When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
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JIM: They tried to operate on him, but as soon as they made an incision all the air rushed out of him. Death by deflation.
TOM: Poor guy.
ED: Yeah.
TOM: Hey, you know what we forgot? Lacrosse and polo.
SOARING AND PLUNGING IN THE MEDIA
One of my pet pursuits is keeping track of how the news media describe those things in the news that increase or decrease. I can generally rely on the fact that the same verbs will be used repeatedly in the same situations.
One of the first things I noticed is that while certain things skyrocket, others tend to mushroom. Medical costs skyrocket. The national debt doesn’t do that; it mushrooms. And, experts warn, if present trends continue, both of these things will eventually go through the roof.
But mushrooming is not the only thing the national debt does; it also balloons. There aren’t too many things that balloon. The annual budget deficit used to balloon, then for a while it didn’t balloon, now it balloons again. And, by the way, people can balloon, as well. I remember reading in the tabloids once that the actress Delta Burke had ballooned to some weight that, apparently, the publication found unacceptable.
So, thus far we’ve skyrocketed, mushroomed and ballooned. But let’s not forget snowballing. You know what snowballs? An investigation. What happens is, an inquiry becomes an investigation, and the investigation begins to snowball. And what does it snowball into? Right! A full-blown probe. And if the probe uncovers enough dirt, it could possibly mushroom into a full-blown scandal.
Then we have the case of swelled. During the 1990s, job rolls swelled. By the way, I’ve often wondered if those job rolls are at all similar to the welfare rolls we used to hear so much about. Just between you and me, I’ve never actually seen welfare rolls, but I’m sure that with a little margarine or jelly they’re quite delicious. And it’s certainly heartening to see the food stamp program working so effectively.
Getting back to our subject here, I’ve found that one of the best places to keep an eye on these “up and down” words is Wall Street. Financial reporting. For purposes of this activity, I’ll use hypothetical examples of economic activity that don’t actually reflect recent conditions. I can’t keep adjusting this material according to the whims of the economy. And besides, this is about language, not finance.
Just to review: We’ve already skyrocketed, mushroomed, ballooned, snowballed and swelled. Now, as we enter the world of Wall Street, we add a few simpler verbs: climb, surge and jump. “The stock market climbed today as prices surged on news that housing starts had jumped ten percent.” Lots of action.
Another big thing on Wall Street is soaring. “Stock prices soared today, as reports showed earnings were up sharply.” Or they may have shot upward. At any rate, upward is good. I remember one time hearing Lou Dobbs himself telling me that the Dow Jones Industrials had vaulted upward two hundred points. And, on the same day, not to be left too far behind, the long bond inched higher.
Then we have the very special case of spiraling. The nice thing about spiraling is that it can go in either direction. “As medical costs have spiraled upward, the quality of medical care has spiraled downward.” And not only do these two medical numbers spiral upward and downward, both of them are actually capable of spiraling out of control.
Spiraling downward brings us to the verbs for things that are falling. For some reason, downward verbs are more colorful than upward verbs. Downward is where we discover plunge, plummet and nosedive. You can always tell when a bull market is over, because housing starts plunge, new-car sales plummet and orders for durable goods take a nosedive. At a time like that, stock prices are usually on the verge of collapse.
Or, instead of collapsing, they may simply tumble, drop sharply or go into a tailspin. And if stock prices are in a tailspin, you can be sure it won’t be long before they find themselves in a dizzying free fall.
Continuing with bear markets, not all days are so dramatic. Occasionally, prices only dip slightly. Dip slightly is the opposite of edge higher.
And before we leave these words for increasing and decreasing, I would like to make special mention of beefed up. I remember reading once that, in anticipation of a visit by Yassir Arafat, security at the United Nations had been beefed up.
Arafat being a Muslim, of course, beef would be the preferred meat. You certainly wouldn’t want security to be porked up. I can think of any number of reasons why we wouldn’t want that. And by the way, if you’ve ever seen some of these security people, you know that the last thing they need is more pork. Or beef. Or food of any kind, for that matter.
Beefed up is one of those terms that has no exact opposite. Nothing ever gets beefed down. They never say, “Now that Arafat’s visit has concluded, security at the United Nations has been beefed down.” Doesn’t sound right. Instead, they say scaled back. Always remember, anything that’s been beefed up can be scaled back. Although occasionally, for variety’s sake, rather than scaled back the item may be pared down.
Hiked and trimmed are two more good “up and down” examples. Quite often, during the same session of Congress, defense spending will be hiked while education spending is trimmed. And sometimes, if Congress is in a really bad mood, education spending is slashed, and defense spending skyrockets.
Well, we’ve gone from sky-high to rock bottom and we seem to be winding down now, so let me add one last item: I think I may have figured out the difference between ramping up and ratcheting up. I’m pretty sure that while ramping up takes place on a continuum, ratcheting up is more a series of increments. But I do find it interesting that, as with the beef situation, I rarely hear of ramping or ratcheting down.
As for me, I’m at wit’s end.
PROBLEMS AND ISSUES
As you know, people no longer have problems in this country, they have issues. This shift grows out of our increasingly desperate need to shade the truth and see things as more positive than they really are. Problems sound negative and ordinary; issues sound important, worthy of attention. People are proud to announce them: “I have issues.” They feel superior to others who haven’t made the switch: “Poor fuck. He has problems. I have . . . issues!” To feel extra superior they may even pair it with some other trendy upgrade: “He has a drug problem, I have chemical dependency issues.”
As with everything in American culture, the use of the word spread indiscriminately to the point where it, of course, lost all its usefulness: During the murder case in San Francisco in 2001 in which two dogs mauled a woman to death, one of the neighbors said, “Everyone knew those dogs had issues with females.” Commercials picked it up: L’Oreal says, “Mature skin has issues all its own.” An adult diaper commercial informs me that “Many women have bladder-control issues.”
So now people have all these issues: trust issues, boundary issues, abandonment issues, personal-space issues. Clearly, I have a problem with this word, but problem has lost its power, cheapened by the careless use of expressions like, “What’s your problem?” “You got a problem with that,” “No problem,” and, for those truly in a hurry, “No prob.”
I needed a new word, and I refuse to say “issues.” So, instead, I turned to that ultimate source of creative language-bending, our nation’s capital. I heard a prominent senator, when asked if some issue presented a problem for him, say, “Well, it’s not a problem, but it is a concern.” And I thought, Wow, another choice for people who refuse to acknowledge problems. I adopted it immediately. But I hope concern doesn’t catch on to the point where it becomes a problem. After all this trouble, I’d hate to have to deal with concern issues.
THE SECRET NEWS (News ticker sound effect)
ANNOUNCER: (whispering)
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for the Secret News.
(News ticker gets louder.)
ANNOUNCER: Shhhhh!
(Ticker lowers.)
ANNOUNCER:
Here is the Secret News:
All people are afrai
d.
No one knows what they’re doing.
Everything is getting worse.
Some people deserve to die.
Your money is worthless.
No one is properly dressed.
At least one of your children will disappoint you.
The system is rigged.
Your house will never be completely clean.
All teachers are incompetent.
There are people who really dislike you.
Nothing is as good as it seems.
Things don’t last.
No one is paying attention.
The country is dying.
God doesn’t care.
Shhhhh.
Contents
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
PREFACE
George’s Holiday Message
Chapter 2
A Note of Appreciation
When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
Copyright © 2004 Comedy Concepts, Inc.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without the written permission of the Publisher. For information address Hyperion, 77 West 66th Street, New York, New York 10023-6298.
ISBN 1-4013-8174-X
First eBook Edition: October 2004