The Road to You

by Melissa Toppen

  “What do you recommend?” I ask, trying to ignore the way that one innocent touch makes me feel, which is easier said than done.

  “Are you a fan of Thai food?” he asks, crossing into the kitchen to pull open a drawer, laughing when I curl my nose and shake my head.

  “Okay, no Thai food.” He pulls out a folder and sets it on the counter in front of him. “What about Chinese?” I shake my head again, joining him on the opposite side of the island that divides the kitchen from the dining room.

  “Here.” He opens the folder and slides it across the bar to me.

  It’s filled to the brim with every kind of menu you could possibly imagine and while everything sounds amazing, I’m not sure if I will actually be able to bring myself to eat or not. Even though I feel hungry, my stomach has been a knot of nervous energy since I woke this morning and very little, other than the short lived buzz of the whiskey, has been able to relax me.

  I pull out a few menus, looking at the different array of options laid out in front of me, deciding almost instantly that there’s no way I’m going to be able to make any kind of decision right now.

  “How about pizza?” I offer something familiar.

  You can never go wrong with pizza, right?

  “I’ve always heard how amazing Chicago deep dish pizza is. Might as well try it while I’m here,” I quickly add.

  “Sounds good to me.” He takes the folder back from me once I close and extend it to him. “I’m going to get this ordered, then run down the block and grab some drinks. What can I get for you? Soda? Water? Beer?”

  “I could drink a beer.” I chew nervously on my lower lip, wishing I could get my nerves to level out a bit. I feel so up and down and all over the place right now. It’s actually pretty mentally exhausting.

  “Beer it is. You’ll be okay for a few?” he asks, tucking the menu under his arm before sliding his cell phone into the back pocket of his jeans.

  “I think I’ll survive,” I tease. “I would actually really love to take a shower if that’s okay.”

  “Of course. Towels are in the closet in the hallway. It should be stocked with everything you’ll need.”

  “Okay, thank you.”

  “I’ll be back soon.”

  “Okay.” I offer a small wave before turning and quickly making my way down the hall toward the guest bedroom.

  ****

  By the time Kane returns I’m finished with my shower and curled up on his couch in my favorite plaid pajama shorts and faded Southern State t-shirt scrolling through Facebook on my phone. Truth be told I’m not big on social media but with nothing else to keep my mind occupied I’ve resorted to distracting myself with everyone else’s drama.

  “Hey.” Kane smiles as he deposits a couple bags on the island in front of him. “I forgot to ask what kind of beer you like. I hope Blue Moon is okay.”

  “Blue Moon is perfect.” I push the wet strands of blonde hair over my shoulders and reach out, taking the beer that Kane’s holding out to me.

  “Feeling better?” he asks, opening his own beer before taking a seat on the loveseat directly across from me.

  “Tons,” I admit, feeling like the shower was able to wash away a little of the fog that seems to have been settled over me for most of the day.

  I had to take a few minutes alone to remind myself that Kane is Kamden’s brother and while I may be out of my mind attracted to him, that’s not why I’m here. Of course that was way easier to convince myself of when he wasn’t sitting right in front of me wearing the insanely sexy smirk he’s currently throwing in my direction.

  “What?” I question, suddenly self-conscious under his gaze.

  “You just look really cute.” He tips his beer back and takes a long pull.

  “Cute?” I repeat, not sure how to take that statement.

  “It’s a compliment, El.” He chuckles.

  It’s not lost on me that this is the first time he’s called me El – what nearly everyone calls me. It makes me feel good that we’ve at least crossed into somewhat friendship territory. At least enough that he feels comfortable not using my full name.

  “I just, I’ve never seen you like this. Wet hair, pajamas, no make-up.”

  “You’ve seen me a lot worse,” I interject, slightly embarrassed when I think about how I broke down in front of him several times over the course of that first night we spent together. God I was such a hot mess then. Not that much has changed really. I’ve just gotten much better at pretending.

  Kane opens his mouth to say more but is silenced by a hard knock to the front door, followed by the ringing of his doorbell.

  “Coming,” he hollers, smiling at me as he climbs to his feet and quickly crosses toward the door.

  It’s less than a minute before he reappears, dropping a large pizza box, a couple plates, and some napkins on the glass coffee table in front of me.

  “Dinner is served,” he announces proudly, this time taking the seat next to me rather than across from me.

  We spend the next hour eating pizza – which is probably the best pizza I’ve ever eaten in my life, drinking beer, and watching Beat Bobby Flay on Food Network. I was surprised to learn that he actually loves cooking shows and taught himself how to cook when he was in college by watching shows like Iron Chef and Baking Championships.

  It’s strange how I feel so comfortable with Kane sometimes and other times I feel like I’ve touched a live wire and can’t seem to get my heart to beat in a normal rhythm again. And while I still feel the energy buzzing through me as we sit next to each other on the couch, it’s not as pronounced as it was earlier which I’m grateful for.

  I have to find a way to push past the way Kane makes me feel. I don’t know if it’s the obvious physical attraction or if it’s because he intimidates the hell out of me for some reason. But whatever it is I have to get over it. There’s no way I will last four weeks out of the country with this man when I can barely control myself in the same room with him for one evening.

  I have to remind myself that there was a time when I felt this way for Kamden too. Though things with Kam were so much different. I didn’t feel quite so overwhelmed by the way he made me feel nor was I as on edge as I am with Kane. But then again nothing about Kane feels comparable to my relationship with Kamden.

  Kam had a way of making me feel at ease, comfortable with who I was. Where Kane makes me feel squeamish and self-conscious. Kam would tease me constantly where Kane is much more serious. And while I sometimes see glimpses of Kamden in Kane, it’s clear that they are, or were, very different.

  I just wish I could separate the two somehow. Then again I’m not sure if I would be more or less comfortable around Kane if I could. Because, I don’t know what it is about Kane that has me so all over the place.

  Yes, he’s gorgeous. But he’s also not the first good looking guy I’ve been around so it can’t be that. Then again he’s probably the most attractive man I’ve ever seen so I guess that’s not really a fair comparison.

  I don’t know what, but there’s something there. Some invisible bond that I feel like tethers us together and to be honest, I’m terrified of what that might mean. Because I’m scared to get too close to Kane. Not only because I’m afraid to get too close to anyone after losing Kam but also because I don’t want to hurt Kane the way I’d hurt Kam.

  I decide to call it a night just after nine o’clock. The heavy pizza combined with three beers and not enough sleep has me feeling seconds away from dozing off while sitting up.

  Unfortunately I’m wide awake the second I slip under the expensive sheets and end up spending the next several minutes lying in bed looking at the ceiling wondering how the hell I actually ended up here.

  It still seems like a dream. All of this. Kam being gone, me being here with Kane. It all feels wrong and yet oddly right at the same time.

  Kane’s bedroom door closes about thirty minutes later, followed by the sound of his shower turning on. I close my eyes and imag
ine what his reaction would be if I snuck into his room and slid underneath the hot streaming water with him.

  Would he push me away and tell me to leave? Or worse… Would he pull me into his arms and beg me to stay?

  My eyes shoot open and I quickly shake off the thought. God, what is wrong with me? It’s not like I’m a prude or anything but thinking of Kam’s brother that way feels wrong on so many levels.

  Though it’s no wonder why my mind would go there considering how long it’s been since I’ve been with someone. Maybe that’s my problem. Maybe I just need to get laid as my friend, Abby had told me on the phone a couple days ago when I confided in her about how off kilter Kane makes me feel.

  I mean I’m twenty-two and my sexual experience is limited to Mike Webster, who I dated for three months my junior year of high school, and Jack Taylor, who I slept with after my mom died in an effort to make myself feel anything other than the soul crushing sadness I couldn’t shake.

  When I hear Kane’s mattress creak through the thin apartment walls my urge to go to him becomes almost overwhelming. It would be so easy to walk into his room, climb under the covers with him, and ask him to make me feel something again, but I know I can’t risk it.

  Kamden is gone and Kane is the only person in the world that makes me feel close to him. I can’t risk screwing this up because my libido has all of a sudden decided to work again.

  I don’t know how long it takes before I finally doze off but my sleep is choppy and restless once I do. A constant nagging feeling eats at the pit of my stomach all night.

  It’s just after six in the morning when I finally give up and crawl out of bed, throwing on the only hooded sweatshirt I brought with me before quietly padding through the apartment and out onto the balcony.

  I sit there for the next hour watching the sun rise, promising myself that I will let whatever this is go, all the while trying to convince myself why I should. The old Elara would go for what she wants and isn’t that why I’m here? To find her again.

  Then again the old Elara was secretly in love with her best friend and it took her nearly seven years to admit it to him, so maybe she didn’t really go for what she wanted after all. It’s strange how when it comes to something like bungee jumping I don’t blink an eye but then when it involves real feelings I run away like a terrified child.

  Maybe I should be less focused on finding the girl I used to be and more focused on discovering the girl I am now. No one goes through what I’ve been through and comes out the same person on the other side. I think it’s time to accept that the old me is gone. She died that day with Kamden. Unfortunately for me, I don’t have any real clue who took her place.

  Two years ago

  “Damn it, El. If you don’t hold your pretty ass still I’m going to come over there and sit on top of you,” Kam warns, holding his camera up to his face as he looks through the view finder and snaps another picture.

  “I’m sorry but this hurts.” I cover my face with my hands as the tattoo gun continues to prick the flesh directly above my right hip bone. “I don’t understand why you have to take pictures now. Can’t you wait until it’s done?”

  “This is your first tattoo, butter bean. I need to capture the moment.” He moves the camera away and hits me with a wide smile.

  “I’m pretty certain I won’t need a picture to remember this.” I look down at the burly man covered head to toe in tattoos, better known as Tulk, as he moves the ink gun back and forth, his hand dangerously close to touching my naughty bits.

  “You say that now, but twenty years from now you’ll be glad I took pictures of everything,” Kam disagrees.

  “I think some things are better left un-captured.” I lay my head back in the chair and look sideways at Kam.

  “It’s going to look amazing.” He bounces on his heels, zooming in on the almost finished product before snapping another picture.

  “Well it better look as amazing as yours or I want my money back.” I flash a grin at Tulk who simply grunts and continues on. “I still can’t believe I let you talk me into this.”

  When Kam suggested we get tattoos I never dreamt we’d get matching ones, but then I saw the amazing piece he had designed and instantly I knew I wanted it too. It’s a feather that has a small section missing from one side where it’s broken off and turned into five tiny birds flying away. He says it represents life. I like to think in some weird way it represents the two of us.

  “It will,” he reassures me.

  “I’m thinking maybe I shouldn’t have picked such a painful location.” I cringe when the needle hits a really sensitive spot.

  “You could have done it on your arm like I did.” He gestures to the top of his forearm that’s wrapped in plastic.

  “If I didn’t think my dad would kill me for doing this, I probably would have. This way he’ll likely never see it.”

  “Unless you’re wearing a bikini.”

  “Well lucky for me I don’t wear bikinis in front of my father.”

  “Lucky for me you do wear them in front of me.” He lifts his eyebrows suggestively.

  “You’re ridiculous.” I laugh, earning me a stern ‘be still’ from Tulk.

  Kam hits me with a wide grin and I swear he becomes a hundred times better looking when he smiles at me like that. You would think after five years of friendship I would be immune to his charms, but alas, I’m anything but immune.

  “Okay.” Tulk pulls the gun back and wipes across my skin, pulling my focus back to him. “I think we’re all done.” He straightens his posture before reaching behind him to grab a hand held mirror, extending it to me.

  “Oh my god.” I cover my mouth with the hand that’s not holding the mirror, still in complete and total shock that I actually went through with this. “I love it.” I smile up at Kam who once again has his camera focused on me.

  “It looks amazing, bean. I told you it would.”

  Looking back down at the tattoo, I angle the mirror so I can get a really good look at it. It’s perfect. Everything that I hoped it would be. And what’s even better is that it really means something to me.

  “Now I’m a part of you forever.” Kam steps up next to me as Tulk rubs some ointment on the tattoo and slaps a piece of plastic wrap over it, taping up the sides so it will stay.

  “You’ll be a part of me forever anyways,” I counter, taking his hand once everything is covered and allowing him to pull me upright.

  Kam smiles, tipping his face down to drop a kiss to the top of my head before pulling me to my feet.

  ****

  Present Day

  “Elara.” My eyes shoot open and I quickly look around, disoriented and confused. The reminiscence of the dream still heavy on my mind as reality slowly starts to filter in.

  I blink several times, trying to shake off the image of Kam’s smile as my hand instinctively goes to the front of my right hip. I wish it was just a dream. Dreams I can handle. It’s the memories that haunt me. The ones that play out like I’m still there, experiencing the moment as if it’s actually happening, and then having to wake up to the same gut wrenching truth – that Kam is gone – then all I want to do is slip back into that dream world somehow. The one where Kam is still alive, smiling at me the way he always used to, snapping away on that damn camera that used to annoy the hell out of me but is now one of the things I miss the most.

  “Elara,” I hear again, the voice able to successfully pull me from the fog, like a beacon calling to me as I try to find my way out of the sea.

  “Hey,” I say, my eyes finally focusing enough to find Kane’s gaze.

  He’s sitting in the seat next to me, tilted forward slightly so he has a full view of my face. “You fell asleep.” He smiles, gesturing to the window on my right.

  I sit up straighter and look outside, surprised to see we are much closer to the ground than when I dozed off.

  “How long was I asleep for?” I ask, my gaze going back to him.

  “About seve
n hours.”

  “Seven hours?” I question, a bit shocked I was able to sleep so soundly given my surroundings.

  “I hope it’s okay I let you sleep. I didn’t want to wake you. You looked so peaceful.”

  “No, it’s okay.” I stretch out, turning side to side to try and work out the stiffness in my back. “I guess I didn’t sleep very well last night.”

  “Well considering you were awake before the sun even came up, I would expect not.” He gives me a knowing look before adding, “We should be landing really soon.”

  “I can’t believe we’re actually here,” I say, once again looking out the window at the green world beneath us. “Italy.” I smile to myself. “It’s even more beautiful than I imagined.”

  “Just wait until you get to see it up close.”

  “How quickly do you have to get to work once we arrive?” I ask abruptly, turning back to face Kane.

  “I’ll need to be in the office first thing tomorrow morning,” he says, clearly seeing the disappointment on my face that I try like hell to hide. “But we can do a little sightseeing this evening after we get settled. Then tomorrow evening I’m taking you on a beer tasting tour.”

  “Beer tasting tour?” I question, not sure I’ve ever heard of such a thing.

  “It was the first thing I did the first time I came to Milan. It’s a great way to get out and experience the city a little. They have microbrews all around and a guide will take us on a walking tour where you’ll get to try different beers and appetizers. They take you right along the canal too which is honestly like a scene from a movie.”

  “Sounds incredible.”

  “It really is,” he agrees. “I can also make arrangements for you to visit Manarola in the next few days.”

  “You don’t have to do all that. I can manage on my own.”

  “No offense, Elara, but you’re in a strange country for the very first time. It would make me feel a lot better if you let me help you navigate your visit here.”

  “You could always come with me,” I say, but not really sure if I meant to.