Hidden Brilliance

by Katie Rasoul

  Chapter 7: Meet Bridget

  Atelophobia (Noun): The fear of imperfection, of not being good enough.

  Origin: Greek, Atelos (imperfect)

  Like many introverts, it is common for me to have a rich inner dialogue going on at any given moment. Me, myself, and I are discussing the pros and cons and wins and losses or just enjoying each other’s company most of the time. It feels as if there are so many thoughts happening simultaneously that it can’t possibly be just me talking. There must be a whole bunch of characters in there. (I am confident this is normal and not some manifestation of dissociative identity disorder, so no need to call in the professionals).

  More often than we realize, we have inner critics hijacking the conversation. We may not even realize what they are doing, because they are just so sly about how they creep into our subconscious thoughts. We all have these inner critics, the voices that whisper inside of us to sit down or play small. It is the voice that tells you that you are not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, or that you are just plain insufficient as you are. They try to contain us in order to keep us safe. Our inner critics are there to protect us, so they have served a purpose, of course. We can always have more than one inner critic, or gremlin, but the first of mine who I met was Bridget.

  Bridget is my true gremlin, the original gangster of shit-talking me into feeling like I should be better or more of something. She is always worried about “what if,” and she makes sure to avoid sudden moves at all costs. Bridget just cares so much about me that she has always tried to be the protector, much like a young girl who smothers a bunny she caught because she is just trying to love her. Bridget is stout, small, and a little chubby, the girl with her feet dangling off the front of the chair when she sits all the way back. Bridget is named after the character Bridget Jones of the diary fame, because, with a little help from Mark Darcy, she learns to love herself just as she is.

  Bridget was there back when I was in high school, when it seemed really important to get perfect grades and join clubs and prep for college. She was there in college when I applied for scholarships and when I didn’t get accepted into an elite business group. Bridget enjoyed coming to work with me for my whole career when I felt like a fraud and was waiting to be “found out” that I wasn’t as good at my job as the important people had thought. And she sat in the front seat when I started my own business and told me her opinion that I should do more, be successful faster, and save the world in about six months or less. She is the worst type of friend, always hanging around but never all that helpful.

  Since Bridget had been a part of my thoughts and feelings for what seemed like always, I had no understanding that it was, in fact, a choice for her to be in my life. I took it for granted that she was there, and that was how it had to be. It never occurred to me that I could just let her go.

  Letting go of our inner critics is hard, right? They were put there for a reason, a protective layer around our hearts to safeguard us from great loss. But here is the thing: when we shut off our ability to process great loss, it shuts off our ability to process anything that large, which means we also lose the ability to experience the greatest joy.

  Now, Bridget had been with me as long as I can remember, and I had no template on how to live my life without her. Since the unknown is terrifying (especially for a planner and thinker like myself), I would always rather keep her around as a known evil before I risk utter failure in the abyss of the unknown.

  But, it was time to let Bridget go.

  It took me 34 years to realize Bridget was there, and once I knew, it took six more months to shake her off. It took a lot of coaching for me to finally give Bridget a proverbial hug, thank her for her help, and tell her that I could take it from here. I liken it to Marie Kondo, a famous Japanese organization expert, and her method of decluttering. In her Konmari Method, or Kondo-ing, belongings are acknowledged for their service and thanked before being discarded if they no longer spark joy. Since Bridget was no longer of service to me, I sincerely thanked her for all that she had done and told her, “I’ve got this.” I imagined that she was relieved to be able to stop working so hard and was happy to take on a role of support instead of personal defense.

  My old pal Bridget is still around, and she always will be, just with a different job now. I suspect that she misses her old job from time to time, because I catch her trying to practice her former craft. Currently, she is silently eating cupcakes in the back seat of my mental car. Sometimes she tries to climb in the front seat, but I block her and say, “No thank you, that seat is taken, and you can kindly sit your ass down in the back.” She was only allowed to come on the ride if she agreed to stick to her new assigned job of supporter and cheerleader, not joy-sucker or fear-monger.

  There is a difference between these two ideas: “I did something stupid” and “I am stupid.” The gremlin is the latter, the internalization that you are not enough ever, rather than your actions were not enough in that situation. You give in to the inner critic when you hand over the value you have for yourself. Bridget is the embodiment of “I am not enough.” As soon as I could clarify the difference between something I did and something I am, it allowed me to dissociate from Bridget. Was I doing enough in my career, my life, and my business? Once I could confidently answer yes, I could see the argument that I myself was not “enough” no longer held up.

  Bridget and I were getting better acquainted before I realized that there were other people in the room with us. In fact, I had lived my whole life with Bridget before even noticing her. Who else had I yet to meet? I began to listen for what other voices might be speaking in the rich inner dialogue in my head, and as a result, learned more about the complex and varied characters I had subconsciously been collecting and carrying with me through life.

  Chapter 8: The Board of Directors

  “‘You have some queer friends, Dorothy,’ she said. ‘The queerness doesn’t matter, so long as they’re friends,’ was the answer.” – L. Frank Baum

  As I shared in the previous chapter, I am increasingly aware of the discussions going on in my head, as if the many sides of my brain are all having a rich discussion weighing all angles of every situation (again, not in a concerning way). I call this group my Board of Directors.

  We all have the inner critics, the voices that whisper inside of us to sit down or play small. They try to keep us contained in order to keep us safe. The first member of the Board of Directors I met was Bridget. But they couldn’t all be bad, right? I started to listen for all of the voices instead of just the ones shouting or saying negative things. What I found was that some of the board members were parts of me that I really liked, had forgotten about, or would have liked to hear more from. Each of them, even the critics, served a purpose and were in place to help me, but subconsciously I had given precedence to Bridget and some of the other naysayers. The Board of Directors is a queer bunch of friends. Would you like to meet them too?

  Bridget – The Doubter

  Awkward, plays small, not good enough, who let her in anyways?

  You’ve already met Bridget. She is my true gremlin, the inner critic voice talking me into feeling like I should be better or more of something. She is always worried about “what if,” and she makes sure to avoid sudden moves at all costs. I am not sure how she even gained access to the room, much less elected to the board, considering that no one likes to be around her all that much. Every once in a while, she leads a Board meeting like it’s her job, and everyone leaves feeling frustrated but too polite to tell her to sit the hell down.

  Bridget and I were getting better acquainted before I realized that there were other people in the room with us. In fact, I had lived my whole life with Bridget before even noticing her, so the fact that other Board members joined us in a matter of months seems like a rather progressive timeline.

  During a time period when Bridget went on an extended sabbatical after I told her to get off my continent, I began to feel rather great
about the fact that I was off living my best life and not even worried about the future, the unknowns, or if I was making the “right” moves. Then I met Nigel.

  Nigel – The Responsible One

  British, middle-aged man in a tweed jacket and bowtie. Proper, right, shouldy, realist, theorist.

  Nigel is the responsible one. He looks like a balding man with glasses, a bowtie, and a tweed jacket, the kind with elbow patches that are a bit worn out but still wearable. He spends most of the day at the library researching and even packs his lunch in a sensible brown paper bag each morning so that he isn’t interrupted by frivolity or joy at midday. He seems to still be adjusting to his bifocals, because he oscillates between making faces that express either disapproval or surprise. He loves to confirm anything and everything with as much data as possible to back up the theory, like an insurance underwriter unwilling to take risks. He overuses words like “should” and “realistic” and sucks all the fun out of the room. He does smile sometimes, but usually only when things feel really buttoned up.

  Nigel often steps in to promote guilt when I make a large purchase (“what if I should have saved that money?”) or stare with a disapproving glance when my inner child comes out (“people won’t think I am very professional if I drink a juice box in the meeting”), and he doesn’t seem to understand why kids these days think they can have everything without all of the hard work and “putting in the hours” that it takes to get there.

  After meeting Nigel, and being old pals with Bridget, I couldn’t help but wonder who else was there I wasn’t aware of. I began to poke around and look for new clues. It also occurred to me that there had to be some other kick-ass people on the Board of Directors, so who were they? And they can’t all be company as shitty as Bridget and Nigel, right? I went on to investigate and discovered the rest of the Board.

  Chris – The Cool, Confident One

  Comfortable in own skin, put together, effortless, poised.

  Chris is pretty, although I’m not sure that she is aware of that. She is comfortable in her own skin, a sort of cool confidence that sometimes comes off as aloof, but most recognize it as just self-contentment. She is always well pressed, like a J. Crew model, and seems to have effortlessly put her outfit together with some things she found lying around. She is the type of friend who knows the right thing to say and the right greeting card to send at the right time. In fact, I am sure she picked out birthday cards for her people for a full year and just sent them out when the time was right with ease. She invites different groups of friends to parties and is the glue that brings others together. She listens intently to others, nodding and responding carefully once everyone has had a chance to speak. Chris makes you feel special when you are with her and perhaps also a little self-conscious.

  When I watch Chris, she moves around the room not seeking anyone’s approval for anything. She likes what she likes, and that is the end of it. She doesn’t speak often in meetings, but when she does, everyone stops to listen because it is always good. Sometimes people think she is aloof when they don’t know her or see her in passing, because she appears a little unapproachable. But once people get closer to her, they realize that she is as approachable and empathetic as they come.

  Michelle – The Force to be Reckoned With

  Intelligent, fierce, grounded, overcomes obstacles, convicted, authentic, above reproach, positive relationships.

  Michelle graduated from Harvard, and she reads from all different sources and topics in a way that could slay even the most challenging cocktail party banter. She is unapologetically herself, but that is not to say that others’ criticisms don’t hurt her feelings. It’s just that she knows she will not react but will inevitably walk the higher ground. She had a tough start, but her parents taught her about resiliency and overcoming obstacles, and so she flies higher every time. She picks the right battles and goes “all in” to make change in the areas that really matter. She wears sleeveless dresses (because she doesn’t care what old, white conservative men in pressed khakis have to say about it) and is in high demand to sit on other Boards. She probably realizes that we are 5% intimidated by her but 95% in awe.

  Michelle is the perfect balance of fierce and friendly. She serves as a role model for younger women everywhere and is the person we would all love our daughters to be when they grow up.

  Steve – Technical Support

  Strategic, organized, chess player, planner, identifies ripple effects, left-brained.

  Steve is a born strategist who prefers to navigate himself on the road with maps rather than relying on GPS to tell him a way. He often plays open chess matches in the park and strategically lets the kids win, but teaches in ways that make them better. He prefers to have meeting agendas ahead of time, so he can prepare his thoughts. He sees how things affect one another and can visualize the big picture. Steve studies science and the natural world, seeing beauty in the rules of nature. He is the person that we all call to think through complex problems and ask, “What am I missing?” He can see the whole problem and its detailed parts simultaneously.

  When Steve comes to visit, I feel compelled to be sure to have the right kind of tea on hand. He approaches the world with questions and a curiosity that makes you feel that he is intensely interested in learning more, not interrogating. He watches the news religiously, reads several sources of information daily, and devours podcasts.

  Deanna – The Feeler

  Energy reader, storyteller, feels the emotions in the room, the person who makes the most eye contact.

  Deanna is highly sensitive to other people emotions, and she can understand the energy that is in a room long before the participants can put a name to it. She always knows what is not being said. She communicates with stories and metaphors, helping to link our current situation to a past familiar one. She and Nigel usually have an amicable disagreement in the right way to go about something, as the yin and yang to the discussion. Sometimes Steve (the strategist) drives her nuts with logic and rules. Sometimes, she thinks, there just aren’t logical reasons or rules to why we do things.

  Deanna cries at commercials with puppies or children, and she refuses to watch the nightly news. She can see their whole lives and emotions flash before her eyes, and it is too overwhelming. She is the one who most trusts her instincts, especially when there is not a clear answer to be found elsewhere. She likes to quote poems, songs, and movies because they serve as a concise tie between our unconscious emotions and our familiar memories and pop culture references.

  Wendy - The Creative

  Dancer, musician, wearer of bright colors, beats to her own drum.

  Wendy tends to move her feet and sway to the music that only she hears in a “dance like nobody’s watching” sort of way. She likes to wear bright colors and bold prints that make her happy. She feels most alive and at home with her theater friends, because they are all comfortable with just being themselves. She loves to sing or dance with others in the perfect combination of her own private and personal expression, but in the proximity of friends. She is unsure of what her real hair color is and has the most interesting collection of shoes I have ever seen.

  Wendy listens to all types of music and can move seamlessly between genres and decades. She knows all of the words and the artists and can give interesting trivia facts like the origins of hip hop music. Her parents were free-spirited hippies, and she takes a more modern approach. She is best friends with her inner child, and her love of macaroni and cheese and mismatched clothing makes her a favorite with kids. She makes me feel lighter and younger just being around her.

  It is curious that all of these characters can exist at the same time. Some of them are unlikely friends to each other, and all of them are there to preserve some part of me. Of course, they all take the lead at different times. Some days I am compelled to wear bright colors, others I am pushing forward with unwavering force, and still others I am swimming in a pool of “shouldy” responsibility. Becoming acquainted wi
th the company I am surrounding myself with has been an exercise in understanding myself, my complex inner dialogue, and the voices that make up the undeniable force that is the high-achieving introvert.

  My Board members are a combination of all of me. The reason that these characters can exist simultaneously is that they all exist in me simultaneously. We admire people or qualities, because they are mirrors reflecting back pieces of ourselves. We just frequently don’t realize them in ourselves because we are so hyper-critical. But they are there, and that is why those qualities resonate for us when we see them in others. Likewise, when we see traits we dislike in others or we find our buttons being pushed, we are reacting to what we disapprove of in ourselves. The Board of Directors makes up every bit of yourself that you love and loathe, without even realizing it.

  Chapter 9: The Lemon Pancake Monologue

  “Be willing to trust your instincts, especially if you cannot find answers elsewhere.” – Brian Koslow