Where We Belong: Love Returns

by Melissa Tereze

  “You wanna just relax for a while and then we will figure out the rest of our day?”

  “Sounds perfect to me.” Olivia mumbles, her hand gripping my tee that little bit tighter. “You make everything seem less nerve-wracking than it is.”

  “Then I’m doing my job right.” I press a kiss to the top of her soft dark hair.

  “Y-Your job?” Deep brown eyes find mine.

  “As your girlfriend.”

  Deciding that nothing else needs to be said right now, my eyes close and I just enjoy this moment I’m sharing with Olivia. It won’t always be like this, and I’m prepared, but I’m taking this calmness while I can get it. I’m taking this peace and quiet before it all blows up…because I know it will. It’s inevitable.

  Chapter Six

  Olivia

  Waking to the sound of light breathing, I stretch my body out and try not to wake Mati. I’m not entirely sure how or why I’ve woken at her place, but I know it is the following day and I should probably be at the hotel I’m supposed to be staying at. She insisted I spend the night and she promised me that it would be okay, but what if she wakes this morning feeling differently about her decision to have me over? What if I’m getting way ahead of myself?

  I know I have to slow us down. I know because if I don’t, this is going to fall apart. We will reconnect and then I will fall apart. We will sleep together and then I will have an episode and Mati won’t be prepared for it. She won’t know how to deal with it. I know I should give her more credit than that, but when I’m having a bad day, there is no talking to me. There is no reasoning with me. I take myself out of the house and I drink. At the nearest bar. The nearest club. I don’t care where, providing it serves alcohol.

  I do try to refrain from behaving that way but it’s easier to forget. Drinking…it provides that escape. Of course, it provides one hell of a hangover too, but when I feel myself sinking, it's my go-to. It's my choice. It’s a choice I’m hoping to change sooner rather than later, but yesterday alone showed me that I’m not quite one hundred percent. My therapist says I’m in recovery for my depression, but what does that even mean? Is there such a thing as recovery?

  I guess there is. I just have to find the best possible solution for remaining in my recovery rather than ruining the hard work I put in back home. It wasn’t easy and I know it can be broken at any moment but I’m trying. I’m trying to forget about the fact that I’ve left Los Angeles and moved my life here. In a way, at least.

  I know I have things to do before I can finalize anything here, but do I need to be back in the US for that? I’m not ready to return to work any time soon but there are still things to think about. Visas. Work permits. I’m sure Mati can help me out with any of that and I know she will, but it’s still just another thing on my mind that I have to figure out. It's still something that will play on my mind. When that happens, my anxiety creeps in. An anxiety I didn’t even know I had until the panic attacks started. Two weeks after mom’s death, to be exact.

  Deciding that I’m thinking too hard, I slowly climb from my girlfriend’s bed and pull one of her hoodies over my body. It smells just like her and I can't help the smile that appears on my face. Glancing back, Mati is spread out on her stomach, her blonde hair splayed across her pillow and the side of her face.

  She’s gorgeous.

  Slipping out of the bedroom, I head for the staircase and hear movement downstairs. Mati says that Beth can be a little full on, but if I’m here to stay, I should probably get to know her people. Those who are in her life, whatever capacity that may be in.

  Taking the stairs slowly, I’m met with the same brunette who answered the door to me a couple of nights ago.

  “Mornin’, Love.”

  “Morning.” I stop dead in the kitchen. “You mind if I grab some coffee?”

  “Help yourself.” Beth smiles. “Just made a fresh pot.”

  “Great, thank you.”

  “Mati still sleepin’?” Beth leans back against the kitchen counter. “She is usually up and out by now.”

  “She is?” I furrow my brow. “You think she would want me to wake her?”

  “Nope,” Beth smirks. “She clearly needs her sleep right now…”

  “Uh, sure.” I clear my throat. “I’ll just finish this and get out of your way.” Pouring some coffee, I prepare a cup for Mati.

  “Don’t leave on my account.” Beth holds up her hand. “This is Mati’s place. I just take up one of the rooms.”

  “Still…” I sip the hot liquid in my hand, enjoying the aroma as it begins my waking up process. “I kinda sprung my arrival on you guys.”

  “She talked about you…”

  “Yeah?” I purse my lips, trying to fight back the smile I can feel forming.

  “Usually when she was drunk.” Beth shrugs. “I knew she missed you, though.”

  “Drunk talk is never good.” I sigh, running my fingers through my hair. “Right?”

  “Wrong.” Beth shakes her head in disagreement. “Drunk talk is when the truth comes out.”

  As much as I love Beth’s honesty about her time living with Mati, I’m not sure I want to hear any more. If Mati has discussed what happened, I don’t need to hear the opinion of someone I barely know…who is about to move out. I really don’t.

  “Don’t worry.” Beth squeezes my shoulder as she passes me by. “It was all good.”

  “Sure, yeah.” I clear my throat. “I should get back upstairs.”

  “Mm, you should.” Mati’s friend smirks.

  Okay, what is that about?

  “See you around, Beth.”

  Disappearing up the stairs with a coffee for Mati, I can hear her moving around in her room. Pushing the door open, she turns, her hand placed over her chest.

  “Thank god.” Mati breathes out. “I thought you’d left.”

  “Not yet.” I give my girlfriend a small smile as I hand over her coffee. “You know I can’t function without this stuff.”

  “Right.” She smiles back. “So, you have plans for the day?”

  “I’m not sure yet.” I shrug slightly. “Do you?”

  “I have to work.” Groaning, Mati drops down on the edge of the bed and runs her fingers through her hair. “Kinda wish I didn’t have to.”

  “You on location today or at the office?”

  “Office.”

  “Will you be finishing late?” I ask, desperately hoping that I can see Mati tonight.

  “No, I’m pretty much on top of my work here…so far.”

  “You always were.” My hand settles over Mati’s in her lap. “You were the only one I could ever count on to give me what I needed…when I needed it.”

  “My work is important to me.” She nods. “Always will be…”

  Is there some kind of hidden message in that comment?

  Studying her profile, Mati’s tired eyes find mine and she gives me a half smile. I know she thinks I’m leaving for home and I know she thinks I’m going to ask her to come back with me but neither of those is true. I told her I wanted a life with her and I know that has to be here in London. I’m prepared for that, even if it doesn’t feel like I am right now. In time, everything will fall into place.

  “You’ll call me if you want to see me this evening?”

  “Of course.”

  “Okay, well I should head back to the hotel.” I throw my thumb over my shoulder as I stand. “Can I grab a quick shower?”

  “Sure.” Mati stands. “Not before I kiss you, though…”

  Pulling me in by the waist, her arms wrap around my midsection loosely and we mold into one. Just like we always did. Nothing ever feels as good as having Mati against me and now isn’t any different. This…I’ve craved it for far too long. I’ve laid awake thinking about holding Mati. I’ve spent my days aching for her. Everything that she is. I fell in love with her for a reason, and that reason is how she makes me feel. Safe. Warm. Like I’m the best version of myself when I’m with her.

&nb
sp; Her lips brushing against my own, Mati grips my body tighter and her hand slips up the back of the hoodie I’m wearing. Her touch sending a shiver down my spine, I take her bottom lip between my teeth and a low moan rumbles in her throat.

  Her forehead rests against my own. “We have to stop.”

  “I know,” I whisper. “But I really don’t want to…”

  “Me neither.” Her lips pressing against my own once more, my hand wraps around the back of Mati’s neck and our kiss deepens.

  I have zero control right now but we both know that this should wait. We both know that we have all the time in the world to share this with one another. In time, this will be an hourly occurrence. In time, Mati will be the only thing on my mind.

  “We aren’t doing a very good job right now.” Mati’s words spoken breathlessly, her thumb grazes my jawline and my body trembles for her.

  “Promise I can see you tonight?”

  “I’ll come by the hotel, okay?” Giving me a soft, heartwarming smile, Mati creates a little space between us. “Go and take your shower.”

  “Mm, I think I need it.” I groan. “A cold one.”

  “Well, if Beth has already spent her usual three days in there…you will be getting a cold one whether you want it or not.”

  “Thanks for the heads up.”

  Throwing Mati a wink, I watch on in delight as she turns her back and lifts her tee from her body. Her naked back causing a throbbing between my legs, I close my eyes and center myself. I cannot be in this room with her while she is naked. I just can’t. Grabbing last night’s clothes from the single chair in the corner of the room, I rush out of Mati’s bedroom, my heart pounding in my chest.

  God, she really has to stop doing that.

  ***

  Last night was perfect. Mati x

  Smiling as I read the words on the screen of my cell, I feel like a teenager all over again. I know I still have a world of guilt inside me, but Mati has forgiven me and I’m slowly but surely beginning to do the same. What’s the use in beating myself up? It won’t help either of us. It won’t help our relationship get back on track.

  Felt like it should have. Liv x

  I’m finishing up at the office in the next thirty. Mati x

  Would be great to see you. Liv x

  I’m kind of done with sitting alone in this hotel room. After leaving Mati’s place earlier today, I knew I would miss her while she was working. That totally happened and if I’m being honest, I’m over it. I’m done with waiting for the right moment to just be happy with her. We should never have ended our relationship and sleeping beside her last night only confirmed that for me.

  Want me to bring anything? Mati x

  Just your perfect self. Liv x

  Smiling at how easy this all feels, I drop my cell down on top of the papers beside me. I’ve been doing some number crunching fuelled by coffee for most of the afternoon and judging by the figures I have in front of me, plus the money my mom left me…I’m okay here in London for quite some time yet. Having said that, I’m not sure my finances mean anything to me right now. Mati is the most important thing I have and no amount of money in the world, or the lack of, could keep me from being here with her.

  I’m on my way. Mati x

  Glancing down at the message on my screen, I close my laptop and sit back in my seat. How can a few simple words make me feel so good? Just…five words. Crazy, really. You know, how the human body responds. How the mind works. How a message from someone you love with every fiber of your being can just flare up every emotion inside of you. Crazy, but totally expected when Mati is in my life.

  Catching the screen of my cell, my thumb directs me to an old message and my heart sinks into the pit of my stomach. My mind…clouded.

  Go and get her, Olivia. You have such a big heart and Matilda deserves to own it. Be happy, Darling. It is all I want for you. I love you and I will see you soon. Mom x

  My breathing catching in my throat, it suddenly dawns on me that my mom will never see how happy I’m going to be with Mati. I know she already knew how much love I had for my girlfriend, but it still hurts. Knowing she won't be around to watch us make a life together here, it hurts more than I thought it would.

  I have to count myself lucky that I have someone so supportive by my side, though. Mati has been great since I told her about my mom’s passing, but I don’t want it to be the center focus of our relationship. My mom wouldn’t appreciate that and honestly, our issues began long before her death. Either way, I was still the one who ended our relationship. I was still the one who walked away from Mati. I’m the one who hurt her and the death of my mom was just a tragedy mixed in with the pain I was already feeling. The pain I’d already caused.

  Pulled from my thoughts, and my guilt, by a loud knock on my hotel room door, I brush away the tears I didn’t realize had fallen and stand. Approaching the door, I can already get that slight hint of vanilla from Mati. The softness of her scent. The calmness in her voice.

  Gripping the cool metal handle, I remove the obstacle between us and find Mati standing out on the landing, her hair pulled up out of her face and in a messy bun.

  “Hi.” She smiles, that right dimple popping.

  “Hey, you.”

  Gripping her wrist, I pull Mati inside and wrap my arms around her waist. Our lips connecting, I’m trying to be bold and I think it’s working. I don’t want my girlfriend to tip-toe around me. I don’t want her to worry about how I’m feeling whenever we meet. I just want us to be us again. Sure, it isn’t that simple, but it’s also not as hard as I imagined it would be.

  “Mm, that was some welcome.” Mati pulls back, her eyes narrowing. “What did you do?”

  “Huh? Nothing.” My brow creases in confusion. “Just…missed you.”

  “You’ve been crying.” She states the obvious. “Is everything okay?”

  “Yeah.” Pulling Mati further inside my suite, she tugs me back a little.

  “Hey, talk to me…”

  “Mati, I’m okay.” I turn to face her, my hand settling on the side of her face. “I found a message from mom, is all.”

  “Oh.” She lowers her eyes. “I’m sorry.”

  I appreciate that my girlfriend sometimes doesn’t know how to approach how I’m feeling, but that’s okay. She doesn’t need to worry. We don’t need to discuss this. I have my ways of coping and I’m okay with that. The less I think about what I used to have…the better I manage. It may not be the best coping mechanism in the world but it works for me. It works and that is the only thing that matters.

  “How was work?” I change the direction of our conversation.

  “Steady.” Mati drops her grey satchel to the floor. “Did you just hang here today?”

  “Mmhmm.” Preparing a fresh pot of coffee, I can feel my girlfriend's eyes on me. “Thought about heading out and taking a look around, though.”

  “Why didn’t you?”

  “Because I want that to be something we do together.” I turn to face Mati who is now sitting on the edge of the bed. “If you’re up for it?”

  “I am.” Her smile grows. “Can’t say I’m overly familiar with London myself.”

  “Uh, you’ve been here six months…what the hell have you been doing?”

  “Working.” Mati’s slim shoulders shrug. “And working some more…”

  “Okay.” I hold up my hand. “I know you’re a workaholic but seriously?”

  “I didn’t want to socialize,” Mati admits, sighing. “I didn’t want to even be here when I first arrived.”

  “I’m sorry.” I approach Mati, dropping to my knees in front of her. “I’m sorry I ruined this experience for you.” Taking her hands in my own, I press a kiss to her skin. “I promise to make it better for you, okay?”

  “It’s already better.” Leaning down, she presses a kiss to my nose and my eyes close. “Things can only improve from here on out, right?”

  “Right.” I agree. “You wanna stay the night with
me?”

  I really need her to say yes right now. She has to.

  “I’d like that.” Standing, Mati pulls me up to my feet and guides me towards the floor to ceiling window. “That place out there…” Her arms wrap around my waist from behind, her chin settling on my shoulder. “…it’s ours for the taking.”

  “God, I love you.”

  “I love you, too.”

  Chapter Seven

  Mati

  I don’t know the last time I slept so well. So soundly. Having Olivia beside me this morning when I woke up felt so good and I don’t think I can wake up without her ever again. We kinda fell into that natural routine of holding one another in the night and when I woke this morning, I was disappointed. I thought she had left.

  I know Olivia is trying and I know she wants things to be normal again, but she doesn’t have to do that. I just want her to be herself and everything else will fall into place. I want her to be the woman I couldn’t take my eyes off the moment I met her. The woman who had that air of confidence about her. How she carried herself around the studio. I want her to be the woman who chased me, and got me and fell for me.

  I don’t want her to beat herself up about our past for the rest of her life, or our relationship. She left, she came back…and now I’m over it. I really am. The time we’ve spent together over the last couple of days has been beautiful but I need her to not be here only to please me.

  I won’t lie, though…being alone with Olivia has been everything I’ve wanted since I left home. Since I agreed half-heartedly that long distance couldn’t work, I’ve wanted to lie in her arms and never let her go. Just like I am right now.

  Who doesn’t want to end a long day of editing and come home to the woman they love? Who doesn’t want to feel good about the path their life is about to take? When it is all I’ve dreamed about, I can’t lose it. I can’t lose her. It would be too painful to do this all over again, it really would.