Sweet Nothing

by Jamie McGuire

  Avery narrowed her eyes, her fury building. “It?”

  “I’m fucking cursed, Avery,” I blurted out. “I should have told you, but I’d hoped if I did right by you, if I changed … It destroys everything I touch.”

  “Cursed? Do you think this is funny?”

  “My sister, my parents, Brooke, the baby … I’m being punished for what I did to Kayla.”

  “You’re not being punished, Josh,” Avery spat. “You were a kid.”

  “I thought if I did this right, if I didn’t fuck around, that just maybe we …” I shook my head, unable to finish.

  “Bad luck is an excuse used by cowards who don’t want to take responsibility for their actions.”

  “You don’t understand, Avery,” I said, reaching out for her. “It sounds crazy, but I’ve lived it. Bad things happen to people I care about. I’d stopped trying until I met you.”

  “Bad things happen, Josh. You can’t just give up on making the right choice.”

  Avery awkwardly bent over to pick up a bag I hadn’t noticed sitting by the bedroom door.

  An overwhelming sinking feeling came over me. “Don’t leave,” I begged. “I can fix this, Avery. Just … don’t leave me.”

  Avery covered her mouth, and with a sob, turned for the door.

  Deb seemed sad, curling her arm around Avery’s shoulders and walking her outside.

  I slid down against the wall, knotting my fingers in my hair. “I can fix this,” I whispered to myself. “I’m gonna fix this.”

  The living room light reflected off a silver chain on the coffee table. Avery’s penny necklace was lying on the glass. My heart began to pound against my rib cage, and I closed my eyes tight. “I’m gonna … what the fuck do I do?”

  I stood and stumbled toward the necklace. Beneath it was a pair of coral lace panties, ones I was sure didn’t belong to Avery. I picked them up, turning them in my hand. “What the fuck?”

  After a knock on the door, I ran across the room and yanked it open. Avery wouldn’t be knocking, but at the moment, I didn’t care why. I just wanted my wife to be standing on the other side.

  “Hey,” Hope said. She noticed my expression and then poked her head in. “Are you alone?”

  “I can’t talk right now, Hope,” I said, turning and closing the door.

  It didn’t close. Instead, I heard Hope’s footsteps behind me.

  “Um … that’s my, um … in your hand.”

  I stopped and turned around, looking at the thin fabric. I tried to keep my voice even. “Why are your panties in my apartment, Hope?”

  She shrugged, looking embarrassed, but not surprised. “I must have dropped them on the way out after I finished my laundry.”

  I held up the lace in my fist. “My wife found these. She fucking left me, Hope.”

  Hope took a step toward me. “I’m so sorry. I can try to call her if you want.” She touched my arm. “She’s been so irrational, Josh, even for a pregnant woman. She’s … I didn’t want to say it before, but she’s so mean to you. I hate to see you beat down over and over again. You’re so good and so loving. Avery doesn’t see it. I’m not sure she ever will. Do you want to come over and talk about it? Toby’s asleep.”

  For the first time, I saw the desire and intention in Hope’s eyes.

  “I just want to make you feel better,” she said softly. “We can hang out on the couch, or … we can do whatever you want, Josh. Sometimes we just need one night not to have to think about or feel anything.”

  I looked down at her.

  Her gaze fell to my lips. “I can make you feel better.”

  Just as she leaned closer, I shirked my arm from her grasp. “You scheming bitch. You did it on purpose.”

  “What?” she said, feigning surprise.

  “You told me earlier you knew exactly how many pairs of panties you had.” I threw the lace to her, and she caught it against her chest. “You left them here for Avery to find!”

  “Josh,” she said. “You’re upset. You’re being ridiculous.”

  I pointed to the door, feeling rage boil in my blood. “Get out. Get out before I throw you out.”

  “You’re crazy,” she said, backing away. She stopped in the hallway, indignant. “You and Avery belong together.”

  “Yeah, we do,” I said, slamming the door in her face.

  My spine ached from sitting so long on the floor, but it felt right to suffer. Avery had been gone for three days, and I’d been drunk for about the same amount of time.

  My bloody hands shook as I tipped the fifth of Jack to my lips, closing my eyes as the burn scorched a path from my lips down to my stomach.

  The amber liquid was barely a trickle now that I’d sucked the bottle dry. Tossing the glass to the side, it clattered and banged along the floor, coming to a rest against the kitchen island.

  I looked down at my hands, flexing them and feeling the bloodied skin of my knuckles pulling open. A few hours before, after I’d left Avery yet another voicemail, I’d taken Dax out for a walk and decided to punch the tree in the back courtyard.

  It took me two tries to push myself to my feet, stumbling to my right while struggling to keep my balance. The world around me blurred and spun as I blinked back tears.

  I’d gotten everything I’d wanted. I had Avery, the woman I never deserved, and a child on the way. Somehow I’d managed to destroy everything.

  I pulled keys out of my pocket belonging to a black Dodge Durango and choked out a laugh. I had a family vehicle and no family.

  I’d managed to sell my Barracuda for a profit, but after the down payment for the Durango and the cost of preparing for the baby, we didn’t have enough to buy a house like I’d hoped.

  I’d picked up extra shifts to build up our savings. Instead of having more time together, we saw each other less. Even when the choice was made to make our future better, it ended up being wrong. I’d fucked up everything, no matter how hard I’d tried to hold it all together.

  A sharp knock at the door caused me to jerk my head up, wondering if Avery no longer felt like this was her home. Had she left her keys? I looked around, but couldn’t focus.

  “Come on, man,” Quinn’s voice called out from the hall. “Open the door.”

  My heart sank. I needed to hear my wife’s voice. I had to know she was okay.

  Stumbling across the room, I twisted the lock on the handle and pulled it open.

  Quinn walked past me. “You look like shit,” he scolded.

  “Where is she? I need to see her.”

  He shook his head. “You really fucked up this time, Josh.

  “No, I didn’t. I swear to God, Quinn.”

  Quinn’s expression twisted into a combination of aggravation and disbelief. “Avery found the neighbor’s panties by your nightstand. You can’t explain that away.”

  “The nightstand?” I cringed, imagining Avery’s reaction when she found them, and how hurt she must have been. “I’d let Hope use our machine earlier that day.”

  “Your washer and dryer stack are over there,” Quinn said, pointing to a closet next to the refrigerator. “How did the panties end up in your bedroom?”

  I rubbed the back of my neck. “Avery warned me. She tried to tell me Hope was up to no good. I didn’t see it. I didn’t see it because I’m so in love with Avery.”

  He still didn’t look convinced.

  “Hope did it on purpose, Quinn. She left the panties here knowing Avery would find them.”

  Quinn shook his head. “God knows I love ya, Josh, but that’s pretty convenient. I get it. You got caught screwing Strawberry Shortcake and lost the best thing that’s ever happened to you. But it’s time to come clean.”

  “I never fucking touched her! You have to believe me. I swear on my unborn child. I’ve never cheated on Avery, I’ve never even thought of Hope in that way.”

  “Don’t swear on your baby, Josh, Jesus Christ.”

  “It’s the truth.”

  Quinn stared at me
for a long time, and then his face and shoulders fell. “I believe you.”

  I breathed out a sigh of relief. “Thank you. I need to explain to Avery. Can you make that happen?”

  “No.”

  “Quinn, please—”

  “You need to back off, man. Deb’s really worried about her. So am I. She isn’t in a good spot. She needs some time to think.”

  “She can have time. She can have everything she needs, but I have to know she’s coming back. I’m going fucking crazy here, Quinn,” I said, my voice breaking.

  The muscles worked under the tight skin of Quinn’s jaw.

  I began to panic. “She is … isn’t she?”

  Quinn pulled a duffel bag from his shoulder. “I don’t know. Deb hasn’t slept in twenty-four hours trying to keep an eye on her.”

  “She wouldn’t hurt herself. She has headaches and flashes, Quinn. She wouldn’t hurt our baby.”

  Quinn unzipped the bag. “You haven’t been around. She was hysterical for a solid three hours. We couldn’t calm her down. She was talking nonsense about the hospital and nothing being real. It was fucking weird.”

  “I need to see her. I need to tell her the truth. The stress is making her worse.”

  “Worse? She’s been this way for a while, Josh. I tried to tell you. We all have. You can’t keep ignoring it. Avery needs help.”

  I tried to fight against the whiskey fog that was making it all difficult to process. I was angry with myself all over again.

  “You should clean yourself up, man,” Quinn said, disgusted. “She would be devastated to see you like this.” He made his way to a laundry basket of clean clothing across the room.

  “She can’t hate me any more than she already does.”

  Quinn shoved a few of Avery’s shirts into the duffel bag. “Not as much as you hate yourself, I’m guessing.”

  “Deep down, Avery knows I wouldn’t cheat on her. She’s just … having a hard time.”

  “I hate to say it, brother, but all signs point to a different conclusion. She might be having ‘a hard time,’ but women without a head injury have suspected worse with less evidence.”

  “She is having a hard time.”

  “And you’re not helping her by making excuses. She doesn’t need you defending her mental state to the world. She needs medication, Josh.”

  “I’m not defending her. She hasn’t done anything wrong,” I snapped.

  Quinn hung his head, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I know she hasn’t, Josh. But this—” he waved his hands at the overturned tables and empty beer bottles “—isn’t good for her.”

  “I know. I’ll fix it.” I sank down on the edge of my bed, my head hanging as my entire world crumbled around me. “If I just knew how.” My voice was barely a whisper as I thought back to Kayla. I couldn’t help her either.

  Quinn’s stern expression softened. “You sober the hell up, first. She’s not going to listen to a raging drunk.”

  I nodded.

  “Give her some time, and when she’s ready, you go to her. Explain about Hope. Then you need to get her an appointment with a neurologist.”

  “She won’t. She’s scared of what they’ll say.” I let my lashes fall closed, sending the tears that pricked my eyes cascading down.

  “She’s scared because she doesn’t understand what’s going on with her health, and now her marriage is falling apart. She might be mad as hell, but she needs you.”

  I nodded, swallowing back the lump in my throat.

  “I’m gonna … I’m gonna shower and sober up. Make a pot of coffee, would ya?” I looked up at Quinn, who was now standing in front of me with the bag hanging at his side.

  “Sleep it off. She isn’t going anywhere.” He cupped my shoulder in his hand and then walked away, disappearing out the bedroom door. A few seconds later the apartment door slammed closed, and I fell back on the mattress, letting my sadness take over.

  Despite my drunken stupor, it was almost impossible to sleep. I drifted in and out of consciousness, dreaming of Avery coming home and having nightmares that she never would.

  When the sun finally cast shadows on the walls, I grabbed my phone. The screen read 7:04 a.m. It wasn’t too early to head over to Quinn’s. Avery would be awake, and hopefully she’d missed me, too.

  I showered, shaved, and brushed my teeth, feeling the way I had before our first date. I looked for the shirt she loved and spritzed on the cologne she always said made her unable to keep her hands off me. If I was going to win her back, I’d need all the help I could get.

  I slipped on my jeans and shoes, grabbed my wallet, phone, and keys, and headed for the door. I swung it open, feeling mildly confident. If Quinn believed me, Avery could, too.

  My keys dropped from my hands when I recognized the woman standing in the hallway, puffy and red-faced from climbing the stairs.

  “Avery,” I breathed.

  My purse slipped when I snatched it from the kitchen counter and it toppled to the floor. I crouched, picking up sticks of gum and pennies, groaning when it was time to push back up to my feet.

  “Let me help,” Josh said.

  “I’ve got it,” I growled.

  “Can we talk?”

  “I just came back for my vitamins, and no, I don’t have time. I picked up a shift today.”

  “Picked up a shift? Avery, your anxiety is through the roof. Did Deb check your blood pressure this morning?”

  “It’s a little high,” I said, wiping my hair from face. “Let’s not pretend you care.”

  “Just hear what I have to say.” He looked so exhausted, so desperate, it was all I could do not to fall into his arms. But I had to be strong for Penny. I had to walk away from a man I couldn’t trust, who didn’t respect me and the promises he’d made, even if that man was Penny’s father.

  I walked past Josh into the bedroom, searching in the closet for a pair of scrubs that still fit.

  Josh stood in the doorway, watching me change out of my maternity jeans into scrub pants. I slipped the blouse off over my head and pulled on a matching top over the stretched skin of my belly. I reached down, feeling my belly button through my shirt.

  Josh smiled, and his bloodshot eyes filled with tears. “I love you.”

  I sighed, looking down at my baby bump since I couldn’t see the floor anymore. “Please, don’t. You’re making it harder on me. This was your choice, not mine.”

  “You trying so hard not to cry is making me want to hold you even more.”

  “I have to be to work in an hour. I can’t do this right now.” I hesitated, knowing I was about to say words that, if Josh obliged, would be the beginning of the end. “I need you to … Penny and I can’t live with Deb. I need you to have your things out by the time I get home.”

  He bristled. “What? No, Avery. You’re not even giving this a chance.”

  “I gave this a lot of chances.”

  “I’m not leaving. You’re not leaving,” Josh said, pacing. “If you’d just let me explain …”

  Tears finally spilled over my cheeks. “You can’t. And honestly, I don’t want to listen to you try.” I stood, grabbing my purse off the bed and holding it to my chest. Receipts and my wallet tried to climb out through the zipper, and with trembling fingers, I stuffed them back down.

  My eyes felt raw and swollen, and when I stood, cool air kissed the bottom of my burgeoning belly. I yanked down my too-small scrub top.

  Josh reached for me, his eyes desperate. “I’ll leave. I go over to Quinn’s, and you can stay here and think. You can’t drive like this, baby, it’s not safe.”

  My patience fizzled, and my temper flared. “Oh, now you care about Penny and me?” My face crumbled. “You ruined everything, Josh. I loved you!”

  “I don’t know how to make you believe me. I know it looks bad. She came over because her dryer was on the fritz. I mean … she said it was. I don’t know if even that’s true.”

  Pressure began to build in my head, and I clo
sed my eyes. “Stop. I can’t hear this. I don’t want to know.”

  “You’ll accept the lies you see, but you won’t you accept the truth you hear? Fine, Avery. Look at me. Look at me, and tell me you believe I could ever cheat on you. You don’t believe that. I’ve never touched another woman since I fell in love with you, and I’ve loved you since the beginning. You’ve known all along what Hope’s been up to. If you’re going to leave me, at least do it for something I did. Not over a fucking misunderstanding. I just need five minutes. Just give me five minutes to explain.”

  Everything in me wanted to believe him, but I had to trust what I knew, which was the evidence of his past and the lace panties next to our bed. My lips trembled as I spoke, “There comes a point, Josh, where I have to start listening to myself. I can’t stay with you just because I’m in love with you. I have Penny to think about now.”

  “Okay,” he said, fidgeting. “I don’t want you to drive upset. We can talk later. I’ll go.”

  “You would just love that, wouldn’t you?” I sneered. “To run to her while I’m sitting at home, growing our baby, and she’s feeling so sorry for you for having a crazy wife.” I felt my strength and anger falling away. My chest caved as I sobbed.

  “You’re not crazy, Avery. As far as you know, you have a smoking gun. I can see why you’re upset, but Hope left the panties here on purpose. When she came over after you left—”

  I sniffed, anger consuming me. “She’s been here since I left?”

  “Yes, but—”

  “Oh, fuck you and your explanations.” I snatched the keys off the counter and waddled toward the door.

  Josh stepped in my way. “I can’t let you leave like this.” He tried to cup my shoulders, but I slapped his hands away. “Okay. Okay, I won’t touch you. Give me your car keys, and I’ll leave.”

  “You don’t let me do anything,” I said through my teeth. “And you definitely don’t pretend to give a shit about us when you’ve been fucking the neighbor! Everyone warned me to stay away from you, but I ignored them.” Twin rivers streamed down my cheeks. “Now I’m pregnant, weeks away from having your baby. You had everything you said you’ve ever wanted, Josh! You can’t take this back!”