Air

by Rosie Scott

  I pulled my attention back to Nyx. She tipped her head back, downing the second half of her mug in a few large gulps.

  “Nyx,” I said again, insistent.

  The mug slammed onto the counter with a metal ring. “Yes, Kai?” Nyx blurted, summoning the innkeeper with a hand. When he came over, she said to him, “Save us both some time and bring me a pitcher.”

  My heart ached with her hostility. “Can we talk?”

  “Sure, while we still can,” Nyx blurted, her eyes greedy on the pitcher as it was brought to her. She threw two gold pieces over at the innkeeper carelessly before lifting the pitcher with both hands.

  I frowned as I watched her drink from the container until she had to stop to breathe. When she lowered it to the counter, I asked, “What are you doing?”

  “Trying to get drunk,” Nyx spat, like it should have been obvious. She hung her head over the counter, her loose black hair keeping her face from view.

  “You blame me,” I murmured. It was painful just to say.

  “Yes. No. I don't fucking know.” The fingers of her hands ran over the condensation on the pitcher, the motion calming her. “You know how much I loved Jakan, Kai. And I loved Anto too. To have them both—” She cut herself off, coughed, and was quiet for a few seconds. She finally decided against saying more and downed more alcohol.

  “I would never in a million years have used that spell had I known it would hit him,” I told her. “You know that. I loved Jakan—”

  “I'm not fucking stupid, Kai. I know you're not some malicious backstabber trying to find ways to get us all killed. But it doesn't matter that you'd do it over if you could. It doesn't matter that you know better now. Jakan is dead. He's underground. Never coming back.” Nyx glanced over at me finally. “And you caused it.”

  A sharp pain sliced through my heart, traveling further to my gut and threatening to split my entire body in two. My face burned with emotion the same way it had too many times before. “Do you think I don't know that?” I asked her, my voice thick and mournful.

  “You know it. I want you to remember it.”

  Azazel appeared in my peripheral vision as he stepped toward us. “Nyx, I understand your pain, but nothing good will come of being cruel to Kai.”

  “Nothing good will come of being nice to her either, though, will it?” Nyx retorted, throwing her head back to Azazel. “Jakan and Anto were nothing but supportive. That's all I've ever been. That's all you've ever been. Who'll it be next, Azazel? Raise your hand if you'd like to die.”

  “I don't want to die. No one wants to die,” Azazel replied, his voice strong with his own anger. “None of us are invincible. All of us knew that even before deciding to get involved in this war. Every one of us is only here because we accept the risk in favor of doing the things we enjoy.”

  “Like what, Azazel? What do you enjoy?”

  “Kai's company,” Azazel replied evenly. “I searched for friendship all my life. It took me one hundred and sixty-one years to find it. I would risk death many times to keep it.”

  “Congratulations,” Nyx muttered, pulling the pitcher to her lips again.

  Azazel was quiet, but I could tell Nyx's bitterness hurt him. “Don't be cruel to him, Nyx. Your problems are with me. Keep them with me.”

  “My problems are with you,” she agreed, putting the pitcher down. A buzz sparkled in her eyes. “But he barges in to defend your mistakes like both of you are blind to them.”

  “Tell me when I've been blind,” I challenged her. “I'm acknowledging everything. To a sick degree. I'm berating myself so badly that I don't think I need you to do it for me.”

  “You don't need me to do anything for you,” Nyx retorted.

  “What is that supposed to mean?”

  “It means you don't listen to me. I expressed my concerns to you before we reached Narangar. We knew something was coming. I told you—”

  “Like you telling me that would let me know what to expect, Nyx, come on,” I rambled, exasperated. “I was just as worried as you. The magic I used in that battle was meant to keep something from happening. We were overwhelmed. Our whole army could have been wiped out that day. I was desperate, Nyx. Desperate to keep you and everyone else safe.”

  “But you've learned nothing, Kai,” Nyx said, before pulling the pitcher closer to her. Before taking a drink, she asked, “What are your plans? What's next?”

  The question seemed out of place and confusing, but I answered it anyway. “We're returning to Mistral.”

  “And then? What will you do?” She prodded.

  “We'll be going to Glacia.”

  “Mm,” Nyx muttered, before saying, “so you're going along with the queen's plan. Using Bhaskar and the sun, wiping out an entire continent.”

  “That was always the plan, Nyx.”

  “Yep, and you always wanted to avoid it.”

  I frowned over at her. “And now it's unavoidable. Glacia has already attacked. I told the queen I wouldn't attack right away because we couldn't be certain Cicero was being honest and I wanted to avoid such drastic action. So we didn't go. Look at where that got us, Nyx. If anything, putting it off was a mistake.”

  She chuckled cruelly.

  “What?” I blurted, anger rising into my head. “What would you have me do? Allow Glacia to come here and invade and not retaliate? Jakan and Anto are dead, and they wouldn't be if the Icilic had stayed in their fucking country!”

  “Ah!” Nyx raised a finger in the air. “There it is.”

  “What?”

  “The need for vengeance. You've proved my point, Kai.” She waved a hand in the air. “Leave me alone.”

  Nyx didn't have to ask me twice. I stood abruptly, skidding the stone chair back into place until it clattered against the bar. I headed outside to get fresh air, and I only knew Azazel was following when the door behind me took too long to close.

  The exit of the inn led directly out to the walkways that zigzagged up the cliff sides of Welkin. I followed the wooden path to a higher platform that faced west, before leaning on its railing and trying to let the view of the beautiful land beyond calm me. I could see Reva from here, I noticed, just like Jakan had said. Giants were working around the mines, though many had left the town to help clean up the battlefield. Even a fortnight after the battle the land was scarred. The grasslands themselves were torn up from my tornado, the ground indented and muddy. The rivers were still cloudy with blood. I wasn't sure how that was possible after all this time.

  “Would you like to be alone?” Azazel questioned, standing back on the walkway below me with his hands in his pockets. An ache grabbed my heart. It hadn't felt like that long ago when I'd asked him the same thing.

  “No, I want you here,” I replied. Azazel came forward finally, coming to a stand beside me at the railing. Since the platform jutted out from the cliff side, it felt like we were flying above the cup of Eteri below. I felt instantly calmer with the archer beside me, though his presence couldn't take all of my pain away. When he said nothing, I offered, “You more than anyone could be angry with me.”

  “Why would I be angry with you?” He questioned.

  “You warned me that day. About what could happen.”

  “Yes, but you knew it already. I was just reminding you.” Azazel hesitated. “You do realize, Kai, that friendly fire is unfortunately common in warfare. I know that won't make you feel better, but you are not alone. You're not a horrible person. Simply a flawed one. And there are no flawless people.”

  I swallowed hard. “I do know that, Azazel, but thank you for saying it.”

  “How are you feeling?” Azazel asked next. As if to clarify, he added, “Physically?”

  I understood he was asking about the remnants of the plague. I'd had a few fevers in the days after the battle, but Azazel had brewed me the potions he'd said would help. “Better, thanks. Your tonics must have worked.”

  “I'm glad.” Azazel cleared his throat. I could sense there was something he w
anted to say, though he thought twice about doing so.

  “Say it, friend,” I murmured, encouraging him. “Might as well pile it all on at once. I can take it.”

  “Don't be ashamed of who you are,” Azazel finally said. It surprised me that his words were positive. I expected nothing but negative things at the moment. “Forgive me, but I can't help but overhear some of your conversations with Cerin. I've never said anything about it because I can tell it bothers you and is private. But Nyx's words to you today will make you feel worse. You are a special person, Kai. You are not someone who is willing to sit on the sidelines and let things happen. You make them happen. Your lust for vengeance is not a negative trait. Each time you've sought retribution, it was because someone you loved died or was mistreated. I think that's honorable.”

  It was a few seconds before I spoke. “I can only imagine the things you hear Cerin and I do if you can hear our whispers.”

  Azazel was quiet for a moment. “That wasn't really my point.”

  I leaned further down on the railing in defeat. “I know. I'm trying to avoid the point.”

  “I don't try to listen. I sleep with pillows over my head.” The archer hesitated. “Let me just say that from what I do hear, I can tell you and Cerin are very happy together.”

  I looked up to my friend just to see him smiling. I reached over, shaking his arm fondly. “I love you.”

  Azazel's eyes humbled, and he looked over the land beyond. “It's so odd to hear you say that.”

  “Why? We've been friends now for over two years.” I hesitated. “Right? Hazarmaveth was taken two years ago.”

  “Yes,” Azazel agreed. “As of New Moon. It's been more than two years.” He exhaled evenly. “It's not odd because it is you, Kai. It's odd because it is directed at me. No one has ever said that to me before.”

  “Tell me if it makes you uncomfortable,” I said. I realized that it could have given his traumatic past.

  “No, it's a nice thing to hear. But I am a little confused. Were you saying that because I've heard you and Cerin, or something else?”

  Azazel's confusion caused me to chuckle softly for the first time in weeks. “I was really saying it because of your support. Your words about vengeance. Some of the greatest wars have been fought and won over such a thing. I think to some extent that vengeance is necessary. It motivates people to right wrongs. But it can also cause people to make mistakes because they are brash.” I glanced back over to my friend with a sad smile.

  “That's why you have me,” Azazel said, patting me on the back.

  “Yes,” I agreed. “That's why I have you.”

  *

  Knock. Knock. Knock.

  I frowned as no response came from the other side of the door. I glanced back and found Azazel coming out of the room next to ours, all of his things packed in his satchel.

  “Did Nyx go off with someone?” I asked the archer.

  Azazel looked thoughtful a moment. “She left her room a few hours ago. I don't think she had anyone with her.”

  Altan turned the corner down the hallway, stopping when he saw us. “Is everything okay?” The Sentinel asked, noticing the confusion cluttering the hallway.

  “We can't find Nyx,” I replied.

  “She might be visitin' some places we forgot,” Maggie suggested. “She told me last night she wasn't done here. I wasn't sure what that meant, but then again, she was very drunk.”

  “Nyx was drunk?” I replied, shocked. For as much as Nyx drank, it was extremely hard for her to get drunk.

  “Aye,” Maggie replied. “I had to take her back to her room, myself.”

  That was concerning. We filed out of the hallway and to the inn downstairs, where the owner was cleaning off the bar. I walked up to him, immediately asking, “Did Nyx Sephtis leave?”

  “She was the female Alderi, right?” The innkeeper asked, thinking. When I nodded, he said, “Yeah, she left a few hours ago. Checked out and left her key.”

  “Did she say where she was going?”

  The man shook his head regretfully. “No, I'm sorry.”

  All of us took the time to check out of our own rooms before leaving the inn and traveling up the walkways leading up the cliffs to the highlands. The first place I hurried to check was precisely where we found her.

  Nyx sat facing the ocean, her knees pulled up to her chest as she leaned back on her arms to watch the sunrise. On either side of her was a fresh grave. She said nothing and didn't move as she heard us approach.

  I stood beside her for a few minutes, trying to enjoy the beauty of the sunrise myself. It rose over the ocean in the east, casting yellow and pink light over rolling blue waters. A low breeze blew by us both, rustling the long grasses of the highlands.

  “Nyx,” I finally murmured. “We're leaving.”

  “Okay,” she replied, softly. She cleared her throat before starting to stand. The others started walking, but I waited for her. Though Nyx now faced me, she made no move to follow. Her black eyes were moist with tears, and it looked like she hadn't slept for days. “I hope you all have luck in Glacia.”

  My heart dropped into my stomach acid. The others stopped walking to my right as they came to understand something was wrong. I stared at Nyx a moment in disbelief. “You'll be there,” I said as if to convince myself.

  Nyx swallowed and looked down to Jakan's grave. “Kai, I hope you'll forgive me if I take some time away from this war. You've said before that any of the Renegades were free to leave at any time. I want to take you up on that offer.”

  “You said you were happy in this war with me,” I protested, thinking back to our conversation on the warship near Narangar.

  “And I was. Then...all this happened.” She threw a hand toward the graves.

  Tears burned my eyes. “I'm sorry if I hurt you yesterday—”

  “Don't...” Nyx held out a hand to stop me. “We both said things we might regret. That's not the point, and that's not why I need time off. I just need time, Kai. I mean...look at me, for fuck's sake.” She waved a hand before her fatigued body. “I don't want to even move. I feel like my head's in a fog. I've never gone through something like this before. Losing Jakan...” she trailed off, before exhaling thickly. “That little bastard and I did everything together these past few years. We worked together in the underground. We were stuck on that damned island together in the western isles. We spent a lot of time together causing chaos in T'ahal even before that when you were busy working. He was my best friend when you couldn't be.”

  I trembled with emotion that I was trying to prevent from tumbling forth. “I understand.”

  Nyx chuckled sadly as she watched a tear escape my eye. “No, you don't. Or you don't want to. You want me to come with you like I've done every other time, and you're trying to figure out a way to get me to change my mind.”

  I shook my head sadly. “I'd rather you come with me, but I would never force you to. I trust my friends to make their own decisions.” I sniffed back emotion. “I let Silas go.”

  “You did,” she agreed, looking away.

  “And I haven't seen Silas in five years,” I added, my chest tightening as I thought of the same thing happening to Nyx and me.

  “No, you haven't,” she agreed again.

  My heart was breaking all over again, and it had been nothing but thick scar tissue to begin with. “I love you, Nyx. I really mean that.”

  “I know.” Her black eyes came back to me. “I love you, too. That's part of the reason why I'm doing this. The more I'm around you, the more I'm feeding off of resentment and anger. And that's not who I am. That's not who I want to be. It's not healthy for either of us to continue on like we have.”

  I nodded. I agreed, but I didn't want to verbalize it.

  “Be careful in Glacia and beyond, Kai,” Nyx finally said, the words spilling out like they were a burden to her. “The last thing I need now is to get news of your death.” She lifted up a finger to wave it toward the other Renegades.
“Or any of you. Take care of each other, for gods' sake.”

  Nyx did not seem one for physical affection for the moment, so I didn't attempt to hug her. Our goodbyes were awkward and hesitant. I thought of Bjorn and Silas and hoped more than anything that Nyx would not end up like either of them.

  As our remaining group started to walk away from Welkin for good, Nyx waved goodbye before lying down beside Jakan's grave to watch the skies. That was my last view of her.

  I turned to face south with a broken heart. The necklace hanging over my chest was heavy with burdens. The Seran Renegades were finally returning to Mistral, but we only planned on reaching it in Dark Star. We would arrive almost a year late and with considerably fewer members.

  Thirty-five

  The broken Highland Pass appeared in our view a fortnight after leaving Welkin. The grasslands sprawled out before us in splotches of green and brownish-red. There were so many bodies that Zephyr's soldiers were still cleaning up the battlefield even now. Men and women clad in Eteri armor were going through casualties and scattered weapons, loading the dead upon wagons and scavenging all they could.

  The Sentinels were talking with each other, but I could barely hear them. My chest tightened when my eyes fell on the field where Jakan and Anto had died, and my pace slowed unintentionally. Despite my most desperate hopes, Nyx had not changed her mind. She hadn't caught up with us since we left Welkin, proving that her decision to separate from the group was final. All of the negativity and desperation of the past few weeks was catching up to me. It felt like I was moving through a fog of a nightmare. So much time had passed that I knew I wasn't going to wake up with everything back to normal. The war itself had irrevocably changed me. My power was now so great that it frightened even me. I could no longer pretend to fully control it. The land of Eteri was damaged. The cliffs were permanently broken and collapsed near the northern Highland Pass. My powers had won us the battle here against all the odds.