Fighting Silence

by Aly Martinez

  “Pull your fucking head out of your ass and stop being such a pussy. You living in this ridiculous-ass fantasy world is fucking up reality for the rest of us. Including her.” He strode to his room, slamming the door behind him.

  “Christ.” I dropped my head into my hands, feeling more lost than ever.

  “For the record, are you not going to yell at him for cussing?”

  “Get out of here, Q.”

  “I’m just saying that—”

  “Go!” I barked, and he wandered down the hall, joining Flint in their bedroom.

  “What the fuck am I doing?” I whispered to myself, but Eliza wasn’t there to answer for me. She’d know exactly how to fix this.

  I sat on those stairs for well over three hours. I repeatedly flipped through the pages of her sketchbook, tracing my fingers over the lines just because I knew her hands were the ones that had drawn them. It mildly calmed the chaos in my mind.

  Finally, around ten, she came strolling up the sidewalk—surprisingly alone.

  “Hey,” I said, taking in her sexy, red heels and hating Bailey that much more because he’d gotten to enjoy them.

  “Hey,” she replied, nervously twirling her ponytail.

  I sighed. “Really, Doodle? Derrick?” I shook my head in disappointment—at myself.

  “He’s not a bad guy, Till. He’s actually pretty nice.”

  “Sure.” I nodded. “But why him? Is this to get back at me? Some sort of punishment for not giving you what you want? Because you should know, it’s working. Really fucking well.” I laughed without humor.

  “I’m not trying to punish you.” She stopped and tilted her head from side to side. “Well, maybe not completely.” She smiled, and it hurt so damn much.

  That smile was an oasis for me. I knew it would vanish, but it would tease and taunt me while it lasted.

  “Right.” I took a deep breath. “I don’t have the right to ask this, but I’m doing it anyway. Please don’t go on a second date with him. Doodle, that guy is no good. This is not coming from a jealous place. I just don’t want to see someone as amazing as you getting mixed up with a scumbag like that.”

  She gave me a knowing look. “Not a jealous place?”

  “Well, maybe not completely.” I chuckled, and tears sprung to her eyes. “Come here.”

  She didn’t move, so I closed the distance between us and folded her into my arms.

  “I’m so sorry I fucked this up. Just tell me how to fix it.”

  She sniffled and backed away. “Open your eyes, Till. I’m sick of letting the Earth spin under my feet while you circle around me. We belong together, but if that isn’t going to happen, I have to start moving on.” She paused to wipe away the tears that were steadily dripping off her chin. “I don’t want to live in a world where the windows are locked and the Page boys don’t eat me out of house and home. So I am begging you, Till. Wake. Up.”

  I didn’t have a chance to find the words to reply before she walked away.

  I made my way back to my apartment and crashed into bed. I was exhausted, but I never found sleep that night. I also couldn’t figure out how to wake up either.

  “Whoa! Take it easy. I just bought that bag.” Slate laughed as I pounded my aggression out. “I’m closing up in five. Go get changed and get out of here.”

  I stopped and shook out my arms. “You mind if I stay for a little while longer? I’ll lock up when I leave.”

  “What’s going on with you? You spent the better part of the night terrorizing my equipment, then you left with the boys, and less than an hour later, you’re back alone. Don’t get me wrong. I like the dedication. But there has to be more to this.”

  I let out a huff and stared down at the ground. “Derrick’s car was parked at my apartment when I got home. I just can’t go back there right now.”

  “What’s he doing at your place?”

  “He’s not. He’s at Eliza’s.”

  Slate’s eyebrows shot up as understanding crossed his face. “Did you two break up?”

  “Who? Me and Eliza? We were never together.”

  Slate barked out a laugh. “Sorry, buddy, but I think you were the only one who believed that.”

  “No. Seriously. We’re just friends.”

  “Well, of all the times I’ve seen you two together, she wasn’t just anything to you.”

  “Whatever.” I blew him off, but only because I knew he was right.

  “So, what’s your hang-up with Derrick being there, then?”

  Now that I could answer. “I fucking hate that guy. I don’t want him anywhere near her.”

  “Yeah, I heard you two went at it a few weeks ago.”

  My head snapped to his.

  Before then, he hadn’t mentioned a single word to me or Flint about that night at the gym. Slate had a strict “no fighting outside of the ring” policy, so I’d figured we would have for sure heard about it if he’d caught wind.

  “Yeah. About that—” I started, but I was quickly interrupted.

  “So, you’d be okay if it were any other guy at her place?”

  “You got eyes for my girl, Slate?” I smarted back, and he laughed. “Nah. But it’s definitely worse because it’s him.”

  “I get that.” He squeezed my shoulder. “Okay, stay as long as you want. Take it easy on my bag though.” He shot me a smile as he turned to walk away.

  “She wants more,” I blurted. I needed someone to talk to, and the speed bag just wasn’t cutting it.

  He turned back to face me, crossing his arms over his chest and signaling for me to explain.

  “What if we took it to that next level and it didn’t work out? I’d lose her for good. But I can’t get her to understand, so I’m afraid it’s gonna happen anyway.” I tucked a glove under my arm and tugged it off.

  “You want advice or you just want me to listen?”

  “Advice. Please. Anything.”

  “You’re going to lose her no matter what you do.”

  “Wow. You are terrible at this,” I snarked.

  “Till, she’s not the girl you hung out with in high school anymore. One of two things is gonna to happen. Either you take the next step and make her your woman or you sit back and watch someone else do it. It’s gonna happen regardless of how much you try to fight it though. If it’s not Derrick, it will be someone else.”

  “No. She’s dated in the past, but she’s never gotten serious with anyone.”

  “She’s not a kid anymore though. She’s twenty-one years old and starting to make plans for the future. People don’t stay the same forever, especially women. But you have to face the facts that you can’t lose that girl you’re so desperate to hang on to . . . She’s already gone.”

  “She’s not gone!” I shouted as the panic began to set in.

  “Yeah, she is, son. You need to let go of whatever you two had before and make something new. I’m not saying you have to marry Eliza, but I think you need to figure out what you want before you find yourself sitting in a church, watching her marry someone else.” Slate walked forward, swinging his keys around his finger. “And you better figure it out fast, because women like her don’t stay single long.”

  I didn’t have a response as he backed away. The fact that someone hadn’t already swooped Eliza off her feet was a miracle in and of itself. But she’d always made it clear that she loved me. It was stupid and naïve, but I hadn’t worried that she would end up with anyone else. The scenario of watching her get married seemed so farfetched that I couldn’t even conjure the image.

  So, instead of focusing on Eliza’s imaginary wedding, I closed my eyes and pictured my life with someone else.

  I WAS ECSTATIC WHEN I heard the unexpected knock on my apartment door. But when I opened it, I felt a deep sense of disappointment when I found Derrick standing on my welcome mat. He’d brought Chinese food to apologize for having to dash after our date the night before. Little did he know, but that had been my favorite part of the entire date. My
manners won out and I invited him in.

  We’d hung out and talked for a couple hours. It had been a fine evening. Not great. Just fine. When I made the excuse that I was getting tired, he took the hint. I offered him a chaste hug at the door, but he had other ideas. His lips softly brushed mine, and instead of feeling the spark of excitement that should precede a first kiss, I cringed. He didn’t seem to notice, so with promises of a date the next night, I hurried him out.

  Derrick was a nice enough guy. He was charming and all that crap, but there was no chance in hell we would ever turn into more. He was no Till. I was afraid no one ever would be though.

  I was lying on my couch, fighting my hands as eyes flowed from the charcoal, when yet another unexpected knock at the door startled me.

  “Um . . . who is it?”

  “It’s me.” Till’s voice shook on two simple syllables.

  I snatched the door open, praying that it would be the moment I’d been waiting for, but his feet never even shuffled forward.

  “I’m ready to let us go,” he announced abruptly.

  Never in my life had I felt a pain so deeply.

  My heart seized.

  My bones ached.

  My soul withered.

  “What?” I squeaked.

  “We’re not the same anymore. I get it. It’s my fault. I’ll own it.” His eyes were as hollow as my chest felt. “Eliza, I can’t do this anymore.”

  Eliza. Oh, God.

  Every nightmare I’d ever had was playing out in front of me.

  “Stop.” I choked out around the lump in my throat.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Is this because of Derrick? Nothing happened, Till,” I rushed out.

  “No. It’s not that. I should have done this a long time ago.”

  “Why are you doing this?” I cried, barely holding myself together.

  Then it happened.

  The most unlikely one-sided smile grew on his mouth, breathing new life into his empty expression.

  “Because I’m ready for a new reality . . . with you.”

  With one sentence and two steps, forever began. Till Page walked through my door for the very first time.

  My mouth gaped open as I blinked rapidly, expecting the visual in front of me to vanish. I should have been elated, but I was so fucking confused.

  “I don’t know how to react right now. Are you coming or going?”

  “Both.” He folded me into his chest.

  I went willingly, needing the comfort and strength I knew his arms could provide.

  “I’ve been fighting for years to keep us inside the safety of my comfort zone, but during that time, everything changed. You changed, the world changed, our situations changed, our desires changed. But I wasn’t willing to change with them. I’m sorry. I’m an idiot.”

  “You really are.” I sucked in a shaky breath.

  “So I’m giving up on that part of us. I quit. I want to start over with a new relationship, preferably one where I get to touch you. Naked. A lot.”

  I laughed through the tears.

  “I love you, Eliza Reynolds, and if I had my way, I’d lock you up in a room and keep you all for myself. But if you insist on doing that whole ‘living a real life’ thing, I want to go with you.”

  “Kidnapping and imprisonment. So romantic.” I sniffled, and it was Till’s turn to laugh. I took a deep breath, filling my lungs with the promises that infused his words. Then I leaned away and looked into his eyes. “Are you really serious about this?”

  “Absolutely.”

  “Are you freaking out about this?”

  “Absolutely,” he exhaled, causing us both to laugh.

  “What if I said I don’t want you anymore?”

  His smile fell and his eyes narrowed causing my eyes to narrow in return. A classic stare-off ensued.

  Unblinking, he slid a hand down and squeezed my ass. “Then you’d be lying to us both.”

  I held his hazel eyes, unwilling to look away, but I was scared that, one day, I wouldn’t have a choice. His grand entry through the door had been amazing, but it hadn’t cured my anxiety.

  “I need you to swear to me that this isn’t one of your impulsive, half-assed decisions, because I can’t handle that, Till. I need this to be real.”

  Leaning forward, he lost the staring match as he captured my mouth. It was a really good kiss, but it wasn’t an answer. I tried to move out of his grasp, but his arms tightened around me.

  “She was terrible,” he whispered.

  “Who?”

  “My wife.”

  My head snapped back. “Excuse me?”

  “Her name was Natasha. She talked all the time and was addicted to shoes. Flint and Quarry hated her, but that was okay because she hated them more. She bit her nails, so it didn’t feel very good when she scratched my head. Her boobs were a decent size, but there wasn’t a single freckle on them.” He sucked in a dramatic breath before playfully choking out, “She didn’t even know how to make those cheesy potatoes. It was torture.” He smiled then grazed his teeth across my neck.

  “What the hell are you talking about?” I snapped, not even remotely amused by his little story.

  “I spent the last hour envisioning the nightmare I would eventually find myself in if I didn’t get my shit together and actually wake up. It was easily the worst hour of my entire life. It’s just . . . I’ve been trying to keep this overwhelming need to have you separate from our friendship for so long, Eliza. But the lines are all blurred, because our friendship is why I fell for you so hard in the first place. See, I love these.” He brushed the back of his hand over my peaked nipples.

  I gasped.

  “And this.” He slid his hand down to my ass. “And I especially love this.” He slipped a hand into my pajama pants and lazily glided a finger through my folds.

  I sucked in a breath, and he groaned as he dropped his forehead to mine.

  “But even if all of that was suddenly gone, I would still be madly in love with you. I wanted to spend forever with you at thirteen. Nothing has or ever will change that. Eliza, I love you. And I am unquestionably serious about spending the rest of my life with you.”

  They were really good words.

  But Till Page was saying them . . . to me.

  They were perfect words.

  It was the truth.

  All of it.

  “I love you too,” she said with tears rolling down her cheeks.

  I wanted to wipe them away . . . but . . . my hand was still moving in her pants. It was a serious conundrum.

  I pressed a soothing kiss to her mouth and whispered against her lips, “You have to stop crying. I can’t put the moves on you if you’re bawling.”

  She laughed, but cried even harder. It was an easy decision at that point.

  With two hands, I scooped her off her feet and carried her to the couch. She clung to my neck as I sat down with her on my lap.

  “You swear this is real, Till?”

  “Well, I’m not exactly an expert on reality.”

  She laughed into my neck.

  “But, Eliza, it’s absolutely real to me.”

  Lifting her head, she stared into my eyes. “I love you.”

  “I love you too.” I gently took her mouth in a slow kiss.

  Although it started out slow, Eliza took it deeper as she moved to straddle my lap. Then, dropping her hands from the hold on my neck, I lost her mouth as she murmured, “Show me.”

  In one fluid movement, she peeled the T-shirt over her head, revealing her lack of a bra, and my cock instantly grew between us. “I could touch you all day long and it wouldn’t even be close to showing you how I feel.”

  She sucked my bottom lip into her mouth, releasing it on a sexy sigh. “Well, I think you should try.”

  I absolutely agreed with her. She stood from my lap as I dragged her pants down. I wasn’t happy until she was completely naked—just the way I imagined her every night before I fell asleep. But ev
en as she stood in front of me, I couldn’t picture anything except Derrick’s hands on her every curve.

  She settled back on my lap, her breasts swaying from the movement.

  I dipped a finger between her legs. “Did he touch you here?”

  “No.”

  “Here?” I glided a hand up to squeeze her breast.

  “No.”

  I trailed the tip of my finger up to her neck as she tilted her head to the side, her eyes falling shut. “No,” she breathed.

  I gently rubbed my thumb over her bottom lip. “Here?”

  Her eyes popped open. She didn’t respond, but that was answer enough.

  “Never again.” I kissed her. “No one ever touches these again.” I teased my tongue over her bottom lip before sucking it into my mouth. “Yeah?”

  “Yeah,” she agreed, brushing her nose against mine pleading for more—more that I absolutely planned to give her. “Now, lets see what we can do about that kiss.”

  I roughly pushed a hand into the back of her hair, causing her to gasp. Then, while her mouth was still open, I took it in a hard, unapologetic kiss. Our tongues tangled as I used her hair to control the pace. She was hurried, but I was steady. There was no rush in eternity.

  “Forever.” I moaned into her mouth while she rocked against my cock, which was unfortunately still tucked away in my jeans. “Say it.” I demanded, lifting my hips to increase the pressure.

  “Why aren’t you naked?” she groaned, taking my mouth in another hard kiss, as her hand traveled down to the button on my jeans.

  “Because I’m erasing where that asshole touched you. Then we’re spending the rest of the night rewriting it the way it should’ve been. I may’ve been the first, but this time when I make you come I want to know I’ll be the last. Now, fucking tell me it’s forever.”

  A slow, sexy smile crossed her lips. “You’ve always been forever for me.”

  “No matter how bad I fuck things up, we make this work. Forever.”

  Her smile grew. “Stop freaking out and start rewriting.”

  “Eliza . . .”

  “Till, shut up.” She peppered kisses over my face. “Forever. Forever. Forever. I swear to love you, Till Page. Even if you fuck it up. ” She leaned back to catch my eyes. “Better?”