by Lisa Heidke
‘We won’t know about the car until the police examiner gets back to us, and Steve said that could take a week or more,’ Tom said.
Jesse’s house looked so normal, suburban. The garden was messy and green; a couple of bikes lay haphazardly on the veranda. Staring at the bikes, it struck Louisa how much she’d missed in the last few years—birthdays, Christmases, school plays … The truth was, she didn’t know her own niece and nephew. They’d been scared of her when she’d seen them at the hospital. It was beyond sad.
As for Jesse, Louisa prayed it wasn’t too late to prove that they could be best friends again.
‘What are you waiting for?’ said Dot as Louisa hovered just inside the front door. ‘Come on.’
Louisa followed her mother down the hall into the kitchen. There was an open packet of bread, a tub of margarine and a jar of Vegemite sitting on the bench. She put them all in the fridge while Dot put dirty plates and cutlery into the dishwasher.
Louisa did a quick scan of the area. ‘Where do they keep the CDs?’
‘In the TV room,’ Dot replied, pointing to a room off to the side.
The top of the entertainment unit was covered with framed photographs of Jesse and the kids at various ages: Ollie in soccer garb, kicking a ball; Em in a black and white netball uniform lunging at the hoop. Jesse’s kids were so adorable … and far too young to lose their mother.
Outside, Tom beeped the car horn. Shaking off her fear, Louisa opened the cabinet doors and grabbed an armful of CDs.
Five minutes later, they were waiting at the school pick-up zone.
‘Let’s try to be happy for Ollie and Emily’s sake,’ Dot said when they saw the twins appear.
‘Are we going to see Mum now?’ Ollie asked as he and Emmy clambered into the back seat.
‘Sure are,’ Louisa said, putting on an exaggerated happy face. ‘And I picked up her favourite music, too.’
Dot attempted some chat about how the twins’ day had been, but neither was interested. Like the rest of them, they were anxious to get to the hospital and see Jesse.
As they drove, Louisa watched people going about their usual daily business: walking in and out of the butcher’s shop, the chemist, the newsagency. It seemed weird that for everyone else, life went on as normal. Meanwhile, their world had fallen to pieces. And they had questions … so many questions …
‘Nanna, what happens when you die?’ Emily asked as they walked through the hospital doors. ‘The kids at school say it’s like a big black hole that goes on forever.’
‘Who said that? What a load of rubbish. Heaven is a beautiful place, full of gardens and nature.’
‘What about hell?’ Ollie said as they rode the elevator to the third floor.
‘Hell’s only for bad people.’
‘Mum, how can you say that?’ Louisa said.
‘What? Hell is for bad people,’ Dot said, indignant. ‘I mean really bad people, Oliver. Like murderers, like Hitler—’
‘Not Mum?’
‘Of course not.’
‘Ollie,’ Louisa said, ‘I don’t think there is such a place as hell.’
‘Neither do I,’ Grandma Milly chimed in. ‘The afterlife is like one big holiday with lots of happy, smiling friends, lots of singing and everyone eating lollies and cake.’
‘Mother, really,’ said Dot.
‘What do you think, Auntie Louisa?’
Before she could answer, they’d reached Jesse’s room and everyone went quiet. The afternoon sun had made the room brighter and warmer than it had been this morning. Ollie was the first to approach Jesse. He took her hand and put his head down on the bed beside her. After a few moments, he turned around to Louisa. ‘Are you thinking about heaven?’
‘Oh,’ she said, choking back tears. ‘Yes … I think heaven must be a happy place where people who’ve died watch over and guide us.’
‘Like angels?’
‘Yes, just like angels.’
‘Do you think Mummy will be an angel soon?’
‘Goodness, I hope not. Maybe far, far in the future.’
‘What if you have a really bad person guiding you?’ Ollie continued.
‘There aren’t any bad people when you die,’ Louisa said.
‘Then where do all the bad people go?’ asked Emily.
‘Yeah,’ Ollie said. ‘We don’t want them hurting Mum.’
‘No one’s going to hurt your mum, Ollie. Besides, she’s not going to die.’
‘Do you know that for sure?’
Before Louisa could answer, Dot rushed in with, ‘Of course we do. Now, come on. Why don’t you tell your mum about your day at school? She’d love to hear all about that. Emily, you start.’
‘My class said prayers for Mummy … and I read a book. My teacher said I didn’t have to do any work today, but I wanted to.’
‘I drew Mummy some pictures,’ said Ollie. ‘But I left them in the car.’ He stroked Jesse’s hand and whispered, ‘Don’t be lonely, Mummy. I love you always. I do.’
Louisa could see the kids’ talk was upsetting her parents. Dot was sniffing back tears while Tom was blinking furiously in an effort to stem his.
‘Who wants to come with me down to the chapel?’ said Dot suddenly.
No one responded.
‘Emily? Ollie?’ Dot asked.
‘I want to stay with Mummy,’ said Ollie.
‘You come then, Emily,’ Dot said. ‘Grandma will come, too, won’t you?’
‘If I must,’ Milly replied.
‘Then we’ll put some fresh water in those vases, okay?’ Dot said to Emily as they walked out of the room together.
‘How about you put some music on, Louisa,’ said Tom moments later.
‘I was just thinking the same thing. Oliver, do you want to help me set up the CD player? Then you can choose some music you think Mum would like to listen to.’
Ollie’s eyes stayed firmly on Jesse.
‘I’ve got lots of CDs,’ Louisa went on. ‘Your mum sure likes Robbie Williams. She’s got a zillion of his CDs.’
‘Yeah, she loves him,’ he agreed distractedly.
Louisa showed him the plastic bag full of CDs. ‘Any one in particular?’
‘She likes them all. Maybe this one,’ he said, pulling it out. ‘I gave her this for her birthday. She says it’s her favourite.’
‘Great choice.’
She helped Ollie put the CD player on the table and popped the music in. ‘Your mum will love this,’ she said as Robbie Williams’s voice kicked in with ‘Better Man’.
Louisa and Tom sat in silence and listened to the music while Ollie rubbed his mother’s hand.
‘Mum wouldn’t leave me, not if she didn’t have to,’ Ollie said. ‘She loves me.’
‘Of course she does,’ said Louisa. ‘She loves you and Emily more than anything in the world.’
‘And you don’t leave somebody if you love them, right? You just don’t.’ Ollie stamped his right foot three times on the carpet.
Louisa and her dad glanced at each other.
‘You just … hey, did you see that? Mum just squeezed my hand. She squeezed my hand! She’s waking up!’ shouted Ollie, tears streaming down his red cheeks.
‘Quick. Call the doctor,’ Louisa said to Tom, but he was already out the door.
Within moments, Doctor Thompson and several other doctors and nurses appeared in the room and began examining the monitors around Jesse. Steve followed close behind. Louisa assumed he must have just arrived.
‘We’ll run some tests,’ Doctor Thompson said, ‘but before you get too excited, you need to know that sometimes a patient in a coma may exhibit behaviour that mimics conscious behaviour. For instance, they may turn their head towards a sound or squeeze someone’s hand. But it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a purposeful movement.’
Louisa could see that Ollie was looking more and more distressed as the reality dawned on him that Jesse wasn’t going to leap out of bed any time soon.
St
eve saw it, too. ‘Ollie, let’s go and have a milkshake,’ he said.
The little boy’s eyes remained fixed on Jesse. ‘I want to stay here with Mum.’
‘Come on, let’s leave the doctors to check on Mummy and go for a walk. You can tell me about your day.’
Steve looked tired and, Louisa hated to admit it, sad.
‘Okay,’ Ollie said. He turned to Louisa. ‘You’ll look after her, Auntie Louisa?’
Louisa nodded. ‘Yes, Pop and I will.’
Ollie took Steve’s hand and they left together. Tom waited until they were out out of earshot before speaking.
‘So what exactly are you saying?’ he asked the doctor.
‘It’s certainly encouraging,’ Doctor Thompson said, ‘but I don’t want to give you false hope. Maybe her hand squeeze was purposeful, but it could also have been an involuntary movement that she had no control over.’
Louisa’s heart sank. ‘You’ll run more tests?’ she asked.
Doctor Thompson nodded. ‘Now, if you’ll excuse me.’ He left the room, the other doctors and nurses trailing behind him.
Tom shook his head and banged his fist on the table next to the CD player. ‘There must be something more we can do.’
Louisa reached out to hug him and he collapsed, sobbing, into her arms. She felt useless. This was so unfair.
‘Dad, I’m really sorry about everything,’ she said. ‘What I mean is—’
‘I know what you mean, Lou. I’m sorry, too. I could have handled the situation better.’
‘No—’
‘Yes, I could have. I’m your father. I treated you unfairly and I’m sorry.’
This was the longest conversation she’d had alone with her father in years. It made her feel sad for all the time they’d lost.
‘Am I the reason you haven’t been back?’ he asked.
She could see how hurt he was, the tragedy of Jesse’s accident compounding his grief and sadness. She didn’t want to add to that.
‘No.’
‘Then why, Louisa? Why did you stay away so long?’
‘I’m sorry,’ she said, her voice breaking. ‘I thought you wouldn’t want to see me. I was ashamed … I’m still ashamed. My own father knowing …’
Tom hugged her. ‘I don’t care about that. It’s all in the past. I care about my family. You are my daughter and I love you. Have always loved you, no matter what.’
Louisa felt hot tears falling down her cheeks.
‘I’m glad you finally made it back to us, Looey-boo. I’m just sad it’s under these circumstances.’
They both turned to look at Jesse again, and Louisa thought she saw a brief flicker of movement.
‘Dad, I think her eyes just fluttered!’
fter dropping Louisa home, I spent the afternoon dithering, picking up groceries, running errands, doing anything I could to distract myself from thinking about Jesse. I drove halfway to the mountains with the radio turned up full volume just so I wouldn’t have to think. But of course none of it worked. Jesse was always on my mind. I felt so bloody guilty that she was lying in hospital in a coma. It was my fault. If only I’d stayed with Jesse after Liz sacked her.
By the time I got home, it was well after five. June was out the front, raking leaves.
‘June!’ I walked over and took the rake from her. ‘Give me that! It’s blazing hot out here. You should be resting.’
‘All I do is rest. I like to keep busy.’
‘At least come inside and have a cold drink or a cup of tea.’
‘Good idea,’ she said. ‘How’s Jesse?’
‘No change, I’m afraid. The doctors were running more tests as I was leaving. The good news is that her sister’s arrived from the States.’
June nodded and took a seat at the kitchen bench. I busied myself filling the kettle with water.
‘It’s just so tragic. I keep thinking about Oliver and Emily.’
‘You never know what’s around the corner,’ she said.
I shook my head. ‘No, you don’t. So how are you feeling? You’re looking bright.’
‘Stella, I’m not an invalid. I’m feeling fine. And I’m not going crazy either.’
‘I never said you were crazy.’
‘Really? Then why all the memory tests with your doctor friend?’
‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’
‘Don’t give me that. Those tests weren’t run-of-the-mill. They were specific tests for Alzheimer’s. I know. I’ve done them before. It’s not as if I haven’t been worried about it myself.’
‘June, I’m sorry. I thought you might fly off the handle or get embarrassed. Or worse, not know what I was talking about. It was wrong of me.’
June raised her eyebrows. ‘I’ll say.’
I poured boiling water into the teapot and took a couple of cups from the cupboard. ‘Come and sit out on the deck.’
‘I know I can be absent-minded and forgetful,’ she said once we were settled, ‘but I’m old. I can’t be bothered remembering every specific detail of all the thousands of things I’ve done or am doing. Not to mention keeping up with everyone else’s dramas. And I still think Terry was a fool to leave you.’
‘It was mutual.’
‘I know, but I don’t think it’s ideal.’
We sat in companionable silence for a while.
‘I can’t bear the thought of Jesse lying in hospital, lifeless,’ I told her.
‘Then don’t,’ she said. ‘Imagine her doing something she loves, like being with her children or working at the library. Thinking about her lying in some God-awful hospital room isn’t going to help anyone, least of all Jesse. You need to stay positive; it’s your only hope of getting through this.’
‘You’re right,’ I said, just as my mobile started ringing. I checked the caller identification. ‘Terry,’ I mouthed to June as I pressed the answer button. ‘Hey, what’s up?’
‘Just checking in.’
‘That’s nice.’
‘How’s Jesse?’
‘No change. The doctors are running more tests. How are things with you?’
‘Not so good, I’m afraid.’
June started clearing the cups away. ‘Leave those,’ I whispered. ‘Just sit down and read the paper.’
‘Is that Mum? How is she?’
‘Very good.’ I smiled. ‘Excellent. Now, about you not being so good: why?’
‘Things aren’t working out with Amanda.’
‘But you’ve only been living with her a couple of weeks.’
June rolled her eyes and walked into the kitchen taking empty tea cups with her.
‘And she wants to marry you,’ I whispered so that June wouldn’t hear.
‘Exactly. Too much pressure. Can I come home?’
‘Which home? This home? My home?’
‘Yes.’
‘The short answer is no. I’m sorry, Terry.’
‘But why? I don’t want to live with Amanda.’
‘Then don’t. Live by yourself.’
‘I can’t do that,’ he said, sounding bemused by the notion. ‘I’d be alone. I don’t want to be alone, Stella.’
‘What’s the alternative? Find a replacement and move in with her?’
‘Funny. No. After everything that’s happened, I thought that maybe you and I could try again?’
Oh, Terry. I loved him. I truly did. He was the father of my children and a damn fine father at that. As much as the kids went on about him, they loved him, too. But as for us resuming our marriage? Not a chance. Terry was one of my closest, dearest friends and I hoped he’d always remain so, but the idea of having sex with him again? Well, that wasn’t going to happen, no matter how many tequilas I slammed down.
‘Tempting as that is, I’m afraid my answer is still no,’ I said. ‘Regardless of any problems you’re having with Amanda, running back to me isn’t going to solve anything.’
‘Really, Stella, you can be so hard. Can I speak to Mum, please?’
‘Thanks.’
I found June hovering by the kitchen sink, handed her the phone and left them to talk in private.
Terry was a good bloke. He’d always be in my life, but I didn’t tingle any more when I thought about him. Not the way I tingled when I thought about Mike. Maybe, just maybe, I could give it a go with him. The timing was rotten, the kids would object, but if we kept it quiet for a while until we were both really sure, then maybe. All I knew was that I wanted to keep an open mind, and if Mike wanted to take me out to dinner, that wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
•
I was in bed reading that night when Mike called. Date call, I thought, then checked the bedside clock. Ten thirty. A bit late for chit-chat. He was really pushing the boundaries of good manners. But the thought vanished instantly at his first words after ‘hello’.
‘I think I might have good news for you.’
‘What? Really?’
‘Yes, really. Jesse’s eyes fluttered open three times this evening. She’s definitely showing signs of emerging from the coma.’
‘I’m coming straight in.’
‘Hang on,’ he said. ‘I’m not saying she’ll wake up in the next hour or two. She’s still not responding to requests to squeeze her hand or blink. But the signs are encouraging.’
‘That’s good enough for me.’
I hung up, threw on a pair of jeans and a T-shirt and raced over to Carly’s. I had to knock several times before Brett finally answered.
‘What’s up?’ he said, looking dazed.
‘It’s Jesse,’ I said breathlessly. ‘She might be waking up.’
‘Waking up?’ said Carly, emerging from the guest room. ‘What are we waiting for, then?’
She and Brett were obviously having problems, but now wasn’t the time to ask. We needed to focus on Jesse and, hopefully, some good news.
Within twenty minutes, Carly and I had arrived at hospital and were treading the familiar path up to the third floor. Louisa and Dot were sitting by Jesse’s bed. They waved us in, and we hugged before turning to look at Jesse.
‘It’s going to be okay,’ Dot said, sighing with relief.
The four of us crowded around the bed, willing Jesse to make some further sign, but she looked just as she had the past few days—all bandages, bruises and tubes. My heart felt like it was breaking all over again. It wasn’t as if I was expecting her to jump up and dance the macarena, but I’d hoped for some confirmation, no matter how small, that she was on the mend.