Jack

by A M Snead

  Emitting a short, soft laugh, Jack nodded and glanced away. “She was,” he whispered.

  “It’s good to see that you’re so accepting of yourself,” Gideon told him. “I’m guessing some of that is due to Jill?”

  “Yeah.” Jack smiled and met his gaze. “If it wasn’t for her…” He shrugged. “I’d probably still be in the closet, hating myself and never wanting anyone to find out.” He glanced around and chuckled softly. “I’m sure I wouldn’t be here.”

  “Well.” Gideon squeezed his shoulder affectionately. “We owe Jill much, then. It would’ve been a terrible shame if you had never come to us.”

  “I think so, too,” Jack said quietly. A trace of anguish pinched his face and he looked away. Maybe there were “some” things Jack could have done without, but at least he was glad to be here. Gideon wished he knew what to say, but at the moment, Jack was in denial of his feelings for Garrett. And until he faced them, there would be no helping him.

  “Are you going to do it?” Gideon asked. “Celebrate her…your…birthday with your parents, I mean. Is that what Jill would have wanted?”

  Jack sighed, shook his head, and laughed softly. “Jill would have wanted me to go out and party for both of us. Get wild and crazy. We would have our party at home that our parents threw for us, and then…” His lips twitched, a wistful shimmer to his eyes. “…we would go out and do it up right. She could out-party me any day. She was…” He swallowed thickly, a glimmer of tears forming. “…so full of life.”

  A low ache pinched Gideon’s heart. “I’m sorry you lost her,” he murmured, his hand still on Jack’s shoulder. “It seems like the best ones leave us far too soon.”

  His lips tight, throat working, Jack nodded.

  “I can’t tell you what to do about your parents,” Gideon said. “But I believe the boys and I can take care of the wild and crazy end of your birthday.” He winked.

  “Oh…” Jack looked at him and shook his head, smiling uncertainly. “No. I don’t…” He shook his head again.

  “Yes.” Gideon smiled. “I think it would be good for you to celebrate the way you know Jill would want you to.” Gideon slid his arm around Jack’s shoulders. “Do you really think she would want you sitting home on your birthday, feeling sad, missing her? From what you’ve said about her so far, I kind of think she might want to kick your butt if you did that.” He squeezed Jack in a hug. “Ya think?”

  Laughing softly, Jack nodded. “Yeah. She so would.”

  “Well then.” Gideon lowered his arm. “We’ll just have to make sure you do it up right.”

  “Mmm.” Jack looked at him a bit worried. “Okay…but it doesn’t have to be full-on wild and crazy. Low-key works for me.”

  “Low-key?” Gideon cocked an eyebrow and chuffed. “These boys?” He chuckled. “You better get ready to party hardy, baby.”

  Jack groaned and rolled his eyes. “Great.” He smiled.

  Gideon laughed.

  ♥

  The digital clock on the nightstand glowed a bright blue in the darkness of the bedroom: 10:57. Moonlight poured through the open blinds, a fraction dimmer than last night, though not much. There was plenty of visibility to see the details of the small pocketknife as it twisted slowly in his fingers.

  A gift. Because he loves me. Some deeper part of Scotty’s mind rejected that notion and his vision blurred. He couldn’t accept anything else. Because if the knife hadn’t been given to him in “love,” then it was given to him in…

  He wiped his arm across his eyes and shook his head. No. It wasn’t a bad gift. He knew Scotty needed it, that he needed to release the pain from time to time. He was just trying to help. Because he loves me.

  The blade slid out with ease, though the knife looked old. This was the first time he’d actually opened it. He carefully touched his thumb pad to the sharp edge. It was really sharp. Like a razor. The moonlight glinted off the metal blade. It was really kind of beautiful. Scotty looked at his arm…the fresh cuts from last night. The pain had been so bad last night. He hadn’t wanted to stop cutting. The scars on his wrists, beneath his leather bracelets, had beckoned him to just go all the way. Maybe this time everyone would stay away long enough, no one would find him in time.

  His eyes shifted to the ceiling, warm tears seeping down into his hair. Wouldn’t it have been better if they hadn’t found him the first time? Better for him…and everyone?

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  “Garrett…?” Scotty trembled as the man’s confession tried to suffocate him. “I-I don’t believe you. Why would you say that? It isn’t true.” He choked on a sob and wiped at his eyes.

  Garrett stared at him, genuine sympathy in his eyes…and tears of his own. “I’m sorry, Scotty. It’s just…this isn’t love. I don’t know what it is but it isn’t love.”

  “Yes, it is,” Scotty cried and reached for Garrett’s shirt, clutching fistfuls, clinging to him. “I love you, Garrett, and…and you love me, too—I know you do.”

  “Scotty…” Garrett grabbed his wrists and tugged until Scotty let loose. “We’re not good for each other.”

  “Yes, we are!” Scotty insisted desperately, tears sliding down his face. “How can you say that? We love each other. We do!”

  “No. We don’t!” Garrett choked out sharply, still holding Scotty’s wrists. “I can’t…do this, Scotty. I don’t know how…how to love someone—and neither do you!”

  “That’s a lie!” Scotty cried and tried to grab onto him again. Garrett struggled against his urgent hands. “Please, Garrett! Don’t…don’t leave me…please…I don’t want to be alone again…please, baby! I love you! I do…I do, Garrett…please…”

  “Stop, Scotty.” Garrett shuddered. “Please, just…stop.” He released Scotty’s wrists and stepped back, holding Scotty at bay with an outstretched hand, warding him off. “Just…stop, okay? We’re not good for each other.” He shook his head and swiped at the tears running down his face, his body shaking. “You won’t be alone. You have friends here. You’ll be okay.”

  Shaking his head, Scotty sobbed, “I don’t care about them. I just need you…just you…” He moved forward but Garrett retreated toward the door.

  “I’m the last person you need, Scotty,” Garrett whispered thickly. “I’m…I’m as fucked up as you are.”

  “I don’t care,” Scotty said. “We can be fucked up together…I don’t care.”

  Garrett looked at him, deep sadness in his eyes. “No, Scotty.” He turned away solemnly and slipped out of the bedroom door. And then he was gone, as if he’d never been there at all. And Scotty was alone again…like he was when Mickey had come in and taken Marcus away from him. Why did everyone keep leaving him?

  Because you’re bad…the devil’s child…even God hates you…even God…

  His mind in a fog, he wandered from his room and didn’t realize he was in one of the studio rooms until he was standing before the bed. The same bed where he and Garrett had shot their first scene together—when they had fallen in love.

  He lay down on the bed and pulled the pillow into his arms and buried his face in the softness. Though Garrett’s scent was long gone…he could still smell him. Still feel the way his hands had caressed his body that very first time. The warmth and sweetness of his kiss. He shoved his face harder into the pillow and cried until his body ached and head throbbed. He wished he could will himself to die.

  Scotty lost all sense of time; minutes passing—maybe even hours—he didn’t know. He felt lost, detached…and wondered if he had died. And the pain…it began to fade…draining out of him…

  In what felt like a surreal dream, he was suddenly wrapped in strong arms, a deep, soothing voice speaking to him—“Easy, baby, I got you. Just hang on, you’re gonna be okay.”

  Garrett? He couldn’t tell but he nestled closer to the warm body and cried. “Why can’t anyone love me?” he whispered. “Why don’t…anyone want me?”

  “Shhh.” The voice tried to calm him before grow
ing louder—shouting—with desperation and fear.

  Shouting for…help.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Scotty sniffed and cleared his throat. It hadn’t been Garrett who had found him. Someone else who had walked into the room by chance. Royal. Scotty remembered fading in and out of consciousness, hearing the other boys’ voices, and Gideon, and then…the EMTs. Bailey and…Scotty never knew the name of Bailey’s partner, had never seen him again. Bailey had come back. Not for Scotty, but for Lucas.

  No one ever comes back for me.

  Tears rose up and trickled down his temples. Nightmare images rose behind his eyes. Huddling in the woods just off the side of the road…where he had been dumped like garbage…thrown back to the monsters. No one had come back for him.

  Why do you think that is? Why would anyone want you? You’re fucked up. Just like he keeps telling you.

  But he had come back. And he kept coming back. He acted mean sometimes, but…why would he keep coming back if he didn’t love Scotty?

  “He wouldn’t,” Scotty whispered, a thick wetness to his voice. He jumped when a knock at the door startled him. Hurriedly closing the knife, he stuffed it under his pillow and sat up, wiping his face. “Who is it?”

  “It’s me,” Bailey’s voice came through the door, muffled. “Bailey.”

  Scotty swallowed hard. “Just…just a minute.” He grabbed his long-sleeve shirt and quickly tugged it on, covering his arms. He cleared his throat. “Come in.”

  The door opened tentatively, and Bailey stepped inside. “Do you think we could turn on a light?” he asked quietly.

  “What do you want?” Scotty mumbled.

  “To talk for a minute.” Bailey approached the bed through the moonlit room. “If you don’t want to turn on the light, we don’t have to.” He sat down beside Scotty, giving him a foot or so of space.

  Scotty hugged himself and stared at the floor. “Why aren’t you with Lucas?” he whispered.

  “I was,” Bailey said, then smiled. “He can survive without me for now.”

  There was no need to guess why Bailey was here. He had looked at Scotty suspiciously earlier that day in the hallway. “What did you want to talk about?” Scotty asked quietly.

  Bailey shrugged and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “I just wanted to see how you were doing?”

  “I’m still alive,” Scotty mumbled.

  Nodding slowly, Bailey murmured, “Well, that is definitely a good sign.” He straightened. “How are you doing…otherwise?”

  Scotty didn’t answer.

  “Listen, Scotty,” Bailey said softly, sincerely. “You know you can talk to me, right? Even when I’m away from the house, you can text me, or call me. Anytime.”

  “What do you care?” Scotty said thickly, throat knotting suddenly. He blinked back a swell of tears.

  “I do care,” Bailey whispered. “I want you to be okay, Scotty. If something’s wrong, you need to talk to someone about it. If not me, then Gideon. You know he’s there for you as well.”

  “He just cares about Jack now,” Scotty mumbled. “He’s all anyone cares about.”

  Bailey sighed and leaned forward again. He rubbed his hand over his mouth, dragging slowly down to his chin. “You don’t like Jack?”

  Scotty shrugged. “It’s just…” He exhaled heavily. “He shows up and everyone instantly starts falling all over him. What’s…” His throat tightened. “What’s so special about him?”

  “Maybe it isn’t that he’s so special,” Bailey suggested. “But that he puts himself out there, let’s other people in.” He twisted his head and looked at Scotty. “Maybe you should try it. You might find yourself receiving some of the same attention that you’re jealous of.”

  “I’m not jealous!” Scotty jumped up, arms squeezing his waist. He stared hard at Bailey. “I’m not jealous of Jack. I just don’t see why everyone is kissing his ass.”

  “Okay. Easy.” Bailey stood up. “Bad choice of words.” He held up one hand in mild defense. “I don’t really think anyone is kissing his ass. Like I said, he puts himself out there. And when you do that, people warm up to you.” He lowered his hand. “It isn’t fair to push everyone away, Scotty, and then accuse them of not caring about you. It’s a two-way street. You have to give a little, too.”

  Scotty shot him a sharp glare. “I did give,” he said tightly. “I gave everything. To Marcus. To Garrett. And they shit on it. They…” Tears welled thick. “They threw it away. Threw me away, like I wasn’t…anything. I’m not anything.”

  “Scotty…” Bailey started to reach for him, but Scotty withdrew and turned his back.

  “Just leave,” he whispered, wiping at his eyes. “You don’t have to pretend to be my friend.”

  “I’m not pretending,” Bailey said softly, emotion squeezing his words. “I’m not, Scotty.”

  Moving toward the window, Scotty shook his head. “Just leave…please.”

  “As you wish,” Bailey sighed. He walked to the door. “I am your friend. Lucas, Derek, the others want to be your friends.” He went silent a moment, then added quietly, “Let us be your friends, Scotty.”

  The door closed, and Scotty stood unmoving at the window, staring out into the night. Truth was…he liked Bailey. He wanted to believe the guy really cared, that he actually was his friend. It just hurt so much less to think it wasn’t true, than to believe it and find out later that it was a lie.

  The twisting of the doorknob pulled him around. Was Bailey coming back? The tiny flicker of hope troubled him deeply; why would he want him to come back—

  He tensed when the door opened just enough for the man to slip inside, then close behind him—and lock. Scotty moved forward tentatively, in the direction of the bed rather than the man. “I-I didn’t know you were coming by tonight.” He had been here last night, and he didn’t like to visit Scotty’s room on consecutive nights—the risk was too high, he didn’t want to be found out.

  The man said nothing as he approached Scotty. When he was close enough, Scotty reached for him, fingered his shirt. His hard chest was nearly heaving underneath, and this close—Scotty could hear his breath rushing through his nostrils.

  “What the fuck was another guy doing in here?” he hissed low.

  Fear instantly grabbed Scotty. “N-nothing,” he stammered. “He just…he wanted to talk. That’s all.”

  “That’s all?”

  “Yes.” Scotty swallowed hard, voice shaking.

  “And what were you doing with your mouth while he was talking?”

  Scotty drew his hand away and stepped back. “I-I wasn’t doing anything. I swear.”

  “Lying little fuck!” A hard slap caught Scotty in the face, knocking him onto the bed. He cried out and grabbed his stinging cheek, tears flooding.

  “I didn’t do anything!” he cried. “Please…I didn’t!” Scotty gasped sharply when the man clutched his throat with one hand, squeezing just hard enough to labor his breath. “No!” he choked, panic rising. “Please!”

  The man’s face shoved close to his, his breath hot, ragged. The weight of his body crushed Scotty into the mattress.

  Scotty choked again and sucked for air. “I-I can’t…breathe…”

  “So, stop,” the man said coldly and grabbed at the snap of Scotty’s pants, jerking them open with his free hand. “If I ever catch another guy in your room—I’ll make you stop.”

  His eyes squeezing shut, Scotty concentrated on what little air made it past the man’s strong hand, trying not to pass out. But then…maybe it would be better if he did.

  Did he really want to be awake for the assault?

  39 “The Sounds In The Night”

  “Fuck, baby, I love your body.” Lucas dragged his fingers down the curvature of Bailey’s spine, causing the young man to respond, his body shifting and rolling gently to Lucas’ touch. They sat naked in the center of the bed, Bailey in Lucas’ lap, his lean legs wrapped around Lucas’ waist. “I did miss you.” He kisse
d Bailey’s neck. “For real.”

  “I missed you, too.” Bailey hugged his head, stroked his fingers through Lucas’ dark hair.

  Groaning quietly, Lucas slid his hands over the swell of Bailey’s perfectly rounded ass. He’d never laid eyes on a more beautiful ass. “God.” He groaned again when Bailey moved his hips, Lucas’ cock sliding deep into his tight hole, his inner sleeve squeezing his hard member. “Fuck…no one feels as good as you, baby.” The firm yet soft flesh of Bailey’s ass depressed beneath Lucas’ fingers as he gripped tighter. “Damn, I just want to chew on this ass.”

  Bailey chuckled and dipped his head, kissing Lucas on the mouth. “You already did. And I’m pretty sure there’s teeth marks to prove it.”

  “Complaining?”

  “Oh no.” Bailey grinned and kissed him harder, shoving down on his cock. “Never.”

  “Fuck,” Lucas gasped and dragged his fingers through Bailey’s crack to his stretched hole, feeling his own hard member buried deep inside the guy. “You’re gonna make me cum so fucking hard.” He shuddered.

  “That is the plan,” Bailey murmured and grabbed his mouth again, sliding his tongue between Lucas’ lips.

  “Mmm…” Lucas moaned. He rubbed up Bailey’s supple body, caressed his ribs, then lower to his hips. He tugged on Bailey’s lips with his own. “Fuck me, baby…show me what I’ve been missing.”

  Bailey raked his fingers through Lucas’ hair and kissed him again, tightened his legs around Lucas’ waist and slowly rolled his hips, lifting, dropping, swaying gently from side to side, creating a myriad of sensations that caused a sudden increase in the length and girth of Lucas’ erection.

  “Oh, fuck yes…” Lucas trembled and flattened his palms against Bailey’s shoulder blades. “Oh fuck, baby, you make it feel so good.” Lucas couldn’t honestly say that any of the guys he’d shot scenes with were bad lovers but there was just something special about Bailey. He could get to Lucas like no one else.

  “Oh God,” Bailey panted softly, cupping Lucas’ face. “You make it feel so good, too.” He crushed his mouth on Lucas’ and fucked him harder, adding a little “snap” to his hips.