The Loss Between Us

by Brooke McBride

  “The other best friend,” Nash responds. Hearing him tell Olivia that he’s my best friend does something unexpected to my stomach. Tack it on with the other emotions I’m feeling today. I feel a light twinge of guilt eavesdropping, but Olivia will tell me about it later anyway.

  “Ah, you must be Nash,” she says. I hear her luggage rolling closer to the house. I can’t help but climb over the bed frame and peek out the window.

  “And you must be Olivia.” Nash extends his hand toward her. “Nice to meet you.”

  “You too.”

  “Sorry...Jen didn’t tell me you were coming.”

  “Jen? Hmmm…interesting. Anyway, she doesn’t know.”

  “No?”

  “Nope. She’s so stubborn that she would have just argued with me and insisted I stay home. So, I basically saved us an argument.” She’s right, on both accounts.

  “I see. I was sitting here debating on how I was going to get her to let me in. I figured even if she did come to the door, she would tell me she was fine and make me leave.”

  “Sounds like you know her well.”

  He sticks his hands in his pockets and nods while leaning back on his heels.

  “Well, she can’t tell me to bug off. I don’t have anywhere to stay. So, let’s go, shall we?” She begins to walk toward the house before Nash stops her.

  “Here, let me help with you that.” He grabs Olivia’s luggage and lets her pass in front of him before starting toward the front door.

  “Well, well…I guess you’re living up to that reputation.”

  He stops and asks, “What reputation would that be?”

  “Oh nothing, Parker just told me you were a gentleman. That’s all.”

  “Parker?”

  “Yeah, her maiden name. I’ve called her Parker since we were seven years old. No one has ever called her Jen before.” But I don’t get to hear his response since Olivia is banging on the door. She then says, “Here we go.”

  Even though I’m excited to see them, realizing why they’re here makes me feel sick to my stomach. I had planned to spend the day trying not to dwell on what we were doing a year ago. But, I wanted to do it alone. Or at least I thought I did. Now that they’re both here, I feel somewhat relieved. I won’t face the day by myself.

  Olivia bangs on the door again, and I sigh. I have to get up. I have to let them in. And I have to continue to breathe and survive this day. I just don’t know how to do that. But if anyone can help me through it, it’s Olivia and Nash.

  I get up and walk to the bathroom. My eyes are puffy and red. As usual, my hair is a disaster. At least it all matches the dark circles under my eyes. I look ten years older. But I don’t have time to dwell on that realization. I hear more pounding. They’re getting impatient.

  I glance at my pajamas. I have on an old shirt of Jeff’s, his favorite, and a pair of black yoga pants that are a little loose on me. This is as good as it gets today, and I can’t stall anymore. I shut off the light, take a deep breath, and head down the stairs. Halfway down, I see Olivia’s face pressed to the glass with her hand over her forehead. Her face lights up, and then as I get closer, her smile fades.

  By the time I open the door, she recovers and hides it well. “Hey, gorgeous.” She steps forward and leans into me for a hug.

  “Very funny.” I say. I look over Olivia’s shoulder and give Nash a small smile. He smiles back. I pull out of Olivia’s arms. The tears are already starting to flow, and I need a few moments to gather myself. I move back toward the dining room, knowing Olivia will make herself at home.

  Behind me, she says, “I guess that’s our cue.”

  This is the most company I’ve had in over a year, and of course the house is not clean. Or at least not my definition of clean. Cleaning has lost the ability to calm me or take away my thoughts this week, so I finally gave up. I’ve focused so much on this day, it was like I wanted to be enveloped by chaos so that my surroundings would match what was going on in my head and my heart. I sit down and bring my foot up to the seat and clutch it to my body.

  “Well, it looks like you’ve got all your best friends here.” Olivia starts looking at the bottles on the dining room table. “Jack, José, Jim…little early isn’t it?”

  “It’s a little late since I started about twelve hours ago.”

  “You’ve been drinking since last night?” Nash asks.

  “Yep.” I rest my cheek on my knee. “Seemed like a good idea.”

  “Well, I agree. Let me catch up.” Olivia walks into the kitchen and grabs a glass out of the cabinet. “Care to join us, Nash?”

  “I actually…um, I had something else in mind.”

  He made plans for today? I thought he knew me a little better than that. I have no intention of doing anything, except finding the nerve and strength to finally visit Jeff’s grave. I haven’t seen it since I missed his funeral. I’ve avoided it, not confident I could handle it. But I owe him, them, that much.

  Olivia sits down at the table and pours herself a shot. “Oh yeah, what’s that?” She leans her head back and downs her shot.

  “I thought we might go hiking, get you out of the house and get some fresh air?” He’s looking at me, talking to me, and barely acknowledging Liv. He’s focused on me, but he’s restless and moving back and forth on both feet.

  “Hiking, huh?” Olivia looks between us. “You guys still doing that?” She downs another shot. Her eyes rest on me, looking for an answer.

  My eyes drift between her and Nash. “Yeah, it’s kind of our thing. It relaxes me.”

  Olivia takes a different bottle and pours herself another shot. “Okay, I can hike.”

  I can’t help but laugh. “You? Hike?”

  “Sure, why not? But we need to take this with us.” She grabs the bottle of José.

  Olivia has no idea what she’s in for. Nash either, for that matter. Taking Olivia hiking is like taking a pig to Rodeo Drive. But now that Nash has mentioned it, it sounds like something I should do today. I don’t want to sit in this shrine to my former life and make wishes about things that I can’t change.

  “How about we hike first, then drink? There are some pretty steep cliffs where we hike, and I don’t want anyone getting hurt.” He’s going to regret that. If anyone is going to need a drink, it’s Nash. I’ve learned to tolerate Olivia and her quirks over the past twenty years because I love her. But most people can only take her ruthless honesty in small doses.

  “You’re right, Parker. He is the overprotective type.”

  I dart my eyes to Olivia as my adrenaline spikes. I’m going to kill her. Now he’s going to know that I’ve been talking about him. I don’t want him getting the wrong idea. And I know Olivia. She’ll do anything, say anything to get my focus off my dead husband. Dead. Even saying that word in my head causes my chest to clench in pain. You would think after a year of Jeff being gone, something would be familiar about the fact that he is no longer here. But it’s not. I still reach for the phone sometimes, wanting to talk to him. I still hear his voice and his laugh.

  “Jen?”

  Nash snaps me out of widow-land, and I come back to both staring at me. “What?”

  “Your boy here wants to take us hiking, so let’s go.”

  Yep. I’m going to kill her.

  I give Olivia a death glare. “I’ll go hiking. But I need to make a stop first.” I made myself a promise that no matter what happened today, no matter how hard it was, I would go to the cemetery. And if I can’t do it with my two best friends by my side, I’ll never be able to do it.

  “Whatever you need,” Nash says.

  I push back from the table and walk over to Olivia. She already knows what I want, what I need, to get that little bit of courage to take the next step. She pours me a shot, and I tip it up to my lips and try not to smell it. I down it and feel the tingle and burn, hoping to take the focus off the pain inside of me. But it only works for a split second before the ache in my heart returns.

  O
livia takes the glass from me, and I glance down at my clothes. “I guess I should change. And Liv, you can’t wear that. Come upstairs and I’ll get you something to put on and some better shoes.”

  We walk past Nash and head upstairs. As she closes the door to the bedroom, I walk into the closet to find something for her to wear. I’m digging through a drawer looking for a pair of old yoga pants when I notice she’s quiet. I look at her, and she’s smiling like the Cheshire Cat.

  “What?”

  “You didn’t tell me he was gorgeous.”

  “Who?”

  “Come on Parker, don’t play coy with me. Nash. My God! And it’s not just his face, but that body. What does he do for a living? Stripper?” She’s trying to get me to smile, but I’m not in the mood.

  “Liv, don’t. Here, wear these.” I throw a pair of pants at her and start looking for a shirt.

  “Parker, sweetie. I know you’re a widow and all, but your ovaries still work, which means you still have hormones, which means there is no way you’re going to stand there and tell me that you’ve never noticed how fine that man is?”

  I turn my back to her because I don’t want her to see my face flush. “I don’t look at him that way.” She laughs but doesn’t say anything else. I continue to dig through a drawer to find a shirt that will cover her boobs. Olivia and I are stacked a little differently. Something loose on me would show the goods on her, and I don’t want Nash to see her like that. I freeze.

  I don’t want to care if Nash finds her attractive, but I do, way more than I should. Every guy I was interested in growing up, Olivia got them. That’s just the way it worked. Not only is she gorgeous, but she puts herself out there and oozes so much confidence that guys can’t help but trip all over themselves to get to her. It’s been like that since we were kids.

  Except with Jeff. Jeff was the first guy who stared at me and my body when Olivia and I were together. The first time all three of us hung out may have been the night I fell in love with him. It’s as if I was waiting to put Olivia in the same room with him to see how he responded.

  I then remember why Olivia is in my closet in the first place. Jeff, my dead husband. It’s been a year. A whole year of him not being in my life.

  “Earth to Parker? What is with you drifting off?”

  I don’t know where it comes from, but I take a shirt and whip it right at Olivia’s face. She didn’t see it coming, so it hits her directly in the eye, “Ow! What the hell?”

  I storm into the bathroom and slam the door. I grab my hair and pull. I watch my chest rise and fall rapidly and hear my breathing. I take a deep breath and hold it before releasing it and then do it again.

  I do this for several moments as I hear Olivia outside the door. “I never promised to not be an asshole.” I shake my head. Olivia never apologizes for who she is. Take her or leave her. She taps on the door. “Come on Parker, open up.”

  I hesitate before opening the door, but it doesn’t matter because she lets herself in and slides down on the floor opposite me. “What’s going on with you?”

  I glare at her in the mirror. “What kind of question is that?”

  “I guess I should have listened to your mom after all.”

  I spin to face her. “What are you talking about? When did you talk to my mom?”

  “Right before the intervention. She told me things were bad with you, but I guess I didn’t believe her. I’ve been around your mom enough to know she’s a worrier. I thought she was just blowing things out of proportion. But now…seeing you today…I realize I should have come sooner.”

  “What did you expect me to look like?”

  “Not this. I knew you were in bad shape. Who wouldn’t be after everything you’ve gone through? But…I wasn’t expecting this.”

  “What? To have puffy eyes and be in pajamas? I’m sorry I’m not living up to your expectations. I don’t know how I’m supposed to act. My widow handbook must be lost in the mail.”

  “It’s not only how you’re acting…I just didn’t expect you to look like this.”

  I glance down at my pajamas and grab the hem of my shirt moving it away from my body. What’s she talking about? No holes or stains.

  “I’m not talking about your clothes. How much weight have you lost?”

  I take a deep breath, walk to her, and slide down next to her. “I don’t know. I didn’t notice until a few months ago that my clothes were falling off me. Trust me, it wasn’t intentional.” I start to laugh.

  “It’s not funny. It took everything in me not to gasp when I saw you.”

  “It’s a little funny considering I’ve been on a diet since I was in the sixth grade. Looks like I finally found one that took.” As soon as the words are out of my mouth I want to take them back. I squeeze my eyes shut, but a tear escapes anyway. Olivia puts her arm around my shoulder. I lean into her and clutch her shirt in my hand. How could I joke about this? About my husband’s death? On the first anniversary of his death?

  “Jeff would have laughed at that, ya know?”

  I pull away and wipe at the tears on my face. “Don’t!”

  “What? Talk about him or give you an excuse to cut yourself some slack?”

  “Both. I can’t believe I joked about that!”

  All of a sudden my hands are yanked away from my face. “I can’t believe you’re acting like this. Jeff is probably rolling over in his grave right now for the way you’re behaving.”

  “Screw you, Olivia!” I push off the floor and stomp toward the bedroom. I begin to pace like a caged animal. Olivia leans against the bathroom doorframe with her arms crossed and a blank look on her face.

  “Why did you come here if you were just going to make the day worse? I don’t need that, not today.” I want to get back downstairs since Nash is waiting for us. I don’t feel like having a heart to heart.

  “I didn’t come here to make your day worse. But I had no idea what the hell I was walking into. I didn’t know that you would look like a skeleton or act like a zombie. And I sure as hell didn’t know that you haven’t properly grieved for your husband and your child. I thought you were in therapy getting help. I thought you were going to support group. I thought you were befriending a man because you know you’re not the type of person to go through life alone. I didn’t realize that you had already given up. I wasn’t in support of that stupid intervention your family and friends did, but now I get it. My God, Parker!”

  “Don’t you dare bring that up. You know how pissed off I was at everyone for that. That was the last time I saw most of my friends. They betrayed me by telling me I needed to go back into that hospital. Back to therapy. They don’t understand. No one understands. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”

  She rushes toward me and grabs my shoulders. Her nails dig into my skin, and I want to scream but I don’t. “Fight, damn it! This isn’t who you are. They love you. They’re worried about you, and now I see why.”

  I shove past her. “This is who I am…now, without them. This is all I am.” I cross my arms and keep my back to her. I’m so angry I can’t look in her direction.

  “Is that what Nash would tell me?”

  I wheel around. “What?”

  Her voice is quieter, and I watch her try to calm her breathing. “What would Nash tell me about you?”

  “I don’t know. You would have to ask him. But I don’t care what he thinks of me. He’s free to leave anytime. I didn’t ask to be friends with him. He’s the one that latched on to me.”

  “And why do you think that is?”

  I throw my hands up in the air. “How the hell am I supposed to know? I don’t even know why he bothers to continue to come around or why he’s here today.”

  “Maybe because he sees something in you right now that you don’t see in yourself.”

  “What are you talking about? What does this have to do with anything?”

  “That’s for you to figure out, Parker. For some reason, your whole life you’ve thou
ght you were invisible to men, and you always hid behind me. Until Jeff came along. And now he’s gone, so there is nowhere for you to hide except behind yourself.”

  “I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. But I do know this isn’t the day for it. This day is about Jeff, and you’ve been here twenty minutes and have already made me forget that. Can you please be the best friend I need right now and support me through this?”

  “Fine. I get it, Parker. But just remember, I see you. Nash sees you, and even if you don’t want to see it for yourself, you can’t ignore it and you can’t hide forever. I came here to support you, I did. And I’m going to let you mourn Jeff. And I’m going to let you mourn your child. But if you think for one goddamn second I’m going to let you mourn them like this for the rest of your life, then you’re seriously mistaken!” She then storms out and slams the door behind her.

  Chapter 24

  I sit on the bed, my weight pulling me down. I lean back, fold my arms across my chest and stare at the ceiling. What the hell is she talking about? I don’t see why Nash is a factor in any discussion we’re having today. I hear them talking downstairs, but I can’t make out what they’re saying. I don’t trust Olivia right now. So I force myself off the bed and into the closet to change.

  I make my way downstairs and see that Nash is now sitting at the table. He stands as he sees me approach. “You okay?” he asks.

  I give him a tight smile and walk toward Olivia. She gives my shoulder a tight squeeze and then pours me another shot. “One for the road,” she says as she hands it to me.

  I take it from her, down it, and sit the glass on the table. “Just leave it. I’ll clean it up when we get back.”