How to Fail at Flirting

by Denise Williams

  I’d texted Aaron and said I was on my way over with beef and broccoli and egg rolls. I offered to keep him company while Felicia and the kids were at her dad’s place in Florida for the week, but I knew he saw through my ruse. He initially eyed my hair, piled in a messy ponytail, and my paint-stained sweatpants without comment, but it didn’t take long for him to ask.

  “So, what’s going on? Or did you get dressed up to hang out with me?” He sipped from his bottle of beer, eyebrows raised.

  “I’m sorry my clothes don’t meet your high standards.”

  Aaron wore his usual, jeans and a T-shirt. The shirts spanned decades—tonight, it was one from college I knew Felicia had been attempting to throw away for years. “I never care what you wear . . . but you usually do.” He set down his drink. “Seriously, what’s going on? Is it work? That guy? Felicia told me you had a fight.” He let the heavy silence push me to talk.

  I launched into the story, telling him about the president’s committee, and Davis’s texts, and my fight with Jake. When I was finished, I dropped my head into my hands.

  When I looked up, Aaron’s expression was concerned, his words measured. “Davis has been texting you?”

  Shit. I hadn’t meant to reveal that. “I don’t want to talk about the texts. Fel doesn’t know that part yet.” I eyed Aaron’s doubtful expression.

  “What has he been sending you?”

  “I’ll deal with it, I just . . . I can’t right now, Aaron.”

  “Nay . . .” He set his bottle aside and leaned forward. “Is he threatening you? Do you need the police? Please don’t shut us out again.”

  “Seriously, it’s fine. It’s not a big deal. Please drop it.”

  “Okay. For now.” He sighed after a beat. “But I don’t like it.” He set his beer aside and shoveled a forkful of fried rice into his mouth and chewed. “So, you’ve just been ignoring your boyfriend?”

  I nodded, gazing at my feet. “I don’t think he’s my boyfriend anymore.” He hadn’t messaged me in a couple days. I couldn’t blame him. How long had I expected him to keep trying to reach me when I didn’t respond?

  Aaron stayed quiet but was nodding again, his lips pursed.

  “Am I being unreasonable?”

  “I get why you’re hesitant and that the work thing is complicated, but it sounds like you are. Nay, what do you want to happen? Let’s go step-by-step.”

  I dropped my head back to my hands in exasperation; leave it to a math teacher to lead me down a rational path. “I have no idea.”

  “Yes, you do.”

  “I want my career. I want to be at TU and keep studying, writing, and teaching in a place I love.”

  “And . . . what else?” He nudged my foot with his before taking a bite of rice.

  “I want him. It’s been so long since I had someone I could count on—I mean, other than you guys. Someone who cares about me. I wanted that.” I didn’t tell Aaron that Jake had told me he loved me. Even when I was admitting everything, sharing that felt too personal—it made my screwup so much bigger.

  “That’s called a relationship.”

  I smiled through my cloud of despair.

  “Adults have them sometimes. You may be familiar with them from seeing movies and reading books.”

  I searched for something to throw at him but had nothing within reach. Instead, I stared at the stained carpet from my seat on the floor and cringed. “Your carpet is in dire need of replacement, by the way.”

  “Don’t change the subject. But yeah, the carpet’s bad. Blame your three favorite kids.” He took an audible deep breath and looked from the carpet to me. “Nay, there’s no sugarcoating it. You screwed up.” Aaron ticked off examples on his fingers. “You kept the relationship a secret at work, you blamed this guy for things that seem way out of his control, and you refuse to talk to him about it.”

  I covered my face again. I’d already known that.

  “But,” he added, “if he’s into you, and it sounds like he is, then you can fix it.” He held my gaze. “Unless . . .”

  “Unless what?”

  “Unless you don’t want to fix it. You’ve said for a long time you’re happy alone. Did you mean it?”

  “It is easier to be alone. You and Felicia have this perfect relationship, but most people don’t have that. Most people get dicked around.”

  “Eh, we’re nowhere near perfect, and you’re aware of that because she tells you everything.” He fixed me with a knowing look, hands tucked behind his head. “I screw up weekly, and living with your best friend, the love of my life, is not always a picnic, but that’s normal. People are imperfect, so relationships will always have flaws.”

  I nodded.

  “Anyway,” he said, not taking my bait, “how is it easier?” He paused, raising his eyebrows expectantly, but began again when I delayed answering. “Let me take a stab—you’re worried that every guy will treat you like Davis did, and this guy—”

  “Jake,” I interjected.

  He nodded. “Okay, Jake will do the same, so you want to cut him off before he has the chance to hurt you. I get that, but at some point you have to trust someone, right? And,” he continued, nudging my shoulder, “yes, it sucks he told you your job might be in trouble, but you knew that already, right?”

  I mumbled a reluctant confirmation.

  He revved up for his next points. “And, here’s the hard truth, Nay: The thing you’re scared of is that he might end up being a dick.”

  I turned my head to give him a skeptical look. “That isn’t helping—”

  “I don’t know the guy, but the possibility exists that he could break your heart, betray your trust, or steal your car. He might also be a good guy. From what Felicia’s told me, he sounds like someone who could be really good for you. You won’t know until you get out of your own way, give up on this idea of perfect, and give him a chance to love you, flaws and all.”

  I eyed him skeptically, unwilling to admit he was right. “Why do you think he loves me?”

  He gave a wry smile. “I’m sure you’re an all-star in bed, Nay, but no guy is going to log the miles and time this guy has just to get laid. There has to be more to it.”

  “Maybe,” I mumbled, since the memory of Jake’s I love you and the pang of loss were inextricably bound.

  “And you love him, too. That’s clear. So, give him a chance.”

  “It’s not that easy,” I protested.

  “No, but it’s not that hard.” Aaron took a drink from his beer. “Just let him into your life.”

  “I did let him in.”

  Aaron cocked one eyebrow.

  “I did!”

  “Why haven’t we met him? He’s been to visit you a bunch of times, right? You don’t have that many close friends, Nay. Why haven’t you introduced us?”

  He was right, of course. Jake had even asked if I’d wanted us to do something with my friends, but I’d always demurred.

  “Okay, I get what you’re saying.”

  “Now we’ve agreed I’m right, as I so often am, what are you going to do about it?”

  I looked up at the ceiling and asked myself the same question.

  To do: Figure out what the hell I want.

  * * *

  I mulled over my conversation with Aaron as I lay in bed later that night. I’d opened my text window twenty times to attempt a reply to Jake, but after how I’d acted, I needed to say something perfect. It had been days since he’d last messaged me, and everything I tapped out seemed insufficient. I checked flight times, wondering if a grand gesture, surprising him in North Carolina, would be better. But he traveled so often, I might show up to his doorstep only for him to be in Kansas City or Portland.

  I took a deep breath and opened the text window again.

  Naya: Hi.

  Three dots blin
ked immediately. My heart somersaulted into my throat, and my stomach dropped. The wait felt interminable, and the dots disappeared and didn’t come back. After a few minutes, I couldn’t take the wait anymore. Maybe making him laugh would break the thick layer of ice.

  Naya: Gladys, I hope this isn’t too awkward. Is Jake at your place?

  Naya: Can you tell him I miss him?

  Nothing. I refreshed the window, hoping to see the moving dots. He might be away from his phone. Maybe he’s trapped under something heavy. Maybe he’s on a date. I ran through every horrible scenario, and my anxiety was on ten. I refreshed the window again, tapping my fingers against the side of my phone, nerves on edge. Finally, the moving dots appeared on the screen, and I held my breath.

  Jake: funny.

  Jake: U miss me?

  Naya: I do.

  Jake: you suck at showing it

  I winced. He’d never said anything so curt before, even during our fight.

  Jake: soyour talking t me now?

  He was always so precise, even when texting. The typos worried me.

  Naya: Are you ok?

  Jake: Do yU care?

  Jake: I told you I love you andyou Stoppd talking to me

  Jake: no NOt ok. drunk tnite tho.

  Jake rarely had more than a drink or two, and I hadn’t seen him drunk since the first night we’d met.

  Naya: Jake, I’m so sorry.

  Jake: Fr what?

  Jake: Ignring me fora week or for being so goddam scared

  Jake: Its what you do. You gt scared then you run.

  Naya: We should talk when you’re sober

  Jake: Why? When i’m sober will you stil care more abt work than me?

  Naya: I never cared more about work than you.

  Jake: liar. Thats wht I get tho. I cared abt work too much to realise my wife was fuccking the neighbor

  Jake: And I fell inlove too fast with the 1st woman I met

  Jake: Tyson said slow dwn but nope, I was so sure, sosureyou were The fcking love of my life.

  Naya: Jake, can we talk tomorrow? I don’t think you mean this.

  Jake: I mean it. Just wouldn t say it to u sober

  Jake: I told you I love youu and you said itwas jst sex. Do you know what that felt like? Like all iam to you is a hard dick?

  Naya: You’re not. I’m so sorry for everything. We can fix this.

  Jake: You mde it very clear you dont want to fix anything.

  Jake: I get you got dealt a shitty hand, but Im a person. U cant just throw me away and pick me bck up latr whn u feel like it

  Jake: Why do wmen think thats allowed?

  Naya: Jake, please. Can we talk tomorrow?

  Jake: No. I’m done tyring to talk toyou.

  Jake: U ignored me fr a week lk I meant nothing. you said ur broken, but maybe you r just heartless.

  My breathing stuttered and my stomach clenched at the biting words. He’s right. Regret swept through my body, and I clutched the phone. He had it right, and I replayed the argument, knowing how I’d flown off the handle. It hadn’t been about him or even the job; I’d felt unsteady again. But I was so screwed up, I’d just kept putting it on Jake, and he deserved so much more. I swiped my hand across my cheek and bit back a sob, moving my wet thumb over the screen of my phone. I should have typed I love you. I wanted to, but I couldn’t make my fingers move to form the three short words. It was too much, and maybe he was right.

  Naya: I’m sorry.

  Jake: You want temporary. You g ot it.

  Thirty-eight

  You know I love you, but you look like shit.” Felicia opened the front door and wrapped me in a hug. “How are you?”

  “I’m fine.”

  “Bull, you’ve been a puddle of sad since everything went down.”

  “This is the first time you’ve seen me.”

  “Am I wrong?”

  She wasn’t, but I wasn’t planning to admit the amount of time I’d spent rereading old text messages from Jake and crying. At night when I couldn’t sleep, I replayed every moment we’d spent together, searching for every clue that being apart was the right thing. That didn’t stop me from creeping on his social media.

  The day before, there had been new content, and my stomach flipped, seeing him tagged in a photo, a selfie reposted by Gretchen dated seven years earlier. The two were smiling and sitting at a candlelit table. Jake was holding the camera while Gretchen kissed his cheek. They looked kind of perfect together. The caption read Going out for Italian food with this guy tonight. Not quite the same as the honeymoon in Florence, but I’ll take it #TBT. I remembered how much he had avoided this meeting, how being around her put him on edge. But he agreed to go to dinner, so maybe not anymore. I’d added terminate social media connection with Jake to my list but immediately crossed it off, knowing having no connection with him would be worse than seeing things like that on his feed.

  I put on my coolest, most confident-sounding rational professor voice. “I’m fine.”

  “You don’t have to be,” Felicia shot back. “You trusted a guy for the first time since Davis, and no matter what you say, that was a big deal and I know you’re not fine.”

  “All right, I’m not fine, but it’s too late now, right? I screwed it up.”

  “Did you try to call him?”

  “No,” I answered simply, though I had begun to call him a bunch of times. My pride stopped me from hitting the button to dial. I didn’t think I could handle hearing him say the things he’d texted me, no matter how much I missed his voice.

  “Why not?”

  “I don’t want to talk about it, Fel.” I sighed, exasperated. “Can I just get that sleeping bag I asked to borrow?”

  Her slow sigh told me she was debating whether to let me get away with the subject change. Her audible inhalation communicated that I was off the hook for now. “C’mon. It’s in the living room.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Are you going camping or something?” Aaron asked from the floor of the living room, where he was building Lego towers with the kids.

  “We’re going to this retreat site in the woods, and we’ll be in cabins. It’s for that committee I’m on.” I settled into an armchair across from my friends, pulling the sleeping bag to my chest.

  Aaron cocked an eyebrow.

  I shrugged. “The president has a thing with being out in nature.” We were supposed to be giving feedback and answering questions the consultants had come up with during their review. That won’t be at all awkward.

  “Maybe it’ll be fun. I’d have fun watching all you nerds trying to survive while roughing it.” Aaron planted himself on the other end of the sectional.

  Felicia, perched on the arm of the couch, scrubbed her fingers through Aaron’s hair playfully. “You realize you’re a high school math teacher and not a cattle rancher, right, honey?”

  “Yes, but I go outside, sometimes.” Aaron laughed, propping his feet on the coffee table. “Will your guy be there? John?”

  “Jake—why do you never say his actual name?”

  “Because it bugs you. Will he be there?”

  “Yes.” Two days in the woods with a man who’s seen me naked. Scratch that, two men who have seen me naked. “Davis, too.”

  “Naya!” Felicia sat upright, concern coloring her expression. “You never said he was going to be there. Are you okay being that close to him?”

  Aaron shot me a pointed look from across the room, and I knew he’d kept his promise to not tell Felicia about the texts, but he wasn’t happy about it.

  I tucked my knees to my chest, choosing to stare at the kids and not my best friend. “I don’t really have a choice.”

  Thirty-nine

  I searched the parking lot for Jake before climbing
out of my car, but I didn’t see him or Carlton in the assembled group outside the main administration building. I did see Jill across the lot and hoped I could stand with her while we waited. Since we were both on this committee, I’d hoped Jill and I might get to know each other better. At thirty-three, I found myself adding make new friends to my list, which was humiliating, but throwing myself into work and hiding out had also meant not making time to socialize. I hadn’t sunken to googling how to make friends as an adult yet, but I saw the search in my future, especially since I was single again.

  I stretched for my tote, which had shifted in my trunk.

  “I still can’t believe you’re here.” Davis’s voice behind me was like a bouquet of dull knives and tin foil, and set my nerves on edge.

  I took a moment to close my eyes and collect my nerves before turning to face him and instinctively taking a step backward. Breathe.

  “Well, you knew I would be . . .”

  “It’s cute when you trail off like that. It’s wonderful that you don’t care if people see you as inarticulate.”

  I felt exposed standing so close to him in this wide-open space. The flashy red sports car parked nearby with the custom license plates—NO1DR—was his. I’d been so busy looking for Jake, I’d missed it. He used to tell people it was a joke, him nearing middle age—no wonder he’d drive such a flashy car. He actually chose it to read “number one doctor.” The car had changed in the years since we broke up, but the plates remained the same.

  He chuckled, a grating sound. “I meant since news about you screwing the consultant is out. I figured you’d slink off somewhere.”

  I clenched my jaw and remained silent, my heart tripping to get out of my chest, and I hoped my shock didn’t show.

  His lip curled in a half smile. “Oh, Flip asked my opinion on it. He really trusts my judgment.” His eyes trailed down my body, and goose bumps rose on my skin. “You’re smart enough to know where your strengths are. It’s a bold move, I’ll give you that. I just didn’t know you had it in you to be so calculating.”