“Jillian can use the help. Really. The spiced hot apple cider is selling better than hot chocolate right now.” She wasn’t trying to avoid being with him, exactly. But it sure seemed like she’d been duped. Or at least misled.
He took her shoulders and bent until she met his gaze. “I’m not working for Kristen. I’m not doing anything with Kristen.”
“She lied?” Avery hated the weakness in her that believed him. Had she learned nothing from the other men in her life? Plus, he was entitled to work with whomever he wanted, wherever he wanted.
“It’s not the first time.” His face pinched, and compassion welled inside her. He’d been hurt too. It wasn’t just about her.
“Thanks for the hot chocolate.” She tilted her head, wondering if he’d accept her words as a peace offering.
His dimple appeared. “I can help with the stand.”
“I’m sure Jillian won’t turn us down. Maybe she can take a break.”
His finger touched her cheek, slowly sliding down. “Send her home or wherever. We can handle it until closing. I don’t think she’s had a break all day.”
“I think you’re right.”
By eight o’clock, the farm booth was sold out of everything except a few odds and ends decorations.
Gator took the cash box to his pickup.
Avery watched him walk away, her hands still on the plastic table cover she was folding. He’d surprised her so much today. From taking her place on the dunking booth to being a great help trimming the tree to working the booth with her tonight. Was he hoping to get something? Or was he just being nice? Or, and this thought made her heart go from adagio to allegro, did he actually like her?
She finished folding the orange table cover and reached for the other one. What did it matter if he did? Sure, she was attracted to him, and after today, she liked and respected him too. But even if he wasn’t working for Kristen, he was still headed west, while she was going to D.C. Unless she didn’t get the place in the orchestra. If that happened, she still had a teaching job offer, but she could stay on the farm. Except she’d already decided that she wasn’t going to impose on Ellie and Fink any longer. After the Christmas rush, things would slow down for them, and they deserved to take a break and have family time. They had spent so much time away with Kent’s broken leg and surgery that they were probably looking forward to having their lives, and their house, back.
Her heart whispered it wouldn’t hurt to enjoy an evening or even a week with a kind, respectful man that she was attracted to. Her brain shouted that even considering the idea was the height of stupidity.
“Hey, Avery. You gotten too attached to that covering to pack it up, or what?” Jillian strolled up to the other side of the table.
Avery startled. “Whoa. I was way out there.”
“Yeah. I noticed.” Jillian took the covering from her and began folding it. “And before you panic, I’m just warning you that some kind of scruffy dog started following me around. It’s kind of shy, and everyone I’ve asked has said it’s a stray that the dog catcher has been trying to round up and take to the pound for weeks.”
“Oh. That’s sad.” She might be terrified of dogs, but she didn’t want to see them put in cages and killed, either.
“Yeah. So, anyway, I’ve been leaving pieces of hotdog out for it, and gonna see what I can do for it. I didn’t want you going crazy when you saw it.”
“Thanks. I’ve been working on my dog fear, anyway.” Avery met Jillian’s emerald eyes. Jillian had been a true friend to her since they’d both come to the farm this past summer. Maybe the first true friend she’d ever had.
“Really? I didn’t know. Where? Whose?”
Avery laughed as she laid the table on its side to put the legs down. “Gator has dogs.”
“The elderly dogs that you insisted wanted to eat you?”
“Did I sound that dumb?”
Jillian bit her lips and raised her brows.
Avery slapped a leg down against the underside of the table. “I think that’s a yes.”
“I’m kidding. Getting bitten as a child would cause anyone to be afraid of dogs.”
“Well, you were right. Gator’s dogs are nice. Although, I don’t think I’d want to be around them if he weren’t there.”
“Shh.” Jillian froze.
Avery did too, looking around without moving her head.
Gesturing slowly with one finger, Jillian indicated the corner of the next booth over. A black nose poked out not very far from the ground.
“This dog reminds me of the ones I trained in the circus in Mexico. It looks like a part mini-poodle. I bet it’s smart.” Jillian spoke low without moving her lips. She jerked her head. “I laid a piece of hot dog down. It smells it.”
They watched, not moving, as the dog sniffed around, grabbed the tiny chunk of hotdog and bounded back between the booths.
“I think I can get it.”
Avery wasn’t so sure. The dog looked starved, abused, and way too fast to catch, but she wasn’t going to discourage her friend. “You’ve got a way with animals. That’s for sure.” Miss Prissypants loved Jillian almost as much as she loved Gator. The only two humans aside from Avery that Miss Prissypants would allow to touch her unless she was in Avery’s carrier.
Jillian grinned. Triumphant. “So, what’s up with you and Gator? I saw you guys walking around together. I was kind of surprised because the last time I heard anything, you hated his dogs and didn’t sound like you thought too much of him.”
“I don’t know what to do.” Avery bent the legs in on the second table.
“He seems to like you.”
“Yeah. That’s weird, isn’t it?”
Jillian snorted. “Stop it. Although, you two do look kind of odd together. He’s wearing camo and has a knife strapped to his belt. You’re usually gussied up to the gills with makeup and hairspray and wearing some kind of flowing, hippy skirt.” Jillian tilted her head at Avery. “Today being the exception. Is it an off day, or have you started a new look?”
“It’s an off day. I still have these.” She wiggled her long, bright pink fingernails in the air.
“Ah, yes. The Dolly Parton nails.”
Avery grinned and looked down. “Yeah, because nothing else on me looks like Dolly Parton.”
“True, there’s no boobs to speak of, but you do have the blond hair.”
“Yeah, well, boobs or no boobs, Gator and I don’t exactly look like people who would get together. Not that it matters because he’s leaving going west and I’m going to D. C.”
“So what’s the problem?”
Avery brushed her shirt off and looked down. Stalling. “I’m afraid if we spend more time together, it’s going to hurt when he leaves.”
Jillian paused as she held the one wreath that didn’t sell. “Of course it’s going to hurt when he leaves. That’s life.”
“But the less I know and like him, the less it will hurt.” Avery grabbed a box for the wreath from behind the booth.
“You can’t live your life avoiding anything that’s going to cause you pain.” Jillian stopped abruptly and put a finger up. The dog was back. Avery took the wreath while Jillian took a chunk of hotdog out of her pocket and tossed it so the dog would have to come a little closer than the last time to get it.
They waited silently. Finally, after sniffing and crouching and sneaking forward, it lunged, grabbed the treat, and ran off.
“But I guess I understand being cautious. Especially since you’ve been hurt before,” Jillian said after a moment, continuing their earlier conversation. “Still. Don’t let fear keep you from experiencing something wonderful.”
Avery wasn’t convinced. “Even if it’s just a week or two?”
Jillian’s head jerked down in a quick nod. “I think it’s worth it.”
Avery considered that. She also considered that Jillian hadn’t shown any interest in any men since coming to Pennsylvania in the fall. But that could be because the whole
town thought she was crazy with her contortions and different manner of acting and speaking that she’d developed in the circus atmosphere.
“You’re probably right. Maybe I should relax a little and move out of my comfort zone.” She stacked the closed box on top of the others. “But I’m not going to get Dolly boobs.”
“Dolly boobs?” Gator took the table out of her hands. “Is this something you’re discussing with people, or is the decision already made?”
Avery’s face heated, but she said, “It’s made. As in, not happening.”
Gator smirked. “I think that’s a good decision.”
Avery thought maybe the tips of his ears were red. Maybe.
“Where do the tables go?” he asked.
“They belong in the courthouse basement.” Jillian pointed to the large building across the street.
Gator hefted the tables. “Anything else need to go? I can handle a little more.”
They gave him the poles for the booth and a bag with the coverings.
“Mrs. Baker should be there showing everyone where to set things,” Avery said.
“Okay. I’ll be back.”
Jillian left to look for her dog, and Avery walked over to the old oak at the edge of the big expanse of grass, out of the lights, but she was still able to see while she waited for Gator. Other folks were finishing packing their things up. Some had left their booths up to take down the next day, so the place looked partially finished.
Jillian was probably right. It wouldn’t hurt anything to enjoy the next few days. Make some memories. The only thing that might happen was that things could get a little awkward between her and Mrs. Franks. Maybe she could say something to Gator to try to keep that from happening.
“Deep thoughts?” Gator’s voice rumbled beside her.
“I was just thinking I want to enjoy being with you tonight.”
He put a hand on her neck, behind her hair. “Hmm. That’s funny. I don’t have to make an effort to have fun when I’m with you. It’s been a great day for me. Thanks.”
His rough skin on the sensitive part of her neck sent shivers down her spine. Definitely the right decision was to spend some time with him.
She tried to focus so she could speak. “I’ve had a wonderful time, too. You know that’s not what I meant. I have a tendency to overthink things. I don’t want to do that with you.”
“I was thinking…” He moved closer. Slowly, as though giving her the chance to get away.
But getting away wasn’t even on her radar. She wanted to be closer. “Dangerous,” she murmured, and he laughed.
“I’m trying to be serious here.” But his face still held the grin.
She focused on the dimple at the corner of his mouth. A man as big as he was should look out of place with a cute dimple. But it fit him perfectly. Before she realized what she was doing, her finger had come up and touched it, tracing the dip in his skin, feeling the roughness of his stubble.
“If you’re trying to get me to stop thinking, that was brilliant.” He closed his eyes. His breath fanned out, warm over her face. He pressed lightly into her finger.
A heady sense of power surged through Avery. The feeling that this man, so much bigger and stronger than she, would close his eyes and sigh at her touch. That she had control. The heady feeling warred with humbleness. She didn’t want to get hurt, but instinctively, she knew that by being here with her, allowing her to be close to him, he was giving her the power to hurt him as well. She had no desire to damage or weaken the man in front of her. On the contrary, with the power he’d handed her, she became aware of a feeling of great protectiveness and a desire to help him.
If she wasn’t careful, those feelings could swirl and mix, and it would no longer be about her and what she wanted, but about them, and what they could do together. The idea frightened her.
“That’s not a good look,” Gator said softly from above her.
His eyes were open again.
“I’m scared.” Typically, it wasn’t easy to admit weakness, but the words were out before she thought about them.
His fingers moved on her neck. “Of me?”
Her lips tilted up. “No. Of course not.”
“Good. Because that scared me.”
“That I might be afraid of you?”
“Yeah. I’m just saying we’re not close enough right now, and if you were afraid of me, that would have meant that I couldn’t do this.” He slid his other hand around her back and pulled her body to his, pressing her against him. “And, man, I’ve wanted this all day.”
Her arms went around his waist and she lay her head on his chest. She couldn’t remember anyone ever saying they wanted to hold her, yet alone saying it with the longing and emotion that had been in Gator’s voice.
His heart beat strong and fast against her cheek. His masculine scent filled her senses. His strong arms cocooned her and made her feel safe and cared for. She didn’t ever want to move.
“We should go find a spot to watch the fireworks.”
She didn’t care about the fireworks. Not the town’s fireworks anyway.
He didn’t move to release her, and she didn’t pull away, enjoying instead the novelty of holding and being held.
Finally, Gator’s voice floated softly above her. “I know you’re leaving, and so am I. I can’t ask you to give up anything for me, and my job isn’t transferrable.” His chested lifted and fell in a big way under her cheek. “I guess I’m saying I know there is no future for us, but I’d like to spend time with you for the next two weeks anyway.”
“Yes,” Avery whispered against his chest, with no hesitation.
He moved back and lowered his head, looking into her eyes. She had trouble keeping them open. His lips almost brushed hers as he asked, “Yes, there’s no future, or yes, you want to spend time with me?”
She remembered what she’d thought earlier about hurting him. She didn’t want to get hurt, because men always left—he was even admitting he was going to leave. But for the first time in her life, she was more concerned about the pain he might feel. People and relationships might not be her area of expertise, but she knew Gator wasn’t the kind of guy who shared his life and feelings easily. This type of arrangement could hurt him as much as her. More, maybe.
His hard, hot body felt wonderful and safe under her arms. Snuggled in close to him was like being home. And his thumb softly stroking at the nape of her neck sent delicious zaps of tingles all through her body, with warmth pooling at the bottom of her stomach. She wanted to move her own hands, explore the width of his back and the breadth of his shoulders. If she looked up and stood on tiptoe, she could kiss the hard angle of his rough jaw and taste the column of his throat.
But for what? A momentary pleasure that would only turn into acute pain when he left. And to be fair, when she left too.
She pulled away and stepped back. “Yes, to both. Yes, I would like to spend time with you, but unfortunately that’s not possible, since, yes, there’s no future.” She stuck her chin out, but pulled her bottom lip in, chewing on it. Spiegel im Spiegel played softly, sadly in her head, even as the faint strains of happier Christmas music drifted in the background.
He nodded his head. His throat tightened several times. “I can see how you might think the pleasure isn’t worth the pain.”
“Actually, for the first time in my life, I think it might be. It was the thought that something I might do could hurt you that made me decide it wasn’t worth it.”
She expected him to smile, maybe even laugh that she was concerned about hurting him, as big as he was next to her. But he didn’t. He sighed and his lips flattened.
“That’s part of what I find so attractive in you. It doesn’t surprise me that you’d put me ahead of yourself. You did it with my mother. And Fink and Ellie. Heck, it’s the reason you were at the dunking booth this morning. I guess it was selfish of me to want you for only a little while.”
“No! I’m the one that has spent my li
fe being selfish. Always concerned about a little hurt or about being uncomfortable or about getting ahead. Whatever. It’s always been about me. I spend time with your mom because I like her. I was at the dunking booth because it benefits me to advertise for the farm. This decision, the decision to walk away from you, right now, is the first decision I’ve made in my life solely to benefit someone else.” Her throat was dry, but she tried to swallow anyway. Her eyes stung. “Thanks for a really great day.” It was the best day she could ever remember having. This decision to walk away from Gator, for Gator, showed how much she cared about him. But it didn’t matter.
He hadn’t moved, hadn’t reached for her. Had only watched as she struggled and spoke. Already there was pain in his eyes, in the tightness of his face, in the clench of his fist. How much worse would it be, for both of them, after two more weeks of wonderful days like today?
A muscle worked in his jaw and his eyelids dropped a little. “To me…the pain is worth every second.” He spoke low and her heart trembled along with the tympanic vibrations in his voice.
Maybe that was his way of begging her to stay, to reconsider. Maybe she should…
“Gator! I’ve been looking everywhere for you.” Kristen, dressed in a cute, fur-lined vest and khaki pants, strode up to them looking slim and graceful. Even her hiking boots looked feminine next to Gator’s much larger, chunkier footwear.
She was the perfect foil for Gator, and they would be in the same quadrant of the country. They liked the same things and they already had a shared history. Plus, Kristen had things Avery would never have. She looked one more time at the thin, willowy shape that somehow made her rugged outdoorsy clothes look tough, yet feminine. Avery would look as out of place in those clothes as an elephant in a tutu. But those trappings defined Gator’s life. Even if she were to give up her teaching position in Washington and go west with Gator, she would never fit in or belong.
Avery moved to turn, planning to walk away.
“Don’t go,” Gator begged softly. “Please. Stay with me.”
Chapter Thirteen
Gator hated the words even as they left his mouth. He didn’t beg. And he accepted someone’s no. Except, apparently, when that “no” came from Avery telling him she didn’t want to hurt him. Heck, when was the last time a woman was concerned about hurting him? Ever? Other than his mother.
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