Kenny's Coming Home

by Ned Manning

  MUM: Holden?

  KIM: No way, Saab. Totally computerised.

  MUM: What’s he do?

  KIM: Lawyer. Suing Greenpeace. Any more beer?

  A.D. bowls in. She carries an armload of wine bottles.

  A.D.: Look at this. Chardonnay! Strike me dead, what’s the world coming to?

  KIM: Mum! Any more beer? Dad told me to hurry.

  A.D.: Only light, of course!

  MUM: What’s your lawyer drink?

  KIM: Perrier, what ya reckon?

  MUM: How sensible.

  KENNY re-enters.

  KENNY: What’s W.A. Inc.?

  MUM: In the fridge.

  A.D.: I need a real drink.

  KIM: Oh no, don’t, A.D. Think of your followers.

  MUM: Kim! In the fridge, there’s some gherkin paté, that should keep them quiet for a while.

  KIM: Okay, Mum.

  A.D.: And the beer.

  KIM: Perrier!

  A.D.: Soda’s good enough for the likes of him.

  KIM rushes outside. KENNY observes the party.

  KENNY: This’s out of it, Ma. How can you put up with it? I can’t work out where these dudes are coming from.

  MUM: Pardon?

  KENNY: How come the Left supported Hawke?

  A.D.: Ancient history.

  KENNY: Yeah, but … he was their sworn enemy, ever since uranium mining was an issue.

  MUM: Didn’t do him much good in the long run, did it?

  KENNY: They dumped him …

  A.D.: Kenny! The cobwebs are beginning to clear.

  MUM: He’s not coming back to us, is he, Dot?

  KENNY: How can Labor voters support media monopolies?

  A.D.: It’s called expediency.

  KENNY: And, and Hawke retiring from parliament on TV …

  MUM: That’s called repaying your debts.

  A.D.: I’d have called it tacky.

  KENNY: And Whitlam teams with Fraser? Something very weird is going down here.

  MUM: God, Dot, I can see the wheels starting to turn. He’s not brain dead, after all.

  KENNY: Economic rationalism? What happened to idealism?

  A.D.: Dirty word.

  KENNY: It’s got me stuffed, I tell ya. Who represents the battlers if we’ve joined the—?

  MUM: We’ve?!

  KENNY: I mean, they’ve—

  MUM: Careful, darling, you’re starting to sound like you’ve got a modicum of intelligence.

  KENNY: Hey, cool it, Ma. Just an observation, doesn’t mean I’m gonna get sucked back into this, this materialistic nonsense. No way, I mean, if ever I needed reinforcement, well, this is it. It’s the personal journey that really matters.

  DAD appears around the corner (or through the window).

  DAD: Kim, Kenny, come on, hurry up, there’s some people I want you to meet. You’re in big demand, you know.

  KENNY: Okay, Pa.

  DAD: Quick sticks.

  KENNY obeys as DAD goes.

  SONG: ‘TOE THE PARTY LINE’

  A.D.: Well you know I worry about that brother of mine

  Take a look at him now, he’s drinking summer wine

  Greasing up to the posers

  Let’s get to the club before it closes

  MUM: I don’t know why I agreed to this

  Who are these fools he’s out to impress?

  He promised me there’d be dancing

  He’s like a boil that needs lancing

  MUM / A.D.: [chorus] So let’s drink another wine

  And toe the party line

  ’N’ get plastered … blastered

  So let’s drink another wine

  And toe the party line

  ’N’ get plastered … blastered

  A.D.: Why can’t we leave the bastards here to discuss politics?

  Take a trip to the club and have a few nips

  A gay old time on the pokies

  It’s gotta be a better way to go

  MUM / A.D.: [chorus] So let’s drink another wine

  And toe the party line

  ’N’ get plastered … blastered

  So let’s drink another wine

  And toe the party line

  ’N’ get plastered … blastered

  A.D.: Pardon me sir, a dry white wine for you sir?

  MUM: A nightmare in your home, they’re all just clones

  MUM / A.D.: [chorus] So let’s drink another wine

  And toe the party line

  ’N’ get plastered … blastered

  So let’s drink another wine

  And toe the party line

  ’N’ get plastered … blastered

  So let’s drink another wine

  And toe the party line

  ’N’ get plastered … blastered.

  As the song ends, KIM enters to address the audience.

  KIM: I got really pissed off. I mean, after a while all this election stuff was getting out of control. The family was going completely over the top about it.

  It was good to have Kenny home again. We were getting on really well. Yeah, well, he did lend me a few bucks, so I had to be nice to him.

  It was unreal though, the place was like a mad house with all the comings and goings and the plotting. Secret phone calls, in the dark, clandestine meetings everywhere, pretty cool word, heh, clandestine. It was wild.

  One thing, though, I decided to work really hard at school. I knew, then and there, I had to get out of the place the minute I finished Year Twelve. I had to get out into the world and make my mark, but I reckon if you’re gonna beat men at their own game, you’re gonna need some pretty good ammunition. I mean, check out Mum, and A.D. for that matter. They really impressed me the way they stood up to Dad. Eh, sisters!

  No man’s gonna walk over this lady. No way. That’s what appeals to me about politics. Power. I’d love to have a guy running around, doing my typing and stuff. It wouldn’t be Spud though, he can’t spell.

  SCENE TWELVE

  The big meeting. DAD and A.D. are to give their campaign speeches to the local branch members. KENNY strides to the lectern. He has cleaned up, but the beard is still there, his hair trendily tied in a ponytail.

  KENNY: Thank you, Rod. You know, I played juniors with Simon Cuttlefish. Not a bad player, till he signed with Manly, that is!

  Laughter.

  Anyway, a stimulating address, one which will give us all plenty to think about. It now gives me tremendous pleasure to introduce a man who really needs no introduction, my father, Mr Arthur Green.

  Applause.

  DAD: Brothers and sisters, this is a moment I have long dreamt of, the moment I address my local branch, seeking your support to contest an election representing this great party. Imagine, then, the pride I feel having my son, Kenny Green, introduce me. Thank you, Kenny.

  Brothers and sisters, this is a time when we must all make genuine sacrifices to serve our fellow man. We live in a world of turmoil. In an age of uncertainty. Those things we once held as solid and secure are now at risk. We have to make critical choices. We are not simply choosing between Rodney and I, or Danny Maloney and I, or even my sister and I. Oh, no. The ramifications are far wider, the winner of this ballot must take to Canberra a commitment and dedication which will test even the strongest of souls.

  Whoever this meeting chooses will be going to Canberra to serve the Australian Labor Party. To represent the men and women of the Australian Labor Party, and ipso facto, the whole of Australia.

  This is an historic Labor government, one which has survived. One which has learnt to grow and adapt. To adapt to the needs of the electorate. A united Labor Party.

  Now, I agree with Rod that we need reform, but I caution, hasten slowly. There is a time for idealism, but it isn’t now. This is time for consolidation. Social reform cannot be allowed to obstruct economic reform, for without economic reform, there can be no social reform.

  This is a time to get the house in order, to keep the ship on an even keel
, the playing field level, and the goalposts in the one spot.

  Our party is one with traditional values. We are all members of a large, extended family, and the family is the key to a progressive, stable and harmonious society. I believe we must be sympathetic to those who, for whatever reason, lose the way. We must be forgiving.

  You all know my sister is also standing for preselection. And why shouldn’t she? This is a democracy, and I welcome anyone who wishes to throw their hat into the ring, as long as their determination is to serve, soberly.

  But, dear friends, keep it in the family. That’s the key to our success as a party. The family is the core, remove the core, and you have no heart.

  It’s all very well to argue for reforms, Danny. All of them are worthwhile, but we must be able to pay for them. To do this, we must win and maintain the support of the business community. Without their support, there can be no economic recovery, and without that, we’re all gone.

  Now, I believe, um, I believe …

  He fumbles through his notes.

  Yes, ah … people are more important than trees. They are more important than rocks and dirt. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a great nature lover, but I put people first. My priority is to improve the lot of all the people and to serve this electorate.

  Now, I will prove myself to be a reliable, dedicated Member. One who will keep the Australian Labor Party in government. In Canberra. In control. In power.

  Thank you, all. Thank you, Kenny, for coming all the way from Adelaide to introduce your dad, and God bless Australia.

  Applause. KENNY stands and joins DAD, shaking his hand. DAD goes to leave the podium, when he realises that KENNY is about to speak.

  KENNY: Thank you to Mr Arthur Green.

  DAD waits, smiling expectantly.

  As you all know, there are two members from the Green family contesting this ballot. I felt that if I was to introduce my father, then it would only be fair that I should also introduce my aunt.

  This is not what DAD expected. He tries to intervene, but realises that this would be politically embarrassing. He leaves the podium with as much dignity as he can manage, which isn’t much.

  And so it is with much pleasure that I introduce a lady who refuses to lie down, my Aunt Dorothy.

  Applause and some laughter.

  A.D.: I started out in this campaign really as a bit of a joke. To get up the nose of another candidate, if you know what I mean. Well, bugger it. It isn’t a joke anymore. I’m sick to death of the way this party’s going. What these people are doing is taking the Labor out of the Labor Party. You all know that, and I am certain of it. I got a phone call the other night asking me to withdraw. You know where it came from? The Federal bloody Executive, and you don’t have to be Einstein to work out which powerbroker initiated it. I told him to get stuffed. He made a few threats, and I laughed at him.

  You see, you can’t buy what I stand for. I stand for the Australian Labor People, and the movement that grew out of the oppression of the working man and woman. I care about the future. I care for more than economics; I think there is more to life than economic rationalism. I think there is a lot wrong with this country, and by ignoring the poor, the sick, and the needy, we are creating an underclass that will never get a fair go. I know what you’ll say, you’ll say I’m bloody naive. Well, I won’t be changing me mind on the strength of an opinion poll. Now, I’ve cut out the grog and I won’t be dining out with the Double Bay set. No way.

  You know what I’d like to see? I’d like to see someone relight the Light on the Hill. I’d like us to have a bloody go for the sake of all Australians, not just the rich and powerful. Vote for me, and you’ll get no bullshit and plenty of hard work.

  SONG: ‘ODE TO THE PARTY’

  A.D.: I joined the Labor Party in nineteen forty-three

  I knew what I was fighting for, things I wanted to see

  A fair deal, a just deal, for those like you and me

  To stand up for our rights and our identity

  A.D. / MUM / KIM: [chorus]

  So brothers and sisters, join in the fight

  So long as there’s injustice, we will have the right

  To march, to shout, to let our grievance ring

  If we all believe the world is for saving

  A.D.: The party’s been alive now since eighteen ninety-one

  Would the founding fathers be pleased with what we’ve done?

  We’ve battles won, we’ve battles lost, we’ve battles just begun

  So long as we’re united, the battles can be won

  A.D. / MUM / KIM: [chorus]

  So brothers and sisters, join in the fight

  So long as there’s injustice, we will have the right

  To march, to shout, to let our grievance ring

  If we all believe the world is for saving

  So brothers and sisters, join in the fight

  So long as there’s injustice, we will have the right

  To march, to shout, to let our grievance ring

  If we all believe the world is for saving.

  SCENE THIRTEEN

  MUM, KENNY and KIM sit in front of the TV.

  KENNY: Don’t know how you can watch this stuff.

  KIM: Well, you either drink, smoke, or watch TV. All mind-altering substances.

  KENNY: Mind-numbing, you mean.

  MUM: Quiet! I’m trying to hear.

  KIM: Alright, Mum. No need to be so touchy.

  MUM: Just be quiet!

  Silence.

  DAD enters, he has been gardening.

  DAD: Absolute disgrace that garden, absolute disgrace.

  MUM: I’ve never seen it look worse.

  DAD: Overgrown with weeds, hardly a zucchini left, whole thing’s a bloody disaster. I’ll need to completely dig it up and start again. Someone’s even backed over the silverbeet! If you can’t grow silverbeet, you can’t grow anything!

  KENNY: ’Fraid that was me, Pa.

  DAD: Wouldn’t surprise me.

  KENNY turns off the TV.

  MUM: What on earth are you doing? I’m watching ‘Spin for Your Luck’.

  KIM: Come off it, Mum, you hate that show.

  MUM: I don’t, I just hate the compere.

  KENNY: Look, I know you’re shitty with me.

  DAD: Why? Why would I be shitty, just because you betrayed me?

  MUM: Don’t be so melodramatic, Arthur.

  DAD: Well, he did. How was I to know he was going to introduce her too? Made me look like a complete idiot.

  KIM: At least he washed his hair.

  KENNY: I’m sorry, Pa, but I couldn’t do anything else. Anyway, I’m going to hit the frog.

  MUM: Frog?

  KENNY: Frog.

  KIM: Frog and toad. Road.

  MUM: So soon?

  KENNY: Yeah, reckon I’ve wreaked enough havoc around here. Time to burn up the bitumen.

  MUM: ‘Burn up the bitumen’, oh really?

  DAD: So, you’re just going to ride around the place, wasting your life?

  KENNY: I wouldn’t say wasting.

  KIM: Just being hip, eh?

  KENNY: That’s where I want to be right now. Hey, why don’t you come with me?

  KIM: No way, José. I have no desire to drop out of this game. In fact, watching that Denise operate, I’ve decided to slog my guts out so I can do a uni degree and get a job with the party.

  DAD: What’s Denise got to do with it?

  KIM: Power over men.

  MUM: What, no more Spud and Dingo?

  KIM: No time. Upwardly mobile chick, that’s me.

  KENNY: Very groovy!

  KIM: Oh, and I’m on to you too, brother dear!

  KENNY: Eh?

  KIM: You haven’t dropped out at all, have you?

  KENNY: I haven’t necessarily ‘dropped out’, but I’m certainly into ‘alternate lifestyles’.

  KIM: Oh, yeah? What about ‘The Big Wombat’?

  KENNY: How’d you—?

  MU
M: Big Wombat? What’s that?

  KIM: It’s a motel in Alice Springs. In the shape of a wombat.

  MUM: A wombat?

  KIM: Yeah, can you believe it? Tacky, or what?

  DAD: So?

  KIM: Jack Kerouac here designed it.

  DAD: Kenny?

  KIM: Uh huh.

  DAD: You mean to say you haven’t completely given up on architecture?

  KENNY: Well, you know, from time to time, Pa, a man’s gotta eat.

  KIM: You’re just like everyone else, absolutely full of shit.

  MUM: Kim!

  KIM: Well, just because Irene gave him the flick doesn’t mean he has to throw in the towel completely. The superstar’s so used to winning that once he drops a game he tosses it all in.

  MUM: Don’t be too harsh, darling. Marriage break-ups sometimes have a strange effect on people, be a bit sensitive.

  KENNY: Yeah.

  DAD: Yeah.

  KIM: Okay, look boys, I’m sorry.

  KENNY: It’s cool. I can handle it.

  A.D. rushes in.

  A.D.: Anyone ring for me?

  DAD: No. If they did, I would have told them you were out.

  MUM: Kenny’s heading off.

  A.D.: Oh, is he?

  KENNY: Yeah, Hunter S. Thompson awaits, A.D.

  A.D.: You can’t run away like that.

  KENNY: Who’s running away?

  DAD: You are.

  A.D.: No he’s not.

  KENNY: Eh?

  A.D.: You’re going nowhere, my boy.

  KENNY: Take it easy, A.D.

  A.D.: Take it easy?! I’ve been running around like a chook with me head cut off, and he tells me to ‘Take it easy’!

  MUM: What’s up, Dot?

  A.D.: They’ve discovered an irregularity in the voting.

  ALL: What?

  A.D.: A whole batch of voters hadn’t signed on, their names didn’t show in the records as having attended enough meetings to qualify.

  MUM: Oh, Lord, no! Don’t tell me we’ll have to go through this all again?

  A.D.: In a sense, yes, we will, I hope.

  DAD: Well, you can count me out. I couldn’t stand the embarrassment.

  KIM: So, what’s the story?

  A.D.: Mr Cuttlefish will have to stand down. They’ll be calling for the nominations again.

  KIM: If Dad’s going to pull out, you might get up this time, A.D.

  A.D.: Not on your nelly.