Sweet Nothing

by Jamie McGuire

  “You look nervous.” I slowed to turn off Milton Avenue onto Broadbeck Street.

  “Maybe I am,” she admitted, causing me to sit taller. “Not like that.” She sighed, rolling her eyes for dramatic effect.

  “Like what?”

  “I just … I get that this is kind of your thing. I see the way the women at work look at you, and how many you’ve gone through.”

  “You think I’m just playing you? That this is all some sort of game to get in your granny panties?”

  “Well, yeah—wait, what? I do not wear granny panties! Who told you that? Was it Deb?”

  I chuckled. “I know I have a reputation. I’m not going to lie to you and say I didn’t earn it.” Putting the car in park, I turned to look at her as she wrung her hands together in her lap, visibly cringing. “I’ve never made any promises to anyone, Avery. Every one of those women knew what I was putting on the table.”

  “You haven’t made any promises to me, either.” Her voice was barely above a whisper, but I could hear the tiniest edge of hurt in her words. “I guess I’m just saying … if this is all part of the game, I don’t think I want to play. I’m not like the other nurses.”

  I reached over to her, hesitating before slipping her honey-colored strands behind her ear, my fingertips brushing against her soft cheek. She turned toward me, worry in her eyes. Whatever this was, she felt it too, and it was scaring the hell out of both of us.

  “Avery, you think that bothers me? That’s what I like about you.”

  I could see that she was still uncertain, but she was willing to trust me, to give me a chance. That’s all I could ask for. Something changed the night I held her unconscious in my arms. I couldn’t hurt Avery. If I had it my way, no one would hurt her again.

  She looked out over the row of trees before us. “You brought me to … the woods.”

  “Yes.” I shoved open my door and made my way to her side of the car to open hers.

  She hesitated before sliding her palm against mine and letting me pull her to her feet.

  “I’m not really dressed for the outdoors. You should have warned me. I could have changed before we left.”

  “You look perfect. Just trust me, Avery.” Lacing my fingers between hers, I pulled her through the greenery, pine needles crunching under our feet. Her grip tightened on my hand as twinkling lights began to peek out between the branches.

  “What is this?” she asked. She began to walk faster, now the one pulling me. I couldn’t wipe the smile from my face as her very own living Christmas tree came into view. I’d done my best to clear the area around the small pine. Finding the decorations in the middle of summer was the hard part. My family didn’t celebrate much of anything after my sister passed away, and I didn’t care to carry on any traditions when I moved out.

  She gasped, and I smiled.

  I didn’t admit it to Avery on our last date, but I had reasons to hate Christmas, too. As much as I wanted to make all her old memories into happy new ones, I needed it for myself, too. Luckily, Quinn’s mother had no shortage of twinkle lights, balls, and tinsel. She’d filled the box I’d brought over with every piece she could find, including a snowman made out of Styrofoam to add to the ambience. The rest took some creativity. I’d emptied damn near every shredder in the hospital to gather enough “snow” to lay on the ground around the tree. I promised to clean up every scrap of paper to be able to pull this off in Amos’s Tree Farm.

  I reached up and tugged on a string hanging from a branch, making a cardboard box with holes cut in the bottom shake out its contents. The fake snow concoction I’d learned to make online floated down around us. Avery marveled at the sodium polyacrylate I’d harvested from a package of value diapers mixed with water, making me feel pretty damn great. The snow wasn’t perfect. Some of it fell in clumps, but she seemed to appreciate the gesture.

  “Josh,” she whispered. The sound of my name in her mouth made the hair on my neck stand on end. “This is incredible.”

  “I almost forgot.” Pulling my cell phone from my pocket, I scrolled through my music before slipping an earbud into my ear and holding one out for her. She held the tiny speaker to her ear, and her eyes brightened as White Christmas began to play. She beamed from ear to ear as she slipped her free hand back in mine and leaned her head against my shoulder.

  “Christmas isn’t so bad,” she whispered.

  From the corner of my eye, I could see her eyes glisten, reflecting the colors from the hanging lights above us.

  She looked up and then back at me, feigning disappointment. “No mistletoe?”

  She was like gravity. My entire body moved toward her, and the only thing I could do was wrap her in my arms and touch my lips to hers.

  Even with my eyes closed, I could see my future with Avery. Everything I’d heard about first kisses and falling for someone manifested in that moment: fireworks, electricity, music playing, ridiculous happiness, and even bells ringing. Her lips parted, and I slipped the tip of my tongue inside. She squeezed my hand, nearly sending me over the edge.

  I pulled away, looking down at our fake-snow-covered feet. “Whoa.”

  She picked white flakes from her hair and then glanced around, looking happier and more beautiful every second. “I also hate the little wrinkle above my top lip when I smile,” she said, smiling and pointing to it. “Are you going to change that, too?”

  I shook my head. “I wouldn’t change a damn thing about you. What else you got?”

  “Road trips.”

  I leaned back. “Seriously?”

  “Loathe them. I don’t think it’s possible to fix that.”

  “Make a list,” I said without hesitation. Playing it cool or being aloof or hard to get wasn’t fun anymore. Avery didn’t want to play games, and there was no question I wanted Avery. I was all in, and I was hoping she meant what she said, or trying to wear my heart on my sleeve would blow up in my face.

  “Global warming, the smell of coconuts and cigarette smoke, white ribbed man tanks, being the center of attention, overripe bananas, spiders, baseball, screaming children, bacon, drool, gagging, mucus, crumbs, Howard Stern, static cling, bad haircuts, leaving Costco without a churro, and the word elbow.”

  “Is that all?” I asked, straight-faced.

  She cackled. “What happens when we run out of things I hate?”

  A lot of things came to mind. I didn’t want to ruin everything by saying even one of them. My brain was still buzzing from the way she tasted. I wasn’t sure how anyone could think under this condition. “We’ll make stuff up.”

  Tugging her hand, I pulled her toward the clearing.

  “We’re leaving already?” she asked, her bottom lip jutting out slightly.

  I laughed at her pouty face. “I’m trying to be a gentleman, Avery, and a gentleman wouldn’t end the night pulling pine needles from his date’s ass, if you catch my drift.” I winked, and her lips spread into a wide, knowing smile.

  “I may have some hot cocoa at my place.”

  She raised an eyebrow as I concentrated on her soft lips. I wanted to be the good guy she needed, but it was becoming increasingly hard, in more ways than one.

  A tiny gasp slipped from Avery’s lips when I spun her around. The passenger door of my car popped as I pressed her against it, and she startled. We both laughed, and then I dipped down to capture another taste of her mouth, relishing in her sweetness.

  I reluctantly pulled back, wondering if it was this way with everyone. The more time I spent with her, the more beautiful she was. I pressed my forehead against hers, hoping to never wake up from this dream. Heavy drops of rain began to fall on us, breaking the magic of the moment. Avery laughed and looked up. I scrambled to gather Mrs. Cipriani’s belongings, and then Avery joined me. Our laughter grew louder with each item we put away.

  “Here,” I said, handing her the box. I reached up, unhooking the glass balls from the pine tree and tossing them gently. She beamed as she moved the box to catch each
one.

  After the final decoration was packed, I took back the box and kissed her forehead. “Hot cocoa sounds pretty great,” she whispered. The air had cooled with the rain, and her hair and dress were sticking to her skin.

  I brushed a damp, golden strand away from her eyes. “Let’s go.”

  My stomach was in knots by the time I pulled up to Avery’s building. She hadn’t spoken the entire trip back to her place. I wasn’t sure if she was having doubts about me coming inside, and a guy like me shouldn’t chance assumptions with a woman like Avery.

  Parking on the side of the road, I hurried to her side of the car and pulled the door open. She smiled shyly as she slipped from the seat, pushing down the silky fabric of her dress.

  I could see the nerves eating away at her, so I slipped my fingers between hers, squeezing her hand gently as she led me into her building and up the stairs, guiding me to her door. Fumbling with her keys, she nearly fell as the thick metal gave way and she lunged forward.

  “It sticks,” she mumbled while I closed it behind me.

  “I can fix that for you.”

  She blushed. “You don’t have to do that.”

  “I want to.”

  I took a step closer to her, sliding my hands against her warm cheeks and pulling her face to mine. Her body stiffened, but as my lips met hers, she relaxed against me. She slid her hands up my chest, and I sucked in a breath, feeling the sensation of her warm palms pressing the damp fabric into my skin. I wanted to feel her flesh against mine as I explored every dip and curve of her petite frame.

  Gripping my shirt from the back of the collar, I pulled it over my head and tossed it to the ground. Avery’s eyes danced down my torso as her fingers ran over the tattooed stripes on my ribs. Her brows pulled together, and I could see questions forming on her lips, but I didn’t want this moment to end. We had plenty of time to talk later. In that moment, I just wanted to fully enjoy every second without distraction before she came to her senses and realized she deserved so much better than someone like me.

  Slipping my fingers to the back of her neck, I slowly pulled at the knotted purple fabric until it became slack and fell loose. I could feel goose bumps rising on her skin as I let the pad of my finger slide down her spine. Her lips turned rigid, and then she pulled away. Her hands shot up, holding her dress in place over her chest as she took a step back from me.

  I reached out for her. “Jesus, Avery. I didn’t mean to—” Too fast. I always move too fucking fast. The girls I typically spent time with after dark didn’t care how many hours we had known each other before my hand was under their clothes, but I knew better with Avery. She didn’t need to let me fuck her in hopes it would keep me coming back long enough to feel something. I was the one hoping for more time.

  “No. It’s fine. I mean, you …” Her voice wavered as she raked her hair back with her free hand.

  Closing the gap between us, I wrapped my hand around hers and pulled it down to her side before reaching back to retie her halter top.

  She didn’t look away, but she breathed through her nose, crushed under her embarrassment.

  I pulled the fabric until it caught, and then held the soft skin of her cheeks in my hands. “I don’t expect anything, Avery. Not a fucking thing. Tonight was perfect, and if it ends here, we have …” Forever. “… plenty of time. I don’t want to rush if it’ll ruin anything.” I wasn’t sure if it would be ballsy or stupid to tell her how I really felt, but tomorrow seemed too small for what I wanted from Avery. Even forever felt like it could crash down around us. Every second I wasn’t with her was beginning to feel stretched, tearing gashes into the fabric of space and time.

  “That sounds dangerously close to you planning to stick around a while.” She attempted to smile, but failed.

  “Hey.” I lifted her chin. “You can talk to me.”

  “I’m just …” She sighed, her smile fading as she struggled. “I’ve seen the women you chase, Josh. I’m not like that. I …” She trailed off, wincing with humiliation.

  It took a moment to wipe the confusion from my face while I tried to process her words. I laughed once. “Thank Christ. That’s what I like about you, Avery.” Caressing her jawline with my thumb, I watched as the rosy color of her cheeks deepened.

  “I probably haven’t done … a lot of things,” she said.

  I shook my head, failing to stifle a laugh. Her expression turned from worried to pissed off. She pulled away from me, and I was learning quickly that I hated that.

  “You’re laughing at me?” she snapped.

  “No. Jesus, Avery. Is that what you’re worried about? A lot of this is new to me too, y’know. I’d rather be your first. And if I can’t be your first in something …” I gritted my teeth, willing myself to grow a pair.

  “What?”

  Her anger fizzled, but the worry in her eyes had returned. I would have to choose my words carefully. If I seemed like the old Josh, she was going to bolt. If I told her the truth, she was going to bolt too.

  “No,” I said with a sigh. “I’m trying to tell you that I … I’m just going to fucking say it. I care about you, okay? And that is new to me and fucking terrifying. And I’m not really sure what to do if you don’t feel the same way.”

  Her lips parted and she sucked in a tiny breath. After an eternity, she finally spoke. “I do. Feel the same, I mean.”

  “Yeah?” I asked, relief making my shoulders sink.

  She nodded. “It scares me too. But something about us is different. I want this. I want you.”

  My eyebrows pulled together and I exhaled. My mouth crashed into hers, as if she were the only source of oxygen in a burning building. I wanted to be consumed by the inferno now raging between us.

  The fabric of her dress fell away, and I scanned every soft curve of her skin. The only sound in the room was our breaths; the only movement was the reflection in her eyes as she watched me reach for her. I lifted her effortlessly, wrapping her legs around my waist. She kept her mouth on mine as I walked across the living room to the bedroom doorway. Reluctantly, I lowered her to the ground, until she was standing on her toes.

  “What’s wrong?” she asked.

  “Something new for me.”

  “Which is?”

  “A bedroom.”

  Avery bit her lip and giggled as I slowly slipped a hand behind her, fumbling with the small clasp of her bra before it snapped free and slid down to her waist. She broke her hold on me just long enough to toss the lace to the floor before pressing her body tight against mine.

  My dick was painfully hard against the rough fabric of my jeans, but I didn’t want to rush things with Avery. Her hands slid tentatively over the ridges of my abdomen, and they involuntarily flexed under her touch.

  “Josh,” she whispered against my lips as her fingers slipped under the waistband of my jeans. I quickly undid the button and zipper before shoving the denim to the ground and kicking them off my feet.

  Giggling into my mouth, Avery gripped my shoulders. I lowered her back onto her bed, our bodies tangling in the mass of fluffy comforter beneath us.

  There was no urgency between us. I wanted to savor every taste of her skin, from the valley above her collarbone to the soft curve of her breast.

  I kissed my way down her stomach as it dipped and raised with her ragged breaths, her long, elegant fingers lost in my hair, guiding me lower.

  Pressing my lips to the pale pink lace adorned by a small matching bow on the front of her panties, I felt her body tense. My rough, calloused fingers tugged at the edge of the fabric, sliding it down over her hips and the widening of her thighs. I dragged them down to her painted toes and tossed them into the darkness. I considered kissing the apex of her thighs, but I climbed my way back up her body, desperate to feel her beneath me.

  Even though Avery was significantly shorter than I was, her legs seemed impossibly long as they crossed behind my backside to hold me tighter against her. Her soft lips, still sticky from g
loss, settled on a patch of skin just below my ear. I grew harder as I rocked my hips, moving my length along her inner thighs.

  She breathed in and then let out a sexy, soft moan.

  I tensed. “You keep that up, this will be over before we even start,” I joked, and she rewarded me with one of her soft giggles, a whisper’s breath blowing against my ear.

  Pressing my cheek against hers, I closed my eyes. I needed a moment to calm myself before I lost control and flipped her ass over to take her in one of the many dirty ways I’d dreamed about since we’d spoken at JayWok. Avery deserved better than that. With her, I wanted more than just a quick, dirty fuck. I wanted to look into her eyes. For the first time, it was just as important to see the expression on her face when I slid inside her as the sensation itself.

  “Don’t move,” I said, more begging than warning. I crawled from her body and fumbled with the button of my jeans at the side of the bed.

  I said a silent prayer, followed by a thank-you when a small foil packet fell from my pocket into my hand. It bothered me that it had been placed in my wallet with the intention of being used on any random girl I took home. Now, I couldn’t imagine this moment with anyone but Avery. I couldn’t have predicted us being there, in Avery’s bedroom, but it didn’t stop the guilt from consuming me. Even watching me behave like the kind of douchebag she hated, Avery Jacobs was somehow lying beneath me, completely naked and impatiently waiting for me to make love to her. Everything had somehow fallen into place, even though I knew the truth: my life had been a series of bad luck. It was just a matter of time before Avery walked away.

  I tore the corner of the packet with my teeth, and Avery’s hand wrapped around mine, stopping me. My heart sank, as if she could see through the façade. Did she just now realize she was making a mistake? That she was settling?

  Taking the small packet from my hand, she pushed gently against my chest, guiding me back onto her pillow. Her smooth thighs straddled mine as I watched in awe, willing myself to be patient. Eager women didn’t require a lot of self-control. I knew the purpose and the end result, and I’d always accomplished that. Letting Avery set the pace was so different from what I was used to, and arousing in itself.