhere or do anything without an escort.”

  “Am I not company enough?”

  Ana shook her head. “I am not permitted to spend time with any one of whom my brother has not personally approved. The stable-boy has been told to remain with me, but—” She looked up frowning. “Oh, it is not his fault. I have bribed him to give me a bit of time to myself. At home, I am surrounded by servants who watch my every move and report back to my brother. This…” she waved a hand, indicating the circumstances they found themselves in. “…this began with my wish to sketch uninterrupted, but once I met you… I do so enjoy your company.”

  “Your brother does not know we are out together?”

  Ana shook her head.

  Dread settled into Elizabeth’s stomach. If Ana needed to hide from her brother such innocent meetings with a genteel lady, perhaps he was not the best man in all of England, as Ana had proclaimed.

  “I can call upon you at your home so that your brother can meet me. Then our walks need not be kept a secret.”

  Ana opened her eyes wide, as if panicked. Why was it that Ana did not wish to tell her where she lived?

  “I – I do not think that is a good idea,” answered Ana. “My brother would know that I was not where I was supposed to be whenever I went out for a ride. And Jimmy would get in trouble.” She took a deep breath. “That is not the only way I have misbehaved.” She nudged her horse to begin walking again.

  Elizabeth followed. Ana did not elaborate on other ways she disobeyed her brother, and Elizabeth would not question her further.

  After continuing on for another a minute or two, the woods brightened. A gate guarded the opening to a meadow filled with wildflowers of every colour. A doe and her fawn, drinking from a small pond near the centre, raised their heads, tensing with alarm. As the ladies passed through the gate leading their horses, the deer scurried into the thickets on the other side of the meadow.

  “This estate never ceases to amaze me,” Elizabeth said. “At every turn, I find something more beautiful. I would love to explore every inch of the neighbourhood.”

  “There are no other grounds in the area as splendid as those of Pemberley, Lizzy.”

  “Not even on your brother’s estate?”

  Ana looked up quickly. She blinked several times in a row, then looked away and pulled out a pocket watch. “We should return to the stream now. Jimmy will be coming for me soon.”

  CHAPTER 6

  Approaching the tree line along the outskirts of a vast grassy field her brother’s cattle sometimes used for grazing, Ana slowed Blossom from her gallop and turned in her seat to make certain Jimmy was still behind her. If she returned to the manor house without him, surely Fitzwilliam would hear of it. The last thing she wanted was to be more of a burden.

  Her skin heated with a blush.

  Everything she did lately made him worry — or would if he knew about it.

  She loosened the reins and allowed her horse to graze as she waited for Jimmy to catch up to her.

  Guilt settled uncomfortably in her chest. Was she behaving ungratefully by disobeying her brother’s rules?

  She had always been open with him in the past. In return, he indulged her when he thought her request proper. If not, he explained, in detail, the reasons why he would not allow it, and those explanations usually sounded reasonable.

  Perhaps she sho
uld tell her brother she met Lizzy? The time she spent with her new friend was entirely innocent, after all.

  But then she would be expected to invite Lizzy to tea so that Fitzwilliam could meet her.

  A chill ran down her spine. No! That could only turn out badly.

  Once Lizzy saw Pemberley and knew the extent of her family’s wealth, her new friend might treat her differently, just as had happened with everyone else in the past.

  The Darcy estate was one of the largest in England that was not associated with a title, and it was quite prosperous. Their relations on her mother’s side were peers. From the conversation she overheard during her last days at Madame Delray’s School for Young Ladies, the Darcy name apparently held power.

  Bits of that experience slipped past the walls she had tried to build in her mind and heart since withdrawing from that establishment, leaving behind the girls who she once thought were her friends.

  Growing up, she had always been shy and quiet. She remained at the outskirts of social gatherings at school until a group of girls befriended her and pulled her into the centre of the school’s highest societal clique.

  Just when she was becoming comfortable with her new position, she overheard her group of friends, who were in the shared sitting room next to her bedchamber. One of them voiced her belief that Ana had gone to visit her aunt, the Countess of Matlock. Although she knew she should not have listened further, she could not stop herself from lingering near the door.

  The truth she learned that day was excruciatingly painful. They did not even like her! When she finally backed away from the door — for she could not predict how much longer she could hold back her sobs — she was convinced they were using her with the hopes of someday getting close to her brother.

  She could not blame them, really. Fitzwilliam was a wonderful man. He was a loyal friend and the most obliging and thoughtful brother a girl could have. Servant positions at their households were rarely unoccupied, but when one did fall vacant, there were always many applicants for the post. Their tenants spoke of her brother as a most generous and sympathetic master. As a bonus, Pemberley was a beautiful, prosperous estate. Any woman would be lucky to become the mistress of it. The next Mrs. Darcy would have anything she ever dreamed possible, other than a title.

  The experience taught her a thing or two about keeping up her guard… but not nearly enough to protect her from George Wickham.

  She shook her head to rid it of thoughts of him.

  Jimmy rode up alongside her. She patted her horse’s neck and tightened the reins. Clicking her tongue, she steered her horse onto the path through the woods that led home.

  After overhearing her acquaintances’ true opinion of her, it had been a difficult three weeks before returning home for the winter holidays. She kept a stiff upper lip during her time at Pemberley — at least while she was in her brother’s presence — but as the time quickly passed, the thought of returning to school had become unbearable. When she voiced this opinion, her brother demanded a reason. She could not stem the tears that fell during her explanation. It was quite a relief when Fitzwilliam agreed to hire masters for her, instead.

  In addition, he hired a companion who went by the name of Mrs. Younge.

  And so, Mrs. Younge came into her life directly following all that occurred at school, at the exact moment when Ana needed someone in whom she could confide all her hopes, fears, and the tenderest sorrows of her heart.

  When Ana had fallen ill last spring, and the doctor recommended she go to the sea for the summer, Mrs. Younge accompanied her. Unbeknownst to Ana or her brother, the companion arranged for George Wickham to join them there. She also encouraged Ana to accept Wickham’s attentions.

  It was all to get their hands on her dowry.

  Ana sighed. In truth, everything that had happened to her had been her own fault. She should have been brave enough to return to school. She should have been bright enough to see the deception that took place all around her. And without a doubt, she should have known better than to have agreed to an elopement.

  Since then, many hours had been spent analyzing the reasons behind her acceptance of Wickham’s proposal. After learning that she was not valued by her school-mates — they only put up with her as a means to an end — still she was blinded by the scoundrel’s pretty words. Mrs. Younge must have betrayed all of her secrets to Wickham, because everything Wickham said about her and everything he did, proved himself the perfect match for her. He soothed all of her wounds and said all the right words to make her feel as if she was important to him and that he loved her for who she was, not for what she could do for him.

  Meanwhile, what she could do for him was the only reason he was interested in her — just like the girls at school.

  It was humiliating! But it proved to her that she could not trust her own judgement.

  Was having a friendship with Lizzy the wrong choice, too?

  Jimmy called out to her, and Ana ducked her head under a low-hanging branch. If he had not alerted her, she would have been knocked off her horse.

  Thanking the stable-boy, she silently promised herself she would pay closer attention to the path.

  As they passed through a lovely clearing, it prompted memories of the times she had picnicked here with her brother and her cousin Richard.

  Richard’s voice echoed through her mind.

  For a year or two after her father had passed on, she used to linger in the corridor before entering a room that Fitzwilliam and Richard occupied, hoping to learn what they spoke about when she was not with them.

  A few times, she caught Richard teasing her brother about the many women who courted him. According to their cousin, maidens and their mothers swarmed around Fitzwilliam every time he ventured out into society. Some tried to trick him into compromising them. She was shocked by her brother’s recitation of some of their maneuvers!

  In this manner, she understood that Fitzwilliam rightly despised the ton. Many of their level of society would put on false airs and degrade themselves to get what they thought they wanted, but he refused to do so. He wished for honour, decency, and sincerity in his friends, as well as in his future mate.

  And thus, so did she.

  However, it had been demonstrated quite powerfully that knowing this was what she desired did not mean she would be able to recognise it when she met with it. Instead, she had been surrounded by deceit, hypocrisy, and disrepute.

  When she was younger, George Wickham had always been kind to her and devoted many hours towards her amusement. He was a favourite of her father’s and had been boyhood friends with her brother. So, at the time they met again at Ramsgate, seemingly by happenstance, she fell for his compliments and words of love wholly and completely. When he brought up an elopement, a little voice in her head told her it was wrong, but George was persuasive. Mrs. Younge acted the impressed friend and subtly encouraged it all.

  Putting to use what George knew of her brother, he convinced her their elopement would save Fitzwilliam the trouble of putting on a large wedding breakfast and having to invite the society he disliked.

  She knew her brother to be hesitant, at best, in large society anywhere away from home. Being in crowds of strangers made him uncomfortable. Therefore, she agreed to the elopement.

  Thank the good Lord that Fitzwilliam saved her from such a fate!

  When Fitzwilliam confronted George Wickham, Ana listened in. In hindsight, she wished she had not, but it was probably for the best that she heard George’s real opinion of her. Otherwise, she might have held Wickham’s abandonment against her brother.

  Although she felt guilty for coming so close to throwing away her future, and for disregarding her family honour so easily, she was now healing. She had matured in the past few weeks, but she still feared betrayal. Which was the reason she now avoided telling Lizzy where she lived, and also why she evaded mentioning her last name. Nobody but her brother called her Ana, so if Lizzy mentioned that name to anyone, they would not
know who she meant.

  Her mind was forcefully brought back to the present when her horse entered a stand of trees so thick, the sunlight was almost blotted out. She slowed her horse and concentrated until her vision adjusted. Seeing the path ahead was clear, her mind wandered once more.

  While Lizzy seemed different than the other young ladies Ana had met in the past, it could all be a ruse.

  But it was evident Lizzy valued friendship more than social standing. Even though she was a gentleman’s daughter, was she not staying with a tenant farmer right now, never uttering a word of complaint?

  Ana’s heart told her Lizzy would not treat her any differently if she knew who she was, but her heart had been proven wrong before.

  Fitzwilliam would be able to sort out whether Lizzy was indeed as genuine as Ana wished her to be. However, would his sense of familial honour prevent him from even considering a lady from the lower gentry as a friend for his sister?

  If the two met without being properly introduced, without the knowledge of each other’s social standing, as she and Lizzy were doing now, he could form an unbiased opinion of her.

  The Harvest Ball was coming up soon. The ball would be the perfect place for them to meet, but if he was introduced as the master of Pemberley and he met her as the gentlewoman who was staying with one of his tenants, it would not do for Ana’s purposes.

  How could she arrange a meeting without them knowing the other’s situation?

  The woods ahead thinned and opened into another meadow of long, deep-green grasses. A cloudless, azure-blue sky suspended to cover the earth. Squinting, she rode into the brilliant sunlight and reined in her horse until her vision became accustomed to the brightness.

  Observed from here, the hill before her was quite ordinary, yet, the crest of this mount was her favourite place in all the world, especially at this time of year. Her horse ascended the slight incline. As she reached the top…