Homer's Excellent Adventure

by P. J. Hoover

  “Nothing except the fact that Odysseus is kind of epic,” Dory said.

  “Epic. Whatever.” I kept writing. Almost like magic, the rain stayed off the scroll.

  “No really, he is,” she said. “None of this would be happening if not for him.”

  “Exactly,” I said. “If he hadn’t mouthed off to the cyclops, we’d be home by now. My farm would be saved. And you’d …” My words trailed off.

  “I’d what?” Dory said. “I’d be a slave again? Great. I can hardly wait.”

  I shook my head. “No. I’m not going to let that happen.”

  She let out a small laugh that I could barely hear over the thunder. “Right. And what are you doing to do about it?”

  I kept writing and didn’t meet her eye. “I don’t know,” I admitted. “But I promise—”

  She put up a hand. “Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Homer.”

  So, I didn’t say anything else. But I didn’t give up on it either. There had to be a way to keep Dory from returning to a life of slavery. A way to make everything right.

  From under the tree, we watched the water. Waves the size of Titans lapped over the dock and onto the shore. They hit against the ship, and it rocked dangerously close to tipping. All day and all night it rained. And the next morning, when we woke up, the ground was littered with ruined fruit.

  WALKING ON SUNSHINE

  WE STARED IN HORROR AT THE GROUND. MY STOMACH growled, but when I reached out for one of the peaches that had fallen, it mushed in my hands, like I was trying to grab a handful of slushie.

  The rain on the island had stopped, but almost like the island had a barrier around it, it still raged out on the water. If anything, the waves were even bigger, reaching as high as the floating island had been. As long as it kept going, we weren’t going anywhere.

  “You realize this is a problem, right?” Dory said.

  I slowly nodded, searching the trees with my eyes, looking for any fruit that wasn’t ruined. But if there was even a single piece, I couldn’t find it.

  “Maybe we can fish again?” I said.

  “Homer, have you seen the water? We can’t fish in that.”

  “I mean once the storm stops,” I said. “Then we get on the boat and catch some fish.”

  When I said we, I meant this in the most general of terms. I was horrible at fishing. No matter where I stood on the ship, it didn’t matter. The fish hated me. Dory, on the other hand, they loved her, even though she was the one who actually gutted and cooked them. It was like they were kamikaze fish.

  “The storm’s not stopping,” Eurylochus said, sauntering up like he was already king.

  “Of course, it’s going to stop,” Dory said, getting a little too much up in his face.

  He sniffed the air and his eyes narrowed.

  “Why do you say that?” he asked her. “Is it some kind of intuition?”

  Dory looked at him like he’d been hit on the head with one too many raindrops. “No. It’s common sense. Rain doesn’t keep going on forever.”

  “Hmmm …,” he said.

  “This is Zeus’ doing,” Odysseus said, walking up. He stood tall, but his face looked like he was nearing his breaking point.

  “It’s not Zeus’ doing,” Eurylochus said. “It’s your doing. You’re the one who brought all this on us in the first place.”

  “No,” Odysseus said. “It is not my fault at all.”

  Side note, Odysseus really did need to start owning up, just a bit. Because the gods had no reason to be mad at anyone else. But I kept my mouth shut.

  “Then maybe it’s someone else’s fault,” Eurylochus said, and he turned to look directly at Dory.

  “What?” she said, putting her hands on her hips, and I cringed. Of all the things she shouldn’t do right now.

  Almost like she heard my thoughts, she quickly dropped her hands to her sides.

  Eurylochus scowled at her.

  I quickly stepped in front of her, like somehow, all four foot eight of me was going to protect her.

  “You know, it’s not really helping anything to sit here arguing about it,” I said.

  All eyes turned to me.

  “The bard is right,” Odysseus said. “What we need to do is take action.”

  “Action like what?” Eurylochus said. “Maybe there’s another cyclops we can blind.”

  Anger flared on Odysseus’ face, but amazingly he kept his temper. “Perhaps next time I’ll make a deal with the cyclops and feed him you to appease him.”

  I wasn’t going to say it, but it would have made our entire journey a lot easier. Without Eurylochus around, we might’ve been home by now.

  Might’ve. It wasn’t the word I wanted to be using. But all I knew is that we had to get off this island, or we’d never get home.

  “What action do you suggest then?” Eurylochus said.

  Odysseus crossed his arms over his barrel chest. “I’ll pray to Zeus. Ask him to stop this storm.” And without another word, he walked away, leaving me and Dory with Eurylochus. The guy made my skin crawl. And I knew he suspected what was up with Dory.

  “Come on,” I said, grabbing Dory’s arm. “There must be some fruit left we can pick up.”

  I didn’t want to go scavenging for mush fruit, but I did want to get away from Eurylochus.

  “Don’t wander too far,” Eurylochus said. “It’s dangerous out there.”

  “It’s the island of Helios,” I said. “The sun god. He keeps cattle here. It’s not dangerous.”

  A small smile formed on Eurylochus’ face. “Danger can come from anywhere.”

  Or anyone, I thought.

  I dragged Dory back to the trees. “Are you insane? Are you trying to get killed?”

  “I hate that guy,” she said.

  I shook my head. “That’s not the point. You can’t let your guard down now. Not when we’re this close to getting home.”

  Dory bit her lip and looked to the ground.

  “What?” I said.

  She shook her head. “Nothing.”

  “Tell me,” I said.

  “I said it’s nothing.” But then she swiped at her face. It left a streak that had nothing to do with the offshore storm.

  Oh crap. Dory was crying. I was completely not equipped to handle this. Sure, Mom cried from time to time, but she always thought I wasn’t watching, and I always pretended I wasn’t. I think she missed Dad. A lot. But here, now, with Dory … I couldn’t pretend I didn’t see.

  My empty stomach knotted. “What’s wrong, Dory?”

  She wiped another tear but didn’t say anything.

  “Tell me,” I said.

  Dory took a huge breath. “Homer, I don’t want to go home.”

  I let out something like a nervous laugh that sounded more like a wimpy little cough.

  “I’m serious, Homer. I don’t want to get back.”

  “I know,” I said. “We’ve talked about that.”

  But she shook her head. “There’s more.”

  “What more?”

  “I’ve been working against us,” she said. “Doing little things to delay our journey.”

  “You have not,” I said. “That whole girl-on-a-ship-brings-bad-luck thing is a total wives’ tale.”

  “Not that,” Dory said. “I’m the one who cut the holes in the sail.”

  “That was the wind,” I said.

  Dory shook her head. “It wasn’t the wind.”

  My eyes widened. “It was you?”

  She nodded. “And I threw food overboard, making us have to stop at Circe’s island.”

  “You did not!”

  “I did,” Dory said. “And … I let the wind out of the bag.”

  “No. Way.” I couldn’t believe it. Dory seemed so … innocent.

  “It’s why we’ve had such a horrible journey,” Dory said. “I don’t want to get home. I’m not going back to be a slave again.”

  “I’m not going to let you be a slave again. Remembe
r.”

  “Don’t you get it, Homer? I’ve always been a slave. I always will be. There’s nothing you can do about it. Not one thing.”

  “There is,” I said.

  “What?”

  I poured through my brain, really trying to come up with something. But no matter what I thought of, it came down to the fact that Mom and I were only one scroll away from being slaves ourselves.

  “I don’t know,” I said. “Maybe we can ask Odysseus to help. He’s a king. Maybe he can do something.”

  Dory shook her head. Her tears had stopped, though her face still looked really red and streaky. “Once we get to Ithaca, I’m staying. You can go back to Ionia without me.”

  “No,” I said.

  “Yes,” Dory said. “It’s the only solution.”

  It was completely not the only solution. But despite my best efforts, I couldn’t think of anything better. But still … the thought of leaving Dory behind, of never seeing her again … It left a horrible pit in my stomach that I was pretty sure would never go away.

  ODYSSEUS WENT OFF TO THE HILLS TO PRAY. OR maybe he was just sitting around doing nothing, because the storm continued on for hours. Days. The guys tried fishing, but with the waves crashing around nearly drowning them with every hit, they gave up pretty soon. So, they gobbled up what mush fruit they could, but the flies got to it also. And then they started catching flies. And that’s when the grumbling that was boiling just below the surface really took off.

  “You know why there are flies on this island?” Skinner said.

  “Because it’s stinky,” Pork answered.

  It was stinky, that was for sure. No one was going near the water to wash off, and since we couldn’t go near the cattle, we didn’t venture far from the beach.

  “It’s because of the cows,” Skinner said. “And if there are cows on this island, then why are we trying to eat flies?”

  “Because Odysseus told us not to eat the cows,” Pork said.

  “But think of the brisket. The steak. The bacon,” Skinner said.

  “Cows don’t make bacon,” Pork said.

  Even though we’d all nearly been turned into pigs, my stomach still rumbled at the word “bacon.” What I wouldn’t give to be back in Ionia right now with Mom making me a plate of bacon and eggs.

  “They must have some kind of bacon,” Skinner said. “We should eat them to find out.”

  “We can’t eat the cows,” Pork said.

  “Have you seen them?” Eurylochus said, walking up right then. By now most of the guys were listening. Dory and I sat off to the side, me writing and her digging in the dirt for roots we could eat.

  “Seen who?” Skinner said.

  “The cattle,” Eurylochus said.

  Pork shook his head. “We can’t look at the cows. Remember?”

  After his unending questions on the matter, I was surprised that he remembered.

  Eurylochus smiled his weasel smile. “There is no harm that can come from gazing upon the cattle. The only reason Odysseus told us not to was so he could keep them all for himself.”

  “He did?” Skinner said.

  “No way,” Pork said.

  “That’s not true,” Dory said, speaking up, even though I wished she would keep her mouth shut. “You aren’t supposed to go near them or else Helios will get angry.”

  “They are gold like the sun,” Eurylochus said, ignoring Dory’s words. “They shine with an internal brightness, and they are three time the size of a normal cow. Juicy and plump. And there are so many of them.”

  The guys’ mouths hung open, and half of them were drooling.

  Fine, I was drooling, too.

  “It couldn’t hurt to just look at them,” Skinner said.

  “Just look,” Pork said.

  And that’s all it took. Dory tried to tell everyone to stop, but there was no reasoning with forty hungry stomachs. So Eurylochus led them through the trees. Dory and I trailed behind with Polites.

  “This is not a good idea, Homer,” she said. “This is so not a good idea.”

  “They’re just going to look at the cattle,” I said.

  “They’re not,” Polites said. “When they see the cattle, they won’t be able to resist.”

  “It would be a nice time for Odysseus to get back,” I said. He’d been gone for days now. What did he expect? Of course, the guys were going to get hungry. Even I wanted to eat the cattle.

  “Can you go find him?” Dory asked Polites.

  But I wasn’t sure that was such a great idea. “You should stay here,” I said. “Make sure the guys don’t touch the cows. I’ll go find Odysseus.”

  We went back and forth on it a few times, and then it was too late because from up ahead of us, the guys let out a huge roar. We ran as fast as we could to catch up, but it wasn’t fast enough.

  They’d pushed through the wooden fence holding in the cattle, and they ran forward, knives drawn. Before the sound of Polites’ shouts could even reach them, five of the cows were down. And then it was too late.

  Dory sank to the ground, against a tree. “This is horrible. Awful. Terrible. We are so doomed.”

  But there was no doing anything about it now. The men dragged the cows back to the beach and made a fire, and I guess it was the smell of the burning meat that drew Odysseus back because he came running from the hills, waving his arms.

  “Stop!” he shouted, but the damage was done.

  The sun blasted and blared through the sky, heating up with each second that passed. The clouds swirled around it, creating a tunnel of light directed right at the guys on the beach.

  “What part of ‘don’t eat the cattle’ did you not understand?” Odysseus said. He paced back and forth on the beach. And at his words, and the realization that the guys were now being burned alive by the sun, the meat dropped from their hands.

  “I tried to stop them,” Eurylochus said.

  “You liar!” Dory screamed. “You egged them on. This is all your fault.”

  “This is all your fault,” Eurylochus sneered back at Dory, and I knew in that instant that he knew about Dory being a girl. He’d throw her overboard as soon as we were back in the ship.

  “We need to leave,” Odysseus said.

  “But the storm,” Polites said.

  “Can’t be helped,” Odysseus said. And so we dragged ourselves down the dock, grasping onto the wood to keep from being swept over, until we got to the ship.

  The sun stalked us to the edge of the dock, but once we got aboard, it slipped back behind the clouds, as if to mock us into thinking we were safe. And then, in further mockery, no sooner had we pulled away from the dock, the raging storm ended, bringing a quiet calm that unsettled me. A calm that forebode horror to come.

  We all wanted to believe in the calm, so once we were far enough away from the island that we could hardly see the sun shining overhead, we breathed again.

  That’s when Eurylochus cornered Dory.

  SPIN ME RIGHT ROUND

  DORY WAS IN THE GALLEY, COMING UP WITH ANYTHING that might help us eat. I sat in my normal place, on the bench in the corner, writing down everything that had gone on.

  “Make sure you get all the dialogue right,” Dory said. “Dialogue is really important.”

  “I’m getting it as right as I can,” I said. “But I have to translate it into Dactylic Hexameter. That’s not as easy as it sounds.”

  Okay, this was kind of a lie. Dactylic Hexameter was getting easier with every line I wrote. I’d gotten to the point where I used it in everyday conversation, because it was fun.

  Eurylochus poked his slimy head into the galley. “Odysseus needs you up on deck,” he said.

  I stood up. Odysseus probably wanted to make sure I was shining the best light on him after the cattle incident. And I’ll admit. This time, with the cows … it was totally not his fault.

  “Not you, Bard,” Eurylochus said. “He wants the cook.”

  Dory looked up from the floury mess in front
of her. I guess she was making hardtack or something equally unsavory.

  “Why?” I asked, even as she dusted off her hands on her ripped and faded pants. Something about the request didn’t settle right. Why would Odysseus send Eurylochus, of all people, to get Dory? As far as I could tell Odysseus and Eurylochus were minutes away from an epic duel that only one of them would sail away from.

  “None of your business, Bard,” Eurylochus said.

  “Actually, everything that happens on this ship is my business,” I said. “It’s why I’m here.”

  “Not this,” Eurylochus said. “Just the cook.”

  So, Dory followed him out of the galley, but there was no way I was going to just sit there. I crept after them, up the narrow ladder that led to the side of the ship. When I peeked my head around the corner to where they stood, my heart stopped in my chest.

  “You are the entire reason we aren’t home yet,” Eurylochus said.

  Dory rolled her eyes. “That’s ridiculous.”

  “It’s not,” Eurylochus said. “You’ve brought bad luck to us. You. It’s all been you.”

  He knew.

  Dory knew he knew because her eyes widened.

  I stumbled forward, trying to reach them before he did something, but my shirt caught on a splinter. I yanked at it, to get it free, but as I did, Eurylochus grabbed Dory by the arm and started dragging her toward the railing.

  “Stop!” I screamed, and I yanked at my shirt, ripping a huge part of it off.

  “I’ll throw you over, too,” Eurylochus said. “You knew she was a girl. You’ve brought the bad luck to us, too.”

  There was no way he was throwing either of us over. I lunged for Dory and managed to grab her leg, dropping her to the ground. Eurylochus lost his grip but reached out again. I rolled us both out of the way.

  He stepped forward. And he pulled his sword out. This was it. We were both dead. I tensed every muscle in my body and waited for the feeling of steel ripping through me.