by Lisa Heidke
‘Where are Ollie and Emily?’ I asked.
‘At home with Tom,’ said Dot. ‘After what Ollie went through earlier today, we don’t want the children seeing Jesse again until we’ve got firm news about her recovery.’
‘And Steve?’ Surely he should have been rearing his ugly head by now.
‘No one’s been able to contact him,’ said Louisa. ‘He came in briefly this afternoon, but left just before Jesse started responding. He asked Mum and Dad to take Em and Ollie for the night. We’ve called his mobile and left a couple of messages but he seems to have disappeared.’
Good.
My expression must have revealed what I was thinking because Dot said, ‘Perhaps it’s for the best at this stage. It certainly feels calmer when Steve’s not here.’
‘If my partner was lying here, I’d never leave, not if I could help it,’ Louisa said.
Dot looked at Jesse and then at Louisa. ‘He has to give the kids some sense of normality and continuity. And who knows why people behave the way they do. Perhaps seeing Jesse lying here is too much for him to handle.’
‘Too bad, she’s his wife.’
‘I agree, but when the going gets tough, sometimes people run away rather than face their responsibilities.’
I tried to catch Carly’s eye, thinking that we should leave Dot and Louisa to their private conversation, but she was in a daze, staring at Jesse.
‘Steve has the twins to consider,’ said Louisa. ‘He should be thinking of them instead of about himself.’
‘Some people never learn, never grow up,’ Dot said. ‘Maybe Steve … ’ She trailed off, then added, ‘How many of us do silly things when we’re young, never thinking about the consequences?’
‘And when we’re not so young,’ said Carly. ‘Never thinking about how our stupid actions and their repercussions will haunt us later in life.’
‘I suppose I’d do some things differently if I had my time over again,’ said Louisa thoughtfully.
Mike arrived at the door. He looked shocking—pale and exhausted. He motioned for me to come outside.
‘What’s up?’ I said. ‘Please don’t tell me it’s Jesse. We’re all so hopeful. She’s—’
‘Stella, Jesse’s going to be fine. Her physical recovery will take time but the signs are definitely positive. I believe we’re through the worst. There’s something else, though …’
‘What?’ I could barely contain myself. ‘Mike, what is it?’
‘It’s Steve.’
I raised my eyebrows. Steve was the least of my concerns. If he wanted me to leave Jesse’s room, he’d have to come in and personally frogmarch me out. I was staying where I was until she regained consciousness. Carly, me, Jesse’s mother and father, even Louisa—we’d all been a hell of a lot more attentive than Steve had been the past few days.
‘Okay,’ I said. ‘What about him?’
‘He’s in emergency … an overdose.’
‘Pardon?’
‘Cardiac arrest. Looks like he’s been on a bender. Most probably cocaine and—’
‘Jesus! Will he be okay?’
‘Yeah, but it was touch and go for a while.’
‘Shit, shit, shit.’ I shook my head. ‘Does he have a dodgy heart?’
‘Maybe. We’ll run some tests over the next couple of days. Then again, maybe he just overdid it tonight.’
‘You’re kidding me,’ said Louisa, who had appeared beside me. ‘Talk about karma.’
Dot and Carly joined us, and the four of us listened to Mike’s summary of the situation, all dumbstruck. Then Carly began to laugh. We all stared at her, horrified.
‘I don’t mean anything by it,’ she said, but she’d set Louisa off now, too.
‘But Steve,’ said Dot. ‘He’s had a heart attack?’
I rubbed her back. ‘It seems so.’
Louisa was shaking her head. ‘What an idiot. I mean … why?’
‘Maybe the pressure,’ I said. ‘And tonight he finally flipped.’
‘We’ve all certainly been under a lot of strain in the last few days, that’s for sure,’ Dot agreed.
Carly nodded. ‘It’s been a difficult week,’ and within seconds her and Louisa’s laughter had turned to sobs.
Dot shook her head sadly and sniffed back her own tears. ‘Those poor children,’ she kept saying.
I was still too shocked to make a sound.
Mike did his best to calm us down, while a nurse organised cups of tea. By the time we had composed ourselves enough to walk back into Jesse’s room, it was well after two in the morning. We gathered around her bed, Louisa holding her hand. Fittingly, Robbie Williams’s ‘Angels’ was playing as we sat there quietly, not knowing what to say or where to look.
Dot broke the silence, reminiscing about the birth of Jesse’s twins. ‘They were big babies. Huge.’
‘That would have been the last time Jesse was in a hospital,’ said Louisa.
‘Cracked rib,’ Jesse croaked, barely audible. ‘Two years ago.’
I felt as if I’d stopped breathing.
‘Jesse?’ Louisa said.
Jesse’s mouth moved. ‘I’m here,’ she whispered. ‘Always have been.’
I wanted to jump on the bed and hug her, but instead I ran out into the hallway. ‘Jesse’s awake,’ I shouted towards the nurses’ station.
esse was alone in her room, resting after yet another team of doctors had done numerous checks and tests, when Mike walked in.
‘Remember me?’
She smiled weakly. ‘Mike?’
He nodded. ‘Yeah, Mike. How are you feeling?’
‘Groggy, tired, sore.’
‘That’s to be expected.’ Mike pulled up a chair and sat down beside her. ‘Do you feel up to talking?’
Jesse nodded, tears in her eyes. ‘I lost the baby?’
‘Yes. I’m sorry.’
‘It’s …’ Jesse’s words caught in her throat.
‘I know this is hard for you, but there’s something else. It’s about your husband.’
Jesse took a sharp breath. What had Steve done now? Caused a scene in the hospital? Abused the doctors?
‘Steve’s fine. That is, he’s going to be fine, but he’s also in hospital.’
‘Did he have a car accident too?’ Jesse asked, feeling panicked. ‘My children?’
‘They’re fine. They’re with your parents. I’m afraid your husband overdosed.’
‘As in drugs?’
Mike nodded.
Jesse’s eyes filled with tears. How much more could she take?
‘But he’s okay?’ she asked.
‘He will be.’
She sighed deeply. Whatever she thought about Steve, she certainly didn’t want him to die. He was the father of her children. They didn’t deserve to grow up without their dad.
‘Are you all right?’ Mike said. ‘I know it’s a lot to take in.’
‘What drugs?’ Jesse asked.
‘Cocaine. We’re running tests for other narcotics as well.’
Jesse turned away. She was embarrassed, humiliated and so, so sad. Life wasn’t meant to be like this. Her poor children. How would they ever cope?
It seemed like hours before Mike spoke again. ‘Jesse, can I ask you something?’
What now, she thought, nodding ever so slightly.
‘The afternoon of the accident … can you remember what happened?’
‘I was angry and upset,’ she whispered.
Mike said nothing.
‘I felt like everyone had let me down. My husband, friends. I was shaking so much it was almost impossible to drive. I could barely see the road through the rain and my tears.’
‘And?’ Mike prompted gently.
‘I knew I had to pull over.’
•
After Mike had left, Jesse thought some more about that afternoon. The shaking had become so bad she’d had to stop the car, like she’d told him. With minimal visibility because of the rain, she’d chosen a spot on
the long, straight stretch of road, a grassy area where she could pull over safely and take a few minutes to calm down, collect her thoughts and do some deep breathing.
As she sat there, the rain eased. Across the road, she noticed a man in a lightweight raincoat walking his dog, a labrador. He looked content, at peace. That was what she wanted, to be at peace. She focused on the man, the way he held the dog’s lead, then on the animal itself, its even gait. Watching the lab, Jesse felt her breathing slow down. She didn’t feel quite so anxious or panicky.
She wiped her eyes, then started the car again. Before heading off, she pulled a lipstick from her bag and turned the rear-vision mirror slightly so she could see her face. It was red, blotchy and sad. Despite appearances, she had to believe she could get through this. She certainly wasn’t going anywhere without her children.
As she went to apply the lipstick, she dropped it on the floor. Her leg jerked and her foot tapped the accelerator. She slammed her foot on the brake and bent to retrieve the lipstick. As she did, her foot jerked again and this time it hit the accelerator. Hard.
Now look where she was … in hospital. She was so sad—about losing the baby, about Steve—but at least she was alive. Imagine if she never got to see Ollie and Emmy again? They’d be in to visit her soon and the three of them would get through this together. Jesse was going to come out of this a much stronger woman: secure in her beliefs and the direction she wanted her life to take.
As for Steve? It was a fait accompli. She was leaving him, no doubt about it.
•
When Jesse was finally allowed to see Oliver and Emily, she couldn’t hide her delight. ‘My darlings,’ she cried when they tentatively entered her room. ‘Mummy’s missed you so much. Come and give me a big hug.’
They barged at her with every bit of their nine-year-old energy. The impact almost wiped Jesse out, but she’d never admit it.
‘So, what have you been up to?’ she asked once she’d caught her breath.
‘Mummy,’ said Oliver in an exasperated tone, ‘we’ve only been thinking about you since the accident.’
‘And that’s been like forever!’ said Emily.
Jesse smiled at them both, determined not to cry. They’d seen enough tears these past few days. ‘Thank you. I knew you were thinking of me. I could hear you. I missed you both so much.’
‘Did you really hear us talking to you?’ asked Oliver.
‘Of course,’ she replied. ‘And then especially when you squeezed my hand, Ollie.’
He beamed. ‘I knew you could feel it. I just knew. But Mummy,’ he was suddenly serious, ‘I was very worried that you wouldn’t wake up.’
‘Thank you, darling,’ she said. ‘I know you were but …’ She faltered and started tearing up. ‘You know Mummy loves you and would never leave you … will never leave you?’ She kissed her son’s cheek. ‘I love you, Ollie.’
Dot appeared in the doorway. ‘Come on, Ollie, Em! It’s time Mum had a rest. And Grandpa needs an ice-cream.’ Dot winked at Jesse before leading her grandchildren out into the hall. Moments later, she was back. ‘Love, how are you doing?’
‘Fine, Mum.’
‘About Steve …’ She hesitated for a moment. ‘I’m so sorry. I had no idea.’
‘Neither did I, but the good news is, he’s going to be okay. He and I aren’t going to be together, but we’ll both get through this. I’m very sad, but …’
Jesse couldn’t help herself. As the tears came, Dot rushed to her side.
‘You have a family that loves and adores you,’ she said. ‘We’ll be here for you. Speaking of which, Louisa’s here. Are you up for another visitor?’
‘Am I!’ Jesse said, wiping her eyes as Louisa walked in. ‘Sis!’
‘Darling,’ said Louisa, tears streaming down her face. ‘You had us all so worried.’
Jesse smiled. ‘Thank you so much for keeping me company while I was asleep.’
‘Oh, Jesse,’ Louisa said. ‘I’ve missed you so much. Can you ever forgive me?’
‘Probably not.’
‘Oh.’ Louisa looked stricken.
‘I’m joking. But you should have told me, Louisa. After all, blood is thicker than water and all that.’
‘God, Jess, I’ll never forgive myself.’
Jesse sighed. ‘You have to and you will, because if I hadn’t been with Steve, I’d never have had Ollie and Emily.’
‘Oh,’ said Louisa again, remembering. ‘Do you know about …’
Jesse sighed. ‘Yeah.’ Tears welled in her eyes. ‘But obviously it wasn’t the right time. Maybe in the future …’
‘Yep,’ said Louisa, fighting back tears as she kissed Jesse on her cheek.
‘Anyway, I’m sick of talking about me,’ Jesse said. ‘Tell me about Philippe.’
Louisa grinned. ‘You’re unbelievable, you know that?’
‘Enough with the stalling. Tell me about this Adonis of yours, and you’d better have pictures on your phone or there’ll be trouble.’
After Louisa had shown Jesse several photos of Philippe and Ziggy, she said, ‘Can you ever forgive me for running away six years ago? I’m so sorry. I was scared and ashamed and I didn’t want to ruin your perfect life.’
Jesse looked at her. ‘My perfect life? Really?’
‘Okay, it doesn’t seem so idyllic now, but back then …’
‘Back then, I was living a lie.’
‘I’m sorry. I didn’t realise the extent of it—Steve’s drug taking and everything else.’
‘Hello?’ came a voice from the doorway. It was Stella, and Carly with her. ‘Do you have room for a couple more visitors?’
Jesse smiled. ‘I sure do.’
Louisa left Stella and Carly to catch up with Jesse while she went outside and made a phone call.
After her text yesterday afternoon, she’d received one back from Philippe simply saying: I love you. If you need me, I’ll be on the next flight. She’d read the words and wept. She hadn’t known it before but those were the exact words she’d wanted to hear. She loved Philippe. She just needed to tell him.
‘Hey,’ she said when she heard his familiar voice.
‘Lou, I’ve been so worried. How’s your sister?’
‘She’s going to be okay.’
‘Babe, I’m so glad. I haven’t been able to concentrate on my studies since you left. Might need you to write me a note—’
‘Philippe,’ Louisa said, interrupting him.
‘Yeah?’
‘I love you.’
Silence.
‘Philippe?’
‘I’m still here. Could you repeat that, please?’
Louisa smiled. ‘I love you. Can’t live without you. Want to be with you forever.’
Philippe sighed. ‘Well, it’s about fucking time.’
Louise got off the phone feeling happier and more content than she had in years.
Was it really possible that, after all this time, she could truly be in love?
As happy as Carly and I were to sit with Jesse, we knew she was tiring. It would be days, maybe weeks, before she was back to her old self. Mike had told me that Jesse’s accident had been exactly that. Thank God. The hospital didn’t believe she was a suicide risk but she was still fragile and we needed to take a softly-softly approach for now.
‘You sure you’re okay?’ I asked.
‘I think so,’ she said quietly. ‘Stella, I’m so sad for Ollie and Em. And I’m sad for Steve, too. But I’m relieved he’s going to be all right.’
‘I spoke to Mike before,’ I said. ‘Steve’ll probably only be in hospital for another day.’
Jesse nodded.
I glanced at my watch. Carly and I had been at the hospital over twelve hours. I was wrecked. It was time to leave. Besides, Jesse was starting to nod off.
Just as I was about to kiss Jesse goodbye, Louisa reappeared.
‘How about I get us more coffees?’ she said.
Carly and I glanced at each other.
<
br /> ‘Sure,’ I said, yawning. ‘And then I’ve got to go home. I reek.’
Carly laughed. ‘I think we’re way beyond that.’
Louisa left to fetch the coffees, and I took the opportunity to ask Carly about the situation between her and Brett.
‘You two going to be okay?’
Carly shrugged. ‘I don’t know. But I do know I’m going to talk to him when I get home, try to make sense of everything … Stella, I really lost my way the last couple of years, and then with Nicky moving overseas, I just fell apart. I might fantasise about fuck buddies and leaving my husband, but it’s not what I want. I say and do things without thinking them through.’
I hugged her. ‘You’ve always been impulsive. It’s one of the things I love about you.’
She sniffed back tears. ‘Thanks.’
I reached for her hand. ‘I like Brett.’
Carly smiled. ‘Yeah, so do I. When I think back to how it was in the beginning for us—we were so in love. Maybe we could get back to that place.’
‘Absolutely, hon.’
‘I’ve been scared for a long time, thinking that love has gone. But maybe we can get back on track. It won’t be the same, of course, but hopefully it can be just as strong. What about you?’
‘I’m doing fine,’ I said, and meant it. ‘Though did I tell you Terry’s having issues with Amanda?’
‘No!’
‘She’s pushing for more commitment and he’s terrified.’
‘I bet. And?’
‘His solution is to run back to me.’
‘You’re not serious?’
‘I’m not, but Terry seems to be. I told him no, and that’s about as far as I’m going to get involved. He needs to decide what’s right for him on his own.’
‘True.’ Carly threw me a sly grin. ‘So what’s the story with Mike?’
I smiled. ‘Nothing. I mean, he’s nice.’
‘And?’
‘And that’s it.’
‘Hmm, you know meeting those guys the other week doesn’t have to be all bad. Love—’